In Memoriam (30 page)

Shivering, she put a warm sweater over her top. “I’m not ready for autumn.” Looking in the mirror, she was shocked at the sadness on her face. She’d coped with the stress of the weekend by playing nonstop with her grandchildren, including Miranda, who instead of Aunt Pam, called her Grannie like the others did. When she wasn’t running on the beach with Megan and Miranda, she was holding Marcus, kissing him and whispering to him, or carrying Brent on her hip. The men watched her, admiring her trim, athletic figure and youthful energy, but she didn’t notice, angry that except for Big Ed Ford, every one of them had betrayed her in some way, including Ted, who was repeating the beach burial scene of the previous May to rapt listeners.

She quickly approached him. “Please, Ted. My daughter doesn’t know about it.”

“Oh, so sorry,” he said, embarrassed.
You two are a perfect match with your big mouths,
she thought.

After their meal, Pam returned to the beach to toss a ball to the girls, still holding baby Brent, his chubby body comforting. Days long past, when her son Brent was this age, she remembered taking Marie to the park and tossing the ball with her, too, while Brent rode on his mother’s hip. It was a wonderful memory, carrying with it no pain until Sandra called her name, bringing her back to reality. Pam ignored her, having to talk exhausting.

“Hey, are your arms getting sore yet? He weighs a ton.”

“No, I think the weight lifting has paid off,” Pam replied, shouting to Miranda to get the ball, willing Sandra to leave her alone, to go back in the house.

“I caught what Ted said about the ash burial. How’d that come about? I sort of thought you’d include me if you did anything final.”

Pam didn’t want to hit Sandra while Brent was in her arms, so she passed him off. She didn’t react right away. What could be said to such a selfish, self-indulged woman that would make a difference to her?

“What exactly are you asking me?” Pam ran after the ball little Megan had just thrown before it went in the water.

The tone of voice she used surprised Sandra, and she thought maybe she’d back off. But she was angry Pam had the burial and didn’t ask her to attend. “I just wondered why you didn’t ask me along.”

Of all the things Pam could have ticked off her list of grievances against Sandra, she decided to be civil. “It was a spur of the moment thing, Sandra. Ted and Natalie came to see me, and it was the right time for
me
. It was unemotional and freeing, just me and two relative strangers as witnesses. Jack was my husband. I didn’t feel like sharing that moment with you.”

Sandra took an involuntary step backwards. Occasionally, over the years since Jack died, Pam let it be known that
she
was his wife, not anyone else. But since Marie died, she’d mellowed. Jack still wasn’t a topic of conversation between them, but when he was, Sandra felt a kinship with Pam, a sisterhood. But not today.

“Come on, girls. Let’s get some lunch,” she said, walking to Megan and picking her up, taking Miranda’s hand.

“Do you think he’s ready for a nap?” Pam asked, dismissive, nodding toward Brent.

Sandra followed her into the house. It would be the last conversation they would have that weekend, and for a while.

Chapter 28

The car arrived late Sunday afternoon to take Sandra and her children back to Brooklyn. The nannies helped her pack up, carrying suitcases down and getting kids buckled into car seats. Pam hid in her bedroom during the chaos, not able to force one more second of insincere dialogue with Sandra.

When she heard silence, she tiptoed out to the kitchen and looked out the window, shocked—
Jason
was helping Sandra buckle the car seats into the limo. Where did he come from? And then she realized he must have been watching for the car from Jeff’s house next door and hurried out to assist her. Rage filled Pam’s chest, having never felt so angry in her life.

Watching the two of them, he held the door for Sandra, and when everything was in the car, she kissed his cheek, gave him a sultry look Pam was familiar with, and waved before he shut the door. Standing at the curb, he waved good-bye and then turned to go back to Jeff’s, not even looking over at Pam’s house. She was filled with disbelief, sure it was an overreaction on her part. Jason bent over backwards for Pam all weekend, attentive, affectionate, generous.

On Saturday night when the children were sleeping, he got down on one knee in front of everyone and proposed again. But this time, he had a ring, and although Pam would have thought she was too old for such displays, it thrilled her to see that it was a ring worthy of her finger, a big, ostentatious, custom-made, five-carat, square-cut diamond. Everyone gasped, especially Bernice and Lisa, who positively trilled they were so moved.

Thinking about the moment now, Pam wasn’t sure Sandra even acknowledged what Jason had done. She already knew about it, the first person Pam told Friday night. Then a thought occurred:
Did Sandra congratulate Jason privately?

“Pull yourself together. Your imagination is going wild. Start cleaning up; that’ll get your mind off fantasies.” She put an apron on and started to clean the gigantic mess her guests left behind. She remembered how Brent used to love the aftermath of entertaining; he’d put her full-frontal apron on and sweep everything into giant trash bags. All the guest bedrooms were stripped bare, bathrooms, too. He’d even fill toilets with blue cleaner, saying he couldn’t stand the thought of all of those foreign asses plastered on their toilet seats. Pam laughed out loud, thinking about it.

“Someone’s happy,” a voice said.

She looked up, and Jason was standing in the doorway to the veranda. Smile disappearing, she didn’t want him to know she’d witnessed the good-bye, but her anger was making it difficult.

“Oh, hi. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“The door was unlocked,” he replied, a hint of admonishment in his voice.

“Yes, well, Sandra just left.”
As you well know
. “I was making my way out there to clean up.”

“So that went well,” he said.

There was a tone of expectancy in his voice, she couldn’t place it exactly, but she knew something was coming, and that it wasn’t going to be good. If he dared to criticize her in any way, she’d let him have it, even touching her ring to make sure it was in place in case she needed to give it back to him.

“Did it?”

“Yes, it did. You were taking care of everyone so probably didn’t notice. Delicious meal, by the way.”

She wanted to say
was it?
but let it go, walking into the pantry to get a broom. “How’d you like the lemon cake?” she asked, teasing him to ease her anger.

He laughed. “Oh, it was very nice. Very potatoey.”

Leaning against the counter, she thought it odd that he wasn’t offering to help her clean up. “So did you need anything? I’m sure you didn’t drop by to watch me clean.”

“Actually, I do have something I wanted to say to you, but I need you to stop doing that and come over here.”

She wondered if he was going to embrace her, kiss her, ask her if he could stay the night. Lovemaking would certainly go a long way toward healing the pain she was in. She remembered a Bible study she’d attended during her newly married days in which an Old Testament scripture related the marriage relationship. “David went in to Bathsheba and lay with her and comforted her.” Sighing, it was so true, a woman just needed her man’s attention once in a while and all would be well.

Setting the broom aside, she went to him and smiled, circling his waist with her arms. “Here I am,” she said, smiling up at him.

He didn’t reciprocate the hug, stiffening up and pulling back slightly, frowning. It took Pam a second to realize he wasn’t there to make love to her.

“Ted was really upset that you admonished him in front of everyone. And the way you ignored my brother-in-law all weekend was very childish. I’m not happy.”

Pam took a step back and turned away, taking a deep breath. This was going to take some finesse on her part not to destroy their relationship, if they even had one.

Turning back, she looked at his face, trying to get a read on where this was coming from. Was he making excuses to end it with her, or was he justified? “It was a lot to deal with early in the weekend. I should have canceled right after your faux pas about Sandra. That would have warranted the end of any gathering, let alone an entire weekend.”

“So, you’re blaming me,” he said, with attitude.

“In a word, yes. You know, I am exhausted, Jason. I just entertained thirty people, half of them ungrateful, disloyal gossips. If you want to be included in that group, go for it.” She took her apron off and hung it in the pantry.

Turning to him, she twisted her ring off her finger and held it up for him. “Please leave. Everything I’ve been through, the betrayal of my husband and friends, the death of my son, all of it, I never felt as shitty or as disgusted as I do right now.”

“I didn’t want to make you feel bad,” he said, backing away from the ring.

“What did you think it would do to me? I don’t need to be treated like a child, corrected for my behavior, or told not to feel pain when people I’ve trusted with my secrets betray the hell out of me.” She was on a roll and could feel herself getting shrill.
Stop, Pam, or regret it later.

“I’m sorry, but don’t give the ring back. Maybe we have the kind of relationship where we do better alone than we do in a crowd.”

“Maybe we do,” she replied. “Look, I’m really tired. Let’s pick this up next weekend.”

“I thought I’d stay for a few more days.”

“Well, be that as it may,” she said, nonsensically, having to stifle laughter.

“Can I see you tomorrow? Things will have cooled off by then.”

“Okay,” she said, looking at the floor.

He never tried to kiss her good-bye. Taking a deep breath, Pam wondered if cooling off was the best term to use.

Traffic into Brooklyn from the beach was a typical Sunday night horror show, but they finally arrived in time for a snack and bedtime. Putting herself into high gear, Sandra fixed Miranda an orange and slices of cheese, sitting with her while she gave Brent a bottle. She was in a trance when she bathed the children, Brent in the kitchen sink and Miranda in the tub. Jammies and bedtime story and both children were out cold, exhausted from a full weekend at the beach.

After she got her own pajamas on, she noticed the answering machine light on the phone blinking. It was so odd; almost everyone she knew called her cell phone. She got it out and saw that she hadn’t missed a call. Frowning, she pressed the message button. It was Tom.
Sandra, I wanted to let you know I’m getting married next weekend. Nothing you need to do, I just wanted you to hear it from me. Hope all is well. I miss Miranda, but understand it’s better this way. See ya.

“What the hell!” She sat on the edge of the bed, staring off into space. A summer sure had the power to change everything, and she wasn’t sure it was always for the best. Confused by her emotions, she didn’t love Tom at all, wasn’t even sure she liked him anymore. Several times since they’d split up, she’d seen him in his police car while she was on the streets, and all it did was annoy her. Why would she care he was getting married? She wasn’t even curious about who it was. She made a mental note that next Saturday, she’d be walking past his church with dark glasses and a trench coat on to catch a glimpse of the bride.

Thinking it was amazing she’d spent years of her life with a man and his unbelievably boring family, and not one of them would attempt to contact her or Miranda. Poor Miranda.

Thoughts switching gears, Pam entered her mind. What a hell of a weekend. She hardly saw the hostess. But the other guests had loads to say about her; even Sandra felt defensive and loyal when Jeff started in.

“She’s bent out of shape that I mentioned you and Jack to Jason,” Jeff had whispered to Sandra.

“Why would you?” she asked, annoyed.

“Well, it’s not like I was the only one who knew the story. Ted put his two cents in, too. He knew it from Ashton’s perspective. So why Jason had to blame it all on me, I’ll never know.”

“She tells people you are her
best friend
, Jeff,” Sandra replied. “One of the men she dated broke up with her because he was jealous of you.”

“That’s a lie!”

“No, it is not,” Sandra said, indignant. It was stretching the truth, but Dave was jealous of Jeff. “
You
ask her!” So now, Jeff had two people refusing to speak to him, adding to the general uncomfortable vibe in the house.

She spent the rest of the weekend schmoozing with Jason Bridges, flirting with him, saying things that would appeal to his ego, even playing footsie with him under the table. Not to try to break up Pam’s engagement, Sandra was just amusing herself at another woman’s cost, and unfortunately, it often was Pam who’d be targeted.

Lying back on the pillow, Sandra forgot she wanted to read from Marie’s diaries that night, falling asleep after midnight.

After Jason left, Pam picked up her phone and called Nelda’s number. “Did I wake you, Mother?”

“No, I’m awake,” she said. “Are you too lazy to walk six feet to my bedroom door?”

Pam laughed out loud. “No, I just didn’t want to disturb you know who.”

“Well, what do you want?”

Someone tapped her on the shoulder, and Pam screamed, throwing her phone in the air. It was Nelda with the phone still to her ear.

“Mother! For God’s sake, you just scared the shit out of me.”

“I guess you want me to help clean up this god-awful mess,” she said.

“Something like that. Actually, I need to be around you, if you don’t mind.”

Nelda looked at her daughter, concerned. “All those ingrates finally gettin’ to ya, huh?”

“Pretty much,” she replied. “I really think that was the last time. Even Dan wasn’t as annoying as Jeff.”

“Ugh, now that says a lot,” Nelda answered.

Pam told her what had happened with Jason, how he repeated what Jeff had said, and then the good-bye she’d witnessed in front of her house.