In the Line of Duty (13 page)

His face was a mask. There was no emotion on it as he stared at her. “How are you going to explain Jason to them when they’re older?” he asked. “Sugarcoat what he did? How he died? How can you do that? There was far more risk in his job than there is in mine.”

She sucked in a sharp breath. Not that long ago she’d been comparing them, too. “It’s not the same,” she said stiffly, and Matt shook his head.

He moved closer, close enough she could have kissed him if she was brave enough. The fact she wanted to kiss him, take all this pain and anger and spin it out into something beautiful, caught her off guard, and she almost flinched away from him.

His tone was hard. “This isn’t about me. It’s not even about Jason. It’s about you, and how you are too scared to live your life the way you should in case something goes wrong. It’s about you trying to control and micromanage those boys to pieces. Already both are showing signs of their daddy’s personality. Are you going to shut that down in them? How do you think you can do that, without them resenting the hell out of you for it?”

“I’m going to protect them!” she shouted. “That’s what mothers do. Protect their kids from harm and danger. That is what I’m doing. And you have no right to tell me I’m wrong. No right at all.” Her eyes blazed as she poked him in the chest with her finger.

His eyes narrowed as he caught her left hand. He ran the rough pad of his thumb over the place her rings had been. He looked at her, shock and regret on his face, and she wished with her whole heart she’d left them on, left up that last barrier, because she’d opened herself to emotional destruction. For a moment, there was a flash of strong feeling on his face, then the hard mask was back. He dropped her hand and she felt the loss of contact keenly.

“You’re right,” he said flatly. “I don’t have the right to tell you what to do. But you don’t have the right to impose your fears on your kids, either. That’s exactly what you’re doing. And you refuse to see it.” He moved around her into the house, not touching her, not making eye contact. Her skin prickled in that way it did when he was near, like electricity dancing over her skin. She suppressed the unwelcome little shiver that followed the feeling. Even now, even angry as she was at him, she still responded to him. It was infuriating. Aldo, who’d been waiting on the other side of the door, apparently sensed the tension flowing between them, because he gave a little whine and nudged her hand, then padded after Matt.

She stood there in the doorway and watched them go, pain and fury mingling with something else, a suspicion that she was on the verge of ruining something hard-won and precious. She fought down the tears and dropped her head on her hands. She’d get out of here tomorrow. She’d call Bill to be sure her place was livable enough, with the tarp on the roof, and if so, they’d go home. If not, they’d go to Maureen and Joe’s, despite the inconvenience. Callie couldn’t stay here any longer.

She got herself under control and entered the house quietly. With nowhere else to go, she went to sit on the couch, noting that Matt’s bedroom door was closed. Part of her wanted to chase him, but she knew she was right to take this stand.

She was right to protect her kids at any cost. There was no doubt there. They could get hurt in too many ways from too many things, and they needed her to stand between them and those things. That’s all she was doing. She wasn’t wrong. Matt didn’t understand, because he hadn’t ever had the kind of loss she had. The point was, while they were so small she could control what they were exposed to, and she would.

Laughter from the rear bedroom made her shut her eyes and sit back on the couch. She pressed her fingers between her eyebrows and fought the tears. She was doing what she thought was best for her children by keeping them safe. It wasn’t always going to be pretty, and they wouldn’t always like it, but that was part of parenting. And doing it alone was that much harder. There was no one to lean on, to back her up.

Matt’s face flashed in her mind. She winced. He hadn’t backed her up. He’d encouraged her son to do something dangerous, and didn’t seem to fully understand her justification for being so upset. He’d argued that it was just what kids did. That they got hurt all the time.

Well, okay, maybe. But not her kids. Not as long as she had any say.

But for how long would she have that say? They’d grow up all too quickly and, as Matt had warned, resent her bitterly for suppressing their adventurous sides....

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

M
ATT
FOUND
HIMSELF
at work the next day with a grumpy Brice and a hovering Marley.

Brice’s arm was wrapped and splinted. “He wouldn’t stay home,” Marley said, concern and annoyance layered in her tone.

“What am I going to do at home? I stayed home yesterday,” he said irritably, and she lifted an eyebrow.

“Take it easy?” she suggested in a sugar-sweet tone that made Matt think this wasn’t the first time they’d had this particular conversation. Or even the second. When Brice didn’t answer, only scowled, she threw her arms up. “Men are such babies. I’m going for coffee.”

She grabbed her purse and swept out the door. Amused, Matt turned to study his friend. “Maybe I should go back home. Give you guys some space to fight.”

Brice scowled. “It’s a broken arm. Not a huge deal. Just wait till you get hooked into this whole thing.”

Matt chose to misunderstand his friend’s meaning. He wasn’t getting hooked into anything, not after his blowup with Callie. “I don’t plan on falling off my bike and breaking any bones.”

“Hah.” Brice shook his head. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. I’m talking about Callie.”

“I’m not,” he said, keeping his tone mild even as he thought of her anger and fear and all the issues that stood between them. “There’s nothing that’s going to happen there.” Yet she’d taken off her rings. Why? Did it mean she had feelings for him? He knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t have removed them without a great deal of thought.

“Why not?”

Matt shoved his hands in his pockets. Where did he begin? There were so many reasons, it was impossible to know which one was the deal breaker.

“She isn’t interested in a guy who takes risks for a living,” he said finally, because that summed it up the best. “And I can’t do anything else. So—” he shrugged as if it didn’t matter, as if it wasn’t eating him up inside that she’d taken her rings off “—that’s that.”

“That’s crazy,” Brice said flatly.

“It is what it is,” Matt said, trying to pretend he wasn’t torn up by the thought of Callie not being in his life. Of losing the boys. Not just because of his connection to Jason, although that was part of it. But because he really and truly liked all of them, liked Callie.

Maybe far more than that, but going there was too painful. So he wouldn’t even try. He’d worked hard to keep his heart out of this. He strongly suspected he’d failed miserably and that was why this hurt so damn bad.

Brice set his casted arm on the table with a thump and a wince. “So that’s it? You’ll just let her walk away?”

Since his friend wasn’t going to drop it, Matt gave in. “I don’t see any other choice. I let Eli climb a tree and she went crazy. You fell off your bike and it just cemented in how dangerous my life is. All the precautions, all the safety equipment in the world isn’t enough.” Because it hadn’t saved Jason. And she was so terrified of something happening she couldn’t control, she’d gone too far the opposite way. Matt got that. Really, he did. “She can’t handle any kind of risk. She tries to control every possible thing, and that’s just not rational.” Bottom line, it wasn’t any way to have a relationship. She’d be in a constant state of fear, and he didn’t want that. For any of them, but especially the boys.

“I know you don’t want my advice. But I’m giving it to you anyway. Don’t let her get away. She needs you, Matt. Those kids need you. I almost let Marley go, remember?” Brice shook his head. “I can’t even imagine being so stupid. But I was.”

Matt stared at the ceiling. “This isn’t the same. I don’t know how to make her see that what she’s doing is making things harder for herself and the boys. She’s not even speaking to me and we live in the same house.” For now. It wouldn’t shock him to find she’d moved out by the end of the day. She’d probably called Bill last night to see if her place was livable. If it wasn’t, she’d probably go to Maureen and Joe’s. Either way, she’d run. Matt had totally blown it.

Brice opened his mouth to speak, and he shook his head. “There’s nothing to say. Thanks, though. I appreciate the ear.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Brice declared, and when Matt looked at him sharply he saw his friend was serious. “It had to be said. You’ve got all the signs of being one. So don’t do it.”

“Don’t do what?” Marley asked as she came through the door, cardboard coffee-holder in hand. Matt shook his head, but Brice said, “Be stupid about Callie.”

Marley removed one of the cups from the holder and handed it to her husband, then another, which she handed to Matt. “Are you in danger of being stupid about her?”

He took the cup. “No.”

“Yes,” countered Brice. Marley nodded.

“Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You’re in love with her, but hiding your feelings behind her husband. She’s scared, but she has reason to be.” Marley took a sip of her coffee and shrugged at Matt’s shock. “You’re so easy to read. What are you going to do about it?”

It took him a second to sort through everything she’d said. “I’m not hiding behind Jason.” Actually, he’d intended to deny he was in love with Callie. Why hadn’t he?

“Aren’t you?” Marley’s eyes were implacable. Matt sent a
save me
look to Brice, who just shook his head, a small grin on his face. She continued on. “You’re trying to filter all this through Jason. What would he want? What would he want you to do? Would he be okay with this relationship? But what matters is, what does Callie want? What do you want? This relationship is about you and her, not her and Jason, or you and Jason.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not in love with her,” Matt said shortly, and turned to walk away. What was Marley talking about, hiding behind Jason? He wasn’t doing that. There was no way to make it work, even if they wanted to—and Callie had been clear she didn’t want that. Even though she’d taken her rings off, it wasn’t enough to overcome the fact that he’d wrecked the situation by being cavalier with Eli’s safety, as she saw it.

“Oh, yes you are,” he heard Marley say, but her tone wasn’t smug this time. It was sad. Brice said something, but Matt didn’t catch it as he closed his office door. He sank down behind the desk and stared at the computer, not seeing it. Not seeing anything but Callie’s stricken face when she’d spotted Eli in the tree. Or when she’d finally decided what Matt did for a living made him too reckless and dangerous, and he wasn’t the man for her.

Seeing her bare ring finger.

He shut his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. Funny how he hadn’t been even remotely this torn up when his fiancée had dumped him. He’d been almost relieved then. Now, he felt actual physical pain over a loss of someone—three someones, to be exact—he’d never had any kind of claim to in the first place.

* * *

“You’re moving out today?” Lori asked. She arched a brow. “Hmm. What happened?”

“Nothing,” Callie said. The lie was ash on her tongue. “It’s just time. I’d like to get it done before he comes home.” She’d managed to avoid him this morning—or rather, he’d avoided her. He’d been gone before she’d gotten up. She’d heard him, but decided not to face him.

Call her a coward. She would fully own up to that.

Lori examined her. “The house is ready? I thought the roof and attic still needed work?”

Callie examined her station, rearranging things that were perfectly fine where they were. “Turns out I can live with that.”

Lori made a little noise and Callie met her eyes, finally. “It’s just time, Lori.” When her friend stayed quiet, she added, “We disagree over some very key things.” The memory made her heart hurt. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to have him around the boys.”

“What?” Lori drew back. “Why not?”

She wondered how to explain this. Straightforward seemed the best option. “He takes unnecessary chances.”

“Okay,” her friend said carefully. “Define unnecessary.”

Callie frowned. She shouldn’t have to. It was clear to her. “Look at him, Lori. The bikes, where his friend got hurt. The white-water rafting. He let Eli climb a tree. He does all these things that are dangerous, and that’s a bad example for the boys.”

Understanding lit Lori’s eyes. “Does he ignore the safety precautions?”

Callie drew back. Lori was supposed to be on her side. “I—well, no. Not that I know of. But the point is those things aren’t entirely safe.” Why was this clear only to her?

“Neither is driving your van every day,” Lori pointed out. “But you buckle those boys in their seats and take them anyway, right? What about your house? The tree fell on it and you could all have been inside. The point is, everything, every day, carries risk. You can’t hide from it.” Her voice softened. “And I know how hard you’ve tried, honey.”

Tears pricked Callie’s eyes. “Wanting my kids to be safe isn’t hiding,” she pointed out, feeling a little betrayed by Lori’s words. “It’s being responsible.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “It is. And you are very responsible. But you are also so wrapped up in fear that you’ve taken it way too far. You won’t let anyone in, and you won’t let the kids out. What happened to Jason was awful,” she said, her voice softer. “No one blames you for being gun-shy. No one. But you’ve got to move past the fear. Jason wouldn’t want this. He loved his job and wouldn’t have changed it, even knowing what might happen. He’d want you guys to live your lives to the fullest. That may or may not include having another man in your life, Callie—only time will tell. But sheltering your boys like you do only hurts them in the long run. Not to mention, to the kids, it makes anything you define as risky behavior even more attractive.”

Callie stood perfectly still. Lori’s words echoed Matt’s, and as it had then, the truth of them unwittingly worked its way in. “I don’t know how anymore.” The admission was wrenching. She didn’t. She hadn’t meant to lock them up in a tower away from the world. She’d only meant to be sure they were safe, and as time went on, and she’d focused so much on the risks Jason had taken, on the risks of his profession, she’d simply lost sight of the bigger picture.

But there were more risks in life than just the physical kind. The emotional ones were just as daunting. She wasn’t sure she could open up like that, and take those chances again, if the outcome might be devastation.

Then again, what if it wasn’t? There was no way to know. And living in fear wasn’t honoring the memory of her incredibly brave husband.

“You’re not wearing your rings,” Lori said suddenly. She lifted her eyes, and Callie saw the emotion in her friend’s gaze. “Callie. You took them off.”

Callie looked down at her bare hand, still feeling the loss. She’d gotten so used to them, not wearing them felt weird, but not wrong. “I decided it was time.” She stood behind that decision, even though things hadn’t worked out with Matt.

“Oh, honey.” Lori shook her head. “Does Matt know you are in love with him?”

Callie sucked in a breath as the words pinged around in her head.
In. Love. With. Matt.
“I’m not.” Could she be? After so long without Jason, thinking there was nothing more for her, had she gone and fallen in love with Matt?

Of course not. He was all wrong for her.

She lifted her eyes to Lori’s and saw understanding there. “You’ve got some things to figure out,” her friend said quietly. “But running away won’t change any of it.”

* * *

Callie packed up their stuff quickly and efficiently, trying not to hear Lori’s words over and over on a loop in her brain.
In love with Matt.
Not possible.

She forced her attention back to the task at hand. It was going to take a couple trips—the pans were unwieldy—but she’d get it all out of here in less than an hour. She was tempted to leave the key on the table, but that was the ultimate cowardly move, and while she was definitely a coward, she at least owed him the face-to-face key return after he’d put them up for so long.

She turned up the heat at her place, vacuumed up the construction dust and set up the boys’ bedroom. The tidying kept her busy and her mind off the hard kernel of pain in her chest that seemed to expand every time she thought of Matt.

Which happened with every other breath.

She hauled all her stuff home and dumped it in the newly cleaned living room. She had to head back to work, so there was no time to unpack anything, but she’d get to it when she got home after work.

The kids wouldn’t be happy, but this was for their own good, she reminded herself as she drove to the salon. Not that Matt would ever hurt them, but he wasn’t a good role model. They’d see him reveling in dangerous activities and would want to do the same. She couldn’t have that. They had to come first.

But the thoughts were hollow. Somehow, she wasn’t convinced anymore. Her plan had been so simple—keep them safe and sheltered, and keep her own heart safe and sheltered, too. Just navigate as a small family through their childhoods, until they were old enough to take care of themselves. It seemed simple enough.

Well, except life wasn’t simple, and if anyone knew that, it was Callie. She’d clung to her plan—still did, to some extent—because it let her think she had some control over things she really didn’t.

Such as her kids’ hearts. And, apparently, her own.

Tears stung her eyes. It didn’t really matter now. She’d made her choice to go it alone, and she’d make it work, but with the understanding that she’d been too simplistic. Her eyes were open now.

But something was missing. Something that had been within her grasp. Not what she’d had with Jason—not exactly. No, this was different. Something had been growing, and it’d been cut off the last couple of days when she’d realized she couldn’t take Matt as he was.

And she couldn’t change him. She wouldn’t ask; it wasn’t fair. That wasn’t how it worked.

* * *

“Wait, Mom, why are we going here?” Eli asked that evening, suspicion lacing his voice as they walked up the steps to their house. Liam dragged his feet so hard Callie had to pick him up and carry him.

“Because there’s no reason to stay over at Matt’s anymore,” she said, forcing cheer into her voice. “Ours is almost ready and our house misses us. Don’t you guys miss your room? Your own beds and all your toys?” She was playing the bribe card, no doubt about it. Sad to say, she wasn’t above it if it would smooth the transition.