I Let You Go (32 page)

‘It’s all done,’ she said, taking off her apron. ‘Chilli and rice in the oven, beers in the fridge and chocolate brownies for afters.’

‘Sounds great,’ Ray said. He hovered awkwardly in the kitchen.

‘You can unload the dishwasher, if you’re looking for a job.’

Ray began taking out the clean plates, trying to think of a neutral topic of conversation that wouldn’t result in an argument.

Tonight’s get-together had been Mags’s idea. Something to celebrate the conclusion of a job well done, she had said. Ray wondered if it was her way of showing him that she was sorry for arguing.

‘Thanks again for suggesting this,’ he said, when the silence became uncomfortable. He lifted the cutlery tray from the dishwasher, leaving a trail of water on the floor. Mags handed him a cloth.

‘It’s one of the most high-profile cases you’ve done,’ she said. ‘You should celebrate.’ She took the cloth from him and dropped it in the sink. ‘Besides, if it’s a choice between the three of you spending the night in the Nag’s Head, or coming round here for a meal and a few beers, well…’

Ray took the criticism on the chin. So that was the real reason for the dinner.

The two of them moved carefully around each other in the kitchen as though walking on ice; as though Ray hadn’t spent the night on the sofa; as though their son didn’t have a stash of stolen goods in his bedroom. He risked a glance at Mags but couldn’t read her expression and decided it would be best to keep quiet. Lately, everything he said seemed to be wrong.

It was unfair to compare Mags to Kate, Ray knew, but things were so much easier at work. Kate never seemed to take umbrage, and so he didn’t find himself rehearsing in his head before talking to her, as he had started doing before broaching a difficult subject with Mags.

He hadn’t been certain Kate would want to come to the dinner tonight.

‘I’ll understand if you’d rather not,’ he had said, but Kate had looked confused.

‘Why would I—’ She bit her lip. ‘Oh, I see.’ She had tried to match Ray’s serious face, but couldn’t quite manage it, and her eyes twinkled. ‘I told you, it’s all forgotten. I can handle it if you can.’

‘I can handle it,’ Ray had said.

He hoped he could. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable at the thought of both Mags and Kate in the same room. Lying awake on the sofa the previous night he hadn’t been able to shake off the notion that Mags knew he had kissed Kate and had invited her with the express intention of telling him so. Even though he knew that a public showdown wasn’t Mags’s style, the prospect of a confrontation tonight still brought him out in a cold sweat.

‘The school sent a letter home with Tom today,’ Mags said. It burst out of her quite suddenly, and Ray had the impression she had been holding on to the news since he got home from work.

‘What about?’

Mags took it from her apron pocket and handed it to him.

Dear Mr and Mrs Stevens,

I would be grateful if you could make an appointment with my office to come in and discuss an issue that has arisen within the school.

Yours faithfully,

Ann Cumberland

Head Teacher, Morland Downs Secondary School

‘Finally!’ Ray said. He smacked the back of his hand against the letter. ‘They’re admitting they’ve got a problem, then? About bloody time.’

Mags opened the wine.

‘We’ve been saying for – what, over a year? – that Tom’s being bullied, and they wouldn’t even entertain the idea, would they?’

Mags looked at him, and for a moment her face crumpled and the defensiveness disappeared.

‘How did we miss this?’ She fished in vain for a tissue up the sleeve of her cardigan. ‘I feel like such a useless mother!’ She fished up her other sleeve, but found nothing.

‘Hey, Mags, stop it,’ Ray pulled out his handkerchief and gently wiped away the tears that were spilling over her bottom lashes. ‘You didn’t miss it. Neither of us did. We’ve known something was wrong ever since he started at that school, and we’ve been banging on at them to get it sorted out from day one.’

‘But it’s not their job to sort it out.’ Mags blew her nose. ‘We’re the parents.’

‘Maybe, but the problem isn’t here, is it? It’s at school, and perhaps now they’ve admitted it, something will actually be done.’

‘I hope it doesn’t make things worse for Tom.’

‘I could speak to the PCSO who covers Morland Downs,’ Ray said. ‘See if they could pop in and do a session on bullying.’

‘No!’

Mags’s vehemence stopped him in his tracks.

‘Let’s work with the school to get it resolved. Not everything has to be a police matter. For once, let’s keep this in the family, shall we? I’d really rather you didn’t talk about Tom at work.’

On cue, the doorbell rang.

‘Are you okay to do this?’ Ray asked.

Mags nodded, scrubbing at her face with the handkerchief, and handing it back to Ray. ‘I’m fine.’

Ray glanced at himself in the hall mirror. His skin looked grey and tired, and he had a sudden urge to send Kate and Stumpy away, and spend the night with Mags. But Mags had been cooking all afternoon – she wouldn’t thank him for wasting her efforts. He sighed and opened the door.

Kate was wearing jeans with knee-length boots and a black V-neck top. There was nothing particularly glamorous about her outfit, but she looked younger and more relaxed than at work, and the whole effect was rather unsettling. Ray stepped back to allow her into the hall.

‘This is such a great idea,’ Kate said. ‘Thanks so much for inviting me.’

‘My pleasure,’ Ray said. He showed her into the kitchen. ‘You and Stumpy have worked really hard over the last few months: I just wanted to show you both I appreciate your efforts.’ He grinned. ‘And to be fair, it was Mags’s idea – I can’t take any of the credit.’

Mags acknowledged his comment with a small smile. ‘Hi, Kate, it’s good to finally meet you. Did you find us okay?’ The two women faced each other, and Ray was struck by the contrast between them. Mags hadn’t got round to getting changed, and her sweatshirt had a pattern of tiny sauce spatters across the chest. She looked the way she always looked – warm, familiar, kind – but next to Kate she was somehow … he grappled for the word. Less
polished
. Immediately Ray felt a stab of guilt and stepped nearer to Mags, as though proximity were a cure for disloyalty.

‘What a gorgeous kitchen.’ Kate looked at the rack of brownies on the side, fresh from the oven and drizzled with white chocolate. She held up a cheesecake in a cardboard packet. ‘I brought a pudding, but I’m afraid it looks a bit pitiful now.’

‘How kind of you,’ Mags said, stepping forward to take the package from Kate. ‘I always think cakes taste so much nicer when someone else has made them, don’t you agree?’

Kate gave a grateful smile and Ray let out a slow breath. Perhaps the evening wasn’t going to be as uncomfortable as he had feared, although the sooner Stumpy got here, the better.

‘Now, what can I get you to drink?’ Mags said. ‘Ray’s on beer, but I have wine, if you’d rather have that.’

‘Lovely.’

Ray shouted up the stairs. ‘Tom, Lucy, come and say hello, you unsociable pair.’

There was a series of thumps and the children raced down the stairs. They came into the kitchen and stood awkwardly in the doorway.

‘This is Kate,’ Mags said. ‘She’s a trainee detective on Dad’s team.’

Ray’s eyes widened at the put-down, but Kate seemed unperturbed.

‘Another few months,’ she grinned, ‘and I’ll be a proper detective. How are you guys?’

‘Fine,’ Lucy and Tom said in unison.

‘You must be Lucy,’ Kate said.

Lucy had her mother’s fair hair, but the rest was pure Ray. Everyone commented on how much both children looked like him. He could never see the resemblance while the children were awake – there was too much of their own personality in them – but when they slept, and their features were still, Ray could see his own face reflected in his children. He wondered if he ever looked as belligerent as his son did now: scowling at the floor as though he had a grudge against the tiles. He had gelled his hair so it stood up in spikes as angry as his expression.

‘This is Tom,’ Lucy offered.

‘Say hello, Tom,’ said Mags.

‘Hello, Tom,’ he repeated, still looking at the floor.

Mags flicked a tea-towel at him in exasperation. ‘Sorry, Kate.’

Kate grinned at Tom, and he glanced at Mags to see if she was going to make him stick around.

‘Kids!’ Mags said, exasperated. She took the cling-film off a plate of sandwiches and handed it to Tom. ‘You two can go and eat this upstairs, if you don’t want to be with us
old people
.’ She widened her eyes in mock horror at the term, making Lucy giggle. Tom rolled his eyes, and the pair disappeared back up to their rooms in an instant.

‘They’re good kids,’ Mags said, ‘most of the time.’ She finished the sentence so quietly it wasn’t clear whether she was speaking to herself or to the others.

‘Have there been any more problems with bullying?’ Kate said.

Ray groaned inwardly. He looked at Mags, who resolutely avoided his gaze. Her jaw tightened.

‘Nothing we can’t handle,’ she snapped.

Ray winced and looked at Kate, trying to convey an apology without Mags noticing. He should have warned Kate how sensitive Mags was about Tom. There was an uncomfortable pause, then Ray’s mobile pinged with a text message. He fished it from his pocket gratefully but his heart sank as he saw the screen.

‘Stumpy can’t make it,’ he said. ‘His mum’s had another fall.’

‘Is she okay?’ Mags asked.

‘I think so – he’s on his way to the hospital now.’ Ray sent a message to Stumpy, and put the phone back in his pocket. ‘Just the three of us, then.’

Kate looked at Ray and then at Mags, who turned away and began stirring the chilli.

‘Look,’ Kate said, ‘why don’t we do this another time, when Stumpy can make it?’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Ray said, with a cheeriness that sounded false, even to himself. ‘Besides, we’ve got all this chilli: we’ll never get through it without help.’ He looked at Mags, half wanting her to agree with Kate and cancel the evening altogether, but she carried on stirring.

‘Absolutely,’ she said briskly. She handed a pair of oven gloves to Ray. ‘Can you bring the casserole dish? Kate, why don’t you grab those plates and come through to the dining room?’

There were no places laid, but Ray sat automatically at the head of the table, Kate on his left. Mags put a pan of rice on the table, then returned to the kitchen for a bowl of grated cheese and a tub of soured cream. She sat opposite Kate, and for a while the three of them were busy passing dishes and filling their plates.

As they settled down to eat, the clink of cutlery on china made the lack of conversation even more obvious, and Ray searched his mind for something to talk about. Mags wouldn’t want them banging on about work, but perhaps it was the safest topic of conversation. Before he could make up his mind, Mags rested her fork on the side of her plate.

‘How are you finding CID, Kate?’

‘I love it. The hours are a killer, but the work’s great, and it’s what I’ve always wanted to do.’

‘I hear the DI’s a nightmare to work for.’

Ray looked sharply at Mags, but she was smiling pleasantly at Kate. It did nothing to diminish the feeling of unease that had crept over him.

‘He’s not too bad,’ Kate said, with a sidelong glance at Ray. ‘Although I don’t know how you put up with the mess: his office is a disgrace. Half-drunk coffee cups all over the place.’

‘That’s because I’m working too hard to drink a full one,’ Ray countered. Banter at his expense was a small price to pay under the circumstances.

‘He’s always right, of course,’ Mags said.

Kate pretended to consider this. ‘Except when he’s wrong.’

They both laughed, and Ray allowed himself to relax a little.

‘Does he hum “Chariots of Fire” under his breath all the time,’ Kate said, ‘like he does at work?’

I wouldn’t know,’ Mags said smoothly. ‘I never see him.’

The light mood evaporated and for a while they ate in silence. Ray coughed and Kate looked up. He gave her an apologetic smile and she shrugged it off, but when he turned back he realised Mags was watching them, a faint furrow across her brow. She put down her fork and pushed her plate away from the edge of the table.

‘Do you miss being in the job, Mags?’ Kate asked.

Everyone asked Mags that, as though they expected her to still be hankering after the paperwork; the shitty hours; the filthy houses where you wiped your feet on the way out.

‘Yes,’ she said, without hesitation.

Ray looked up. ‘Do you?’

Mags continued talking to Kate as though he hadn’t spoken. ‘I don’t miss the job, exactly, but I miss the person I was back then. I miss having something to say, something to teach people.’ Ray stopped eating. Mags was the same person she had always been. The same person she always would be. Carrying a warrant card didn’t change that, surely?

Kate nodded as though she understood, and Ray was grateful for the effort she was making. ‘Would you ever go back?’

‘How could I? Who would look after that pair?’ Mags rolled her eyes upwards towards the bedrooms. ‘Not to mention him.’ She looked at Ray, but she wasn’t smiling, and he tried to decipher the look in her eyes. ‘You know what they say: behind every great man…’

‘It’s true,’ Ray said suddenly, with more vigour than the quiet conversation warranted. He looked at Mags. ‘You hold everything together.’

‘Pudding!’ Mags said abruptly, standing up. ‘Unless you’d like some more chilli, Kate?’

‘I’m fine, thank you. Can I give you a hand?’

‘You stay there, it won’t take a moment. I’ll clear these away then I’ll nip upstairs and make sure the kids aren’t up to mischief.’ She carried everything out to the kitchen, then Ray heard light footsteps running upstairs, and the soft murmur of voices from Lucy’s bedroom.