In a Moon Smile (31 page)

After they said good-bye each week, he drove slowly and used the twenty minutes to decompress and regroup. By the time Russ reached the family driveway, he was back to the daily grind. He was back to playing husband and father, bored and strangled to death by routine. The boys flew out the front door to greet him. His wife offered a slight smile as they passed each other in the hallway. Before he placed the car keys on the little hook by the back door, Russ Wildman successfully tucked Becca away in that secret place of want.

Becca was a beautiful diversion from the rest of his life. When he was with her, Russ didn’t obsess about whether his class assignment plans were current. He didn’t give a damn how much more weight Darla packed on. He wasn’t thinking about the bald spot on the back of his head and never kept track anymore of all the times Darla said she had a headache. Screw her, anyway. Russ had a beautiful Lolita now. And she was not only smart and beautiful, she also happened to adore his dick. He didn’t care anymore about being rejected. Darla’s vagina could fall off, for all Russ cared. He only wanted to dream about Becca. She saved his life in so many ways, just by being so tender and simple and kind to him. Russ protected Becca’s existence in his life like she was a precious, rare discovery. In every way, that was truly how he felt about her. So he built a safe cocoon around their time together.

But now what did Becca want to say? This was a Tuesday, after all, a rarely scheduled time to meet.

“I don’t supposed there is another way to talk about this…” Becca’s voice was soft but controlled.

Russ was nervous. If she was dumping him, oh my God, what would he do? How could he survive his dismal life without the love of this sweet flower?

“I am pregnant,” Becca said flatly. There was no room for hysteria. None. She would survive this, just as she survived every other shitty something in her life. After all, she might be young but she knew a lot about loss, disappointment and inner strength. She refused to melt down and freak out. She guessed Mr. Wildman might be bracing for drama but there would be none.

Once the news reached Russ’ ears, it traveled quickly to his chest. It whirled around like a tornado. Pregnant teenager. Teacher impregnates student. Perspiration beaded on his face. The frayed collar of his shirt felt like it was strangling him. Mental images of his little boys filled a couple of moments. What did he feel? Horrified? Shocked? He could not speak. Becca placed her hand on top of his and smiled.

“Please don’t worry,’ she said confidently. “I will be fine.”

“I just need some time…” Russ’ head was swimming. He felt nauseous and shaky. “I will need to secure an attorney. Then I will think about finding a place for us to live.”

“What?’ Becca was staring at him like he was some kind of alien. “What are you talking about? Attorney? Why do you need an attorney? What are you trying to say?”

“I’m trying to think about our next steps, Lovie,” Russ stood and began to pace the cheap motel carpet. In areas by the bed, it was dotted with cigarette burns. Why had he never noticed what a seedy place this was? For God’s sake, he could easily contract crabs here, take a bad case of lice home to Darla and the boys. What was he thinking? “I’m trying to consider the options,” he said slowly, trying to find some composure. It won’t be possible to buy a home for us until I file for divorce and free myself financially from Darla.”

“I don’t plan to stay pregnant,” Becca said. “I also don’t want to be the reason you leave your wife and children. I only told you about the pregnancy because, well, I guess I thought it might be an ethical obligation on my part to let you know.”

He stared at her, wondering where her childhood went and if he too was part of whatever made this lovely young woman think with the mind of someone twice her age.

“But we love each other,” His comment landed on Becca’s ears like a childish whine. The way he stood there, emotionally crumbling like a toddler struck Becca as very unattractive. She looked away, praying that Russ would wipe his snotty nose and stop acting like a baby. “We belong together, Becca.”

“No, we don’t belong together,” Becca said simply. She stood and smoothed the front of her favorite tank top. “We have become great friends. I’ve enjoyed your company. But you are a married teacher and a father. I have a seventeenth birthday soon. I plan to go to college. I don’t want to be married to you or anyone else. I don’t want a baby right now, either. I hope you understand, Russ, I don’t want anything from you.”

When she saw the color drain from her teacher’s face, Becca quickly added, “Please don’t be upset or hurt. And please don’t think you owe me anything. You are not obligated in any way.”

“So you’re choosing abortion,” Russ said thoughtfully. “I understand that, given your age and academic goals. Of course, I will be financially responsible for the procedure.” His voice was encased in an icy tone and he forced Becca to make eye contact. “If you are sure that you want an abortion, then we will proceed with that plan.”

“I am very sure about my decision,” Becca nodded. “I appreciate your offer to pay. Otherwise I would have to tell my dad so I could borrow the money.”

“Don’t worry at all about that,’ Russ said. “I will pay for it.” In his mind, Russ quickly ran through the options of finding money for this in his family’s very tight budget. He would have to withdraw the money from the damn Christmas Club account. Oh damn, he was a piece of shit.

“Would it be possible to give me a ride to the clinic?” Becca asked nervously. “I hate to ask you but I don’t want my friends or anyone in my family to know.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Russ said in a low voice. “I’ll try to find someone to help you, but I don’t think it should be me. I mean, what if someone saw me there with you, Becca? Did you ever think about that?”

Stung but also infuriated, Becca kept her cool. “You’re right. I definitely should have thought more about what you have to lose instead of only considering myself.” In that moment, Becca saw Russ Wildman in the same light as her father and so many other men. When pressed, he exhibited that same, unspoken expectation; that his needs were more important than hers, that he mattered a hell of a lot more than she did. And so Becca said nothing more.

Two days later, she met Russ at the café and quickly shoved the stack of dollar bills in her purse. When he suggested meeting the next afternoon at the motel, Becca made a flimsy excuse for why she couldn’t be there. She hadn’t told him yet, especially because she needed the money for the abortion. But very soon, she would let the good teacher know that she was disgusted by him.

On Friday morning of the following week, Becca skipped American Literature to instead end the pregnancy at the women’s clinic. Her cousin Sheila provided transportation and well-intended, but nervous words of encouragement. Becca made up a story about a guy who got her pregnant then moved away. She sighed happily when Sheila seemed to buy the explanation. When her name was called, Becca mentally covered herself with armor. She would go through the procedure and she would return to her old life. She would even put effort into trying to be a happy- go-lucky teenager.

To ease the cramping, she stayed in bed all weekend with a heating pad. She told her dad that she had a stomach virus. When she entered calculus class the following Monday and glanced at her teacher, Becca knew the relationship with Russ Wildman was over.

Her heart had not recovered. Last week when Russ thought only of himself, she had begun to hate him. Yep, she would be dumping him. She didn’t love him anyway. She needed to give some thought to the best way to end it.

From Monday to Thursday, Russ left countless messages. Becca hoped he would get the hint and stop calling, but he didn’t seem to pay attention at all to the fact that she had not returned a single call. He continued to leave those sappy messages that made her eyes roll around with disgust. He was looking desperate and psycho weird about the possible ending of their time together.

After avoiding Russ’ calls and emails for nearly a month, Becca finally agreed to meet him. Obviously, Russ was not willing to walk away without some kind of damn showdown, so fine. She would show up, say what had to be said and close the book on this ugly chapter. He insisted on meeting at the motel so Becca knew he expected sex. But that certainly was not in her plan. She wanted to get this over with, just stop the drama and keep moving.

She predicted that Russ would smile happily when they were face to face. He would expect her to simply wipe away the fact that he got a student pregnant, then paid for the student’s abortion but refused to be a man and drive her to the clinic himself. She didn’t expect Russ to inquire about her feelings regarding the abortion, either. Becca knew he would not ask if she was angry with him for dumping her to deal with the abortion alone. He would not ask about her fears or worries. After all, if Russ asked about her feelings, it would greatly reduce his secret sex time. He was just another self-absorbed male. She was disappointed but not exactly hurt. She never viewed their relationship as anything long term.

But Becca had a couple of regrets. First, that she had expected more heart from Russ but he failed her, and second, that until now, Becca never felt the tiniest bit guilty about screwing Darla Wildman’s husband. She never thought of them as a couple. She never considered the pain she would inflict on Darla if the affair was exposed. But now Becca did care. She experienced a raw, shaming kind of guilt that stuck in her throat and stayed on her mind.

She loathed what she had done. She vowed to end the relationship and never repeat this kind of behavior again, not with Russ or with the husband of any other woman. As she parked her car, Becca considered what she wanted to say. Their interaction would be kind but candid and to the point. Then she would leave the motel, drive to the mall and walk around until she felt strong enough to go home, looking normal.

“My God, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you,” Russ quickly pulled her into a tight embrace the moment Becca opened the motel room door. His hands were in her rich, dark hair. He worked to unzip her jeans and pull off her top. But Becca stood there like stone. “What’s wrong, Lovie?” Russ smiled so warmly that she nearly fell for that gentle comfort all over again. But no, Becca knew these were not true feelings.

He was her teacher, twenty years older, a married guy with kids. He was sick. He manipulated her right into his bed. But she helped it along with all those awful moments of neediness. Russ was toxic. He had used her. She had to leave this situation.

“Are you happy to see me?” The smile on Russ’ face was goofy and stupid, as if he was trying so hard to act Becca’s age. A normal guy who’s pushing forty doesn’t weasel around in motel rooms with girls who aren’t even old enough to vote. “Why haven’t you responded to my efforts to talk to you?” His voice was a whine. “I was so elated when you agreed to meet me here at our place, Becca. I’ve missed you more than you could ever imagine.”

“I can’t see you anymore,” Her voice felt so heavy, like it was weighing down her tongue. The words needed to be pushed out of her mouth. She sucked in a deep breath, noting that she didn’t feel much of anything. Thank goodness for that, too. She did not want to cry. Russ might confuse her tears and think they fell for him. But she wouldn’t have been crying about him. The tears would have been for herself and her loneliness.

“I don’t understand…” Russ stopped talking and hung his head.

“You should go home and live your life with your family,” Becca said gently.

“But I want you,” Russ said. As his fists clenched on his knees, his eyes seemed to narrow. Something felt creepy. “There’s no way I can lose you, Lovie. You are my little Lolita.”

Fear danced up and down the back of Becca’s neck. She felt afraid of Russ. She zoned in on his body language, trying to quickly decipher if she was losing her mind or if she had failed until this moment, to see that Russ Wildman was psycho. She sat still and quiet, waiting for a chance to edge her way out the motel room door. She very slowly placed her hand inside her purse and pressed the car key into her palm.

“We aren’t ending our relationship, Lovie,” When Russ looked at her. His eyes were empty, glassy, terrifying. “There is no way in the world for me to live without you, Becca. I knew that the moment you became my student. Do you remember that? You flirted around with me and lured me right into your panties, didn’t you, sweetie?” He slowly walked across the room and stroked the side of Becca’s face with gentle fingers. “I told you I would leave my wife for you, Becca,” He wound his hands in her long hair and pushed his body against hers. “Remember? And I was serious. I want you, sweetie. Only you.”

Russ pressed his mouth so hard on hers that she tasted blood. She knew her lips were bruising. He shoved her against the wall, and the corner of the cheap air conditioner jabbed against the lower part of her back. Becca’s mind raced. Why was he acting this way? Did Russ plan to rape her? What should her next move be? She could not breathe, with his body pressed against hers.

She turned her face to gasp for air and Russ yanked the back of her hair, forcing Becca’s head upward. “You need to tell me, darling, that I mean as much to you as you mean to me. I need to hear you say it, Becca. You need to understand that your slutty ways led me down this bad path. My career could end because of you. My plan to finish my masters and PhD would be worth nothing if anyone knew about us.” He pulled harder on her hair but Becca refused to even whimper. “Now that you know everything I have at stake, Lovie, I’m sure you can better understand why you need to convince me that you and I are together forever.”