Ignite (Firefighters of Montana Book 3) (16 page)

Not with Lina’s ‘I love you’ still ringing in his head. Not with Jess’s happy smile so vivid in his mind.

Two women he’d done nothing but hurt. He could live with that, he could, because he thought they deserved so much better. Except…

Except Lina had said she loved him.

Except Lina had wanted him to fight, to face Jess, to explain. She’d thought there was a chance, if only he’d do what she asked.

Ace checked his equipment in the eerie tension of the plane, in tandem with all the other jumpers doing the same. Two more minutes and then they’d be to the jump site.

Two more minutes and then he could do what he’d been born to do. Jump. Fight.
Save
. The last word stuck in his chest.

But he’d rather jump into that swath of flame…

It struck him then, how messed up that was, that he’d rather free-fall into a wildfire that could kill him in seconds flat. Hell, he’d rather take a jump that could kill him with the wrong parachute move or wrong landing spot, than face the life he’d been running from? Than face the woman he loved?

It hit him in a way it never had before how damn stupid that was. Wasn’t that why their parents had once and for all given up their parental rights? Because they just hadn’t been able to
face
people who needed them. Because they hadn’t been able to deal with the responsibility, with the energy, and emotional investment required.

He wanted to be a better man than his father had been. He wanted to be a better man, period, and with the exception of hiding from Jess, he’d made himself into that.

But none of it mattered if he kept running. If he kept pretending. None of it mattered if he didn’t stand up and take responsibility for his actions, if he didn’t move forward and make things right.

His hand shook as he stood to get in his place in line, as he fastened his helmet on. He didn’t shake because he was scared exactly—not of the fire anyway. He knew exactly what he’d have to do once he jumped, but now he knew exactly what he needed to do after.

After he fought that bitch of a blaze back with everything he had, he had to go face the women he’d run away from. He had to face his mistakes. He had to believe, for the first time in his life, that his presence would be better than his absence.

Knowing he’d have to get in that headspace was a hell of a lot more intimidating than the jump he was seconds from making.

But he looked around the plane. The men strapped into their gear, men he knew, who knew him. Men who he’d bonded with and found a calling with. People and a profession that had given him the balls to stick in one place for once.

He didn’t want to run. Not from this. Not from Kalispell.

Not from Lina.

Not even from Jess.

For the first time in a decade, the fear—well, it didn’t disappear—but it faded behind something else. Something Lina had given him.

Trust. Backbone.

Love.

For the first time in his entire life, he jumped into the wildfire below, determined to make it out on the other side—not because of pride or self-preservation, but because he had people to see.

L
ina had probably
cried herself out. She hoped. She’d canceled her movie date with Cherrie and then…just cried. Cried and hated herself and berated herself—in her head and aloud.

At some point, some pieces of her old self seemed to stitch together and she stopped crying, stopped wallowing.

She’d made her choices, now she had to face her consequences. She could sit here and cry and blame, or she could find a way to earn Jess’s trust and affection again. She could give up, or she could pull herself together and find a way to fix it.

Or if not fix it, rebuild it. She couldn’t make what she’d done go away, but she could rebuild from that mistake. She would.

She tried to sleep, but mostly tossed and turned. No matter how exhausted she was from working all night, worry and guilt and the incessant need to
fix
kept her from getting anything more than a few patchy minutes stitched together.

Every time she checked her phone for updates on the fire, Ace was likely in the midst of even now, she couldn’t find much information at all.

Finally, she gave up and crawled out of bed. It was well past dinnertime, and she’d still yet to hear from Jess and Cole. She moved into the kitchen, then just stared at her surroundings.

What was she supposed to do? Her life had been loneliness for so long, she’d gotten used to it, accepted it. What had Ace done to her that now she had no clue what to do with all this crushing
aloneness
?

A knock sounded on her door and Lina scurried toward the sound, not sure who she wanted to see more. When Jess and Cole were on the other side, she was relieved, but it was a different kind of relief than if she’d been met with Ace’s blue gaze.

Please be safe. I don’t care about anything else, just let him be safe.

But she couldn’t do anything about that. She could do something about the people in front of her right here and now.

Jess stepped inside, smiling tightly, clasping her hands together in front of her. Cole, the quiet, steady presence behind her.

“You’re back.”

Jess’s fake, tense smile didn’t change. “Yeah, I…I’m…upset, obviously. But, you’re my…sister.” She blinked furiously. “You’ve always been like a sister, and I know… I just think we should sit down and talk about it all. How it happened. And then we’ll go from there.”

Lina nodded, emphatically, but she was afraid if she did any more than that, she’d cry all over again.

So, they moved over to the couch. It didn’t escape Lina’s notice that though Cole didn’t speak, he was a constant presence for Jess. Holding her hand, or placing a hand on her shoulder or back. He was always there, sturdy and comforting.

She could use some of that, but she was very aware of how little she deserved it. But maybe…maybe if she started giving in a way she really hadn’t—not for her whole life, even in these past two months—she’d find a way to be worthy of more.

So, she told Jess everything. From the beginning. The hospital room, her perfect day, the selfish thoughts that allowed her to pretend she didn’t know Ace was Dean.

*

“Love does funny
things to people,” Jess murmured eventually after Lina had told her entire story. Jess’s fingers intertwined with Cole’s and she blew out a breath. “How do we know when he’s okay?”

“He usually texts me when he gets back from a jump, but… I don’t know if he will now.”

Jess pressed her lips together and nodded. “Well, we’ll try to sleep and then… Tomorrow, I’m going to go find the little bastard.”

“He—” Lina clamped her mouth shut to keep from defending him. Why did she want to defend him even now? He’d walked away from her ‘I love you’. She should hate him.

But she couldn’t manage it, and she couldn’t…stop being afraid. Afraid he’d get hurt. Afraid he’d disappear fully. Afraid he’d never come to his senses and find some peace with Jess. Petrified he’d never realize or accept he loved her right back.

But for now, all there was to do was…wait.

*

Nearly forty-eight hours
later, one fire more contained than had been expected at the onset of the jump, Ace staggered back into base.

He was exhausted—physically, mentally—and, after he took a shower, all he wanted to do was flop face-first into one of the cots specifically kept at base for this purpose.

But he couldn’t. He had to push himself just that much farther. He’d had his epiphany at the absolute worst time, because both Jess and Lina had been left to think that was it. He’d run again, turned his back again.

So, no, he didn’t have time to sleep. Or second guess. He barely had time to shower the first layer of grime and sweat off of him.

No matter the nerves, the impulse to run, he’d jumped into the fire knowing he was a changed man. He’d come out of digging trenches and cutting down trees and fighting back the bitch of a fire even more certain
this
was his chance to change the course of his life.

Not when he’d run away from Jess. Not when he’d met Lina, but in the moment when he’d decided to be more, to be stronger, to believe he could be different than the stain he’d always been told he was.

Finally, and he knew it was wrapped up in watching Lina happily and easily build a life she’d decided she wanted, he’d realized no one got to determine who or what he was.

Except him.

So, he got dressed, even knowing he still looked and smelled like hell. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone. Not right now. He was just trying to start the process of making amends.

It wasn’t going to be a quick or easy process, which meant every second he wasted with sleep or making himself look presentable was just that—a waste.

So, he walked out of base and over to his truck, and prayed sheer nerves and grit would keep him awake.

He’d just, with the help of his crew, kicked a wildfire’s ass. He could handle the woman he’d hidden from for ten years. He could face Lina, love, life. Because the only thing stopping him was
him
.

He kept telling himself that, over and over in a kind of delirious, sleep-deprived, physically exhausted state. In the end, maybe that was what saved him. He didn’t have the energy to talk himself out of this course of action, he didn’t have the mental power to go through all the ways he didn’t deserve what he was walking in to ask for.

But no one got what they deserved—good or bad—they only ever got what they got, found what they found, and loved what they loved.

He was done being afraid of love. He’d spent so much of his life without it, why didn’t he deserve that chance? To have. To give.

When he parked at Lina’s apartment he didn’t let himself linger too much on barely remembering how he’d gotten here. One foot in front of the other, and then he could collapse. He walked across the parking lot, up the stairs, down the hall.

He stared at the door. Would Jess still be there? Hell, would Lina even answer? He closed his eyes, but that made the exhaustion hit even harder, so he forced himself to knock.

But it wasn’t Lina who opened the door. Of course it wasn’t, that would be too easy. Instead, he came face-to-face with the woman he’d been hiding from for years. So many years he’d run away from the memory of warm blue eyes and a deep and endless love he hadn’t known how to accept.

She didn’t move once she’d opened the door. She was completely frozen, but her eyes filled and as her hand fell off the knob it shook.

“Hi, Jess,” he managed, his voice little more than a croak from smoke inhalation and lack of sleep.

“You’re…” She reached out and touched his cheek. His sister whom he’d disappointed in every possible way. Standing there touching his cheek like he was something special, tears glittering in her eyes. “You’re filthy,” she said on some awed whisper.

“I’m…” He swallowed against the swell of emotion, against the instinct to run, but…Lina hadn’t run. She’d fought. She always seemed to stand so tall and certain. “Here.”

She made a choked sound, the tears slipping onto her cheeks, rolling down one after another. The hand on his cheek became an arm around his neck, and then another. Then she was holding onto him, tight enough it shortened his breath, while she quietly cried into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he managed through a tight throat that had nothing to do with smoke or exhaustion.

Her grip eased, but she didn’t let him go completely. Her hands gripped his arms instead, looking up at him plaintively. For so much of his life, he’d looked up at
her
. He’d hit that teenage growth spurt right before he left and, even then, looking down at her had felt…wrong. Strange.

She was the brave one. The strong one.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, because he’d never be able to say it enough. Even if their lives had each turned out
well
, he’d never be able to make up all the ways they hadn’t been able to do that together.

“Two is a start,” she said in a shaky voice, her tears still falling. “You have a lot more to give. Which means you have to stick around, you know.”