I'm Judging You (16 page)

When has The Movement itself ever centered the issues of Black and brown women specifically? What has feminism done for us lately (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh yeah)? Who has feminism advanced in the last ten, twenty, or fifty years? Feminists in comedy? Feminists in media? Feminists who run shit? White women. So again, why should women of color be so quick to raise their hands enthusiastically about being feminists?

Over the years, white feminists have removed Black women from the narrative of the movement. How many movies about women fighting for the right to vote include women of color? It's as if we weren't on those front lines, too. Our contributions are erased time and time again, but white feminists want all of us to fall under the same tag. They don't understand how women who are actively doing anti-misogyny work in their professional and personal lives could shirk the word “feminism.” It's like being in a club that skips over your name when it's time for roll call
—
you will feel like more of an observer than a part of the group. It's like we can't sit with them because on Wednesdays they wear pink, but they kept all the pink sweaters for themselves. White feminism has bred far too many mean girls who think they are fighting for all women but who are really fighting just for the ones who look like them.

Let's face it: at the intersection of racism and sexism is white women's privilege, and while some feel like they're dismantling one system, they're often upholding another. In a world that does a piss-poor job of protecting all women and keeping us safe, when society does choose to fight for women, it's usually for white women only. The rest of us can go fend for ourselves because “Strong Black Woman” and “Fiery Latina Woman” are tropes used to dehumanize us, excusing the bad treatment we receive. Some women are treated like fine china, while the rest of us are disposable plates that you reuse because you're too cheap to buy more. Because we can handle it, right?

Too often feminists are fighting for women to live in a way that mirrors their own lives. As in, if you're in middle America in middle management, you want other women to have your life. You're not Muslim? You fight for women to not have to cover their heads as they worship. The assumption that women in hijabs are less enlightened or empowered than those rocking daisy dukes is arrogant at best. Feminism should fight for all women to have the right to live as they choose, not for all women to live the same exact lives like we're all in some sort of Sims game.

Privilege is also in play when white women are portrayed as damsels in distress while the rest of us are meant to fend for ourselves. It is why missing blond girls get news coverage and little brown girls in the same situation rarely get attention. It is why people are quick to throw the words “bullying” and “shaming” at critiques of white women, but the rest of us are just being “corrected.” And those very white women who quickly come to the defense of those who look like them are often nowhere to be found when Black and brown women are being treated like wretches. This ego-driven fragility is why some people have reduced feminism to a puddle of white women's tears, and yet they will scream, “Aren't we all feminists?”

The feminist movement has sucked at being truly intersectional. It has neglected to address the struggles of women who are not straight, white, Christian (or sometimes Jewish), and cisgender (identifying as the gender that corresponds to the body you were born with). A woman who is Black, trans, or Muslim won't be represented fairly and completely in the fight for equality. Yet even with all these glaring issues, white women have claimed themselves the authority on feminism, and that is insulting. When feminism fights for the concerns of white women and not
all
women, it implies that white women epitomize femininity, which offends me. Not only does it make white-cis-Christian the default of femininity; it implies that other women have to live
up to
these narrow criteria. It assumes that everyone's feminism and idea of empowerment needs to be identical to theirs. Going back to the example of Muslim women who wear hijab: for many, the hijab is worn with a sense of pride. But some Christian feminists will choose to pity them, wondering how they can be liberated from their polyester and silk prisons.
Who asked you?
Who told you they're all feeling oppressed? We are not fighting for sameness in life. We're fighting for equality. We are fighting for choice.

The pressure to fit the increasingly rigid standards for being considered a feminist can be too much. It's like we're in a feminism competition, and the person who can prove they're the most feminist wins an island. I'm good and tired of people having to prove their feminism, as if there's some sort of entry exam that folks need to pass before they use the label. Setting all these criteria cannot be useful for progress, because all it does is encourage us to fight about whether we're worthy of a term that is supposed to encourage freedom. It's actually pretty counterproductive. It's a waste of time, and it's an exercise in elitism. Feminism is not some exclusive clubhouse where you have to dress a certain way and use a certain password to be allowed in. It is not a way to make women measure their lives against other women's lives. And it certainly is not about following rules.

“Real feminists don't wear heels.” (They're oppressive and were created by men.) “Real feminists don't wear short skirts.” (They open you up to being objectified.) “Real feminists shun plastic surgery.” (Patriarchy has made you hate your body and face.) “Real women don't twerk.” (Dancing sexualizes your body.) Well shit, “real” feminists sound boring, prudish, and plain as hell. Can they relax a bit?

Beyoncé has stood in front of fifteen-foot electric signs that say “FEMINIST” and identified herself as such. Yet there are multiple articles asking whether she is
really
a feminist. Since she chooses to use her beauty in her art, has a penchant for not wearing pants, and happens to be a woman of color, her feminism is constantly being called on the carpet. Every time someone writes an “Is Beyoncé Really a Feminist?” article, an angel gets a paper cut. This is absurd to me. Because until white feminists give you the stamp of approval, you're not really a feminist yet. How many articles have been written questioning Madonna's feminism? Surely far fewer than those questioning Bey's.

Of course feminism doesn't mean that we're all above critique, but the backlash should not be about how feminist someone is or is not. A woman who chooses to have Botox or plastic surgery or a bad weave, or who changes her appearance in any way she chooses, is no less of a feminist than anyone else. Sure, I might tell you that I wish you had kept your old face and that weave you got looks like a squirrel died on your scalp. However, I
can't
tell you that you're less committed to the equality struggle because of it. If feminism means we cannot judge the choices other women make, then I pretty much suck at it. (Because I judge everyone equally. I even wrote a book about it!) But someone's decisions about their own life doesn't mean I revoke their Feminism Clubhouse membership. Besides, they make the best mac and cheese, and I'd miss it at our annual potluck. Chantay, you stay.

Feminism is an ideology that is supposed to promote freedom from limits. A housewife who chooses to be one because it's what she wants is no less a feminist than a woman who works because she wants to make her own money. That stripper who is happy doing something brash for cash might be no less a feminist than the CEO. Too many people have a cramped idea of what feminism is, and all it does is marginalize women and discourage more of us from using that label.

The people who judge the “You can do it”-ness of those who choose to take their husband's name are part of the patriarchy they fear. Womanhood should be defined by each person for herself, because we are not all the same, and there's no one way we can define it as a group. If someone else's happy looks like them being a wife who takes her husband's name, that's perfectly fine. Ridiculing someone who chooses to be traditional in her daily life is just as harmful as expecting all women to be bad at math. It's too bad that people have to be shamed about whatever their choices are, or have their feminism questioned because they do not conform to a limited set of criteria.

Ideology can go to hell when the people who practice it consider themselves the gatekeepers, always wanting to play “Feminism Olympics: Prove Your Worth.”

Then there are people who think that feminism—and I mean the base “equality for all” feminism I defined at the beginning of this chapter—is not even needed, and I'd like to offer them a hoe (as in the instrument, not the pejorative term for women) to scoop up all the bullshit they've surrounded themselves with. These people live in a dreamland that exists only in their heads where women are already equal. They think because they have that one boss who is a woman, we've made enough progress. They know that one person who didn't take her husband's last name, and he doesn't even care! We can pack it in!

Those people are lying to themselves, but they're not as bad as the people who hear the word “feminist” and think of a caricature version of the bra-burning man-hater whose purpose is to tear down all men. (Most feminists I know love our bras for keeping our nipples from telling everyone the weather.)

Way too many people have come to think of feminism as the belief system of hating or emasculating men. Misandry is not feminism, and if an eye for an eye makes the world go blind, we will all need service dogs if we try to fight hate with more hate. Wanting equal rights for women is not synonymous with wanting fewer rights for men, just like me having the option of ordering a salad doesn't mean you're not allowed to order red meat. The fight for equality on any front does not equate to the oppression of the oppressors. Thinking that feminism's critiques of the patriarchy are somehow threatening to men as a whole is exactly why it is necessary. Feminism exists to level the playing field, because things are anything but fair, because patriarchy (and racism) permeates every part of our existence, and everyone who isn't a straight white man suffers for it.

We need feminism because men won't get the hell out our wombs. Politicians have made it their business to control how women deal with their bodies. If men had to be pregnant and go through childbirth, the human race would have gone extinct a long time ago, old low-tolerance-for-pain-having asses. Men catch one little cold and act like they're dying from the plague, but then they want to control whether we get abortions or not? Some of them are bold enough to tell us we can't even get them in cases of rape and incest. The unmitigated gall!

We need feminism because women can't just be who they are without being qualified and represented by their relationship to men. Our obituaries still start by defining us by who we were married to, even when we leave a legacy of our own accomplishments.

We need feminism because people believe that married women are the property of their husbands, and therefore they cannot be raped by them. It does not help that the Bible says wives should be led by their husbands, which some people have taken to mean “obey like a dog and let him do what he wants.” NOPE.

We need feminism because women are still underrepresented in almost every field that is not nursing or teaching. In Congress, in technology, and in executive positions in all industries, we don't see ourselves enough. There are conferences that talk about women's issues where the panelists and speakers onstage are all men. You know what makes no sense? A bunch of penises making choices for vaginas. That's like interviewing a turtle on the struggles of being a dolphin.

We need feminism because dolls are for girls and trucks are for boys. And girls wear pink and boys wear blue. And women cook and men fix things. And women are emotional and men should never cry. And women get PMS so they should not lead companies. These are prevailing (and simplistic) attitudes that show how basic we are with these gender binaries we enforce.

We need feminism because men are still getting high-fived for being present in their children's lives. People congratulate men who “babysit” their own kids. How the hell are you babysitting a child that you made? That is called
parenting
. You do not get a cookie for changing your kid's diaper, people! This comes as part of the territory, but it is so embedded in us to think it is the job of women that even those of us who are progressive can't help but be impressed by a father who spends as much time taking care of his kids as mothers do. We need feminism like the desert needs rain and like my dry scalp needs jojoba oil. These flakes are as real as the oppression of women; both must be demolished.

I just want women to be able to thrive, and my form of feminism is pretty simple: I do what I want to do and know I have the right. I gladly wear bras, and the only time I won't shave my legs is in the wintertime, because I'm skinny and I need the extra fur for warmth. I would submit to a man if I trusted that he could lead me. Submission is not synonymous with obedience, and I'm undecided about taking my husband's name when I get married. This is my feminism, hear me purr!

Let's stop administering the Feminism Membership Quiz, because all it's doing is ostracizing people and making them feel unwelcome in a movement that is supposed to be about inclusion. White women, include women of color in your agenda as you fight for equality. Don't leave us behind and then only call on us when you need our numbers. Feminism is for all of us, so fight for us. Don't just use your power and voices when it affects someone who looks like you.

You know why we still need feminism? Because “slut,” “whore,” “hoe,” and “bitch” are still so embedded in our lingo to denigrate women. We need to defeminize them. I want to live in a world where these words no longer have an automatic connotation to women and girls. Because let's be ULTRAREAL. Men will dip their Groupon peens everywhere and get high fives from their counterparts. Those ones embody that flimsy-ass definition of “hoe.” And bitchassness knows no chromosome, sees no genitals, and crosses boundaries of gender identity. This is what equality looks like.