If (27 page)

I looked down. “No . . . I, uh, did it to myself.”

She lowered her hand away from the scar slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I had thought about that a lot, lying in my bed, staring up at the ceiling while the occasional patient’s howl carried down the hall in the middle of the night.

“Things were going so well. I thought I could do it. I thought you wouldn’t see that side of me. I lived most of my life just fine. I convinced myself that the last breakdown was a fluke and I could be the old Ash. And I wanted to just live in my art again. I missed my abilities, the synesthesia. I just wanted a taste of what it would be like to have you and just be me. I didn’t want to scare you away.”

She laughed. “Did you honestly think you could scare me away? Ash, you were living in an alley when we met.”

Her joke flooded me with intense gratitude. How did I find this person who could see past all the barriers I erected to isolate myself? How did I get the girl with laughter as warm as melted butter?

She made me feel like maybe I did deserve another chance.

“You should have told me. If you had been honest I would have been better able to see the signs. You probably wouldn’t even be in here.”

“Maybe.” I wasn’t sure if I believed her. “Listen, I don’t know how much you know. But, as the mania snowballs, and I stop sleeping and eating, I don’t remember a lot. It’s like I’m possessed. My mind moves so fast I can barely keep up with the racing thoughts.”

“I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can.”

“I just wanted to say, if I said things that hurt you or did things that were mean, it wasn’t me. I know it sounds like a copout. But, it really wasn’t me. It takes a hold of me. It’s like . . . it’s like getting your jacket caught in a subway door and then it takes off. I have no choice but to go for the ride, no matter how crazy it gets.”

“Ash, I could tell you weren’t yourself. Even as it was happening. I’m not upset with what happened. Only that I was the last to find out. I understand why. But I was really scared because I had no frame of reference at the time.”

“I’m so sorry,” I reached for her hand across the table and she let me gently grip it. The physical contact was innately therapeutic, but it also taunted my rogue libido.

“So, I’ve gotten to know Miller a bit. He’s confident you’ll be out soon. I know he’s working on getting you just a fine for the window.”

“The window?”

“The one you shattered . . .”

“Oh, yeah.” That was temporary memory loss from the ECT, but I tried my best to play it off. “I should be out soon. He’s a fan of you, Miller.”

She began to play with my fingers with both of her hands. “He’s a good brother.”

“He is.”

She lowered the tone of her voice, expanding the width of the teal, seafoam, and indigo waves I saw while softening their hue. “Ash, I just want you to take care of yourself first. Like I said, I’ve been reading up on this. It says you need a good routine. A good diet. Minimal stress. The art can wait. I just want you to be healthy. When you’re healthy you’ll be productive again.”

I wasn’t entirely convinced. My biggest fear was that my art would always suffer so my mental health could thrive.

“My biggest fear is I’ll never be great again. That I’ll have to choose.”

“You can’t create art in a state of fear. You know that. You have to be open. Your synesthesia is a gift, but it’s you, Ash. You have the ability, synesthesia or not. And I think there is something out there, maybe a medicine you haven’t tried yet, that can allow you to stabilize without stripping you. We just have to be patient and proactive. You’ve only tried the lithium so far. There are so many options.”

She kept saying
we.
I was sad that she had internalized my issues. She shouldn’t have to deal with this. But I was happy that I wasn’t alone. She still wanted me, even broken me.

“But I want to be clear. I am here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Ash.”

The sensation of being swaddled in the plushest fur gripped me.

“God, you have no idea how much I love you. I’m going to do anything to make it all up to you,” I said.

“Do it for you.” Doing it for me wasn’t worth it. It had to be for her.

I nodded to appease her. Then I took her in again, particularly the view down the front of her dress.

“You look really sexy by the way,” I whispered. My ECT-stimulated libido couldn’t resist any longer.

“Thank you,” she said flirtatiously.

“I can’t wait to get my hands on you again.”

“Me neither.” It was fun to be us again. I had already forgotten about the gated windows, Formica tables and steel-faced orderlies.

“I think about you a lot when I’m here, alone,” I confessed.

“Oh, do you? So do I,” she smirked.

“Really?” I said, leaning in. “And what do you do?”

She looked from side to side with a mischievous smirk and leaned in. “I touch myself,” she whispered.

I let out a lingering exhale. I was getting an embarrassingly firm boner in the damn waiting room.

“I’m not wearing any panties,” she whispered.

There was going to be a helluva self-love session in my room later on.

I adjusted my pants under the table. “I’m so gonna give it to you when I get out of here, but if we don’t change the subject, I’m not going to be able to stand up and walk out of here.”

Her golden giggle burst in the air.

“So tell me about the show.” I wanted to keep the conversation on normal things.

“It’s almost here! Can you believe tickets are already sold out?”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. The concept is resonating and it’s getting a lot of buzz. It’s gotten coverage in the New York Times and it hasn’t even debuted! I can’t wait for you to see it. The set, the costumes, it’s incredible. I can’t believe what they’ve done. Some scenes, the house lights go completely down, and we wear these glow in the dark costumes that make us look like we’re flying in the dark jungle sky. I can’t wait for you to see it.”

“Me neither. Your dancing is the most beautiful thing in the world.” I winked and she stopped fiddling with my hands to grasp them.

“Ash, we’re gonna get through this. You and me. We’re gonna live our dreams. And there’s nothing to hide. Please, don’t ever hide from me again. I need to know you will tell me when you feel off, or stressed. This only works if we’re honest.”

She leaned over the table and kissed me again and tried to wipe away the lipstick stains, but I grabbed her hand. I never wanted to wash them off.

“I have to go back. Dress rehearsals. But I’m going to come every chance I get. Call me whenever you can. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Then she was gone, and all the colors and stars in my vision went with her. And I was again surrounded by the absence of color.

BIRD

“Birdie! Come here! I have some news.” Jordan waved me over and I jumped down from the stage. Seeing how well Ash was doing was such a relief. The weeks I waited for him to stabilize dragged on and while I did my best to stay focused during rehearsals, it was hard. I found myself becoming increasingly emotional from the worry. But Ash looked good, well-rested, and he was getting back to his normal weight.

But what made me the most hopeful was his optimism. I always felt like Ash thought he didn’t deserve to be loved, but he had accepted my love and my desire to help him heal.

“What’s up?” I asked Jordan.

“I have some huge news and I couldn’t wait to tell you.”

“Well spit it out!”

“I just got off the phone with Alana. Guess what? The tour is on!”

“The tour? You mean
the
tour? I thought they were going to consider it after our LA run?”

“Yeah, but no one expected the show to sell out so early. The new dates we added already sold out. There is so much interest, and they want to ride the momentum.”

“Oh my god!” But I couldn’t feign the enthusiasm I would have had under any other circumstances. A tour meant tons of traveling, long hours on the road, constant change of routine. It was everything I told Ash he didn’t need in his life.

“You don’t seem as excited as I thought you would be.”

“No . . . no . . . it’s great. It’s just that I guess I didn’t consider it was going to happen so fast.”

“Well they still have to put up the dates. It’s not like we’re going next week.”

“I know . . .”

“What’s going on?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed in frustration. “It’s just that, well, Ash.”

“What about Ash?”

“He’s getting out soon, and I just don’t know if it’s a good time for me to be planning things like this.”

“You’re kidding?”

“No. I’m not, Jordan.”

“Bird, you can’t stop your career over a guy. This world moves too fast and you will be left behind.”

“So, what do I do? Just pick up and go? Is that how the world works?”

“When you’re twenty-one and you have the opportunity of a lifetime? Yes. You say deuces. You realize that there are other people to love. Or that maybe one day you’ll find each other again.”

“But he needs me.”

“So is that what you’ll become? His crutch?”

“Ugh. I’m sick of the lectures, Jordan,” I hissed.

“Well, you can tell Alana if you decide to pull out. She put her faith into your passion and abilities, and so did I. But maybe your passion is more into being someone’s girlfriend.”

I glared at Jordan. He was being boss Jordan, not barge in the shower Jordan. “I just need some time to think it through. It’s just all so much.”

“Bird, in this world your understudy is always lurking. We need definite commitments. There was always the possibility this would go to tour. You knew that.”

I nodded. I did know that. I just didn’t know that my boyfriend would have a psychotic break. I couldn’t fathom stepping away from Ash when his exact words were that he would only get better for me.

“I have to get back.”

“Bird. Love is a drug. It fucks with your thinking. Remember that,” he said, tapping the pen in his hand to his temple.

I tried to take in his words, but I was high on love and when someone is high, it’s hard to care about anyone but the person who gives you the injection.

ASH

“ASH, YOU HAVE
a visitor,” Carlton, my favorite orderly, told me.

I was curious, since I wasn’t expecting anyone. I hoped for a surprise visit from Bird, but the real surprise was when I saw Jordan sitting in the meeting room alone.

“Hey man, how’s it going?” I asked, exchanging a handshake-hug combo.

“Not much. You’re lookin’ good,” he said.

“Oh, don’t bullshit.”

“No seriously. We were worried about you there for bit.”

“Yeah, well it’s what I do,” I said sarcastically.

This wasn’t the first time I had seen Jordan since being admitted. He visited with Bird once, but I was surprised to see him alone. Especially, since I was certain I would be cleared any day, so it seemed redundant.

I asked Jordan about the show, and Trevor, and we went through the usual catching up. But I sensed he was working up to something and I was right.

“So, I came to speak to you about something.”

“Yeah? Go ahead.” Jordan looked uncomfortable, which was rare for the guy who bear hugged me in our first meeting.

“You asked about the show. And like I said it’s going really well. When was the last time you spoke to Bird?”

“Yesterday on the phone. Why?”

“Did she tell you about the tour?”

“Well, she told me a while back that if the show went well, the plan was for a tour down the line.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Listen, you know Birdie is like a sister to me. And I know you care about her. If I was in your position, I would want you to know. I hope you don’t take this as me trying to interfere.”

“Okay.”

“We are having a tour. They are planning it as we speak. We’re thinking seven to ten cities, but then the next move is international.”

“That’s great! So what’s the issue?”

“Bird said she’s not going to do it.”

“What?” It didn’t make sense. This was everything she had wanted. She could travel the country and the world while doing the thing she loved most. Her dream was finally a reality.