Ignite (21 page)

“Is that what you want to do?”

“No,” I say immediately. “He’s just so unhappy and I can’t stand it. I don’t want to break up with him, but what if it just keeps getting worse and it completely destroys us? As badly as I want to be with him, I just have this horrible feeling that I’m going to lose him completely if things stay like this.”

“Do you think you two could still be friends at this point?” she asks.

“When we got together, we made a deal,” I start with a weak nod. “If either of us feels like we need to walk away to save our friendship, we just have to say so. No questions, no hard feelings and we just go back to how it was before.”

Glancing over at my roommate when she stays quiet, I see her slowly beginning to nod, seemingly debating on whether she should say what she’s thinking. When curiosity gets the better of me, I can’t keep from asking.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she says, giving me a look of apology before she continues. “Do you think that still applies, Addie? You’ve been together for what, eight or nine months now?”

“Yeah, eight.”

“Do you really think you can go back to how things were this time a year ago?” she asks, watching my chest begin to shake as the weight of her words hit me. “I don’t want to make you feel worse. I know this has to be a really hard decision for you and I promise I’ll be here for you no matter what. I’ve just seen the two of you together, Addie. If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I could just be friends with someone I felt that way about.”

“I know, but if it comes to having his friendship or nothing at all, I have to try.”

“This is going to break your heart,” she says. “You know that, right?”

“It’s going to destroy me,” I admit, fresh tears falling. “But I love him too much to make him unhappy. If breaking my own heart is what it takes to save whatever piece of us is left, to know he’ll be happy again, I have to do it, Brittany.”

February 23, 2013

Addie

Glancing down at the paper in my hand, I can’t move, think… I’m not even sure I’m breathing. When I applied for the veterinary medicine program at A&M, I honestly didn’t think I’d hear anything back.

My grades are above average and I’ve busted my ass to get them there. The program there is so sought after, though, I refused let myself get my hopes up. I’d applied so long ago, when Zeke and I were still together in fact, that I’d all but given up on any chance of getting in. As I look down at the maroon logo that still manages to make my heart clench, my hands are shaking.

The mere thought of him causes my heart to drop as I trace the edge of the envelope. Immediately, the memory of that day comes crashing back to me, making my eyes sting with the threat of tears.

“Hey babe,” he sighed into the phone, his deep, exhausted voice making my heart skip a beat, same as always.

“Hey,” I managed, my voice low. “How was work?”

“Busy as shit,” he said. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I started, hating the lie enough to pull it back immediately. “Well, no, not really.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Zeke,” I whispered, my voice breaking immediately.

It had taken me nearly a month to get the nerve to have this talk with him and I still didn’t know how I was going to do it. I’d convinced myself to wait things out a little longer, but when he cancelled again the night before, prompting our worst argument yet, I knew what I’d have to do.

“What?” he sighed, his voice already filled with apprehension.

“I can’t…” I managed, no longer able to hold in my tears.

“Baby, what’s the matter?” he asked, his voice softer.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed into the phone. “Zeke, I’m so sorry, but I think we need to call it off.”

“What?” he asked, his voice immediately more alert. “Call what off? Addie, what are you talking about?”

“This… Us…”

“Addie, no,” he said, cutting me off. “Baby, I know shit’s been hard, but we’re gonna get through this.”

“I can’t, Zeke,” I cried.

“Baby, please,” he started, the plea in his voice breaking my heart. “Please don’t do this. I said I was sorry about last night, Addie. I’m doing the best I can, babe.”

“I know,” I admitted, wiping my tears. “It’s not about that.”

“Then what is it?” he asked, waiting a moment through my silence before speaking again. “Addie, please talk to me, baby. Please tell me.”

“Zeke, you promised,” I begged. “You swore we wouldn’t have to do this part.”

“Addie…”

“No questions asked, no hard feelings,” I managed, my voice barely above a whisper. “You promised no matter what, we’d be okay, remember?”

“Baby, please don’t do this,” he pleaded. “Please don’t end us…”

“You have to keep your promise, Zeke,” I whispered, laying the final shred of my soul out for him. “I can’t lose you completely.”

“You don’t have to lose me at all, Addie,” he argued. “If you just stop this, baby…”

“You have to swear we’ll be okay, Zeke,” I cut him off, sobbing as the last of my resolve breaks.

“I swear,” he said, clearing his throat in a failed attempt to hide the pain in his voice. “I’m still not letting you go, Addie.”

His words were my breaking point and before I changed my mind, I knew I’d have to end the call.

“I have to go,” I managed.

“Addie, wait!”

“I love you, Zeke.”

“Hey,” Brittany smiles, her voice pulling me from the painful memory that still hasn’t stopped tormenting my soul.

“Hey,” I say, turning away quickly to swipe my cheek clean before facing her with a smile of my own.

“You okay?” she asks, studying my face as she pushes the door shut behind her.

I never would have survived if it wasn’t for her. For months after that phone call, I barely existed. I still haven’t bounced back. If I’m being honest, there’s a big part of my soul that knows I never will, but eventually, I got out of bed. I immersed myself in school, work, anything to keep my mind occupied. Even after our calls became fewer and farther between by the end of the summer, I never stopped thinking of him. Even now, having gone so long without seeing him, talking to him for more than a random text, my mind never strays far from Zeke.

“Yeah,” I nod, clearing my throat. “I got a letter from the admissions department at A&M.”

“Are you transferring?” she asks, surprise filling her voice.

“Maybe,” I admit. “I applied for the vet program over there forever ago, but I never heard anything back, so I just assumed I didn’t get it.”

“Well, what does it say?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug, facing her. “I’m scared to open it.”

“You want me to open it?” she asks, smirking when I nod before pulling it from my still trembling hands. “Sweet! Gimme!”

Pacing nervously as she swipes her finger along the seam, she pulls the paper from the envelope and reads silently, her expression giving nothing away. Although I’d made myself forget the application as soon as I sent it off, I couldn’t deny how badly I wanted a spot there. Not only would this give me more opportunities when I graduated, I’d be closer to him and maybe…

Shaking the thought immediately, I focus back on my friend. Unable to stand her silence, I sit on the edge of my bed before shifting uncomfortably and then standing again almost immediately. Arching her eyebrow, she reveals nothing as she takes in my incessant movement.

“Oh my God!” I shout, finally out of patience.

“I’m sorry, Addie,” she says, her soft voice making my heart fall for a moment before she continues. “I know how much you love me, but it looks like you’re gonna need a new roommate.”

“What?” I ask, my eyes darting back to her face to see her smiling wide.

“You got in!”

March 10, 2013

Zeke

“I know, Mom. I wish I could stay longer, too, but I have class tomorrow,” I yawn as I pull her in for a hug. “I’ll try to get back soon though.”

“I know you will, honey,” she says, smiling up at me. “Call me when you get there, alright?”

“Yes ma’am,” I promise as we walk down the driveway toward my car.

“Did you get all your laundry?”

“Yes,” I answer, smirking at her. I’m about to give her a rundown of everything I packed when a familiar voice cuts me off.

“Hey kid!” Mr. Greyson calls as he walks across the patch of lawn separating our houses. “Didn’t know you were comin’ home this weekend. How are ya?”

“Good,” I lie as I return his handshake. “It was last minute. How’ve you been?”

“Oh, I can’t complain. I’ve been keepin’ busy,” he shrugs. “You on Spring Break this week?”

“Today’s the last day for us,” I start. “I go back tomorrow.”

“Addison’s finishing hers up today, too,” he says, the sound of her name causing my chest to clench. “Course she didn’t come home for a visit. She stays busy with all her stuff there, but I’m workin’ on a pretty good guilt trip to get her down for Easter,” he chuckles.

“How’s she doin’?” I ask, not quite managing to cover the break in my voice.

“About the same as you, I imagine,” he sighs. “Stubborn as ever.”

“Yeah,” I nod, clearing my throat.

“Well, I’ll let you get to it, but it was nice to see ya, kid,” he says before patting my arm and pulling me in for a hug. “Try and get out here for Easter. I think you kids have spent enough time apart.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, giving him a forced smile as he leaves us to say our own goodbyes.

The whole way back to campus, my mind stays locked on Addie. Unfortunately for my heart, that’s nothing new.

March 29, 2013

Addie

“So you’re telling me you’re not coming,” he says, not bothering to conceal his irritation.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I start. “I know I said I would, but they’re low on help at the shelter and everyone else is already heading home.”

I hate lying to my dad. I really do, but ever since he told me a week ago that Zeke was planning on trying to make it home for Easter, I knew I couldn’t handle going.

I knew facing him again was inevitable. Even if I never saw him at home, which I would eventually, I’d be moving to A&M very soon. More than that though, regardless of everything that we’d been through, he’s still my best friend. The lack of contact, most of which was due to my own cowardice, wouldn’t last forever.

I not only know that, I depend on it.

As hard as it would be to see him now, I’d never want a life that didn’t include him at all. That’s the whole reason I’m in the mess I’m in now with him.

I knew I’d have to face him, but I need more time. Judging from the ache in my chest that never leaves, two years isn’t enough.

“You know, I’m gonna die someday, Addison,” my dad’s dramatic voice breaks through.

“Daddy!” I groan. “Stop it!”

“I can’t,” he says, unaffected by my objection. “I’m old as shit. It’s gonna happen, kitten. I’d like to see my only daughter before that happens.”

“I’m gonna visit!”

“What time will you be here?”

“I can’t today, Daddy,” I say, waiting for his sigh to stop before I continue. “Soon. I’ll visit soon.”

“I’m gonna need a date.”

Oh my God.

June 13, 2013

Zeke

I’m pulling up to my apartment after the first of many ridiculous summer shifts and I let out a long, low groan of exhaustion. I hated the long drive back every night, but anything beats trying to sleep in that dorm room.

The first few months after Addie and I broke up, I couldn’t even walk in there without wanting to break down. After nearly a year of mental assault, I finally relented and moved into an apartment off-campus with Josh.

As I step out of my car, I glance over to see him pulling up. It wasn’t uncommon for us to get off around the same time, so I’m not surprised.

“Hey man,” I say, nodding slightly as he walks over to me.

“How’s it goin’?” he asks, looking as tired as I feel.

“Alright,” I answer as my phone sounds off in my pocket.

When I check the screen, almost immediately blow off the text, dropping it back into my pocket.

“What’s up?” he asks, gesturing to my phone when he sees me shaking my head.

“Nothin’. It’s that girl from the bar again,” I sigh, watching him smirk. “It’s not funny, man. She’s been blowin’ my phone up all day. It’s getting on my fuckin’ nerves.”

“Stop being a dick and call the girl back.”

“Nah,” I shake my head. “She knew I wasn’t gonna call her back when she came over here. I told her before anything happened I wasn’t interested in any of that shit.”