Imperfections (24 page)

I finally gave up and decided to take the walk of shame to the subway where I was on the ride of shame. I felt like all eyes were on me, like somehow they knew everything I did and they knew I wasn't wearing underwear. I was so uncomfortable I kept trying to pull my skirt down with one hand while smoothing my hair down with the other. I stared down at the floor the entire train ride until I heard my stop. It was a relief to get off that train. My relief was short-lived because I had to walk into my parents' house.

I brace myself for who I would see when I walk in. To tell the truth, my mother is the only person I'm worried about running into. I know I look a hot steaming mess and questions are going to be asked if she sees me. Questions I don't want to answer. I feel so washed up, all I want to do is drag myself into the shower and sleep till tomorrow. Luck is finally on my side because the first person I see is Sophie. She takes one look at me, drops what's in her hands and rushes over to me and with her light French accent she says,

"Oh my goodness, what happened to you? Were you in some kind of an accident? Did someone attack you?"

The look on her face is comical. If I wasn't feeling so bad, I would laugh. She takes my hand and helps me take my coat off.

"No, Sophie, I wasn't in an accident, no one attacked me."

"Then what happened to you?"

"A massive hangover. My first and last, it will never happen again."

"Thank heavens; you look awful,
chérie
."

"Thanks a lot. I feel worse than I look."

"I don't know why you would do this to yourself." She clicks her tongue at me. "You're too pretty of a girl for this. I hope this is not a habit you've picked up since you've been away at school."

"No, it was a one-time thing. Ava took me out last night."

"Now I see. I like Ava and she's a nice girl but she can be a little...what you would call a free spirit."

"Yes, she is. A very free spirit."

I take her hand when my coat is off and steer her toward the stairs leading to my room. I whisper to her when I notice it's kind of quiet for a Sunday afternoon. Most Sundays late afternoon everyone's here including Jay with Vanessa and Sasha.

"Sophie, where is everyone?"

"Your parents went out to some function, the ladies auxiliary something or other. I can't remember, your mother has so many committees and boards she's a member of. After a while they all start to sound the same to me. Boring, stuck up and more boring."

I smile at her. I'm in full agreement with what she said. Most of the people on those committees are stuffy old women who are boring as hell. "Don't let my mother hear you saying that about her precious committees, even if it is true."

"I'm not afraid to tell your mother what I think. She spends too much time caring about those committees and what they say and think. The only opinion she should be concerned with in the way she conducts herself is her husband's and her children."

That's why I love Sophie; she's not afraid to speak her mind and she's not afraid to tell my mother what she thinks when she's had enough. "Where's Kate?"

"She had to get some things from her apartment since it looks like she'll be staying here for an indefinite amount of time while they fix her apartment."

Great. Kate and I under the same roof for an indefinite amount of time. Breakfast and dinner together every day. Every day I get to look at her knowing what I did and pretending I don't know she's pregnant. My own personal hell. There is no better motivation for me to find my own place. I don't care if I have to live in a shoe box that costs two thousand dollars a month. I never had to go on a ramen noodle diet in school but I will if I have to. I have to find a place where my guilt isn't eating away at me. I don't want to have to swallow down a heap of guilt first thing in the morning and last thing at night from across the dining room table with Kate looking at me.

"I don't think your brothers are coming over here today since your parents are out."

Thank God for small miracles. I lie down on my bed when we get to my room. Sophie insists on running me an Epsom salt bath she says will relax me. I don't argue. I take my clothes off, lying down on the bed. When I'm finished with my bath I feel a little better. I drag on a tank top, a pair of shorts, crawl under my covers, and bury my face into my pillow.

When I wake up it's the next morning. I feel much better. It's amazing what a day of sleep can do. Sophie brought me breakfast in bed. It was delicious, all of it. I was starving. It was a good twenty-four hours since I last ate, needless to say, I didn't leave a crumb of food on my plate. After I ate, I took a bath, got dressed in a pair of jeans and a fitted V-neck T-shirt. I was ready to face the day and deal with my problems. I have time since I only go to the school twice a week any day I choose until Mrs. Smith goes on maternity leave.

First order of business for the day, call Ava. Tell her about everything that happened and find out what she knows. I look at my phone and check my messages. Ava left me a message wanting to know if I'm all right. Then she left a text for me saying she spoke to Sophie, she'll call me later.

Funny, there's no text from Nick. That's not like him; usually he would've called to see if I got home okay. I guess he was upset that I just left without telling him. I look down at my phone and bite my lip. I guess I'm a little disappointed that he didn't call. I call Ava and tell her to come over to my house so we can talk. Three hours later we're in my room and she tells me she spoke to Nick.

"So what happened between you and my cousin yesterday morning?"

"He didn't tell you?"

She crosses her arms and sits back in the chair at my desk. "You know he's not going to do that. If I want the goods on what happens between you two, I have to get it from you."

"He didn't tell you anything?"

"No, but I'm sure I will get an earful of shit I don't want to hear from him when I leave here. I'm heading over to his place later. He ordered me over to his home to talk to me about our—" she holds her hands up making air quotation marks with her fingers, "—girls' night out." She lets out an exaggerated sigh.

I give her a sympathetic look because I can only imagine how upset he is going to be after I ran out on him. I hope he doesn't take it out on Ava and blame her for what happened.  "Did he sound upset when you spoke to him?"

She gets up off the chair, walks across the room to lie back on my bed, her elbows propping her up in front of me. "Upset doesn't even describe it. He nearly took my head off yesterday when I answered my phone, which wouldn't have been hard to do with the headache I had. Remind me never to drink so much again. I'm getting too old for it. I used to be able to party all night then get back up and do it again the next night."

I smile and shake my head at her. "Back in your college glory days…ah."

She shakes her new strawberry blond hair and sits back up on the bed. "You know it, girl. I was young, wild, free, and the life of the party. Good times. Anyway, he told me I better call you and make sure you got home safely and you were okay."

"He did?" I'm surprised and pleased.

"Yes, he did! He wasn't nice about it either, he was downright nasty not to mention rude. He said something about you running off from his apartment. What was that about? I need to know the whole story so I know what I'm dealing with before I go over there."

I take a deep breath, sit back against my headboard, and cross my legs Indian style. I tell her everything that happened at Nick's and the cowardly way I ran off before he could finish his phone call. I tell her about Matt confessing his feelings for me and us making out in the office in the back of the club. I conveniently leave out the part where we went at it on the desk. Not that I think Ava's going to judge me. I know she wouldn't, but she's still Nick's cousin and once again I can't keep a secret from her so I end up telling her.

"Oh My God, Cat, I can't believe this, two guys in one night. They should call you fire crotch 'cause it's on fire. You little slut!"

My mouth drops open in a perfect oval. "I can't believe you said that to me. Way to make me feel worse than I already feel, Ava." I fold my hands in my lap and look down.

"I'm just messing with you. You know that. You're the furthest thing from a slut or flaming crotch." She grabs my hand out of my lap and moves closer to me. "You're my best friend, you know I wouldn't judge you for anything you did. You've never judged me for the crazy stuff I've done, and if anyone should be judged for the things they did it would be me. You didn't even judge me when I told you I slept with my married college professor. So why or how could I ever judge you?"

I remember when she told me about that and how shocked I was. I wasn't expecting that. To be fair, he was separated from his wife. Ava didn't find out he was married until his wife showed up at his house and saw Ava sitting on her kitchen counter in nothing but a G-string. Awkward! "You didn't know he was married. He lied to you. He was a total asswipe. He deserved his car to be burnt to a crisp." We don't move, our eyes look up at each other until we start giggling uncontrollably.

"The look on his face was priceless." She hugs me and I hug her back. "You have always been there for me. I could never judge you, Cat. I wouldn't dare."

"Friends don't judge friends," I say.

"How do you feel about what Matt told you?"

"I don't know. I mean, it felt good. I was flattered."

"I know it feels good when a guy is all—" she puts on her best deep manly voice and grabs at my thigh, "'—I want you to be my world and my life. I have longed for you, I burn for you.'" Stopping, she points at me. "Maybe that's where you got the fire crotch from. The fire from within his crotch just leaped out 'cause it couldn't be contained around you."

Leave it to Ava to make me laugh. I slap her hand away from my leg. "He didn't say that! And there was no fire leaping out of anyone's crotch." Except mine when I was spread eagle on the desk and he had his hand up my crotch.

"Close enough to it. Do you want to go out with him and see if you two might have some unresolved feelings for each other? You can tell me. I'm not biased because Nick is my cousin. I think you and him will be good together. I'm with you whatever you decide to do."

"I don't know. I don't think so. Matt is always going to have a special place in my heart because he was my first. He made me feel like a guy could actually desire me. I felt a sort of power knowing I could make him change his mind about something he felt strongly about not doing. We had a connection that night, for one night."

"You really don't think you can have that connection again?"

"Back then, yes. Now, I'm not sure. It's like too much time has passed. When I think about Matt I do feel something. But it's not that feeling that…I don't know. I can't explain the feeling."

"Try, make me understand so you can understand why you're not that into this seemingly great guy who is gorgeous, and totally into you."

"It's not what you should feel when you want someone so badly you can almost taste them in your mouth. Every cell and pore in your body hums with what you want. It's a fever in you when you come together and it won't stop raging till you're wrapped up in each other. Pulling and pushing until you find your release."

"Now I have to ask…Do you feel that with Nick? Did you feel that when you were with Nick two weeks ago?"

In answer I nod my head. "Hell, I felt it when I was out of it drunk and he helped me take my clothes off."

"Be honest, Cat, admit it, your heart and your body are already taken. There is no denying it. If you want him, you can have him."

I close my eyes, clamp down on my teeth, inhale through my nose, and let out a deep breath. "If I take him, people are going to be hurt. It will change everything. Not for better but for worse. I don't want to hurt the people I love. I can't be happy if I'm hurting the people I care about." I keep my eyes closed and lean my head back.

"I think at least one of us should be happy. You have two hot guys fighting over you, I need that problem. I can't get the guy I like to get enthusiastic when he sees me."

The only guy I know she's interested in these days is Chris.

"I have an idea, why don't you share what you have. I'll take Matt off your hands and play around with him for a little while."

I open my eyes and Ava winks at me. She pours on her thick southern accent. "I'll have him wine me and dine me, ooh la la."

"Don't forget the diamonds and the furs," I add mockingly.

"Of course not. What kind of girl do you think I am?"

"Expensive, very expensive."

"Damn right! I'm taking everything he has to offer and then some. I refuse nothing."

The corner of my mouth lifts up. "I almost feel sorry for him."

"Me too but not enough not to take anything and everything he's willing to give me."

"Boy, my mama taught you well."

"Yes, she did."

"You were paying attention to her pearls of wisdom."

"Why, yes, I was."