In an Adventure With Napoleon (12 page)

Dear
St Helena Gazette
Letters page,

I’m sure I’m not the only resident to find our new arrival the Pirate Captain a real breath of fresh air. I especially enjoy his stentorian nose, and I think I probably speak for all us when I say that he has the most luxuriant beard ever. I wonder how he gets it so silky-looking? Perhaps, if he is not too busy, he could pen an article on the subject for our little gazette. I also like his shoes.

Hugs,

An Anonymous Islander

Dear Sirs,

I am just writing to congratulate our island’s Amateur Dramatics Society on last Thursday’s fine staging of
The Tempest
. I think Monsieur Bonaparte deserves special praise for his brilliant and commanding Ferdinand – such a shame that the whole performance was somewhat let down by the rather hammy overacting of the Pirate Captain’s Miranda. Otherwise, four stars!

Salutations distinguées,

A long-time devoted reader

Dear
St Helena Gazette
Letters page,

What a pity that our island’s recent garden fete, which was for the most part a fun day out for all, suffered from such erratic judging in the Heaviest Marrow section of the competition. How Napoleon’s frankly anaemic-looking entry was judged to have been superior to the Pirate Captain’s gargantuan legume I will never know.

Hugs,

An Anonymous Islander

Dear Sirs,

I was recently unfortunate enough to purchase ajar of the Pirate Captain’s ‘Famous Nautical Honey’. Perhaps in piratical circles it is usual for honey to consist mostly of
bee heads, soil and seawater, but I would not recommend it to anyone of more refined tastes. By the way, I hear that Monsieur Bonaparte will be signing copies of his memoirs,
A Long Road To Greatness
, at the local bookshop this coming Saturday. Make sure you get there early or risk disappointment!

Salutations distinguées,

A long-time devoted reader

Dear
Hot and Nautical
Magazine,

Last week something amazing happened that I thought your readers might be interested in. I was at home in my cabin, minding my own business, when I heard a knock at the door. Well, I wasn’t expecting anybody, so imagine my surprise when I opened it to find a stunning redhead standing in the hallway, wearing only a daring negligee! She had curves in all the right places and legs that just wouldn’t quit! [letter continues page 2]

Dear
St Helena Gazette
Letters page, Sorry, best forget all that. Bit of a mix-up with the envelopes there. What I had intended to bring to the attention of your readers was not an unlikely erotic encounter with a flame-haired temptress, but rather the fact that this Friday the Pirate Captain
will be signing copies of his memoirs,
Fine Hams I Have Known
, at the local butcher’s.

Hugs,

An Anonymous Islander

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for a fascinating article on the wildlife of the English countryside. It was an enthralling account of the kinds of creature we could meet here on St Helena, if it was a completely different place. Most interesting was the passage on the cuckoo and the impertinent way it muscles into another bird’s nest and grows fat on worms intended for others.

One individual who seems to have learned a great deal from the cuckoo is a certain Pirate Captain. I saw him at his recent book signing, oiling his way into the affections of the islanders by wearing a ridiculously ostentatious pair of voluminous trousers. As I watched from behind a goat carcass, it occurred to me that they looked a lot like the curtains that were recently stolen from Monsieur Bonaparte’s washing line. A coincidence? Perhaps not.

Salutations distinguées,

A long-time devoted reader

Dear
St Helena Gazette
Letters Page,

In your last issue you published a letter that implied
our island’s most colourful character, the Pirate Captain, was not entirely honest. As an impartial observer, I would like to point out that he is renowned for his sense of fair play, as demonstrated by the recent cricket match on the green.

One particular incident springs to mind, when the Pirate Captain had knocked up a masterful forty-five runs. You may recall that in the first ball of a new over, he hit a magnificent shot towards the pavilion, where Monsieur Napoleon was supposed to be fielding. Not only did the Frenchman attempt to field the ball when it was clearly over the boundary, but he also caught it in his hat. In a demonstration of good-natured sportsmanship, the Pirate Captain only disputed his dismissal for two hours with Monsieur Napoleon and the umpire (who clearly had the sun in his eyes at the time), before conceding. But there was no way he was out, no matter what that little megalomaniac might say.

Hugs,

An Anonymous Islander

Dear Sirs,

I notice your ‘Anonymous Islander’ makes no mention of the Pirate Captain’s illegal use of cannons in the cricket match. I wonder if he’ll use similar tactics at next week’s public debate? I wouldn’t put it past him.

On a lighter note, I would like to add how marvellous Monsieur Bonaparte was looking yesterday, walking up and down in his brand-new spats. Anyone with half a brain would realise that he’s the natural choice for Head of the Residents’ Association. You can’t trust men with beards, can you? They’re clearly trying to hide something.

Salutations distinguées,

A long-time devoted reader

PS As a keen student of anatomy I would just like to say please please please please please can we have more of Jean the ‘bathing beauty’?