If I Let You Go (7 page)

“It wasn’t like that,” he said.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t need to. I know what you’re thinking, and it wasn’t … it’s nothing, okay? I-”

I held up my hands to stop him. “None of my business.”

On the way to my room, I took my phone out of my pocket and sent a text to Neil.

R u
busy?

I didn’t expect an instant response, so when my mobile beeped again right away, I nearly dropped it.

Not busy. You
wanna
do something?

Can I come over?

Of course.
What time?

Now.

Lol, okay, shall I get the Barry White CDs out? ;)

Smiling, I typed back:
No need for romance, just open a bottle of wine and I’m all yours. And this time, I won’t change my mind.

I put my phone down on my bed, and threw some things into a bag with a weird sense of déjà vu.

“You know what, you’re right,” Dominic said, following me into my room. “It’s none of your business, but it’s obviously pissed you off, so before things get any more uncomfortable between us, I’d like to get it out in the open.”

“Dom, why do you always want to talk everything out?” I sighed. “It’s been a rough week. And you knew that. Hearing Tilly crying in her room, having her crawl into my bed in the middle of the night – it hurts. You could have been here, you
should
have been here. Instead, you lied to me and you lied to Tilly and that’s not okay.”

“I didn’t lie. I
was
called to New York. But Serena … she’s … we were-” he trailed off again, and I wondered what the hell was so difficult for him to say. Was she just a friend? Was she important?

Do I care?

“I was seeing her,” he said, eventually, sitting down on my bed. “Not seriously, we were … like you and Neil. We work together, we were attracted to each other and it was just … easy. But she started wanting more from me than I was willing to give.”

“Why weren’t you willing?”

“Because she’s a self-involved, shallow bitch. Makes me sound like a dick for sleeping with her for so long, but she wasn’t so bad at first. But the more I got to know her, the less I liked her.”

It sounded nothing like what I had with Neil. We both knew where we stood, we didn’t want a relationship, but we still had respect for each other.

“I broke things off with her last week,” he went on. “But when she found out I was in New York this week, she wanted to see me. She invited me over to her flat last night, tried to get me to change my mind. The only reason I left my work there was because I was in such a rush to get away from her. I thought I’d made my feelings clear, but if she called here-”

“Hold on,” I interrupted. “When did you say you broke things off with her?”

Dominic averted his eyes.

“Oh God,” I said, wearily rubbing my eyes.

I’d never once thought that having sex with Dominic was anything more than two people venting their frustration, but the idea that he might have been thinking about someone else at the time didn’t exactly fill me with joy.

“We need some time out,” I said. “Because at the moment, when we’re together, everything just gets messier. I’ll stay at Neil’s tonight, and I’ll come back late on Saturday.”

Then all we have to do is survive a four hour car journey together on Sunday morning.
Yay.

I’d have much preferred to spend the weekend at home, near Tilly. My time with her was rapidly running out, but the idea of clashing with Dominic over and over didn’t appeal at all. I still hadn’t said half of the things that had been circling in a constant loop around my head for the past week, and letting them out would only cause another fight I didn’t have the energy for.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to argue.”

“Me neither. But if I stay, that’s what will happen.”

He nodded. “Okay. Okay.”

***

Neil took one look at my face and said, “We’re not going to have sex tonight, are we?”

I’d arrived on his doorstep, carrying my overnight bag and wearing a look of … well, I’m not sure what I looked like, but I felt like I’d been steamrollered.

“Do I have to decide now?” I asked.

“I think the decision’s made,” Neil said, pulling me into a hug. “Come on, I’ll get us a drink.”

Neil led me to his sofa, and left me there while he made two cups of tea which he placed on the coffee table in front of us.

“What’s going on, then?” he asked. “Am I losing my charm? You’ve turned me down two weeks in a row, I’m starting to get offended.”

“Oh shut up,” I laughed, giving him a gentle shove. “You know that ‘friends with benefits’ deal? Well, I’m cashing in on the ‘friend’ part.”

Neil smiled. “About time. As offended as I was by the rejection, nobody wants to be used just for their body!”

“I loathe you,” I said, still laughing. “But Erica’s working so you’re all I’ve got!”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. “You know I’m here for you anytime, babe. So tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong.” I told him. “But being at home is getting more uncomfortable every day and I had to get out.”

“What’s happening over there? Is the move getting too stressful?”

“Ha. Dom could have kept this whole thing a secret until the day he left for all that’s changed.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“No. I mean, he only just got back tonight, but even if he was there the whole time, I couldn’t talk to him about it. I get angry just thinking about it.”

“Why? I know you love Tilly, but this move is going to be good for her, isn’t it?”

“I can’t see how. Uprooting her to somewhere she won’t know anyone, being dumped with a stranger while Dom continues to spend more time in places that aren’t home. She’s terrified, and Dominic … he sees it, but he keeps going on about how his massive pay rise will make a big difference to them.”

“I don’t have kids or anything but surely it would be better for him to spend his time with her, rather than his money.”

“Yes! That’s the point he keeps missing. It’s like he thinks working so hard will make up for everything when what she really needs is for him to be there for her.”

How could Neil see it so clearly, but Dominic be so blind?

“Can I ask a personal question?” Neil said, and right away I knew where he was going.

“You can ask.”

“Is there something else going on here? Something that’s more to do with Dominic than Tilly?”

“No.” I sighed. “No. I do care about him. A lot. And I don’t want him to go any more than I want Tilly to. I think because he’s leaving, it’s making me wonder if I’m missing something with him but I’m pretty sure it’s just fear.”

“Fear of what?”

“Of starting my life. Of having to stand on my own two feet.”

“Madison, you already do that.”

“I know. I know, but Dom’s always been there. I can count on him for anything so I never felt like I was on my own. When they go, there’ll be a big hole in my life and I don’t know what to fill it with.”

Neil smiled, like he knew something I didn’t. He didn’t say a word, though. Instead, he held me closer, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder, my brain whirling at a thousand miles an hour. I hadn’t realised how scared I was until Neil asked the questions. I’d lived on my own before, my family weren’t too far away, so I would never really be alone. But Tilly had been my only priority for so long. I never intended to be Dominic’s live-in babysitter forever. I knew a point would come when things would change and I’d need to re-assess my life. But I’d expected more warning. More than a few weeks, and I’d never expected the shift to be so big.

And underneath the fear was a nagging question. The one that cropped up when I’d watched Dominic loosen his tie, and when I’d heard Serena’s voice on the phone. The one that was too afraid to ask why I’d slept with Dominic when I knew how much damage it might do.

Discovering the answer to the question was pointless, though. What difference would it make? If I felt nothing or if I felt something, he was still leaving. I couldn’t change that.

Chapter 7

Four hours trapped in a car with an almost six-year-old and a man you’re barely talking to is the definition of living hell. Okay, that might be a bit dramatic, but between the, “Are we there yets,” and the palpable tension, I spent most of my time wishing I’d taken the train.

Dominic and I were keeping things civil, but it didn’t feel real. It was the fake kind of politeness that meant the atmosphere stayed pleasant for Tilly’s sake, but lurking underneath was a fight waiting to happen. Or if not a fight, at least an excruciatingly uncomfortable conversation.

When Dominic dropped me at my parents’ house, I sprang out of the car as if I’d been launched from a catapult.

My parents, bless their hearts, had made up a Devonshire cream tea for my arrival. You just can’t get proper clotted cream in London, it doesn’t taste the same. No matter how long I lived near the big city, I’d always been a small town girl at heart.

I spent most of my first day back just chatting with them, except for a brief trip into town where some of the long-time locals greeted me as if I was a lost sheep returning to the herd. It was fun to see everyone, but also weird how so many people stayed in the same place for so long. The same people worked in the same shops, and the little old ladies still congregated outside the church in town on the benches, to pause for breath or simply to talk about whatever little old ladies talk about.

Sitting in my parents’ living room that evening, watching
Eastenders
and dunking chocolate digestives into a mug of tea was the most relaxing part of my day.

Until my phone rang.

It was a little after nine, and I honestly hadn’t expected to hear from Dominic. I wanted to ignore the call, but I picked up anyway, assuming whatever it was could be dealt with quickly.

Right away, I heard it. Tilly’s screams reached my ears almost as loudly as if I were there with her. My heart started to race because the sound, although familiar, always scared me.

“Madison,” Dominic said, his voice shaky. “I need some help.”

“She had a nightmare.”

“Yeah, I think so. She woke up five minutes ago, screaming that something was in her room. I tried to calm her down, but she kept asking for you. She’s still asking for you, Madison, and I don’t know what to do. I told her you can’t come because you’re on holiday and I don’t want to disturb you, but she knows you’re not far away. And … she keeps asking for Mungo. What the hell is a Mungo?”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or shout at him for his cluelessness. In fairness, he knew Tilly needed her cuddly monkey, but Tilly only came up with the name quite recently.

“It’s her monkey,” I said. “Mungo is her monkey.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot her monkey.”

“Dom, you know she can’t sleep without it.”

“She fell asleep in front of the TV earlier, so I carried her to bed and hoped she’d be okay. What shall I do?”

“Just stay with her, keep talking to her. She’ll feel better if she knows you’re not going anywhere. And … I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I hung up with a sigh.

“Everything okay?” Mum asked, looking up from her knitting. She loved to knit, not because it’s a stereotypical thing for old people to do – she wasn’t that old – but because she always had to be doing something, even while watching television. Dad had fallen asleep in his chair.

“Not really,” I told her. “Tilly had a nightmare and she’s asking for me. I’m going to give Dominic a hand with her.”

She threw me a warm smile. “Madison, you can’t always be there, you know? I know that little girl means the world to you, but soon she won’t be able to count on you to go to her.”

“I know. But while I can, I will. I’ll try not to be too long.”

I ordered a cab to take me across town, then ran up to my room. On my old dresser, Mum had kept a selection of my old soft toys. Who knows why, but at that moment, I was glad. I picked up my former favourite childhood toy – a grey and brown fluffy dog, and tucked it into my bag before going outside to wait for the taxi.

Dominic’s mum, Jayne, hadn’t always lived nearby. She moved into town shortly after Dominic and his wife, to be closer to them so she could help with Tilly. His older brother, David, had followed a year or so later with his own family. Having them around had turned out to be far more useful than Dominic expected, especially after Hayley left. Jayne was the sweetest person ever, and even on the few occasions I’d gone to Devon without Dominic and Tilly, I always made sure to visit her.

Jayne greeted me with a hug, promising we’d talk soon but Tilly was still screaming upstairs, so I hurried up to her, the sound scratching at my insides.

Dominic sat with her, but in her inconsolable state she kept pushing him away, telling him to get Mungo.

The scene was painful in so many ways.

“Tilly,” I said, softly.

My voice silenced her, and she stared at me for a few moments, as if trying to work out if I was really there or part of a dream. I stepped into the room and sat with her and Dominic on the bed, pulling her into my arms. When she realised she was actually awake, she started to sob again, clinging to me. I glanced at Dominic over Tilly’s shoulder. With tears glistening in his eyes, he gave me a grateful smile before leaving the room.

“I had a bad dream,” Tilly said, while I stroked her hair. “I had a bad dream.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked, trying to shake the image of Dominic’s sadness from my head.

“No. Don’t leave me, Maddi!”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby girl. I’ll stay right with you until you fall asleep.”

“I’m not going to sleep. You have to stay!”

“Shh. Everything’s going to be okay.”