I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (21 page)

Being branded a sheep

I have always wanted a tattoo. The problem is that I have always considered people who get tattoos as sheep. Especially those that go in and order number fourteen off the wall of a dolphin for example. I decided that if I was going to be a sheep and get a tattoo, there was only one choice of tattoo to be permanently branded with.

There is nothing xmasy about Santa driving a moon buggy

I like Kevin. He is a good account rep, has enough grandchildren to start his own small army, has only seriously lost his temper once when someone used his coffee mug featuring the words 'I'd rather be fishing' and uses words like 'space-age' instead of 'modern'.

Kevin once told me, "it's a good idea to carry around a piece of string in your pocket in case your shoelace breaks." When I asked, "why not just carry around a shoelace?" he reponded "because that would be stupid."

Kevin likes it when I tell him he looks like the guy who played Rain Man and always replies, "it's Dustin Hoffman and no I don't, idiot."

Kevin also pretends that he doesn't like moon buggies, which can't be true because everybody loves moon buggies. I could probably think of six hundred reasons why it would be good to own a moon buggy, but the three main things that impressed me most about them as a child were:

1. Solid rubber tyres  2. Walkie talkie  3. A stick not a wheel

If I lived on the moon, instead of scientists spending billions of dollars sending robots to take photos and collect rocks, they could ring me and say, "Hello David, would you mind having a look at a rock for us and maybe snap off a few photos?" and I would reply, "Not a problem, I will take the moon buggy out now. Do you want me to email you jpegs?" and they would probably respond, "Yes, jpegs are fine."

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 9.04am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Card

Dave,

Mike says we need to design a company Christmas card to send out to clients within the next week or two at the latest. Last year we had the company logo with the Santa hat on it blowing back to show speed so it has to be something different that is still space-age and fast. Mike was thinking we could wrap tree lights around the name but make a blur like they're moving. The inside just needs to say Happy Holidays and a prosperous new year or something like that. Any thoughts?

Kevin

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 9.14am

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Card

Dear Kevin,

Wrapping Christmas lights around the company name is indeed an inspired, original and creative solution. This is why Mike gets the big bucks while I have to be content with stealing change from your desk drawer when you are downstairs.

Clients will no doubt receive the card, do a double take and thrust it at colleagues exclaiming "OMG! This Christmas card we just received from Mike is fantastic. It has lights wrapped around the company name. Why didn't we think of this? It's both space-age and fast. Team meeting now! Somebody's gonna be fired."

We could probably also add Santa waving from behind one of the letters and dot the 'i' with a snowflake to ensure the festive message is not lost.

David.

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 9.23am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Card

You'd better not be the one taking all my change. I use it for parking meters. Does your creative input end at sarcasm or do you have a better idea for the company Christmas card?

Kevin

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 9.27am

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Card

Moon buggies are space-age and fast.

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 9.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

Why would we have  a moon buggy on our Christmas card?

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 9.51am

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

Everybody loves moon buggies. They have solid rubber wheels, a walkie talkie and a stick instead of a steering wheel. If I lived on the moon, I would drive a moon buggy every day. I would make ramps to jump off. Bright yellow ones that contrast against the monotone landscape to avoid accidentally driving up on an angle and flipping the vehicle.

When I was quite young, there was a television program called

The Banana Splits which featured a dog, gorilla, lion and elephant, driving around in little ATV buggies with three wheels on each side.

I wanted one of those buggies so much. Employing a strategy that could be likened to Ralphie’s quest to obtain an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle in that story about Christmas, I forget the name of the movie, I drew pictures of buggies, talked incessantly about them and, for six months leading up to Christmas morning, made daily statements such as "If anyone became trapped in quick sand and I had a buggy, I would be able to pull them out." I also wrote a school report titled, 'Why everyone needs a buggy' comprising of a three page list (starting with 1. Buggies have solid rubber tyres that can't pop) and several drawings of myself driving a buggy.

When Christmas day arrived, there was a large wrapped box (the same size as our new washing machine) with my name on it besides the Christmas tree. Realising that all my hopes, dreams and obsessive hinting had delivered to me the one thing I craved more than anything on the entire planet, I ripped it open with a strength you usually only hear about in those stories where the mother lifts a tree off her baby, to find a smaller box. Inside the smaller box was a smaller box and inside that was an Action Man.

My parents and sister seemed to find this hilarious but it wasn't even the good Action Man with the raft, it was the Action Man with a beard.

To express my dissatisfaction, I placed the Action Man behind the rear tyre of our car, envisioning it being crushed would somehow result in me getting a buggy. As we reversed out of the driveway on our way to visit relatives, there was a loud 'pop' and my father got out to discover Action Man's left leg imbedded in the tyre.

The company Christmas card could feature Mike dressed as Santa driving a moon buggy, with his big red sack of disappointment in the back, at excessive speed without concern for the sharp and hazardous terrain. This would represent not only his 'unpoppable' dedication to client delivery, but also the lack of any atmosphere in his office.