I'm Judging You (15 page)

Our apparent need to protect men instead of giving their victims space to share their experiences is a real shame. We don't give these women the benefit of the doubt, and in turn, we hand down no consequences to their violators. This helps continue the cycle of abuse, because lack of real punishment signals our approval. It's almost like we're giving perpetrators a silent high five, and that is awful.

Additionally, victims who speak out are often made to face their abusers over and over again, acutely triggering their trauma. There are people who are surrounded by those who would believe them and support them, and yet they still find it difficult to come forward. Imagine having to tell the story of the moment your life was split open in front of a number of people who do not have any investment in your well-being. You have to relive that devastating ordeal as strangers search your face for truth—often directly in front of the person who caused your trauma. It becomes a “he says/she says” case, and her say does not have the same weight as his say. Why? Because the voices of women aren't trusted unless men cosign, and the testimony of a woman who has been raped and violated is not enough.

The system is already stacked against women and girls, and for them to agree to experience such pain might turn out to be for naught, because the asshole who raped them will probably walk away scot-free anyway. Tens of thousands of rape kits have gone untested around the United States. It's clear that there are no fucks to give about getting women justice. So I can absolutely understand why some people never come forward or divulge their ordeal.

And what type of justice can you expect to get when the crime committed against you is fodder for jokes? When people still use rape as a punch line, how can survivors think they will be taken seriously when they tell their stories? When music artists brag about drugging and having sex with women, and those songs become hits, you realize that your trauma isn't going to be taken seriously. It took fifty (fifty!) women coming forward to accuse an entertainment icon of rape before he was finally called to the carpet. Even now, there are still people saying all those women are liars, defending him in the face of overwhelming odds. If only those apologists spent more time dedicating themselves to other shit, like not being dinglebats. If avoiding holding men accountable for despicable sexual behavior was an Olympic sport, our society would be full of Hall of Famers. There can be video of a popular musician urinating on an underage girl, yet he is still free and continuing to prosper. Rape culture gives predators the benefit of the doubt in the court of public opinion and in our actual courtrooms. There is seldom anything resembling justice for victims of sexual violence. It is preposterous and rage-inducing.

There's also the disgusting assertion that some people will loudly make that anyone who is a sex worker cannot be raped. Some people who are supposedly anti-rape will turn around and claim that if you are a prostitute, you cannot accuse anyone of rape. Apparently in such a case, if you are molested by someone who you did not give consent to, it is more “theft” than “rape” because someone just took the goods you were offering. That is not an occupational hazard; that is rape rape rape. It is rape. Someone who is forced into a sexual act without their consent was raped. It does not matter if she usually accepts money for sex. Our bodies should never be property, so to claim “theft” is to deny the human within that vessel.

Rape culture has taught people that women do not have inherent value as human beings who deserve dignity. We must earn it through being “ladylike.” And when we do not fit into the scope of that conveniently vague and subjective category, the things that are done to us and our bodies are just part of what we've asked for. So a sex worker is considered at the bottom rung of the ladder and whatever violation she experiences is part of what she has brought on herself. That's foul.

No one deserves to be raped, not even someone who has committed a crime that has landed them in jail. Rape as a tool of punishment is savagery. Rape in prison is still rape, and it's still wrong, and your prison jokes are awful. Sexual assault is a crime that does not end when the perpetrator zips up their pants. It creates a cycle of shame. We have to fix these twisted ideas.

But what do we do now? With all systems of oppression, the onus on fixing it needs to be placed on the majority group, not on the group that is experiencing the violation. Just as Black people cannot fix racism, women cannot fix this rape culture. Although there are some women who help uphold this culture by spewing some of the same misogynistic garbage, they are not wholly to blame; any large-scale system of oppression will often have some of the oppressed believing its teachings. Countless women have internalized rape culture and will blame themselves for being raped or point the finger at other women who were raped and say it was their fault. They are just a part of a well-oiled machine of patriarchy. It is up to men to dismantle the douchebaggery and get things right. We're too busy teaching girls shame when we need to be teaching boys how to see women as more than vessels of sex.

At my college orientation, freshman girls had to take a class on how to avoid being raped. I truly hope the class the boys had to take was called “DO NOT RAPE ANYONE.” Girls have been given tips on how to make sure they do not become victims. But when most of us are being attacked by people we know, those tips (like not rocking your headphones when you're walking at night) become wholly pointless.

The problem is not what women are wearing or how much we drink at parties. It is with boys who become men who think they are entitled to women's time, attention, and bodies. We need to teach them that they are not. When they hear “no,” they should not feel like a “yes” is owed to them. Teach your sons that women exist for more than the purpose of pleasuring them. Teach boys that you take someone's humanity away when you treat their bodies like property. Teach boys to be whole human beings themselves, not just shells of machismo, with the full spectrum of emotions and the vulnerability that sometimes comes with it. They say girls are made of sugar and spice, but it seems we think boys are made of hormones and semen, because they are not held accountable for their actions or attitudes. We are told that “boys will be boys.” Nonsense.

Can we stop living this lowered-expectations life when it comes to actual people who should be able to show restraint? I can hear you already protesting: “Not me; I would never rape or violate anyone. I respect women.” Okay, “good guys,” here's how you can help. First of all, treating a woman with respect does not make you good. It makes you someone who is doing the bare minimum. Also, when you are silent or laugh in the face of jokes or stories about women being violated, you're enabling misogyny. Speak up for us, even when we are not in the room. When your boy makes a rape joke or harasses a woman and you stand around not letting him know he's wrong, you're part of the problem. Our peers set the standards for our behavior, so when you let terrible things slide, you're saying it's okay. It's an endorsement. So be an actual good guy. Walk the walk and stand up against rape culture when you see it.

We gotta get our shit together, society. We've even got men in suits on Capitol Hill and in statehouses telling women what to do with our bodies through the law—in case you hadn't gotten the message that our bodies are not seen as our own.

This rape culture we live in tries to cut women down to size everywhere, all the time. We have to fight like Miss Sophia for people to treat our bodies with respect so that when we walk outside in the dark, we don't feel the need to carry rape whistles in order for us to trust that the men we love dearly won't hurt us.

We need to know that it is never our fault when we get raped. We deserve justice always.

 

11. Nobody Wins at the Feminism Olympics

I remember when I told someone I might not take my husband's name when I get married. You would have thought I told them that I like to bathe in beet juice. They sneered and replied, “You and this feminism shit.” I mean, I guess. The decision is about me being able to have a say about the name I want to go by for the rest of my life. I've carried the last name “Ajayi” for so long that to wake up one day, say “I do,” and then drop it might feel jarring to me. I see the pros, though. Existing as a unit, along with my kids, under one common name is adorable to me. So although change scares me, I'm still open to it. I might not take his last name if it's something like “Butt,” though. And that's just my personal preference. Everyone else? It's perfectly up to them what they want to do with their name after marriage.

On second thought, this IS a feminist issue for me.

Believing that people should make their own choices about their own lives is ultimately what I think it means to be a feminist. Feminism is largely defined (in dictionaries and whatnot) as advocacy for women to have political, social, and economic equality. It is the belief that your gender should not determine your access to opportunities, nor should it mean you have fewer rights. For me, being a feminist means believing that women, and everyone, really, have the right to live life on their own terms, and that is why I define myself as such. When we strip it down to its bare definition, everyone should be a feminist.

Everyone
should
want to be a feminist, but so many people are uncomfortable with that identifier. Feminism has a bad rap (worse than Vanilla Ice's) both fairly and unfairly earned, and in all its misunderstandings, it has become more divisive than it should be. It's like the angst-ridden teenager of activism, and people just don't get its struggles. Why is that? Because it is becoming synonymous with white women and that insidious white privilege we talked about before.

The feminist movement is supposed to fight for the freedom of all women from oppression, ensuring that we're all getting the same access to care, jobs, money, and positions of power as men. But let's be real: feminism has mostly worked hard for those things for
white women
, and that is one of the main reasons why it gets its wig snatched so often.

A white woman named Dale Spender said, “Feminism has fought no wars. It has killed no opponents. It has set up no concentration camps, starved no enemies, practiced no cruelties.” I am here to say, “Hey, gal. I get you, but I disagree a bit.”

Feminism might not have started any wars, but it has been cruel by not equally prioritizing—and in some cases actually working against—the issues of women of color, and women who are not heterosexual, and basically any woman who isn't straight and white. It has upheld a system of white supremacy by primarily serving that group, and it has made others invisible in its battles and on its front lines. It might not be the reason for World War III, but it is culpable and complicit in how some women are still marginalized and struggling while others are uplifted as the ideal of womanhood. I understand why some women of color have deep issues with it and refuse to identify as feminists. Feminism hasn't started any wars, but its battles are mostly fought by self-righteous white women who don't even realize that their work often only benefits people like them. When the big F has not cared about your unique issues, has not fought the extra layers of oppression that nonwhite, nonstraight women face, and has undermined your own efforts at seeking equality and freedom, you are probably in no rush to put yourself under its unwelcoming umbrella. I am a feminist in spite of all this, but many of my friends identify as womanists, understandably. Like Alice Walker said: “Womanist is to feminist as purple is to lavender.”

For Black women, not only do we deal with misogyny but racism adds an extra scoop of fuckedupness to the big bowl of crap we have to put up with. Have white feminists stepped up to help us address those issues? Have they used their privilege to be allies to us as we face the pain of seeing our children, men, uncles, and aunties suffer the often violent effects of racism? Or do we have to battle alone as our “friends in feminism” stand idly by? Are they fighting along with us as we endure feeling ignored, unconsidered, and exhausted from shouldering the weight of not just patriarchy but a racist patriarchy? Or are white women adding to our burdens by ostracizing us, too? What is even more ridiculous is that women of color were pioneers in the feminist movement. An early movement symbol was of a fist in a female gender icon; the fist is clearly an homage to the Black Power fist. Feminism is standing on the shoulders of giants who were Black and brown women, so for it to have evolved into something that excludes us adds insult to injury. We are rendered invisible, like we didn't pitch the tent on the feminism lawn and start the campfire our damb selves. It's so rude.

The big enemies of feminism are the institutions that continue to oppress women: Sexism, its meaner brother, Misogyny, and its evil-ass dad, The Patriarchy. We all throw darts at them. That is every woman's shared common ground, right? Yes, except that the misogyny we all experience is
also
colored by our race, sexual orientation, and gender identity. We are all marginalized at varying levels, and I'm speaking as a straight Black woman here so I can only talk about my point of view.

The misogyny that white women get looks different from ours, and our struggles aren't in the same box. They might be called “bitch,” but we get called “nigger bitch.” They might make 77 cents for every dollar that a white man makes on the job, but a Black woman gets only 64 cents out of that white man's dollar. What is feminism doing to ensure us equity, not just equality? I'm not sure, but certainly many Black women feel like we don't have a seat at the table.

Our struggles are surely not the same, and it isn't just in the way the rest of the world treats us, but also in how issues are prioritized within mainstream feminism itself. They say we're all on the same team, but they've made themselves the starting lineup, only bringing us in when the clock is winding down at the end of the fourth quarter. We have the right to feel like we're not playing the same game at all.