If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (115 page)

“I just want to say how sorry I am Lauren,” she says holding my hands in hers, “And if someone did to me what I did to you I would have reacted just as you did.”

“I know why you did what you did. I don’t think it was right, and I really wish that you didn’t, but that’s in the past. I really need your help in understanding what our future is going to be like,” I tell her.

“Right,” she nods in understanding and gestures to one of the beige chairs in front of her desk. I take a seat in what feels like a piece of heaven and hope I don’t drift off right there.

Grace reappears with a pitcher of lemon iced water and two glasses which she pours for both of us.

“Thank you Grace, that will be all, and can you please make sure I have no interruptions?” Grace nods in response before closing the door behind her as she leaves.

“How are you?” she asks and I start to answer, attempting to tell her that I’m fine and just ready to work on making things right, but the moment my mouth opens my lip starts to quiver suddenly all my pent up energy and emotions are unleashed. I cry for what Cal and I had, I cry for not knowing the truth for so long. I cry for the dreams I had for him and I that will never happen, for what Chris and I had seeming so far away, for everything that I have no control over, for the things that I can never fix, what I don’t even know needs to be fixed. I cry in her arms for I don’t even know how long until I can’t cry anymore. When I’m done she hands me the glass of water, after I use the Kleenex on her desk to clean my face.

“How do you feel now?” she asks, going back around her desk and sitting down. I manage a smirk.

“I feel numb now, which is better than how I felt before I got here,” I admit.

“How are things with the Scotts?” she asks, her tone empathetic.

“Mr. Scott hates me,” I chuckle.

“He hates you?”

“Yes. He hates me. He hates Cal and he thinks I trigger Cal so he in turn hates me.”

“He has never been fond of Cal but to project his hate on you…”

“Is he right? Do I bring Cal out?” I ask her.

“It’s not a bad thing Lauren.” I look at her in disbelief.

“Have you grown to resent him, Lauren?” she asks and my mouth falls agape.

“Of course not,” I say, feeling my defenses rise.

“I don’t mean to insult you and I could see it being a perfectly normal reaction after everything.”

“I don’t resent Cal. I resent some of the things that he does and how he goes about things but I could never resent him. I love him.”

“Good,” Helen says with a warm smile.

“You’re the only person that seems to think so,” I say, resting my head in my hands.

“Do you feel guilty for loving Cal since you’ve met Chris?” I look up at her and my eyes drift to the wall full of certificates and degrees and it hits me that Helen is the real deal. I never knew her this way. I knew she was smart and she used to be a doctor, though I never really thought to ask her what kind, I just had her pegged as this beautiful, trophy wife.

“I do.” I admit, and it feels good to be able to say it out loud.

“Since I’ve met him and his parents and knowing all they’ve been through, I feel guilty for wanting Cal back. Especially knowing that when he’s back they lose their son.” She nods as if she understands and leans forward on her desk.

“The hardest thing about treating patients with DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, is getting them to understand that each and every ‘alter’ is a side of them. To not look at them differently or as an appendage they want severed.”

“I-I still feel really new to this.” I let out a deep sigh. “This is just from what I was able to pull off google, but integration is the final goal?”

“Yes. But it has to be their goal. As long as they still fight one another and can’t come to common ground, integration isn’t a possibility,” she explains sullenly. I run my hands across my face.

“Getting those two to agree to integrate,” I chuckle dryly. “It’s not going to happen,” I say, letting out a deep sigh.

“I will say Lauren, it’s a lot more likely since you’ve come into their life.” I shake my head.

“Neither of them are all that thrilled with me at the moment,” I sigh. She looks at me questioningly. “It’s really complicated,” I mumble, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“Complicated is my specialty,” she says with a reassuring smile.

I explain to her all that’s happened between Chris and I and how Cal reappeared and was so angry and how Chris says he doesn’t remember us sleeping together. It feels so good getting it off my chest I end up telling her about the conversation between Lisa and I and how I don’t know what to do to fix things when I’m not sure what needs to be fixed.

“Well that is a bit complicated,” she sighs. “First. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You are his wife. We must remember they are the same.

However, you must understand that they think of themselves as separate entities so
they
are not going to be understanding of that fact. It’s completely normal for them to see being with the other as an act of infidelity.”

“Infidelity. I’ve never cheated on Cal a day in my life. I was never unfaithful,” I say defensively.

“I know that Lauren, but Cal won’t see it that way. In fact you being with Chris may be worse for him than if you were with another man.”

My mouth drops open. She can’t be serious.

“Bear with me please,” she says, being able to tell she’s losing me.

“You have to understand that as far as Cal is concerned you’re his wife, and in addition to that, he feels as if you belong to him. You are the one thing in his life that didn’t belong to Chris. It’s one of the many reasons that he never wanted Chris to know about the condition. Why he never told you the truth,” she explains and I feel my stomach twist into knots.

“Is this something that you’re inferring or that he told you?” I ask.

“Patient privilege,” she says with a weak smile and I let out a sigh.

“So what I am supposed to do? I don’t want to hurt either of them. I don’t want me to be the reason they hate each other more than they already do.”

“Then don’t be that reason. Be the reason they come together.”

“I don’t understand,” I ask, confused.

“My advice is to not be romantically involved with either until they start the process of integration.”

“Yeah, well, that will be easy when Cal isn’t here,” I mumble.

“When he is Lauren. You can’t sleep with him,” she says, looking me directly in the eye. I push my hand through my hair.

“That’s a lot easier said than done,” I admit. I’ve never had a good track record of turning him down.

“Well you can sleep with both of them but it will only create division between them and make each of them unwilling to relinquish control to the other, so if you’re fine with living like that…”

“I get it,” I sigh.

“Now this isn’t going to be something that Cal will particularly like...”

“You think?” He’s going to go bat shit.

“But you have to stand your ground. Cal is stubborn and manipulative but he loves you. That’s your biggest weapon.”

I nod.

“And as far as whatever Lisa has to tell him. We will deal with the aftermath of that once it happens,” she says sullenly.

“Chris’s friend Aidan said that what she has to tell him could have been what caused Cal to exist.”

I see her eyebrow rise.

“I’m sure whatever she has to tell him isn’t the original triggering event,” she says skeptically.

“It is possible it is though, right?” I ask her, and for the first time her eyes glance away from me.

“Of course, anything is possible.” And it hits me.

“Do you know what is? What caused this to happen?”

“I can’t discuss that with you Lauren,” she says quietly.

“Are you kidding?”

“These things have to be handled delicately.”

“Then what did you call me for? If you’re not going to help us?”

“I am going to help you, there are just so many things involved with this.”

“And why didn’t you tell Chris when I had Caylen?” I ask, my anger starting to rush to the surface.

“Can you at least tell me that?” I say sternly. She folds her hands together and looks at them before meeting my gaze.

“Because if we told Chris there was a very strong possibility that Cal would resurface and at
that
point it wasn’t best for anyone.”

“What are you talking about? It wouldn’t have been best for me to have the father of my child with me during my pregnancy?”

“There are things you don’t understand. You don’t know all the factors involved in our decision. Please just trust me.”

“Trust you?” I ask indignantly. Everyone wants me to trust them while they know everything and I know nothing. Everyone wants me to trust them, but no one wants to trust me,” I say, leaving the office. I’m proud of myself that I don’t slam the door. I round the corner and swiftly head towards the stairs when I bump into someone else rounding the corner.

“I’m sorry,” I say as a hand grips my arm. I look up and see an older man in maybe his early fifties with dark chestnut brown hair, one silver streak through it. He’s tall and his presence is feels intimidating though he hasn’t said a word.

“It is always my pleasure to bump into a beautiful woman,” he says, his voice smooth, like an expensive cognac, the kind of man that seems like he could buy your life in a moment without thinking twice. He lets go of my arm, a knowing smile spreads across his face and a cold chill makes its way down my back.

“I was just leaving,” I tell him as I try to make my way past him.

“Lauren Brooks…or Scott now isn’t it?” I turn back around and see him standing, or positioned is the better word, his hands crossing each other in front of him.

“Have we met before?” I ask. I see Helen appear, walking towards us swiftly, a nervous smile on her face.

“Mr. Crestfield, I didn’t know that you’d be in town. Dexter didn’t mention anything. Lauren was just leaving.”

“Dexter Crestfield, Sr.,” he says, extending his hand to me without even acknowledging Helen. I glance back at Helen whose eyes are avoiding mine. I cautiously extend my hand to him.

“Would you mind if we have a little chat?”

“Lauren has somewhere to be, Mr. Crestfield,” Helen interrupts.

“I’d only need a few minutes of your time. I think it’s about time I meet the granddaughter I’ve heard so much about,” he says coolly.

Dexter Crestfield Sr.—who I remember is my in-law.

Dexter Sr.’s office is twice the size of the one Helen was in. All dark colors and oak paneling, with little natural light coming in. It feels like the rest of the house, stoic and ridiculously expensive. One thing that seems out of character is that his desk is filled with pictures, some looking like they date back to the early 1900’s. Several are of Dexter Jr. and I notice one that looks like a young version of himself with Mr. Scott and…Chris.

“I apologize that it’s taken us so long to meet. I have been out of town on business,” he says as he settles into his leather desk chair. He must have been out of town a lot, seeing as I have never met him the entire time Cal and I were together. I also don’t know why he’d feel the need to meet me.

“I can understand why Cal took such an interest in you,” he says, his eyes giving me a once over and I feel more uncomfortable than I already am.

“Christopher is my favorite of the two, I must admit. You always know what you’re going to get,” he says bluntly.

“Tell me, what is it like to love someone who’s so torn?” he asks and I wonder why I am even sitting here with this man.

“I’m sorry Mr. Crestfield but I’d like to know why you asked me here. I know that you are a man whose time is important and I’m sure I’m not here just for you to catch up,” I say, shifting in my seat. He smiles at me and rests his elbows on the desk.

“Christopher is like William. He’s honest, a man that plays by the rules and who has values. I suppose you could say he’s plagued by his conscience,” he chuckles.

“He’s not fond of me. He took after his father in that aspect as well,” he continues, as if I hadn’t spoken at all.