In My Shoes (2 page)

“Wow. Do you usually indulge your ego that
much?” I snipped.

“My ego? That’s funny. I’m indulging my ego,
yet here you are in front of me. And there you were in class making
a spectacle of yourself.”

“That had nothing to do with you, and it
certainly doesn’t make me a class clown. I just thought you seemed
like someone who would be nice to get to know, but forget it!”

She stood silent for a brief moment. “I’m
going to be late for my next class.” She slammed her locker, turned
away from me and walked out of sight. As she walked away, I swear I
heard her whisper “Loser.” Tell me she didn’t just call me a
loser.

Huh. Well, the good news is that was likely
the worst rejection I would face my entire life. The bad news…that
wasn’t really making me feel any better at this particular moment.
Fortunately, it didn’t seem as though anyone else was really paying
attention to the conversation. I wanted to crawl into a hole, but I
had a test waiting for me next period, and I was running late.
Yay.

I walked into Spanish and took my seat. I
didn’t have Mike and I didn’t have Nicole in this class, so
fortunately I would be left to my thoughts. Then again, I would be
left to my thoughts. I didn’t really want to think about anything
at the moment, but I was having a hard time not thinking about it.
I kept playing the conversation over and over in my head. Where did
I go wrong? It seemed like the conversation was going well enough
at first. Class clown. Of all of the things I’ve been in my life,
class clown was not one of them. She didn’t know the slightest
thing about me, and it was looking like she never would. How
depressing. I felt like my heart was sitting in my stomach.

Fortunately, my Spanish test was really easy.
Or, at least, it should have been. On a normal day, it probably
would have been a 20 minute test and I wouldn’t have missed any
questions. Today, it took all 55 minutes, and I probably missed two
questions. I’ll still get an A. I hope.

The bell rang and I headed to the cafeteria
for lunch. I could have sworn a couple of people looked at me and
laughed. Did they overhear our conversation? Worse yet, did she
tell them about the conversation? How could I have been so wrong
about her? I wasn’t even sad anymore, I was angry. Well, sad and
angry.

Mike came up and sat down next to me in the
cafeteria. “What, you’re not eating?” he said.

“I’m not hungry.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with
me
? At the moment,
you
are what’s wrong with me!”

“What’d I do?” he said defensively.

“Well let’s start with you making me jump in
third period for the sake of seeing me jump. Then, if you’d like we
could spend a little time talking about why you decided to trip me
on my way out of class?”

“I was just tryin’ to have a little fun.”

“Yes, but your fun was at my expense. Not
only did you embarrass me, but you helped me leave a lasting
impression on a girl I was hoping to ask out. Instead, she ripped
into me and called me a clown!”

“Wow,” he said meekly. “Dude, I’m real sorry.
I didn’t know you were going to ask her out today. I wasn’t trying
to kill your chances.”

I didn’t really know what to say next. He
looked really sorry. I blew out a sigh. “Look, I know you didn’t
mean for this to happen, but it didn’t need to happen. You need to
think about the things you do, Mike. You’re going to be graduating
high school this year. You have no idea what you want to do after
high school and your grades aren’t exactly college level.”

“You sound like my mother,” he snapped.

“The thing is Mike, you are probably smarter
than I am. You’re acing physics but you’re flunking basic math. I
mean, who does that?”

“I like physics. It’s cool.”

“Yes, but you don’t really have anything to
show for all your smarts. You hide behind jokes and pranks instead
of taking a chance on doing something…in fear you’ll fail.”

It was silent for about two minutes before he
got up suddenly. “I’m sorry about Nicole. I’ll see you later.”

I didn’t say anything about Nicole to Mike.
How did he know I was talking about her? Man, was it that obvious?
This day was getting worse by the moment. I’m telegraphing my moves
and I just hurt my best friend.

Truth be told, I’m not too worried about
Mike. What I said was true and it needed to be said. He’ll probably
be over it before I get over this deal with Nicole. I wanted to go
home, but I still had two periods to go.

I couldn’t have recalled a thing from fifth
or sixth period if my life depended on it. I was pretty sure I
showed up to class, but I was definitely on auto-pilot. Not like I
was in a love-lost coma, but more like participating while in deep
thought.

I headed home, still on auto-pilot. I didn’t
own a car, so usually I would get a ride from Mike. Today, I just
walked. I lived about four miles from the school. I could take the
bus, but I’ve never been a fan of the bus. Four miles wasn’t that
far, especially when you had thoughts to process.

It’s not like I’ve crushed on every girl in
school, or even every pretty girl in school. I’m somewhat picky.
Nicole is beautiful, but that’s not the main reason I was attracted
to her. She is very smart. She is one of the top students in the
classes we share. She’s serious, but she never seems too serious.
When she laughs it’s contagious. Today seemed completely out of
character for her. Or was it me. Either way, I wasn’t sure where to
go from here.

I wandered for the better part of an hour
before I arrived home. My mom wouldn’t make it home for a few
hours. She got off at five o’clock and I would usually have dinner
ready for her on Thursdays. There aren’t a lot of things that I can
make, but there are a few. Actually, my mother appreciates just not
having to worry about coming home from work and cooking. I try to
cook for her a few times a week. Tonight was spaghetti. I needed to
start boiling the pasta at five thirty to have it ready by the time
she got home, and I needed to have my homework done by then. After
dinner, I wanted to go straight to bed. I don’t usually go to bed
until about ten or eleven o’clock, but I was ready to put this day
behind me.

My mom walked in the door at about five
forty-five. She always greets me with a smile, but I can still tell
when she’s tired. She looked exhausted.

My mother is pretty, but she is very simple.
I don’t mean that in a bad way. She just chooses not to be flashy.
She always dresses appropriately, but she doesn’t own anything
fancy. She usually wears little to no makeup. She has brown eyes
that have bags under them today. When she’s tired, they tend to
look half open. Her hair has gradually darkened over the years,
from a dirty blonde, to almost a medium brown color. She wears it
almost shoulder length, and usually parted on the left, combed over
her right and tucked behind her ear. She doesn’t eat much, mainly
because the budget doesn’t allow it, and her exercise routine
consists mainly of running around the office she works at as an
administrative secretary. All things considered, she’s in pretty
good shape. She and I have the same straight nose, but I can only
imagine I look more like my father.

“Dinner’s almost ready. How was your day?” I
asked her.

“It was good, but it seemed like it was never
going to end. One of the secretaries under me called in sick, and
we were already spread thin with the project we were working on. My
boss seemed to be in a particularly bad mood today, but he was in
meetings this afternoon, and I didn’t have to be there. So I was
able to use the last half of the day to catch up. I’m starved,
though. I worked through lunch.”

“You need to stop doing that,” I said. “You
don’t really eat enough as it is. Didn’t you take a sandwich with
you? You don’t even have to heat that up!”

“I know. I’ll do better, but I just get
caught up in things and the time gets away.”

I looked at her, feeling more like the parent
than the son at the moment. “It’s just that, it doesn’t sound like
anyone there is looking out for you, so you need to make sure that
you do. I’ve only got one mother. I want to keep you around.” She
didn’t say anything after that. I tried to lighten the mood by
giving my sincerest smile. She smiled back and started eating.

This was not a normal conversation for us. I
wasn’t in the habit of telling her what to do, and I’m not usually
this much of a downer. I mean, it’s not like I’m wispy, or say a
class clown, but I do try to be positive and enjoy my life. I take
pride on being able to deal with every challenge that comes my way.
Today just felt a little heavier than usual. Tomorrow I may be able
to put it into perspective, but today it felt like it was more than
a little rejection. When you feel like you know what someone is
like, and you get blind-sided like that, it tends to leave a mark.
Nicole is someone I could really see myself being with. I felt like
something had ended before it even had a chance to begin.

I was suddenly lost in thought. Five minutes
passed in silence, before my mother looked up and said, “I didn’t
even ask you about your day. Did you have a good day?”

“It was okay,” I said. I didn’t make eye
contact and she noticed.

“What happened? Was Mike getting on your
nerves today?”

“You could say that.”

“Tell me. I can’t help if you don’t let me
know what goes on in your life.”

“It’s nothing, really. I…I tried talking to a
girl today. I thought it was going well, but all of a sudden she
was yelling at me and calling me a class clown.”

“Why would she call you a class clown?” she
asked. “You’re not a class clown. Were you being silly in
class?”

“No, it was a little bit of a
misunderstanding. I was daydreaming a little, and Mike startled me.
I jumped and the whole class noticed. Then, as I was leaving, Mike
tripped me. She noticed both times and now she thinks I’m a clown.
And…I think she called me a loser.”

“Sweetie, you are not a loser,” she
reassured. “You are an amazing young man. You are handsome, and
smart and a good person.”

“Thanks, mom, but all mothers tell their kids
that.”

“Only the good mothers,” she said with a
smile. “Every parent should feel that way about their kids, but
that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. You have so much to offer, and I
am very proud of you.” She walked over and kissed me on the
forehead.

“Now, I’m not condoning what this girl said,
and I don’t know anything about her, but she may have been having a
bad day. It’s easy to be angry at her, but you’ll be happier if you
forgive her and move on.”

I knew she was trying to help, but she wasn’t
there, and she didn’t see how Nicole treated me. I smiled at her.
“Thanks.”

“As for Michael,” she continued, “that boy
has way too much time on his hands. What that boy has going on in
his head sometimes…” she said, shaking her head. “He has no
business tripping you in class. His sense of humor needs to be
reeled in a bit. I’m glad you have better common sense than he
does. I know he’s not a bad kid, really, but he needs to start
thinking about his future.”

“I said just about the same thing to him
today.”

“Good,” she said. “He listens to you. Maybe
you’ll help straighten that boy out yet.”

I didn’t know what to say. She was right, but
I didn’t really want to have this conversation with my mother.
Maybe it was my mood but I think that, even in the best of moods, I
wouldn’t want to discuss the fault list of my best friend with my
mother. True or not. “I’m going to do the dishes and then I’m going
to head up to bed.”

She looked at me, so sadly, with her forehead
crinkled up. “I’ll do the dishes. Get some rest. You’ll feel better
in the morning.” She paused for a moment, and then added, “Don’t
let this girl get you down. She’s one girl. If she doesn’t
appreciate you, someone else will.”

“Thanks mom,” I said, with my best fake
smile. I said good night and turned and left the room.

I went to the bathroom, washed up, brushed my
teeth and went to my room. In my room, I undressed, turned out the
lights and crawled under my covers. I felt so beaten down that I
thought I would be asleep in no time. There I was, though, staring
at the dark ceiling an hour later.

You know, when you’re a kid you learn lots of
sayings to help you cope with the cruel things other kids can do.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt
me.” In the end, that’s not really true. Well, sticks and stones
may break my bones, but names hurt, too. More specifically, names
hurt when cast by people you care about, in one way or another. I
don’t really know Nicole that well, but I obviously care enough
that her words hurt.

Tomorrow I will need to get over this, but
tonight I couldn’t help dwelling on it a little more. I guess
that’s my way of getting over things. I like to really think about
something, go over all of the scenarios, try to resolve it in my
mind and then move on. That’s where I am right now. Trying to
resolve it in my mind.

If Mike hadn’t made me jump, and if he hadn’t
tripped me, would the result have been different with Nicole?
Maybe. Well, probably. At the very least, she wouldn’t have called
me a class clown. Nothing has happened prior to today, in any of
our classes, that would have given her reason to think I’m a
goof-off.

Would that really have made a difference,
though? Probably not. She said she had already been asked out twice
today, and she seemed pretty bothered by the way those
conversations had gone. I don’t really get it. I would be flattered
to have anyone ask me out. To have three people ask me out in the
same day…wow!

Anyway, she obviously was bothered by it. If
Mike hadn’t tripped me, she probably would have said no, but maybe
she would have been nicer about it. Then again, maybe not.