If I Tell (17 page)

“Go,” I told him. “Take her. I’ll stay. I’ll look after the baby.” I tried not to ignore the overwhelming fact that I knew nothing about babies. I’d never even baby-sat in my life.

He rubbed at the short hair on his head. “It’ll probably take hours at the ER.”

“Go. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure you’ll be okay?” He massaged his forehead, his expression uncertain.

“I can handle it. You have to take her. She needs to go. ”

Upstairs Mom’s bedroom door opened. Simon leaped to his feet as Mom shuffled down the hallway, peeked down the stairs, and then took a step toward us. Her hair was still dirty and messy, and she had on no makeup, but she’d put on an old pair of sweatpants and one of Simon’s big T-shirts. Her face looked calmer, accepting of her fate.

“Jaz is great with the baby,” she called out softly to Simon. “Better than I am.”

“Mom,” I said. “That’s not true.”

She took another step down. “I love him.”

“I know,” Simon said.

“No. I was talking to Jaz,” she said softly.

“I know you love him,” I said.

Her eyes watered. She wrapped her arms around herself. “You were right. I’m the worst mother in the world.”

I remembered what I’d said to her at the restaurant. “Oh, Mom. You’re not. I never meant that. I was just being awful, trying to hurt you. You’re a good mom.” I blushed. “You’re sick. Go with Simon. I’ll take care of the baby. It’s okay. You need to get looked after too.”

She grabbed the railing on the stairs and whimpered. “Everyone else always has to take care of my babies.”

Simon bounded up the stairs, and when he reached her, she folded against him for support. He helped her down the stairs. Her pale, makeup-free face bothered me almost as much as her behavior. When they reached the bottom, she let go of Simon and tiptoed to the playpen.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she whispered, stroking their son’s fingers. “I love you. I do.”

She wiped away her tears and struggled to gain control, and then she turned to me. “Joe,” she said.

She glanced at Simon. He nodded.

“His name. Joseph Simon Peacock. Joe for Grandpa.”

I wiped under my eyes as she gave me instructions on the proper way to change diapers and how often to feed him. Simon wrapped a coat over her shoulders and moved her toward the front door.

“Look after Joe,” he told me.

“I will.”

My mom shivered, and he led her away and left me all alone. In charge of my baby brother’s life.

Simon walked through the front door hours later, waking me from a light sleep on the couch. He hurried to the playpen, bent down, and scooped up Joe, snuggling him close.

“Where’s my mom?”

“I’ll put him upstairs in his crib,” Simon said. “And then we can talk about your mom.”

“Leave him. I’ll stay on the couch tonight. That way I can get up with him if he cries.”

Simon shook his head. “No. That’s not your job, Jaz. You’ve done so much already. I’m his dad. I get up with him. He’ll sleep in his crib. I have a baby monitor.”

I nodded, a little surprised. I’d kind of expected that he would let me be the one to look after Joe. Instead he was being totally responsible and dealing with things head-on.

“Is my mom okay?”

“She’s been admitted. She’s in good hands.”

I bit my lip, waiting as Simon carried little Joe up the stairs to settle him in his room. A few minutes later, Simon returned carrying the baby monitor. He propped it on the coffee table and fell back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.

“They admitted her?” I asked again.

He nodded. “The doctors think it’s severe postpartum depression. They’re worried she might be suicidal. They’re going to try to stabilize her with meds.” He looked down at his hands. “They want to keep her in the psych ward for a few weeks.”

I breathed out. “The psych ward? A few weeks?”

“It’ll take a while for the medicine to start working, and they can monitor it there. She’s terrified and she’s horrified, but there’s relief in her face too. You know? She’s definitely not herself. She knows she needs help.”

He stood up and looked around the room, and then he sat again, his face confused.

“She’s embarrassed to admit she has a mental illness.” He made quote marks in the air with his fingers. “But, she’s so bad right now that she’s willing to do anything to get better. She’s really scared. For the baby.”

I picked at my nails but didn’t respond.

“It’s an illness. Like diabetes or something. They have to treat it. The doctor said we shouldn’t be ashamed of her, of what’s happening to her. We want to make sure she gets better.”

He jumped to his feet again and wandered into the kitchen.

“I called your grandma. She came to the hospital. I made her meet with the doctor. She’s trying to digest the fact that your mom has a real illness and isn’t just looking for a way out.” He grabbed a glass from the cupboard and went to the sink to pour himself water. “Your grandma’s trying. I’ll give her that.”

“Grandma’s been kind of tough on her.”

Simon nodded. “I know, but she talked to some nurses and they gave her material to read. She wants you to stay here tonight since it’s late and to call her in the morning.” He paused. “They gave your mom something to make her sleep. She hasn’t slept in days.” He blinked, dazed. “She needs sleep. No wonder she’s so messed up. She hasn’t slept.”

He chugged back the water in one gulp.

“The doctor said it’s part of the illness. Insomnia. He said it’s all a part of it. The panic, feeling like she can’t cope or can’t handle the baby.”

He put his glass on the counter. “They told me she’ll get better, Jaz. She will get better.”

“I looked it up on the Internet when you were gone.” I’d googled her symptoms and was led straight to a page on postpartum depression.

I sighed. “I’m glad you took her to the hospital. Thanks.”

“I should have known earlier. Man, I should have helped more when Joe was in the hospital,” Simon said. “I thought she was doing okay. I should have known.” He plunked down on the love seat opposite the couch. “I should have taken her in sooner.”

He cradled his head in his hands.

My heart opened to him a little. “None of us knew. Grandma hasn’t been helping much either. Or me.” I hung my head. “I haven’t been around. I’ve been kind of avoiding her.”

Simon exhaled. “You’re a good kid. This is a lot for you to handle.”

I studied my nails again. He didn’t know the whole truth of everything I’d been handling. His secret too. Him and Lacey.

“We’re going to get her through this,” Simon said, his voice choked with emotion and conviction. “She’s going to be okay. She’ll be okay.”

He seemed so genuine. A tear slipped from my eyes and trailed wetly down my cheek. “Simon.” I held my breath. “Do you love my mom?”

“What?” He glanced up. “Of course I do. She’s the most important thing in the world to me. Her and Joe.”

I studied the dark, rich color of his skin. He seemed so distraught. And sincere.

“And you too, kid. You’re part of this too,” he added.

I bit my lip and reached for my guitar charm. I’d hit him, and he’d kept it quiet. Probably to protect me. I needed to know if he meant it. If he’d be there for the long run. My mom was really sick, and I needed to know if he would be there. I took a deep breath and dropped my eyes.

“I won’t ever tell her about what happened.”

Simon stared at me, confused.

“About Lacey,” I whispered. My heart pounded a melody of panic. “I know.”

Simon’s features froze. He sat up straighter. “What about Lacey?”

“I saw you,” I said quietly. “At Marnie’s. With Lacey.”

Simon’s forehead wrinkled. His brows creased together, but he stayed perfectly still, breathing in and out. I held my breath, waiting for him to deny it. To make an excuse.

Then he melted. His entire body drooped as if his bones had liquefied. His eyes glistened. He groaned and dropped his head.

“Oh, God. You saw me kissing her. Oh. God. No wonder. No wonder.” His body shook as he fought back tears, swallowing and gasping for air.

He looked up at me, his brown eyes drenched with sadness and regret. “No wonder you belted me that day. Man. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t. I honestly thought you hated me because of your dad leaving. I didn’t realize it was because of me.”

Tears dripped down my cheeks.

He scratched at his head with both hands. “It was stupid, Jaz. So incredibly stupid. I would never fool around on your mom. That’s something I promised myself when I was a kid. Not after the way my dad acted. I don’t know how it happened. I was so drunk, and all of a sudden we were kissing, and then when I realized what the hell I was doing, I got out of there as fast as I could. I had no idea you saw.”

I stared at him. “You got out of there?”

He rubbed his head and looked sick to his stomach.

“You didn’t sleep with her?”

He did a double take. His face looked sincerely shocked.

“Sleep with her?”

He didn’t. He wasn’t lying. Why hadn’t Lacey told me? I racked my brain, thinking about our conversations. I’d never come right out and asked her, and she probably didn’t remember anyhow. Lacey’s drinking was so bad she had blackouts all the time.

“I’m a jerk, but not that big of a jerk.” Then he shook his head. “God. I never wanted to hurt your mom. Or you. You’ve got to know that. I was just freaked out when I found out she was pregnant, and I got stupidly drunk. Oh, man. I’m so sorry, Jaz. Your stupid friend of all people. I’m such a fucking idiot.”

He clamped his hand over his mouth and his eyes widened.

“Your mom would kill me if she knew I just said ‘fuck’ in front of you.”

We stared at each other for a second, both of us with eyes wide. The absurdity hit me first. I started to giggle and couldn’t stop. Almost hysterically. Simon joined in, and for a moment we howled like lunatics. Tears streamed down both of our faces. The last thing my mom would be worried about right now was Simon swearing.

Simon wiped his eyes first, fighting for composure. He swallowed. The laughter disappeared.

“Now I understand why you’ve been so pissed with me. At McDonald’s…” He swallowed and scratched at his head again. “I was going to tell your mom what I did, but she was so moody and down when she was pregnant, and then the baby came early and then…” He grabbed his head with both hands. “I didn’t know what to do.”

I held my breath. I didn’t forgive him. Not completely. Not yet. He had some proving to do. But for now, he was here. Remorseful. Mom needed him, and maybe I did too.

And so I made the decision. For my mom. She couldn’t do it herself. I had to think of her health and her baby. My brother. “Don’t tell her,” I said quietly.

Simon closed his eyes. “I have to.”

“No,” I said firmly. “You don’t. The best thing right now is to forget it ever happened. Especially now. She’s sick. The most important thing is to help her get better.”

Simon didn’t answer for a moment. “I didn’t mean to involve you,” he said, scratching at his head.

“Well, you did.”

He looked up, and in his eyes, I saw his regret. His shame.

“I know,” he said.

“It’s done. So now do me a favor and don’t tell her,” I repeated.

He hung his head again, speaking to the carpet. “It was a horrible mistake, Jaz. I love your mom. I love our baby. I’ll do anything to protect them. Anything. Nothing like that will ever happen again.”

I stared at him, thoughts running through my head, and swallowed a lump. “Good.”

The baby monitor crackled, and Joe began to chortle and cough.

We both shot to our feet.

“Sit.” Simon smiled, a sad, tired effort. He started toward the stairs. “I’ve got him.”

I bit my lip, holding in tears. “You’re here to stay?”

His eyes glistened. “I am. I promise. I am.”

I reached for my dangling charm, rubbing it between my fingers. “Okay,” I said quietly.

And then I smiled. “But if you ever do something like that again, I swear I’ll castrate you.”

He winced as he put his hand on the stair railing. “Got it.” He turned back. “This is what you were writing about, isn’t it?” he asked. “Your song? I’m the one who betrayed you?”

I nodded.

He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I really am sorry. And not just that I got caught.”

He went up the stairs to comfort my brother. Tears dripped down my cheeks as I hugged myself. Some things just can’t be undone. But he wasn’t a horrible person. Not all the way through.

I didn’t want to be either.

“I forgive you,” I whispered. Maybe someday I would tell him in person.

I walked into Grinds clutching Jackson’s hoodie close, inhaling his smell and trying to be brave. I checked behind the coffee counter. He was working. I slowly walked toward him. He glanced up and his eyes gave me a sense of his hostility, but I forced myself to keep moving. Mission. I had a mission. He deserved an apology. I planned to ask for his forgiveness. See if he could give me that, see if we could go back to being friends. It was all he’d wanted from me anyway. I’d take it. If he could forgive me. That part of the decision wasn’t mine.

I thought about what I’d been rehearsing. I’d start with a joke. Jackson couldn’t resist a laugh.

“Hey,” I said. “What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?”

He blinked without even cracking a smile. Remembering my resolve, I stood straighter. I wouldn’t want to run from this.

“De-calf-inated.”

His eyes didn’t even sparkle.

“I’m sorry,” I started to say, but he’d flipped on the espresso machine and nothing I said would be heard over the racket. I waited until the noise died down.

“I’m so sorry about the awful things I said,” I told him when the machine went silent. I swallowed and took a deep breath. “I don’t think you’re a faker. I mean, it’s not your fault you don’t look biracial, and there’s no way you should act, and you totally deserve sharing the heritage. I was just trying to hurt you. It was stupid. And immature and I didn’t mean it.”

He slowly drizzled chocolate over a coffee drink but didn’t look up.

My cheeks warmed and I took a deep breath. “The thing is, I was embarrassed for, um, kissing you. And I just kind of popped when I found out you had a girlfriend. I mean, it’s no excuse, but I’d been holding so many things in, and when I got mad at you, everything seemed to come to the surface and I went for your blood. It wasn’t fair.”

I waited but Jackson kept working, not looking at me. “I guess I read our relationship all wrong, and when I realized you had a girlfriend, it mortified me. See, I was kind of dumb, and I thought there might be something more than just friendship.” My cheeks blazed but I made myself keep going. I’d practiced the speech in my mind a million times. “I’m stupid, and I lashed out at you to cover up my own humiliation. I didn’t mean what I said. It’s not true. None of it. I’m very sorry.”

I understood a little of how Nathan had felt now. Why he’d lashed out at me. Lacey had said he had a thing for me, and it was unrequited just like me with Jackson. It hurt, but I wouldn’t let that be an excuse to act like a total jerk.

Jackson lifted the coffee drink he was making and placed it on the counter. A woman stepped out from behind me, gave me a compassionate glance, and reached for her coffee. I forced myself to stay still and not run away in horror. The woman took her drink and left, but first she smiled at me with sympathy.

I took a deep breath. “I had a stupid crush on you, but I’m totally cool with being friends. I mean if you want…I mean, I won’t expect anything more of you. But I’d like to be friends. If you can forgive me.”

People did it all the time. Hung out with unreciprocated loves. Stayed friends. Jackson and I had so much in common, and I really liked talking with him.

I held out his hoodie. “Here. I brought this back.”

“Hey, Jaz, long time no see.”

I swiveled. Lacey stood behind me, her hands clasped in front of her.

“Hey, Lacey,” I said, biting my lip and wishing she’d disappear. The girl had the worst timing.

Lacey squirmed on her feet as if she were nervous too. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you forever. Can I buy you a drink?”

I glanced at Jackson.

“You should sit with her. She needs to talk.” Jackson said, and his expression was unreadable. “And keep the hoodie. I don’t need it.”

I swallowed my disappointment. I’d hoped for forgiveness, maybe even an offer of friendship, but I guess I’d gone too far. He wasn’t going to give either. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you around, maybe at school.” At least I’d apologized. I’d tried. I was proud of myself for doing it, for making an effort to be more forgiving and open.

I turned to Lacey and made a show of checking my watch. I didn’t want to spend too much time with her. “I guess we can sit and chat for a minute, but I can’t stay long. I have to babysit my brother.”

“Can I buy you a drink?” she repeated.

“Nope. I’m good.”

“Something else?” Lacey shifted from foot to foot.

“Nope. I’m fine.”

Her eyes filled with tears, and her face looked pained before she glanced down at her hands, studying her nails.

“Uh. You okay? You going to get something?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, let’s just sit then,” I told her.

Lacey followed me to a table in the café and plunked down in the seat across from me. “I quit drinking,” she blurted out as soon as her butt touched the chair.

I realized right away she didn’t mean coffee.

“The thing is that I got really drunk a couple weeks ago and ended up in the hospital.” She smiled sadly and wiped under her eyes. “It was pretty bad.”

I reached for my charm bracelet and twisted it around. “Oh, Lacey. I didn’t know. Are you okay?”

She smiled again, but it didn’t light up her red eyes. “Yeah. I mean, I guess it’s good. It made me see how bad off I was. You know, rock bottom and all that. Anyhow. That’s not the part that I wanted to talk to you about. I hooked up with a guy.” She bent her head and covered her mouth with her hand, covering a shy smile. “Not my usual hookup. I mean, he’s a friend. He took me with him. To a meeting.” She rolled her eyes. “AA.”

She lifted her hand in a wave. “Hi, my name’s Lacey, and I’m an alcoholic.” She laughed self-consciously.

I blinked. “Wow. I mean, that’s good, you know, if it’s what you need.”

“It is. I’m trying to deal with things better. You know, just like they say, one day at a time.”

I nodded. “You’ve had it tough. I’m glad for you.”

Her fingers snaked across the table, reaching for me. “I’m truly sorry. About what happened. You know, with Simon.”

God. It seemed so long ago. A lifetime ago. I held her hand for a moment but then gently pulled away. “You know you didn’t sleep with him, right?”

Her eyes lit up with relief. “I didn’t?”

“No. He left. He didn’t want to cheat on my mom. Not all the way.”

“Thank God. I wasn’t sure. You know my blackouts.”

“I know,” I told Lacey. “I’m glad you’ve stopped drinking.”

“Me too.” She cleared her throat. “And that’s even better that it wasn’t so bad because I kind of hoped we might, you know, be friends again someday. You’re the best friend I ever had.”

I stared down at the table before I looked up at her.

She sat up straighter, reading my expression and trying to hide her disappointment.

“No. I mean, I’m really trying to forgive you, Lace. You definitely aren’t yourself when you drink. Drank. I know that. And I’m so sorry about what happened to you when you were younger.” I chewed on my thumbnail.

“But…” I realized the truth and trusted myself to tell her. “I can forgive you, and I do. I forgive you, but I can’t hang out with you. Not like before. I don’t want to have to worry about awkward meetings with you and Simon or my mom finding out what happened. She couldn’t handle it right now. I kind of have to look out for her.”

I rubbed my guitar charm, hoping I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to tell Lacey about my mom’s sickness. I wanted my mom to have her privacy until she started to get better. Someday, but not now.

Sometimes keeping secrets was the right thing to do.

Lacey’s eyes glistened. “That’s okay. I understand.” She exhaled in a big puff. “I kind of hoped I could erase everything with an apology, but I guess ‘sorry’ can’t fix some things.”

“I’m sorry too, Lacey. I have to learn when to trust myself, when to believe in myself. I’m glad you’re doing that too. You’re being brave.”

She smiled, but she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. “Thanks.” She got to her feet. “I should get going. I have to work soon.” She paused. “Is it cool if I keep working with your grandma? I really like working with those kids. It makes me feel…like I’m helping someone.”

“Of course.” I smiled at her. “You’re totally going to do this, you know. Kick the drinking and feel better about yourself.”

“Yeah.” Lacey chewed her fake fingernail, a familiar old habit that I hadn’t seen in a long time. “I guess I’ll see you around. That’s okay, right?”

We both stood, and I gave her a quick hug. She smiled, looking like a shadow of her old self. “Did you hear I got a new roommate? A girl. She’s in AA too. Nathan took off. He went to Phoenix after some girl he met online. Some girl from your high school dumped him and he was devastated, but he thinks this new girl is the one. He always thinks the girl he’s into is the one.” She laughed. “You know, believe it or not, I think Nathan is really looking for true love.”

I attempted a smile. “I hope he finds it, then.”

Lacey grinned. “Yeah, and you too. I’ll see you around. Okay, Jazzy?”

I watched her leave, sad but also lightened by a sense of closure. She’d be okay without me, and I’d be okay too.

I glanced behind the coffee counter. Jackson had disappeared. With a sigh, I walked to the exit. I glanced behind me and then walked outside. I’d hoped for more from Jackson, but at least I’d said my piece. In a way it was kind of fitting that I couldn’t forgive Lacey and he couldn’t forgive me.

I started toward the sidewalk and then looked up and stopped dead in my tracks.

Jackson’s car was parked illegally in front of the coffee shop, blocking the sidewalk. He was leaning against the car, his arms crossed in front, staring at me.

“Didn’t you talk to Ashley?” he called out. “She was supposed to talk to you.”

“Uh, I talked to her at school. She told me you were having lunch together.”

“Yeah. But what else?”

“Nothing. She took off for an exam. I haven’t seen her since.”

Unsure of where to look or even which direction to walk in, I took a tentative step forward.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he told me.

“Ashley? Um, yeah. I know.” I frowned.

He laughed. “No. Carrie. She’s not my girlfriend.” He pushed a hand off his car and brushed back his long hair. “I broke up with her before I even moved to Tadita. It’s been over for a long time.”

“But she said she was your girlfriend.”

“I know. She wouldn’t let go. Carrie’s got some issues. I told her we were breaking up before I went to rehab, but she hung on. Then Grams and I moved right away, and Carrie still had some of my stuff, and I still had some of hers. She was calling me a lot, and I felt sorry for her because of some of the stuff that had happened when I was doing drugs. She showed up unannounced the night you were at my place. Grams wanted me to take it easy on her. I had some amends to make. Sometimes I was a jerk. I was a different person then.

“She’s going to rehab, but she’s struggling and holding on to the past. I assured her we are over for good. I set her straight. Told her I was interested in someone else.” He stepped toward me. “I gave her back all her stuff, and she went home.”

“Oh.”

“You owe me an apology.”

“I said I was sorry,” I said in a soft voice.

“Yeah. About calling me a faker. What about calling me a druggie? I’m not dealing anymore. Just so you know. That pissed me off. I haven’t touched drugs since I left Whistler. I don’t do them, and I don’t deal them.”

I groaned. “It’s just that you got so many calls, and I heard you saying you had the stuff. It seemed so obvious…”

Jackson looked puzzled and then smacked his head with his hand. “Carrie. She was calling all the time using excuses like some CDs of hers I had and a couple of books. She used every excuse she could come up with to call. If I acted all mysterious and tried to cover it up, it was because I didn’t want you to think she was my girlfriend. I should have just told you the truth.”

I took a deep breath. More secrets that we should have told each other. “I’m sorry. For what I said…” I stopped, blushing.

Jackson grinned. “That I’m a stupid crush or a drug dealer? Or that I don’t deserve to be black?”

“I can’t believe I said any of that. Funny how I’m like everyone else, jumping to conclusions based on appearance.”

I started full-on babbling but stopped when I saw his smile.

He took a step toward me. I clung to his hoodie and fought a desire to flee him and run to safety.

“Let’s get one thing clear. You have never been just a friend to me.” He stepped closer. “You didn’t make a mistake when you kissed me. You surprised me, but I kissed you back with everything I had, and it was the best kiss of my life. It took all my friggin’ will to pull away. I only did because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself. I thought it wasn’t the right time for you.

“I’ve been waiting for it to be right. I didn’t want to be, you know, a way of getting by, of coping with the bad stuff. I wanted to stay friends a while longer because you really needed one, and then I planned to bust out my moves later.” He grinned, but his smile faded quickly. “But not telling you the truth about Carrie, not trusting you to understand was stupid, especially after you talked to me about Simon.”

“I should have asked you about the dealing, instead of assuming. I guess I have to learn to trust people too. And myself. Even Simon.”

“Simon?”

“I talked to him, and he did mess up that night like you said. He was embarrassed and guilty, and it was just a kiss, nothing more. I should have gone to him. Asked him about it.”

He took another step and we faced each other, almost nose to nose. He leaned down and spoke right to my face. I smelled coffee on his breath but it was delicious. “You’ve intrigued me since the first time I saw you hauling around that guitar of yours at school. I mean, obviously I’m into guitars. And girls with guitars are a given. Especially since you’re okay to look at and all.” He grinned and reached out and pushed back a curl from my cheek. My stomach swooped.

“I watched you distance yourself from everyone and wondered what made you that way. I mean, I could tell you were biracial like me and I heard about you living with your grandma, but there was more. From the first day I laid eyes on you, there were sparks.” He spread out his hand like each finger was a firecracker and fireworks were going off. “I couldn’t figure out how to get to know you better at school since you didn’t seem to talk to anyone, so I applied for a job at Grinds to meet you.”