Illusions of Love (20 page)

to Martin. But when she opened the door she saw his robe on the floor and her heart began to pound when she realized he’d left.

Throwing herself on the bed, she burst into tears again. She’d lost Martin; she knew she had lost him.

When Jenny had run into the bathroom, Martin, exasperated, decided he simply wasn’t up to coping with her tantrums that night. He threw on his clothes and went down the elevator and outside, where he walked until he found a quiet bar.

Sliding into a booth, he ordered a scotch and soda. When it came he sat thinking about Jenny’s reaction, deciding that she had been unreasonable. He had done everything he could, but he wasn’t going to abandon his parents, not even for Jenny. They needed time to adjust to the situation. He had all but destroyed them by not confiding in them sooner. He’d never forgive himself for that.

But as his anger ebbed he began to understand Jenny’s feelings. Until they were married she felt as though she were committing a mortal sin.

She needed his parents’ acceptance.

He got up, hailed a cab, and went back to the apartment. When Jenny heard his key in the latch she rushed out of the bedroom into his arms, kissing him over and over saying, “I’m sorry, Martin. Please forgive me. I behaved like a stupid child. Of course this was hard for your parents. Oh, Martin darling, please love me.”

He placed his finger against her lips.

“Don’t say any more, there’s no need. This has been impossible for you and I know it. But if we’re going to have a happy life together, it’s important that my parents be happy also. You and I have to be a little patient about this, Jenny.”

“Oh, I will, Martin.”

“Thank you, darling. Forgive me for losing my temper. As soon as I get caught up in the office we’ll go away for a long weekend.”

That night, Martin lay awake in the dark, staring up at the ceiling.

He had missed Jenny so, and yet lying beside her he could find no peace. It wasn’t just his parents that troubled his thoughts. For the first time in months the faces

of the wretched Jews who had been liberated from the camps in Germany and Poland came back to haunt him. He too was a Jew but he knew so little of Judaism.

Early the next morning, before going to work, he visited the shabby little synagogue on Hester Street. He wasn’t sure why, but the Lower East Side seemed to hold out the promise of some answers to the truths for which he searched. He wanted Jenny, but he did not wish to abandon his heritage. He hoped that in this small schul, where the old men spent their mornings and their evenings, his past would reach out to him and provide some solutions.

Hearing the ancient prayers, Martin felt soothed even though he did not understand their meaning. He prayed for forgiveness from his parents, from Jenny, from his great grandfather Ephraim, who had left everyone he loved so his offspring could grow up in freedom. But as Martin left the schul and took a cab uptown to the office, he wondered if Ephraim had envisioned a freedom which allowed his great-grandchildren to marry Catholics.

After three weeks of long hours at the office, Martin felt he had caught up enough to take a long weekend with Jenny in Vermont. Dominic cheerfully lent them the Vermont farmhouse he had bought at a bargain price during the war.

When Jenny and Martin brought their bags inside, they found that Ned, who took care of the house during the winter, had left an ample supply of logs for the fireplace. His wife, Lucy, had carefully dusted every surface, stocked the larder, and filled the house with pots of chrysanthemums and huge vases of pine branches and juniper berries. When he had left, she gave a last glance around, thinking that it was a perfect setting for newlyweds. Dominic had told her Martin was coming on his honey moon to ensure their privacy and because he really hadn’t known what other explanation to make.

After dinner on Friday evening, Jenny lay in Martin’s arms, gazing into the roaring fire. Martin felt more peaceful than he had in months.

Getting away was just what they needed. They made love over and over that night, wishing that these moments would last forever.

The next morning, after a breakfast of country fresh eggs and biscuits, they dressed and went outside. The earth was blanketed with new-fallen snow. The pines and firs sparkled under a cloudless blue sky.

Martin found an old toboggan in the barn, and they trudged up a hill behind the house, startling a deer into flight with their voices. As they careened down the hill, the snow stung their faces, and they only burst out laughing when the sled came to a halt and tipped them over.

Martin thought Jenny looked adorable, her cheeks glowing in the cold crisp air.

“This is the best fun I have ever had in my life,” he whispered, ‘and it’s because of you. I can’t imagine what life would be like without you. Jenny. “

“You were so right about our getting away,” Jenny said.

“It’s as though a whole new world has opened up for us.”

For a moment they were silent. Then he helped her to her feet and righted the sled.

“Game for another try?”

“Naturally, since I’m carrying the sled.” He made a snowball and tossed it lightly at her chest.

She laughed, packed snow in her mitten, and aimed at his face. It landed on his chin.

“You want to play rough, huh,” he said, ducking her next snowball and scooping up his own ammunition.

They raced to the top of the hill, Martin still dragging the sled. She reached the top, breathless, and called out, “See, I told you I could beat you.”

“That was dirty pool.”

He reached out and wrestled her to the ground, and together they rolled down the hill. When they reached the bottom, he was on top of her, pinning back her shoulders. Their laughter echoed in the silence.

“See, I told you you couldn’t beat me,” he said, his breath steaming against the cold air.

“Okay, you win.”

He gave her a kiss and pulled her to her feet.

After lunch, Martin got Ned’s permission to harness his chestnut gelding to the old sleigh. Martin held the reins as the trotted through the countryside. Jenny was delighted until they passed a Catholic church and she remembered how long it had been since she had gone to confession. A shadow crossed her face, but fortunately Martin was too busy handling the horse to notice.

When they reached the general store, Martin hitched the gelding to the iron post and helped Jenny out. He saw her excitement as she looked about at the old village.

When they entered the store, there was a group of men chatting around the potbelly stove. The proprietor got up and walked behind the counter.

“Afternoon. You’re not from around these parts, are you?” he said in his clipped Yankee accent.

“No, but we’re staying at my friend’s house.”

“And who would that be?”

“Dominic Gatti.”

“The fella who bought the Calvin Walsh place a few years back. And this is the missus?” Mr. Swanson added.

“Lucy told me that you were up on the honeymoon. She’s a mighty fine-looking woman.”

Martin looked at Jenny and smiled.

“I think so too.”

“Now what can I do for you?”

“We’re going to look around, if you don’t mind.”

“You do that,” Mr. Swanson said, going back to the game of checkers.

Jenny was delighted. Even though it was only make-believe, this was the first time anyone had acknowledged her as Martin’s wife. It did a lot to salve the hurt she had felt when Martin had told her he would have to go home without her this year for the holidays. To take her with him would be ill-timed, he’d said. But next year she was certain she would go as his wife.

The night before leaving to go back to New York, she prepared a special dinner for the two of them. Later, as they sat in front of the fire, he gave Jenny a gold and diamond bracelet. Her present to him was a

pair of gold cuff links made in the form of a calendar. A small ruby marked November the fifth, the day he had asked her to marry him.

Putting them back in their box, he drew her to him saying, “You’re the love of my life, darling, and right after I come back from California, we will set our wedding date.”

“What about meeting your family, Martin?”

“I think it best for them to come to New York to meet you. It will be easier that way, without the rest of the family around.”

Jenny was hurt for a moment, but she brushed the thought away.

“I’m going to try and make them love me, Martin.”

“I know you will, darling. And it won’t be that hard; I’m not the only one in the family with good taste in women. Now let me get you some mulled wine.”

Jenny looked up at him. There was more than courage in her smile, there was peace.

Marriage.

“After the first of the year,” Martin had said.

It was as if the gods were jealous of their happiness. No sooner had they gotten back to New York than the phone rang. Martin started when he heard the sound of his mother’s voice.

“Darling, thank God you’re home at last,” she sobbed.

“What’s wrong. Mother?” he asked.

“I don’t know how to tell you, but your father has had a heart attack.

A very severe one. “

Martin couldn’t believe it. He had spoken to his mother this afternoon, just before leaving Vermont, and every147

thing was fine. And his father had seemed so healthy when he’d been out there last. If anything, it was his mother’s health that had concerned him.

“I don’t understand. When did this happen?”

“About two hours ago. Sylvia and I have been calling you ever since.”

Groping for words, Martin sputtered, “Where … I mean what hospital . ” He’s at home. “

“At home? Why isn’t he in the hospital?”

“Because he refused to go,” she sobbed.

“Why didn’t Dr. Silverman insist?”

“Because he understood your father’s fear. He’s afraid that if he goes to the hospital, he might never come home.”

“I’ll get a flight as quickly as possible,” Martin said.

“I’m so terribly sorry I wasn’t there with you.”

“Oh, darling boy, just come home as quickly as you can.”

“I will. I love you,” he added. He hung up, wondering if he would ever again be able to tell his father he loved him.

Jenny felt as if her whole world were crashing down around her. Just a few hours ago it had seemed as if their future was assured. And now the Fates had intervened. Jenny had a terrible premonition that the moment Martin reached San Francisco his parents would keep him from returning to her. And she couldn’t let that happen.

“Martin, would you like me to go to California with you? I don’t mean to meet your parents. I’d just like to be there in case you needed me.”

But Martin was so upset about his father that he scarcely heard her.

Sensing her hurt, he said, “Darling, I would love to have you with me, but under the circumstances I don’t feel that it would be fair to you.”

Jenny wanted to cry, but she controlled herself. This was not the time to dissolve. When Martin was gone there would be time for that.

“Call the airlines,” she said, ‘and I’ll go fix us some coffee. “

When it was time for Martin to leave for the airport, she clung to him. He had insisted it was too late for her to drive him there.

“I’ll be here if you need me,” she said, holding him to her.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Martin promised.

“And then I’ll never leave you again.”

From the moment he entered the Woodside house, Martin was filled with a sense of foreboding. The heavy drapes in the living room windows were pulled shut; it was as though the house itself were in mourning.

When he held his mother in his arms, he knew that things were very bad.

“Oh, dearest boy, I’m so grateful that you’re here. ” Then, before Martin could say anything, she added, “Dr. Silverman just left. He thinks your father is a little better today.”

Martin nodded.

“I want to see him.”

“He’s been waiting … I told him you were coming.”

Martin walked up the wide stairs to the second floor, pausing at his father’s bedroom door. Then he turned the knob and quietly entered.

Everything Julian loved was there, photographs in silver frames, pipes and trophies, the collection of a lifetime. But his father now shrunken and still in the big bed was no longer the same man. The heavy oxygen cylinders stood by the bed in obscene warning.

Martin felt his eyes fill with tears. How could his father be dying?

He should have had years ahead of him. Time to see his grandchildren born, to play with them. Pulling up a chair, Martin suddenly wondered if Julian would have ever dangled Jenny’s child on his knee. Then concern for his father blotted out all other thought.

After a few minutes, Julian’s eyes fluttered open.

“Have you been here long?” he asked, his voice little more than a whisper.

“Not long, Father. Just a moment or two.”

Julian sighed.

“My dear Martin, these months must have been so painful for you, feeling we had not really accepted your choice. I was not there to comfort you as I should have been. But here you are at my side when I need you. Help

me sit up, so I can see you better. Ah . that’s good. Martin, I feel I must say this. If anything happens to me . Martin tried to still him but Julian continued.

“You mustn’t be foolish, Martin. I won’t leave before it’s my time, but I know that when I go, it will be very hard for your mother and for you since you will have to take on certain responsibilities. What I’m saying is don’t allow this to become an obligation that will stand in the way of your own life. Do you understand what I mean, Martin?”

Martin would never forget his father’s words. He was giving him more than his blessing. His father was leaving him a legacy of love.

“We will talk more in the morning,” Julian said haltingly.

“Help me to lie back.”

Martin sat for a while listening to his father’s shallow breathing.

Then Julian began to gasp and the colour left his face. Martin rushed out for the nurse, but by the time they returned Julian was gone.