If Only (28 page)

“He doesn’t even know I’m
here. I’ve only spoken to Saff so far. Don’t let your emotions get in the way
of you seeing clearly. Give yourself time and some space and take it from
there.”

We sit silently, and I try
to determine how I could possibly handle this better. I’m not sure why, but
this has been the easiest talk I’ve had all day. “Why are you always so nice to
me?” I ask the lovely, patient man sitting beside me.

“You’re good people.” He
laughs. “You know, when you arrived at Joe’s party that night, I fully intended
on hittin’ on you.”

“What?” I grin for the first
time since yesterday afternoon. I never knew that. And I do recall the
‘activities’ I witnessed that night.

“You were irresistible in
your short skirt, with your pretty smile and your trays of baby cakes. First of
all, I decided you were too sweet and innocent, and I should leave you alone.
Then I saw the way you looked at Joe, especially when he spoke to you. It was
like some kind of awe.” He sighs heavy, frustrated. “I really wish I’d said
something to him. You already had a boyfriend, and I knew Joe wouldn’t want
that type of situation on his hands, but if I’d known he liked you I would’ve
told him, regardless.” He shakes his head in disappointment. “Anyway, it’s been
innocent on my part ever since that first night. I like your energy, you have a
good spirit. You’re like my adopted sister.”

I beam, hugging him. “Thank
you. I love you like a brother, so I appreciate you adopting me.” 

He chuckles and then becomes
serious again. “What are your thoughts now?”

“I’ll give it time. I’m gonna
go stay with my aunt and uncle for a while, I can’t be so close to Joe and feel
like I’m getting the space I need. He could do without taking on my emotions,
along with everything else, for sure. I think it’s best for both of us if I’m
not here.”

“Tell me you’re not talking
aunt and uncle in Ireland.”

I laugh, but not because
it’s funny. “It hadn’t even crossed my mind to go there.” As much as I need to
be away from Joe, I could never be that far from him.
“The
ones in Arizona.
We’ve always been close, I’ll be happiest
there.”        

“Promise me this is
temporary.”

“It’s temporary, Dane. I
can’t say how long for, but it won’t be forever, I promise. I will have to not
have contact with anyone, though. If I talk to you guys all I’ll think about is
Joe and the baby and that won’t help. I have to be completely out of it, but I
don’t want you or Saff to be offended, I adore you both. I don’t want anyone to
take it personally for that matter.”

He stares at me,
contemplating. “Okay, if you think it will help. I don’t like it and I have
conditions. If you don’t meet them, I’ll follow your ass there and bring you
back myself.”

This makes me giggle again,
and it feels good to do so. “Okay, what are your conditions?”

“First of all,” he says,
holding up his forefinger, “take the time you need, but get in touch at some
point,
sooner rather than later
. Secondly,” he holds up another finger,
“and most importantly, do not – I repeat – do not rule out the chance for you and
Joe. Things are a little fucked up right now, but the fact still remains you
love each other. Don’t let anything get in the way of that. We don’t get
forever, right? You two have already missed out on a lot of time.”

“I promise, promise,
promise, I’ll get in touch as soon as I’m ready and I will not rule out the
chance of a future for us. Honestly, Dane, I still love Joe and I want him. I
just can’t take the situation as it is at the moment. He’ll be going to
hospital appointments and ... I can’t do it, Dane. I’ve got to be away from it
all and when I’m ready I’ll make contact.
Everyone
I love is here, I
will be back.”

I know he isn’t happy with
my decision, the others won’t be either, but this is for the best.

It’s got to be.

I’ve spent most of the night talking to Adam, and even
Gerard for a while, but I’m no further forward. A woman I had a few nights with
is having my baby, and the one that I love I’m losing.

This is the worst night of
my life.

Dane arrives at my door.
It’s unexpected; it’s three in the morning – the morning of what should’ve been
the day Callie married me. I’m not surprised when he tells me he’s just come
from her place. I’m grateful more than anything, happy that she had someone
with her. Although, I’m not sure I want to hear what he has to say.

We sit down with some
coffee. I’m tired, but the last thing I want to do is sleep. Indolently, I ease
back in the couch. Folding my arms across my chest, I look at Dane, sitting
beside me. “How is she?” It’s a stupid question, but the most obvious one to
ask.

What I really want to know
is if I still have her.

“Not good. Emotional mostly,
but I think you know that without me telling you.” I nod. Of course I do. The
worse thing about this whole mess is that she’s hurting. “She can’t stand the
idea of you and someone else having a baby. I told her I think she can do it,
she just needs time. She’s stronger than she thinks, but she really doesn’t see
it, not right now, anyway.”

“Fuck!” I let my head fall
back against the leather. “I don’t even know if
I
can do it. I have no
choice, though, she does.”

“Man, this shit is seriously
fucked up. It’s definitely yours?”

“She said I’m the only one
since her relationship ended seven months ago. I believe her, but I will make
sure. I have to.”

He hesitates. That tells me
I won’t like what’s coming next. “Callie wanted me to tell you she’s gonna go
stay with her aunt and uncle in Arizona for now.”

“She’s
leaving
?”

“Yeah.
I don’t know that going away is the answer, but she
seems to think it is. She thinks it’ll be easier for both of you if she isn’t
here for the next four months or so. Maybe it will help if she can be away from
the situation for a while.”

“Fuck, I wasn’t expecting
that
.
She’s leaving the damn state.” It’s worse than I thought. Having her close by,
even if we weren’t together, I might’ve just been able to tolerate, but being
gone completely is something else.

My heart has officially just
been yanked out of my fucking chest.

“I don’t like to tell you
this.”

I can’t even bear to ask
“What?” How much worse can things possibly get?

“She said it will be a lot
easier if you don’t try to talk to her, or stop her leaving. She wants space to
think, she’ll come to you in her own time.”

I whack my head back against
the couch; a pointless move that won’t solve shit, but there’s something quite
appealing about knocking-myself-the-fuck-out right now.

“She’s dropping the gallery
and her photography commitments.”

“I didn’t expect this to be
easy, but to leave. Shit. There’s no way I’d have laid a finger on her if I
knew this was coming. My bullshit and she’s the one hurt, how fucked up is
that?”

“I know.” He places his hand
on my shoulder, squeezing it. “I tried to get her to stay or at least speak to
you, but once she got the Arizona idea in her head she wouldn’t budge. She gave
me this for you.” He passes me a folded piece of yellow paper. “You know where
I am.”

When Dane leaves, I sit
staring at the closed letter. I already know her choice, but seeing it written
is too final. I have another cup of coffee and cigarette.

Now I open
it.              

Joe,

I’m sorry for taking the chicken shit way out here,
but I can’t see you before I leave. If I do it’ll make it harder to go, but
staying? Right now that’s the hardest option. I can’t stay, everything around
me is you. It’ll be torture.

I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t see any other
way at this point in time. My heart hurts and too many emotions are going
through me. I’m really not in the best position to make any decisions.

The one thing I’m sure of is that I can’t watch
someone else have your child. I’m so sorry. Please understand and please give
me the space I need. Focus on your baby.  

God, I love you, Joe. So much more than you know. I
didn’t even get the chance to show you.

Do you remember that night, about four years ago, when
you and Adam came back to your condo, and Su and I were there with saffron, we
were watching
Blade Trinity?
You both
joined us. After
Blade
finished we put on
Saw.
Ten minutes into
it Saffron totally freaked out and refused to watch it. She went to bed, and,
of course, Adam went with her. About halfway through it, Su fell asleep on the
couch, and I was
shitting
myself watching that damn
movie - in the freaking dark. Something you found entertaining. Then you sat
with me, close, like my protector.

When I was huddled beside you, I so badly wanted you
to hold me. I wanted you to kiss me. There was one precise moment when I almost
kissed you, can you believe that? I was doing that silly girlie thing and
pressing my face against your shoulder and for one very brief, crazy moment, I
so nearly moved to kiss you. I was scared. I thought it was the most unlikely
thing in the world – you and me. I fought against it initially because of Nick,
but ultimately it was you that stopped me – the fear of not being able to have
you, of you not wanting me in the same way.

If I were to sit here long enough and allow myself to
think about it, I could list all the other times something similar happened.
Other times when I almost said or did something that would have given it away.

In my heart it always felt so right being with you,
but my head was another story. I chose to protect the heart that wanted you. I
regret all the times I decided not to take a chance with you. If only I had. I
was always yours, Joe.

Callie x 
 

I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read that letter.
I want the words to read differently. I want the mess we’re in to suddenly
clear up and be non-existent. Fuck, how did she and I end up here?

If the situation was
different, like fucking up in a way that wasn’t so permanent, I wouldn’t let
her go without trying to talk to her. I would fight for her. With things as
they are, I have no choice. I have to let her deal in her own way, even if I
can’t bear the thought of her leaving – it’s killing me already and she hasn’t
even gone yet.

I can only hope it will
help. 

Resting my head back against
the couch, I close my eyes.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t
tell her how I felt from the start. If only
I
had. We’ve missed out on a
whole lot of fucking years together.

I can remember every time I
came close to saying something. One of those times was at Saffron and Adam’s
wedding. Callie was more than stunning in her minty green, strapless bridesmaid
dress. She blew me away. Nick was competing at a motocross event, so he was
absent.

After the reception
finished, we were all pretty wasted, and Callie’s feet hurt from the high heels
she’d had on non-stop. I carried her from the wedding venue to our hotel. It
felt so good to hold her. I could smell her apple scented skin and her face was
just a few inches from mine the entire time. Her shiny lip-glossed lips kept
stealing my attention.

When we arrived at her room,
as soon as she was standing, she hugged me. She held me tighter and for longer
than usual. I just thought she was grateful for my help, and drunk. During that
lingering hold, it was on the tip of my tongue to tell her I wanted her. It was
the closest I ever came to it, but I stopped myself. It was also the closest I
ever came to kissing her, but, again, I stopped myself.

Saying nothing and walking
away was both emotional and physical agony. She’d only just gotten back with
Nick, and I’d just got together with Paige – who was waiting in my room for me.
The whole thing was too damn messy.

I can recall the fleeting
looks I received from Callie that day and night. I didn’t pick up on it, even
though she was looking at me every time I stole a glance at her.
Dumbass!

So many times, over the
years, I was tempted to say something. So many times I could’ve said something.
I realize now, there were so many times I
should
have said something.

Sitting in my car, outside my apartment building, I’m
tired. Not only have I hardly slept, but I’ve spent hours trying to convince my
dad I’ll be okay travelling alone. The last thing I want is to have to try and
fill the drive to Arizona with conversation. I just need to be alone and be
miserable by myself.

So now I’m sitting here and
I can’t turn the key in the ignition. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Not only am I leaving Joe, but I’m leaving my family – that includes Su.
Although it’s temporary, and I’ll be in regular contact with them, it still
hurts.