If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (79 page)

“Hey honey, how was work?” she asks cheerfully. I haven’t seen her this happy in such a long time and I know Caylen is the reason.

“Good,” I say cheerfully. I go over to Caylen and kiss her on the cheek.

“How’s she been?” I ask, stealing one of Caylen’s carrots. My mom gives me a disapproving look.

“Like a perfect little angel, of course,” she says, replacing the carrot I took off Caylen’s plate even though she has at least five more pieces already.

“Lauren and Lisa are in the living room,” she says as I head in there. Lauren’s sitting upright in the brown chair. Ironically, it’s my dad’s favorite. She smiles when she sees me and my heart speeds up.

“What’s up?” Lisa says, her tone between singing and rapping.

Lauren giggles. “Hey.”

“How’d things go today? Lisa hasn’t dragged you into any trouble, has she?” I ask, sitting on the couch next to Lisa and across from Lauren.

“Oh please. If I were looking for trouble, we’d be gone,” Lisa says, hitting me with a small couch cushion.

“So…Lauren and I have been talking,” she starts, and Lauren nods her head innocently.

Maybe sending Lisa over was a bad idea.

“Lauren would really like to hear you play and since you’ve been promising to play at Ardeby’s since forever, we could all make a night of it. Saturday is open mic night,” she says excitedly, and I frown at her.

“I’ve never promised you I would play at Ardeby’s, and this Saturday? I haven’t picked up a guitar in almost a year. It’s not happening,” I say adamantly. Lisa threw Lauren’s name in this but I know this is all her doing from the awkward look on Lauren’s face.

“Quit being such a baby. It’d be great and Ardeby’s is the only place in this town that’s any fun. Lauren hasn’t been out since she’s been stuck in Mommy-ville. She could let loose a little,” she continues. I see Lauren shift uncomfortably in her seat.

“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” I remind her. She lets out a defeated huff.

“This conversation isn’t over, mister,” she says, getting up with her bag on her shoulder and heading out the door. She turns around.

“Didn’t you need to talk to me about something?” she says, remembering her other reason for being here.

“Yeah. I’ll walk you to your car,” I say begrudgingly. Lauren smiles at us, amused. She probably thinks we’re six year olds.

“Be right back,” I say, pushing my weight off the sofa and following Lisa out.

“Later, Mrs. Scott,” she says to my mom as we pass through the kitchen on the way to the back door.

“Goodbye, Lisa,” my mom says before we’re out the door.

“So what’s up, Chuck?” Lisa says as we walk around to her car.

“Why’d you do that in there, Lisa?” I ask her, irritated. She rolls her eyes.

“What did I do?” she asks as if she has no clue.

“Putting me on the spot in front of Lauren. You know I don’t play anymore.”

She waves me off nonchalantly. “Grow up, Chris. Really, what are you, a twelve year old with a crush?” she says, mocking me.

“Forget it. I’ll talk to you later,” I say angrily, walking away from her.

“Ugh, Chris, come on. I didn’t think it was that big a deal. You used to love to play. She wants to hear you play. We get to have a few drinks and a night out in the process. Most people at Ardeby’s are so drunk on Saturdays that you could play a dying cat and they’d be into it,” she says, blocking my path.

I frown at her.

“Come on. You wanted to talk to me about something. What is it?” she says sincerely.

“Can you be normal Lisa and not over-the-top Lisa,” I plead, and she grins.

“Normal Lisa it is,” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Okay. Let’s get in your car.”

Once we’re in, she looks over at me expectantly. I’m not nervous. Lisa doesn’t make me nervous. She’s one of the least judgmental people I know, but to admit out loud what’s been going on with me is still scary. It’s the same reason why I haven’t called the doctor Aidan suggested. I have to do it eventually. If Lauren starts talking to a therapist before I do, that’s really going to make it look like I’m not taking this seriously, and I am.

It just seems like a big step, trusting someone with my mental wellness. It didn’t go so well the last time but this is Lisa, my best friend since preschool. We don’t have any secrets.

“I’ve started to remember things,” I say.

I look over at her and instead of her normal reassuring smile, her expression is tense.

“Remember what, exactly?” she asks quietly and I feel myself grimace.

“Why do you look so nervous? You’re making me nervous.” I laugh, and she shakes her head, covering her face.

“Sorry. OK, go ahead,” she says, and gives me a reassuring smile.

“Things about Cal and Lauren,” I admit, and her smile widens.

“Anything good?” she says suggestively.

I frown.

“I mean like how you guys met, when you got married. Get your mind out of the gutter, Chris,” she says the last part teasingly.

“No. They don’t seem like milestones or anything. Well, I think one is the first time he told her he loved her,”

“Awww,” Lisa feigns a swoon and I try to ignore her. I tell her about the bits and pieces I’ve seen and about the memory I had last night. She listens attentively and doesn’t interrupt. She’s quiet until I look over at her and wait for her reaction.

“How do you know what you’re seeing is real?” she asks. That’s the million dollar question. “It feels real. So real that when I’m awake, it’s hard to tell the difference, but I don’t really know.”

“There’s only one way to know,” she says, and I know what she’s going to say before she even says it.

“You have to ask Lauren,” she says it anyway.

“I don’ think that’s a good idea,” I say with a sigh.

“I don’t want to confuse her or send her mixed signals,” I admit.

“Oh, but giving her cooking lessons and talking on the phone with her for hours definitely isn’t doing that.” She laughs sarcastically.

“She told you that?” I ask, surprised.

“She told me about the cooking thing. Your other best friend told me about the hours-long conversations,” she chuckles.

Aidan’s like a freakin’ girl.

“You don’t think I should teach her how to cook?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “Chris, you’re missing the point. I think you should do what you feel like doing. If these things are making you feel right, do them,” she says enthusiastically. It would be great advice, but when it comes to acting on impulses, Lisa is definitely not the person to ask for advice. She does whatever she wants and rarely thinks about the consequences.

“I don’t want to send her the wrong message,” I say firmly.

“What message are you trying to send, Chris? Because to be honest, I don’t think you know,” she laughs.

“Now get out of my car before I really am late,” she says.

“That’s it. No sage advice, no words of encouragement?” I ask, disappointed. She pauses for a moment and looks up as if she’s in deep thought.

“Bacon cheeseburgers,” she says, and I look at her, confused.

“What?”

“You knock two meals out in one, bacon’s in the breakfast group and burgers in the lunch group.”

I shake my head and get out of her car.

Lisa says I’m confused, and I am. I’ve never been this confused in my whole life. It’s like I’m being pulled in two different directions, my thoughts fighting against one another. My mind is constantly changing. I spend the rest of the day with my dad, unloading the supplies my parents picked up from Denton. We end up working through dinner, silently frustrated with each other. By the time we’re finished, my mom and Lauren have already eaten dinner. My mom is in her room, tired from the day, and Lauren and Caylen in theirs. I shower and come down to eat dinner and see that my dad’s finishing up his meal. We both sit, eating quietly, not much conversation between us at all.

I wonder if this is going to be our new normal. I hope not. I love my dad and at one time he was my best friend. But more and more, I feel this deep seed of resentment and contempt growing towards him. I thought I was over the fact that he kept the secret about my condition from me, but I still haven’t been able to shake it. I’ve forgiven my mom but it’s like there’s a barrier keeping me from doing the same with him and the advice he keeps trying to give me about Lauren is just making things worse.

He gets up from the table and rinses his plate. He looks over at me as if he’s going to say something, but doesn’t. I want to talk to him but I don’t because I know he wouldn’t approve of what I’m about to do. After he’s left the room, I clean up my area and look in the fridge. There’s ground beef, eggs, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes and cheese. I take all the items out and set them up on the counter. The one piece of advice I did take from Lisa is the dish for our first cooking lesson, and, if things go okay, I’m going to tell Lauren that I’ve started to remember things.

At least I think I’m starting to remember things. I am going to try to downplay the romantic aspect of what I remember as much as I can. I want to be her friend. Being her friend is okay. If I’m her friend, I can be there in the way she needs me to be. Being her friend won’t hurt Jenna, and if I’m her friend, the urges I have to be around her, to see her, hear her voice won’t make me feel so guilty.

Lauren and I will be friends.

Just like Lisa and I are friends.

Jenna doesn’t like the fact that Lisa and I are friends, but it’s something she’s dealt with. I pull out my phone and text her to see if she’s up. I hope she is or I’m going to feel like an idiot with all of this stuff laid out. If she’s not, I’ll make a burger and take it for lunch tomorrow. I turn on the kitchen radio but low enough so it doesn’t disturb anyone else in the house or wake up Caylen. My phone alert goes off, it’s Lauren responding. I text her to see if she’s ready. A few minutes go by and she walks into the kitchen, a curious smile on her face. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she’s wearing a pink tank top with pink and black flannel pajama pants. She almost looks like a teenager, her face youthful and vibrant. She could easily pass for a senior at my school and she’s…I don’t know how old she is.

“Hey,” she says, walking towards me. She eyes the ingredients on the table and lets out a laugh.

“Meatloaf?” she asks. I scratch my head. Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought.

“No. Bacon cheeseburgers,” I say nervously.

“I was just kidding,” she says, flashing me a wide smile that makes my heart speed up.

Lisa’s smile doesn’t make your heart speed up like this.

“You almost gave me a heart attack,” I say, giving her a playful nudge with my elbow. I ignore the warm sensation that shoots through my body the moment I touch of her. I notice her face flushes but her expression doesn’t change.

“Okay, we’ll start by washing our hands” I say, quickly distracting myself from the moment. I turn on the water and hand her the soap after squeezing some out for myself. We both scrub fairly quickly and head to the counter where the ingredients are.

“Now this may sound stupid, but remember, I’m a novice,” she says nervously.

I lean on the counter. “There are no stupid questions,” I assure her and she laughs nervously.

“What are the eggs for?” she asks timidly, and I try to hide my smile.

“It makes the meat stick together,” I explain, putting half the ground beef in her bowl and the other half in mine.

“Do we have to use eggs?”

“Uhm. You don’t have to unless you’re adding bread crumbs,” I explain, and she frowns.

“Okay. No eggs.” I laugh. I take the carton of eggs and put them back in the fridge.

“This is going to be your simple, on-the-go, less-than-twenty-minutes burger, okay?” I say playfully, and she nods.

“As you get better and become familiar with different seasonings and all of that, you can add more things, but for now, let’s keep it simple.”

“I like simple,” she interjects.

“Salt, pepper. I like onions, and you’re good to go.”

“Sounds good,” she says, seemingly interested. I take a half of an onion I’d already chopped and pour some in my bowl of meat.