If Not For You (39 page)

Gage situated behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder. “You alright, what did she say to you?”

“She gave me this, isn’t it pretty?” I said, side tracking his question, not wishing to share the private mystery of the lady in black and her message.

And as I sat later watching Gage struggling with the sail and laughing childlike without reserve, I understood what she meant. I had to tell him, tonight I would tell him.

***

“You’re awful quiet, sweetheart, you okay?” Gage asked, tucking a finger under my chin forcing me to look at him face on.

“I’m okay,” I said, as I saw the concern in his eyes I hesitated with the idea of telling him, but the memory of the woman in black gave me the courage I needed. I closed my fingers around the silver cross. “We have to talk.”

“Should I be worried?” Gage stood still and then pulled me into his arms, “promise me you won’t leave me…no matter what it is. Say we can work it out?”

“The decision I’m afraid will be yours and yours alone,” I said, with a long heavy sigh and forced us to walk on.

“Now I really am worried.”

I put my hand to his cheek and smiled in an attempt to make him feel less frightened, when I knew it was me that was scared shitless, “Let’s get all dressed up and go dancing, I want to forget for a while.”

Gage looked at me puzzled, “Forget what? I thought you wanted to talk?”

“I do…but I want to dance with you first. I want you to hold me in your arms and pretend that there’s no one else in the world but you and me…and then.” I closed my eyes to hold back the tears that would be inevitable, postponing my fears and pain for just a while longer.

Gage nodded his head in agreement. I could see the wavering reluctance he had. I almost knew what he had gone through when he negotiated with himself over sharing his secrets. “Okay, sweetheart, I’ll breakout the tux and we’ll get all dolled up…and I’ll hold you in my arms for all eternity if that’s what you want. I love you and I’d do anything for you. Anything.”

“Oh Gage, you’re going to make me cry.”

“If you do, I’ll be here to wipe your eyes.”

***

The dance floor was crowded, the music was loud and Gage held me so tight I swore my ribs would be bruised if not cracked when the music stopped. I could feel him physically trembling, he was so nervous and I for some bizarre reason felt unruffled. I should have been practicing a humble speech in my head and imagining Gage’s reaction, but I found myself totally lost in his arms.

I knew he was close to bursting, he put on a brave face for my sake but I could tell he was falling to pieces inside. It was time to put him out of his misery, my turn to brave up and put on the big girl panties.

“Walk with me,” I said, taking Gage by the hand, I watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall and his breathing quicken.

“Lead on Mc Duff,” he said, trying his hand at humor and I had to laugh. The look of fear on his face and pearls of sweat on his brow, you would have thought I was leading him to the gallows. It made my heart sad for him.

On the bow of the Promenade deck, we stood side by side staring out at the dark water, it looked like a pane of black glass, still and tranquil, unlike our hearts that beat with such fierceness you could practically hear them pounding. I could only think of the pathetically overdone scene from Titanic between Rose and Jack, only our arms weren’t outspread and Celine Dion wasn’t singing her eerie sad song.

Gage yanked me to face him, “Say something, say anything. I can’t take this silence a minute longer, this is killing me.” he said, with a quiet anxious fury.

“I’m sorry.” Since there were no seats to be had on the deserted deck, I turned my back to the rail and slid down to the floor wrapping my arms tight around my knees.

“Tandy,” Gage panicked and kneeled down beside me, “is it your head?”

“No…yes…no my head doesn’t hurt. Sit with me.” I took his hand in mine and held it to my chest closing my eyes.

“What is it?”

“I’m scared to say it…I’m scared to hear what you’ll say when I tell you,” I admitted, I hadn’t told a soul, besides doctors, the words had never crossed my lips and I had never said them out loud, not even to myself.

“Don’t be scared, I’m not going anywhere. I won’t walk away or leave you, anything you say to me could never be that bad,” he assured me.

I took a deep breath and tightened my grip on his hand and blinked away the waterworks that threatened to release until I looked him straight in the eye and burst into tears.

“Sweetheart, just say it, just get it out. I love you…we’ll deal with it together,” Gage encouraged.

“I’m sick.”

“I know.”

“When I get home I have to have surgery.” Gage didn’t say a word he just stared at me waiting for me to continue, “I have a brain tumor.”

He held his breath for a moment; the world went silent as he took it in, “A brain tumor, are you going to…?”

“Am I going to die? I don’t know,” I said, suddenly more composed than I thought I would be.

“I don’t know what to say, I mean I don’t know what to ask.” He looked horrified, tears streamed down his cheeks and he shuddered as he held my knuckles to his lips and kissed them.

“You don’t need to say a thing,” I said. He looked at my head like it was going to split open and reveal itself, like a spotlight would appear and show him, “It’s operable, which is a good thing. It’s just that where its sitting isn’t a good thing.”

I continued while he clearly struggled, “there’s a thirty percent chance that when they remove it, I’ll come out of it good as new. Apparently those are really good odds,” I smiled, trying to add a titter of laughter but it came out more like a distressed whimper.

Gage asked reluctantly, “What about the other seventy percent?” he asked, wiping away my tears with the tail end of his shirt.

“Well…if I’m lucky I’ll fall into the thirty percent, if not, I could lose my sight, it could affect my speech, my motor skills, I could go blind, um…I could lose my memory. And the worst case scenario, I’ll die.”

I could tell Gage was having trouble grasping the concept, he wasn’t speaking, he was as white as a sheet, he had that deer in the headlights look and if I didn’t know better I’d tighten my grip on him in case he tried to jump overboard.

He was fighting back more tears and sniffed several times, “I’ll love you till the end of time Tandy, I promise you. We’ll get through this together. I’ll be there every step of the way.”

“I love you too, but you need to think this through. Are you sure you want to deal with this much shit? At the end of the cruise you can just walk away. Hell you can walk away now. Aren’t you scared of what might happen if you get too close?”

“There is no
too close
with you. If anything I can’t get close enough. If I could crawl inside your skin to get closer I would. I’m worried for you and what
you
have to go through but I’m not scared. I love you,” he ran his thumb lovingly across my cheek, “the only part of all that you told me, that truly scares the shit out of me? Is that you might…”

“I might what?” I asked at his hesitancy.

He drew in a deep breath, “Forget me.”

“I’ll never forget you. My heart will never forget you, even if my brain does.”

“Promise you’ll always remember me and that I’m yours and you’re mine?” Gage pleaded, pulling me onto his lap.

“I Promise.”

***

Gage made sweet passionate love to me well into the early morning hours, so gentle and adoring. He brought me to orgasm so many times it was like riding an out of control rollercoaster for hours on end. It was as beautiful as it had been our first time but I felt like he was holding back. The rough, controlling Gage was on hiatus and I was happy to give him that, I was also not going to let him treat me like a china doll for much longer.

He was sound asleep when I slipped under the covers, that was until I circled my tongue around the head of his cock and he let out a guttural moan as his manhood sprang to life, becoming harder with each stroke of my hand and lick of my tongue.

Burying his hands in my hair, he tilted his hips trying to gain entry past my lips. “Good fucking morning to you!” he growled his pleasure. I narrowed my eyes and pulled just out of reach, so he was well aware that I was annoyed with him.

“It can be and it will be. That is if you stop treating me like I’m going to shatter if you squeeze too tight. I’m not breakable Gage.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, baby, I want to cherish you,” he admitted, propping up on his elbow looking down at me and weaving a wisp of hair around his finger.

“Yeah, I know and I love that you do, but I also love it when you fuck me hard and don’t hold anything back. You’re holding back on me.” Smiling, I licked the bead of his essence from the tip of his cock.

He bit into his lower lip and crossed his finger over his heart. “I promise I won’t hold back…if you suck me off like you mean it?” he joked, fisting my hair with a gentle tug.

I licked my tongue up his length. “Better?” I asked.

His head fell back and his mouth sat open as I took him as far as I could manage and sucked for all I was worth and he called out my name over and over.

Nothing was as erotic as Gage crying out my name, except when he followed it with that filthy mouth of his. “Oh fucking hell, Tandy… that’s it…let me fuck that sweet mouth,”

Yep that filthy mouth
.

After a short time he pulled back his hips and gave me that release that tug and I contemplated the idea of going for it, letting him get off in my mouth, tasting all of him. But when his eyes opened and he scowled, I pulled away with a popping sound and his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

“Fuck, I thought you were…”

“I was thinking about it but I just couldn’t, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever be sorry. You’ll do it if and when you’re ready, besides I want to be deep inside you when I cum.”

Gage had me up at the headboard and pinned to the mattress before I knew what end was up and I giggled with excitement. His tongue traced my jawline, moved down my neck and across my collarbone and then to my ear. “Stay right there,” he whispered, and jumped from the bed.

“Remember this?” he asked, holding up the tiny black bag that he bought a while back, with a cheeky look.

“I remember. What is it?”

He reached in and pulled out a black satiny rope and smiled, “I don’t know about that…” he shushed me and then pulled out a matching blind fold and I raised my brows with a smile.

“Tell me you don’t want to play, but know this…there’s one more surprise in the bag.”

“Oh?”

“Not without the blindfold and your hands tied. Trust me?”

“Okay,” I said, without hesitation and was blessed with that dimpled smile and a lick across my lips before he wrapped the rope around both my wrists and then tied it to the headboard.

He leaned over me and licked across my lips again and smiled. I was plunged into darkness when he slipped the blindfold over my eyes, “You still trust me?”

“With my life.”

“You’re gonna like this, sweetheart” I heard the bag rustle and a low seductive chuckle, the bed dipped and Gage spread my legs. I could feel his breath between my thighs and then is lips kissed against my moist lips, I jumped at the touch. His tongue darted inside and circled around my open swollen lips and then I heard a click and a soft quiet hum.

“What’s that?”

“Relax.” He used his thumb and index finger to expose my clit and gave it a kiss, then placed the humming item against it sending shockwaves pulsing as it vibrated gently and the sensation had me breathless.

“Oh…fuck!!!” I roared, as his tongue lapped my swollen lips, I so desperately wanted to bury my hands in his hair and hold his face tight to me, but being tied made that impossible as every muscle tightened for the mother of all orgasms. It came fast and furious but went on and on and on.

And when he lifted the vibrating device from my clit, he exhaled noisily as he forced his cock into me, I cried out and begged him to untie me, “It’s too soon baby, I’m not finished with you.”

“I want to touch you,” I said.

“Not until I’m done touching you,” he said, as he leisurely slid in and out and I heard the recognizable hum again, he started drawing circles around my clit and my thighs tightened and convulsed against his rocking hips.

“You like that, sweetheart?”

“Mind-blowing,” I said, gasping for air and grinding to meet each of his accelerating thrusts. I already found it near impossible to speak during sex and now I was having trouble breathing and was losing all control over my mind. Another wave of sparks ignited and I felt a hot flood of liquid rage and the sheet soak beneath me.

“Oh yeah, that’s it. Squeeze my cock tight, baby…I’m gonna cum!” Gage roared, releasing his seed deeper with each thrust until he was drained and collapsed beside me.

It took time to recover and regain a proper pattern of speech or at least it did for me. As I lay there in total darkness I had to wonder if my sex god had fallen asleep and left me quite literally hanging.

“Uh, Gage? Would you like to help me out here?” I laughed.

Gage laughed and slipped the blind fold off and went about the task of untying me, “What the hell did you do to me?”

“I made you squirt baby, you like it?” he asked, with pride, puffing out his chest like the star player that scored the winning goal. He was ridiculously cute.

“Not at all,” I laughed sarcastically and stared at the purple toy he handed me, no bigger than my finger but so powerful.

Day 18

Athens, Greece

After trailing through the Museums and ruins galore and doing our fair share of souvenir shopping, making sure to add to the Greek economy, we made our way up to the Acropolis just to say we did. My feet were killing me even after choosing the best walking shoes I had, I was tired and hungry as was Gage.