Illuminate (47 page)

“I think I might. But it seems too unbelievable.”

“It’s true, Haven.” He leaned in, watching my eyes, in the hazy light. “You are still learning, but you are an angel, in every sense of the word.” He was quiet for a moment. When spoken out loud, those words had such certainty to them. In my head, they made no sense at all, but to have this said to me now, I could accept it. I could take it in as the truth, as the missing piece that would unite all the disparate bits of my life that hadn’t made sense. “That’s what those markings mean on your back. And then the one above your heart too.”

“How do you know about those?” I knew that one had been visible in that photo of me, but I thought the ones on my back had been covered the whole time I’d been here.

“I know, because I had them too.” It would’ve been enough to just hear that we shared this, but his use of past tense struck me and he must’ve read it on my face. “A few years ago, I was just like you. I was marked for good, and I could have gone that way but I wasn’t strong enough. Aurelia got me. So here I am. When you make the choices I’ve made, those markings go away. Everything that’s the least bit imperfect on the outside goes away, but inside, you just rot, you begin to resemble those photos. Aurelia had the markings too, you know.”

“She told me that.” So it had been true.

“That’s why we rose through the ranks. When you have those you are marked for power, to lead. You’re far beyond the level of the Outfit. But
you
determine whether you become angel or devil. The Prince got to Aurelia years and years ago. And then she came for me. Two years ago, I was graduating high school in Des Moines,” he said, clearly amazed at all that had gone on since that time.

“So what happened?”

“I just fell into this. I was kind of a prodigy, I guess. I graduated early and by the time I did, I was already taking a bunch of classes at the university. With AP credits and stuff, I entered college with the status of a midyear junior.”

“Whoa.”

“It’s not as great as it sounds. In high school people didn’t really get me. I kept to myself. In college it was already starting out to be the same. Just me in the library. Speaking of the library, most of those books in the one here are mine.” My eyes bulged at this; he kept going. “So, Aurelia showed up and—” He stopped. “You sure you want to hear this?”

“Yeah, I think it’s good for me to hear.” I needed the whole story, no matter how much I would hate hearing it.

“So she, of course, was assigned to target me. I met her at a party, one of the very few I attended. I had been there twenty minutes, talking to no one and—”

“How does that happen?” I had to interrupt; he had lost me. “How does someone like you walk into a party and not have anyone to talk to?”

“That’s the whole thing. It wasn’t this version of me. It was me without the fancy clothes and the confidence and the reputation. All of that stripped away.”

“Go on.” It was still a stretch to imagine, but I tried.

“So, she went after me, and that was certainly something new for me, and I got swept up. She seemed to have this inside track on how I could be this awesome and powerful person and build this whole scene here. There was just, you know, this little catch. But by that time, it was too late—I had already tasted enough of this exciting new life to get addicted to the power and the instant gratification of it all. I had felt invisible before. If you go the dark way as Aurelia and I did, you quickly fade away from your former life. You get a new name, a new identity.”

“But don’t people wonder where you are? Don’t they try to find you?”

“The groundwork is set long before the induction happens, the gradual pulling away from family. When possible, they prefer to recruit those who might be going off to college or are already on their own. The ultimate goal is to get the city’s richest and most powerful sucked in, but for now, they’re just building numbers any way they can. Often, those remaining behind are led to believe that their loved ones died. But the ‘inductees’ never know any of that—by then they’re too wrapped up in their new lives.”

“So they’re brainwashed.”

“I suppose.”

“Like in a cult.”

“More or less. That’s how it is for the masses—and over time they just disappear into this new life and are never found. For those of us who are marked—Aurelia, me, Etan—we’re stronger and we aren’t, of course, brainwashed; we don’t turn into drones. We remember where we came from, but for the most part, we didn’t necessarily have much that we were leaving behind.”

“But that man, Neil, found Aurelia?”

“He spent decades looking. We still don’t know how he tracked her down.”

“Decades?”

“They were together when they were sixteen, seventeen, around there. Some small town, middle of nowhere out west. Aurelia should be in her late forties now,” he explained. I permitted myself a tiny smile that he noticed. “What?”

“Well, I mean, so she’s like a cougar going after you, sort of.”

He grinned back at me. “I suppose you’re right; never thought of it that way.”

For a few silent seconds, I ran through everything he had told me, turning it over and over but still drowning in it. “So what am I supposed to do? Isn’t it kind of impossible for me, just me, to just—” I couldn’t quite say “kill them all” but he knew.

“You know, you’re stronger than any of them, and stronger than we were. And I can tell you the night we knew: it was the opening, when the lights went out.”

“What do you mean?”

“That moment was a clash of good and evil. That was when your powers first began to take shape and that was like an involuntary warning sign going out. Whenever someone like you comes up against someone like us, there can be cataclysmic effects.”

“Well, that’s good to know. Why are you telling me all of this, really?” I had to ask again. I had begun our night like this and now I imagined the sun was coming up. We were both lounging, reclining on the floor—which I was too bone-tired to find uncomfortable at this point—as though lying on the grass under a starry sky. It shouldn’t have seemed so peaceful here, but it did. It felt oddly, refreshingly safe. Lucian had long since shed his tie, unbuttoned his shirt, and rolled up his sleeves. My eyes had grown weary and I propped my head up on my arm.

“I want you to win,” he said as he had before. Then he added, with finality, “It’s too late to save myself.”

This time though, I wasn’t letting him off so easily. “Maybe it’s not. Why can’t you just break free or something?” I grabbed his hand, pushing up his sleeve. “You don’t have one of those cuffs. It’s not like Calliope. You could go.”

“It’s much more complicated. I don’t have a cuff because I’m bound by more than that. For now, all I can do is help you.”

“But what will happen to you?”

He breathed a long sigh. “When the time comes, you’ll have to banish me, Haven. There’s a chance I’ll come back here at some point, but I don’t want this kind of life anymore.”

“There must be a way to run away, reject it all, to repent.”

“It would require me fighting against them both, Aurelia and the Prince, and who knows how many others. I don’t think I can survive it. When you’re of the ruling class like me and you try to get out, it’s a whole other level of battle. I don’t think I could do it right now.”

“I’ll help you. You can. We can get you out.”

“That’s what I love about you,” he said sweetly, sincerely, but in a flat tone to end this debate. “You think any of this is possible. You can’t worry about me. Save yourself. That’s what’s most important. I just wish I’d met you before I was so . . . so chained to all of this.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what else I could say. We were silent for quite some time. I lay on my back, staring up at the crumbling brick ceiling, sorting through all of what he had told me, letting it settle. Finally he spoke again: “Do you think you could ever truly forgive me? Could you ever look at me again the way you did before you knew all of what I’ve done? All the souls I’ve condemned to the underworld?”

“Each of us has heaven and hell in him—I read that once.”

“Maybe. But your proportion is probably ninety-nine percent heaven and one percent hell. And I’m likely more the opposite.” He smiled, shaking his head. And I had to smile too. He looked at his watch and pulled himself up, dusting himself off. “Wow, I guess I should go.”

“Me too,” I said, even though I could have been content to stay there indefinitely, letting time slip away. It felt as if we had been talking about other people all night, not the horrors I would now be left to face. I rose to my feet, shaking out his rumpled suit jacket, which I would have secretly liked to keep as a memento of our night. But instead I handed it back with a thank-you.

“Are you okay climbing back on your own? I’m going to head to the Vault I think . . .” He trailed off and made no motion to leave. I just nodded. He turned to go but then spun back to face me again, his hand holding my arm for a moment. “You have to make it through this so that you can undo the damage I’ve done.”

“I will.”

“I know you will.”

His eyes searched mine once more and then he planted a kiss on my forehead, letting his lips linger there. He combed one hand through my hair and then let me go.

He walked down the hall toward the Vault, so slowly, as though he didn’t want to ever arrive where he was going. I watched, unable to completely turn away until he was swallowed up in that winding path to the club. I could still feel the twisting sting from that dagger of heartbreak even when I knew the boy I sent away wasn’t really right for me.

29. Rendezvous at the Library

Lance and I spent the entire morning talking, before heading to our office where we vowed to keep our conversations strictly business, just in case. He sat rapt as I recited it all from beginning to end, every bizarre fact Lucian had told me.

After bombarding me with questions, he said, “It’s just mind-boggling, right?”

“Yeah.” I had to agree. It was a lot.

“And you’re sure this all checks out?”

“I guess so.”

I couldn’t blame him for asking. I would have questioned it all too, but I had the advantage of that book of mine. I had peeked at it after climbing back up to my room and it had confirmed what Lucian had said.

What you have heard is correct. You are an angel in training. It‘s a position of strength and power and should be treated as such. You are here now because you are being tested. The only way to test good is to immerse it in evil and force it to find its way to the top. Trust the knowledge you have been given and continue seeking further enlightenment.

I didn’t tell Lance any of this angel business—I was still trying to digest it all myself. But I wondered. I mean, he had some sort of powers too, whatever they were. With our scars, our childhoods, of course, I had to wonder. I just let it float around my mind for the time being. For now, I needed him to flex his equally impressive, though much less mystical, powers.

“Hey, by the way, I have kind of a project for you. I don’t know if it’s possible, but if anyone can figure it out it would be you.”

“I’m intrigued,” he said. “Try me.”

Just as dusk was setting in, I was at the front desk picking up the stacks of menus for the prom when I saw her. She was walking up from the Vault elevator at the back of the lobby. I thought I was imagining it at first, but no, it really was Dr. Michelle, here in the Lexington Hotel. Relief swept over me, the way it always does when you spot a friend unexpectedly just when you need her. Maybe I could get her to duck out with me for dinner or something. I really just needed to spend some time with someone from my old world. And I certainly didn’t want her dining here. What was she doing here anyway? It was too early to be hitting the Vault. I noticed now that she was walking beside Mirabelle and wore a black cocktail dress. I called out before thinking, walking toward them:

“Michelle! Dr. Michelle!” She didn’t seem to hear me but Mirabelle did and our paths met under the chandelier. “Hi!” I gave her a hug and noticed she didn’t quite hug me back. I was gushier than usual but I didn’t care. “What are you doing here? Another wild girls’ night at the club? Wow, you look amazing, this is so pretty!” She wore sky-high heels and her hair, usually in a ponytail, now fell across her shoulders in soft waves. “How’s everything? Joan came by recently and said you were the hero of that school bus crash.” I was talking so fast, I couldn’t help it, but as soon as I stopped, I saw it: that look. She just stared at me with those empty eyes that everyone here seemed to have. I looked straight into them, through them, searching for life. My stomach lurched and my blood ran cold. “Michelle?”

She smiled, a hollow smile. “I’m sorry,” she said in a perfectly sweet, dull tone. “You must’ve mistaken me for someone else.”

I opened my mouth to speak but had no words. Mirabelle draped her hands on Michelle’s shoulders like a shrug. “Come, Evangeline,” she said to her.

I could only stand there, frozen, as they walked away.

Rattled as I was, I tried, with Lance’s help, to spend the rest of the day focusing on what good I had to look forward to: the rendezvous with Dante. We were ready and waiting for him a good half hour before our appointed time. There had been only one guest browsing the library when we arrived and soon we were left entirely alone. At five minutes after ten we heard the squeak of sneakers slapping at the part of the lobby floor not covered by carpeting. I looked out the door to see Dante running, as fast as I’d ever seen him run, in his chef’s uniform, straight for us. His expression, the pain of his eyes and grimace that overtook him, told me he was running away from something, someone. He glanced quickly back over his shoulder as he crossed the lobby.

Just a few paces from the door . . . he dropped. Fast and hard against the ground making a dull smack. Every part of him seemed to give out simultaneously. I hit the ground with him, leaning over him, and I heard myself shouting his name, shouting for someone to call an ambulance. I checked his pulse and felt it there, fast.