If I Let You Go (10 page)

“I know this is a mess,” he said. “The timing is awful, but even if we don’t talk about it, the feelings will still be there.”

“I can cope with the feelings. I can’t cope with acting on them. Not when you’re leaving in a few weeks.”

I looked into his eyes, willing him to let it go. To understand why it was better to carry on as if nothing had happened like we’d done for the past couple of weeks. A moment passed, and finally, he nodded, letting go of me. I turned to leave again, but jumped when I noticed Tilly standing in the doorway. Her cheeks were streaked with tears, and she clung to Mungo and Patch.

“Why are you in Daddy’s room?” she asked.

She couldn’t have been there for too long, but my heart still thundered. If she saw Dominic’s arms around me or heard anything, it would only confuse her, and things were complicated enough for her already.

“We were just talking,” I told her, as she walked towards me and reached out for me to pick her up.

“Did you have another bad dream?” Dominic asked, taking her hand in his.

She nodded, then buried her face into my shoulder as we all sat on the bed.

“Come here, darling.”

Tilly let me go and crawled onto his lap. “Do you want to sleep in here with me tonight?” he asked, and she nodded.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” I said.

“Wait!” Tilly said. “Can’t you sleep here too?”

If only
everything in
life was as simple as it seems
through a child’s eyes.

“Not really,” I said. “This is Daddy’s bed.”

“Yeah I know, but he doesn’t mind, do you, Daddy?”

Dominic shrugged. “I don’t mind. But Madison has her own bed to sleep in.”

Her lower lip stuck out a little. “But I’ll be safer if you’re both with me.”

She was totally playing me because she knew I hated leaving her after a nightmare. I wouldn’t usually let her get away with it, but it was late, she was tired and I figured I could sneak out as soon as she fell asleep.

“Okay,” I told her. “I’ll sleep in here.”

“Yay!”

I refused to look at Dominic as I walked around the bed to climb in beside Tilly. He twisted himself around and got in on the other side of her. She snuggled into him, still clinging tightly to her soft toys. Even though she was upset with him for going back on his promise to be at her birthday party, I loved how she always knew he’d keep her safe. Dominic tucked his arm around her, and she wriggled closer.

I kept firmly to my side of the bed, until Tilly tugged at my nightie to pull me to her. I shuffled over as Dominic switched off the light, and when I couldn’t possibly get any closer, I said, “Are you comfy now?”

“Very,” Tilly answered.

She made an excellent buffer between Dominic and me, but he was still close enough that if I moved just a fraction, our legs would touch. Tilly picked up my hand, and slung it across her and Dominic, where it slapped noisily down on his arse.

Yes, he had his boxers on, but that didn’t make it any less embarrassing.

We looked at each other over the top of Tilly’s head, and even in the dark, I could see him trying to conceal a grin. I couldn’t help it, I started to laugh.  When Dominic joined in, Tilly said, “Stop giggling, I’m trying to sleep!”

“Hmm, bit of a cheek as you were the one who woke us up, little lady!” I said, moving my hand so it rested on her arm, not Dominic’s bum.

“You had to use the word ‘cheek,’” he said, laughing harder.

Unknowingly, Tilly had eased the tension in the weirdest way, making the situation funnier than it should have been. Dominic and I were laughing so much the bed shook.

“Seriously!” Tilly said. “Stop laughing, or Madison will have to go back to her own room.”

“Well now she sounds like you!” Dominic said, and this time, I slapped his arm. It was hard to muster much force while laughing at being given a “warning” by a five-year-old.

“I should go.”

“No, stay!” Tilly said, grabbing onto my nightie again. “Just stop laughing.”

“Yes, boss.”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek, and tried to get a grip on myself. Again, my eyes met Dominic’s over the top of her head, and his hand reached for mine, our fingers intertwining. After what I’d said about “walking away,” I should have let go. But it felt too good.

We stayed that way until Tilly fell asleep. The sound of her soft breathing relaxed me. The faint smile on her lips that made me wonder what she was dreaming of. It certainly didn’t seem to be the monsters that had tortured her earlier.

“Maddi?”

His whisper startled me, and I whispered back, “She’s asleep. I’ll go to bed now.”

“No.” He squeezed my hand. “Stay. Please.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared of the dark.”

I snorted out a laugh when Dominic smiled. “Tilly will look after you,” I said, keeping my voice low. “Plus she brought her army of nightmare destroyers with her.”

“True. But you told Tilly you’d stay.”

His thumb gently stroked the back of my hand. I wasn’t sure if he was even aware of it, but even that small movement set my mind reeling again. I wanted to run to the safety of my own room, where it would be easier to block out the feelings I had for him. Staying in his bed, the place that had kick-started all of the complications, was a bad move, I knew. But being close to him was too tempting. Too comfortable.

“I’ll stay,” I told him.

I
only
wish you would do the same.

Chapter 10

Tilly’s birthday sleepover. Four six-year-olds. One adult.

It could have been a disaster, but I’d worked my arse off to make sure that, even if Dominic wasn’t there, Tilly’s sixth birthday would be her best ever.

Her friends, Lucy, Ava and Lily arrived at the flat mid-afternoon, which meant I had to keep them entertained for a long time. After checking with the girls’ parents that they had no allergies, and no problems with their little ones playing dress-up, I was ready for a day of epic girlyness.

It all started with the making of pizzas. I figured if we made the food instead of ordering it in, it would take up a bit of extra time, plus, kids always love to cook. In hindsight, I should have been better prepared for the amount of mess that can be made with grated cheese, tomato puree and all the other ingredients we chose to throw on the pizzas, but we had a lot of fun doing it.

Once we’d eaten the pizza, the fun times started. I’d been stockpiling hair accessories, kid-friendly make-up, face paints and fancy dress outfits for weeks. It cost a small fortune, but the look of delight that greeted me when I presented the kids with my stash made it worthwhile.

“Can I wear this?” Lucy asked, pulling out a pink, sparkly feather boa.

I’d placed the box on the floor in the middle of the living room, and Tilly, Lucy, Ava and Lily practically dived into it to see what they could find.

“You can wear anything you like,” I told her, kneeling on the floor beside them.

Tilly bounced up and down on the balls of her feet as she peered into the box. “Fairy wings!”

She reached over for the five sets of glittery wings, because obviously, I had to have some too, and handed them out. Giggling, we all put them on, and more than an hour later, we were ready to party.

All of the girls wore wings and tiaras, but I’d styled Tilly’s hair into a French plait, and decorated her eyelids with silver sparkly eye shadow. The other girls also decorated themselves in a mix of butterfly hair clips, glitter hairspray, face paints and more. They then decided I needed a makeover too, so I separated my long hair into high pigtails like Lily’s, and let Tilly do my make-up. Thankfully, she did a great job. There was a tad too much blusher on my cheeks, and she went crazy with the glitter eye shadow, but it could have been a whole lot worse.

Together, we made a colourful and sparkly group.

With our “party” gear on, it was time to whip out the games console. If there’s anything little girls love more than dressing up, it’s dancing. I cranked up the volume, and we played along with the game copying the dance moves on the screen with varying levels of success. The whole time, we sang along, giggling at each other when we got the moves wrong, and when they were just too difficult, we made up our own.

I was jiving with Ava to Katy Perry when I heard a man’s laugh behind me.

“Daddy!”

Tilly let go of Lucy – her dance partner – and stood, staring at her father, her eyes wide with gleeful surprise. I probably looked much the same. He’d made no indication he would be home early, so to see him standing there was a shock.

“Having fun?” he asked, with a grin.

Tilly shot across the room and leapt into his arms. “Happy Birthday, sweetheart!”

“I can’t believe you’re here!” she said, cuddling him tightly, while he tried to avoid squishing her wings.

“I couldn’t miss your birthday, could I?”

In that instant, I took back every bad thing I’d ever thought about him – not that there had been many bad thoughts. He’d actually made it back from work in time to fulfil his promise to her, and completely made her day.

“You’re just in time,” I said, smiling. “Tilly hasn’t had her birthday cake yet.”

At the mention of cake, all the girls let out cheers of approval, and Dominic said, “Do you need a hand?”

“Sure. Keep dancing, ladies,” I said. “We’ll get the cake.”

Dominic returned Tilly to the floor, and he and I made our way to the kitchen. From the corner of my eye, I noticed his expectant expression, and I looked up at him.

“What do you want?” I asked, trying to hide a grin. “A round of applause? A nomination for the Father of the Year award?”

“Both.”

“Okay, okay. You just made this her best birthday ever!”

I kissed him on the cheek, and he started to laugh again. “Take it easy, Tinkerbell! I don’t want to get covered in glitter!”

Crap. I’d forgotten about my “costume” – I’d gotten used to the wings far too quickly.

“I don’t think you have much choice,” I said. “It looks like a Disney movie threw up all over the living room! There’s no way you’ll escape getting a bit sparkly.”

“Lovely,” he said, sarcastically, but smiled again. “You look cute.”

“Daddy, Madison, hurry up with my cake!”

At the sound of Tilly’s voice, I tore my eyes away from Dominic’s and went to the fridge to get her birthday cake.

Probably a good thing Tilly interrupted. He thinks I look cute as a fairy, I think he looks gorgeous in his suit. That
is
exactly the kind of situation I plan to avoid.

I’d bought Tilly a cake in the shape of a monkey. It seemed a bit cruel to shove candles in a Mungo lookalike, but she loved it. We all gathered around the coffee table to sing Happy Birthday, but before she blew her candles out and made her wish, she looked at Dominic and me, smiling, happy to have her family together.

It was a little after nine when the girls had calmed down enough to settle in Tilly’s room with their sleeping bags. I knew for sure that, although they were tired from being so energetic all evening, it would be a while before they would allow themselves to fall asleep. Sleepovers were made for staying awake way past bedtime, but as long as they were quiet, it didn’t matter to me.

Once they were happily tucked in, Dominic and I treated ourselves to a small glass of wine each, and sat together on the sofa.

Dominic eyed the mess of fancy dress clothes, and the wrapping paper from Tilly’s presents which was still all over the living room floor. “Still sure you don’t want me to hire that cleaner?”

“I’m sure,” I laughed. “There are four little helpers pretending to sleep who can give us a hand in the morning.”

“You can’t just wave your magic wand, and make it all go away?” He grinned.

“No can do. My wings are off and the fairy dust has been used up. We’ll have to do it the old fashioned way, I’m afraid!”

“You did something really special here today. When did you get all this stuff?”

“I’ve been buying it for weeks. Just little bits here and there, because I knew the girls would love it.”

“Do you want me to pay you back for it?”

I shook my head. “No, I haven’t been keeping track of how much it costs anyway.”

I genuinely hadn’t. It had to be around sixty quid’s worth, but it didn’t matter to me. I’d had as much fun playing with it as the kids.

“You spent so much on her gift, though,” Dominic said. “You’re not supposed to spend all of your wages on her!”

“She deserves it,” I told him, looking over at the Sylvanian Families windmill, and four sets of animals I’d bought her. I knew Dominic had bought her the hotel for her birthday, so it made sense to add to her collection. The joy on Tilly’s face told me I’d made a good decision.

As I turned to look at Dominic again, our eyes met, and a small shiver rippled down my spine.

“Madison … there’s something I have to talk to you about.”

I shifted, moving away from him slightly. “Dom, if this is about-”

“It’s about New York.”

He set his wine glass down on the window ledge, and loosened his tie in that way that made me want to jump him. His face was serious, a huge change from the smile he’d given me a few minutes ago.

“What is it?” I asked.

He took a deep breath. “I talked to my boss when I got to New York on Monday. I told him I’m not sure about moving there.”

My heart stopped for a second. “What? But … you want to go.”

“I
wanted
to go. When I thought it was a good career move, and I thought it would be better for Tilly. But now … I don’t really believe that anymore.”

“Why not? You were pretty damn sure when you told me about it, and have been for the last couple of weeks.”

He nodded. “I was. Right up until you asked me about Serena.”

The mention of her name annoyed me, which was ridiculous. I’d never even met the woman.

“Serena? What does she have to do with anything?”

“You freaked out over her.” I opened my mouth to speak but he went on. “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t. But I need to know
why
you freaked out.”