In the Line of Duty (14 page)

“Yeah,” Eli said. “But I wanna go to Matt’s. Why can’t we take all our stuff there?”

Callie’s heart froze. She should have known they’d get attached to him. Now they were getting hurt. Just as she’d known they would.

“Because this is our house,” she said firmly. “We live here. You can visit Matt and Aldo.” She hoped. “If they’re not too busy,” she added.

Liam started to cry, and Eli wasn’t far behind. Callie wanted to weep right with them, but it wasn’t an option. “Okay, guys, come here.” She tried to hug them, but Eli wouldn’t let her.

“You made him mad,” he accused. “You made us leave.” His voice spiraled up. “I love Matt. And I hate you!” he shouted, and ran down the hall to his room. She could hear him sobbing and wailing, and she shut her eyes. His words ripped at her heart. She wasn’t sure what was more upsetting—him loving Matt or saying he hated her.

The hate was temporary. But the love was another matter altogether. She couldn’t have that.

When she opened her eyes, Liam was looking from her to the direction of Eli’s noise in dismay. She tried to smile, but from the expression on her baby’s face she knew she’d failed miserably.

“It will be okay,” she said. Liam didn’t appear convinced, and frankly, neither was she. Standing up to go talk to Eli, she saw Matt pull in across the street. Her van was in her own driveway; the lights were on. His own house was dark. He looked from his place to hers and she figured he’d realized what had happened. Guilt and something more pooled in her stomach, turning it sour.

She kissed Liam on the head. “I’ve got to give something to Mr. Matt. I’ll be right back. Do you want to stand on the porch so you can see me?”

Liam nodded, so they both went outside.

Matt saw her and waited, but his face was a mask as she hurried up to him. Her whole body trembled, almost as if she was cold. His eyes were completely unreadable and her stomach sank. What had she expected?

“I’ve got your key,” she said, then realized she was gripping it so tightly it was biting into her skin. He held his hand out and she dropped it in his palm, her fingers shaking slightly. “Thank you for letting us stay. I—” She looked up and met his gaze, and just for a second saw the pain there, before the mask dropped back into place.

She cleared her throat and continued, her voice a little rough. “I just think it’s best we’re back home and out of your hair.”

He pocketed the key. “You’re welcome.” His voice was completely devoid of emotion and it made her wince inside. “But running away doesn’t solve anything, Callie.”

She stiffened. “I’m not running. I’m getting us out of your way.”

He just looked at her. “Sure you are.”

It started to rain then, and Callie stood there in the driveway, barely feeling the cold drops mix with the hot tears she couldn’t hold back any longer as Matt walked away from her, not looking back. She tried to ignore the feeling that she was making a horrible mistake.

* * *

She got Eli calmed down and the kids settled in. She made microwave popcorn, which was a treat, and sat with them to watch a short show on the TV she’d moved out from her bedroom. Both boys were subdued, but Eli no longer seemed angry with her. It was a start, and given how emotionally exhausted she was at the moment, she’d take it. If there were more tears tonight she thought she’d just curl up in the corner and cry herself into a little husk of misery.

Or eat a gallon of ice cream.

After tucking them into bed she sat in her own living room and just felt—sad. Empty. There was none of the relief and lightness she’d hoped to experience. Just the heavy feeling something was terribly wrong. The rain fell outside, a steady thrum on the roof and against the new window. She curled up on the couch and didn’t really see what was on the TV. She would put away their stuff tomorrow. Right now she was too exhausted even to move down the hall to her own bed.

She was afraid Eli had been right—they all were in love with Matt. And if so, she’d walked right into the trap she’d been trying so hard to avoid, and landed smack in the morass of pain she’d vowed she’d never feel again.

* * *

Matt stared out the window at Callie’s house, peering through the rain. Aldo kept padding down the hall to the empty spare bedroom and coming back out, sitting down and frowning at him as if asking,
What the hell did you do?

It was a valid question, even from a dog, who was clearly smarter than he was. Matt knew exactly what he’d done. He’d scared Callie away. He’d let himself believe—just for a few days—that he could have a place in their lives, even as a friend.

Now he knew better. She was so shut down, she didn’t know which way was up, or how to get out of it if she wanted to.

He wasn’t sure she even wanted to.

He wasn’t the guy to show her, with his crazy lifestyle. He didn’t know anything else. But he did know it wasn’t good enough. Would she let him see the boys? Or had she decided he was too much of a danger to be around them at all?

His thoughts just circled and made him feel worse.

Her TV was on, but the rest of the house was dark. Was she having trouble sleeping, too? Or was she secure in her own truth that she’d done the right thing?

He thought of her stricken face when he’d turned away from her today. No, she wasn’t. But it gave him no pleasure to know it.

He yanked his curtains closed and flopped onto the couch. Tonight would no doubt be a sleepless one. But he wasn’t going to spend it thinking about her and what had gone wrong. Nope, he was done with that. He popped open another beer and turned on a basketball game he didn’t remotely care about. Aldo made another circuit down the hall and back, then lay on the floor near him with a sigh and rolled his sad gaze up to Matt.

He knew what the old boy was feeling. He lifted the beer and toasted the dog. “It’s you and me now, boy.”

Aldo just shut his eyes.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

C
ALLIE
MANAGED
TO
AVOID
any sight of Matt for a few days. When she told Maureen she’d moved back in her house, even with the roof and attic not quite finished—and it had taken a lot more effort than it should have to convey it as a good thing—there was the oddest of pauses.

“Why?” her mother-in-law finally asked.

Caught off guard more by her tone than the actual question, Callie scrambled for an answer. “Well, because it was time. There’s no reason not to be back here,” she stated, echoing what she’d already said. Maybe if she repeated it enough she’d believe it herself. “We needed more space.” Not just physical. Emotional. She wasn’t getting that, even with Matt across the street. She seemed to feel his presence, or lack of it, all too keenly.

So were the boys.

“There’s nothing...nothing between you and Matt?” Again with the careful tone, with the note of—what? Callie wasn’t sure. Maureen didn’t sound disapproving, but she couldn’t possibly be disappointed, could she? That didn’t make sense.

Even though she couldn’t see her, Callie shook her head vigorously. “Oh, no. Of course not,” she assured her mother-in-law, but she tasted the lie on her tongue. The real answer was
yes.
But since it—whatever
it
was—was over before it had even gotten off the ground, so to speak, she saw no reason in going there.

Maureen’s sigh was audible over the connection. “That’s too bad.”

Callie nearly dropped the phone. Whatever she’d expected to hear from her, it wasn’t that. “What? It is? Why?” Maybe she’d heard wrong.

“I can’t think of anyone who’d take better care of you and those precious boys than Matt Bowden,” Maureen said firmly. “He’s a wonderful man, and frankly, Callie, I think Jason would have approved.”

Callie stared out the window. “I—I don’t know what to say,” she admitted finally. She would never have thought that Maureen and Joe would be okay with her getting involved with another man, much less a friend of their son’s. They didn’t see it as a betrayal of his memory?

“You don’t have to say anything, Callie. We wish—” her voice caught, then picked up speed “—we wish with all our hearts that our son was here. But he’s not. You are, and the boys are. You deserve a full and happy life. I can’t help but think—of all the places in the world Matt could have moved, it was across the street from you. I don’t think that was coincidence. I think this is Jason’s way of saying you should finally move on.”

Tears streamed down Callie’s face. She couldn’t have held them back if she’d wanted to. She heard them in Maureen’s voice, too. “Maureen. I’m just not sure.” She tipped her head up and swiped at her eyes with her free hand, to no avail. “He’s not safe. He’s such a risk taker.”

“Like Jason,” Maureen finished, and the understanding in her tone had Callie sinking in a chair.

“No. Yes.” Callie squeezed her eyes shut. “He let Eli climb a tree. He went for a bike ride and his friend got hurt, despite all their talk about not running unnecessary risks. I can’t take the chance.”

“Of what?”

“Going through this again,” Callie whispered. Was that wrong? To not want to feel that soul-sucking pain again?

“Oh, honey, there are no guarantees in life. Ever. He could be an accountant who works at home, with no contact with people whatsoever, and then fall down the stairs on his way to do laundry. Tell me this. Would you trade any of the time you had with Jason? Even if you’d known how it would end?”

“Of course not.” She wouldn’t trade one second of any of it.

“Then I have to ask, why are you fighting it with Matt? Why run the risk—and it is a big one you are taking, Callie—of being alone, with no one, for the sake of not getting hurt? Is being lonely worth it? I can’t tell you what to do. Maybe it wouldn’t work out anyway, but I saw how he looked at you. And,” she added softly, “I saw how you looked at him. Are you in love with him, Callie?”

Callie pressed her hand to her mouth, the tears starting afresh. She knew it was true. Knew it was foolish to deny it anymore.

Maureen continued. “Don’t say anything now. But think about it. I believe you owe it to yourself to think it through. Just so you know, Joe and I will support you whatever road you take in the future. We love you and want you to be happy. We know that could—should—involve a relationship with another man. We don’t get to pick him for you, Callie, but if we could, it’d be Matt.”

Callie hung up feeling as if she’d been run over by a semi. Twice. She hadn’t been looking for Maureen’s blessing, but felt a lightening in her heart to know that her in-laws were behind her and would honor her and her choices.

She’d been blind. In so many ways.

And yes, she was in love with Matt.

She sank onto the floor. Oh, God.

Did he love her, too? Could she put her heart on the line after how hard she’d tried to push him away? Did she have a choice?

The answer to that was easy. Of course she had a choice. There was always a choice. She could continue to hide and run, and pull her unwilling kids along in her wake, or she could stand up and face these fears and maybe get some semblance of her life back.

It’d never be the same. It wouldn’t be the life she’d planned. But to get a second chance at something like this was precious, and she needed to make sure she didn’t waste it.

Now all she had to do was convince Matt.

* * *

The next day dragged. Callie was pretty sure the clock even stopped a few times, just to aggravate her. She thought she might get whiplash from glancing at it almost constantly. She wasn’t completely sure what she was more nervous about: realizing what her feelings were, wondering how Matt felt or deciding that she needed to tell him.

It all added up to a potent brew of sheer raw nerves in her belly.

But she had so much to say to him, and knew she had to talk to him. She owed him, after her behavior earlier. Besides, she couldn’t go on in the half-life of loving him and hiding from him. And her kids needed this settled, as well, however it worked out. She and Matt were adults and could act accordingly.

It was a huge risk, putting her heart out there. But the potential rewards were sweet, and life changing for her and the boys. She already knew, even if it all fell through, that she was strong enough to survive.

She hadn’t said anything to them yet, wanting to be sure... Well, wanting to be sure. If it didn’t work out, she didn’t want them to be crushed. Maureen hadn’t sounded surprised that morning when Callie had called and asked if she and Joe could take the boys overnight. Her mother-in-law had sounded overjoyed when she’d said they’d be delighted to, even though Callie hadn’t said why she needed them to. She hadn’t been able to say the words. It was still too private. And maybe it was a way to protect herself in case it all went wrong.

Callie hoped now, several hours later, that Maureen’s optimism wasn’t unfounded.

Lori smiled at her when they were finally closing up. “Even though you keep denying it, I know you are up to something, girl. Spill. Is it Matt? Did you come to your senses?”

Her blunt assessment made Callie laugh, then just as quickly sober up again. “I don’t know. I’ve decided that I need to talk to him, because what I did and how I handled things wasn’t right. Or rational. And he didn’t deserve it. How it will go is anyone’s guess.” She tried to smile, but the butterflies were growing bigger by the minute.

Lori pulled her in for a tight hug. “So you’re going to go for it. Good for you. You deserve this, honey. Let me know how it goes.” She added a wink as she pulled back. “On Monday, after a weekend of making up with him, of course.”

Callie laughed again, but Lori’s words brought up a memory of Matt kissing her, and her body gave an unconscious little shiver. Yes, she’d like that. Very much.

She got into her van, but didn’t head right home. She’d let Colleen know she’d be a few minutes late. There was something she had to do before she went any further.

Callie pulled into the cemetery and parked. She took a deep breath and got out. The walk to Jason’s grave wasn’t far.

She paused on the windswept hill, her eyes on the granite marker in front of her. “
Jason Joseph Marshall,”
read the stone, with his dates inscribed as well.

“Loving son, husband, father.”

He’d been all that, and so much more. And now she needed to let part of him go. Callie stood there, head bowed against the wind, eyes damp, but feeling a slowly growing sense of peace.

She hadn’t asked any questions, but had her answer.

“Thank you,” she whispered to the wind, and kissed her fingers, pressing them to the headstone, letting them linger on the cold granite. “I’ll always love you. And our boys will know you. I promise.”

She turned and walked back to her car. The rest of her life began now.

* * *

The boys were happy to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s again. Since Maureen and Joe were going to treat them to dinner at a restaurant, Callie didn’t feed them on the way. In the parking lot, she kissed and hugged them, and then Maureen and Joe, too.

“Good luck,” Maureen whispered. “He’s a smart boy. He’ll understand.”

“I hope so,” she murmured.

The drive back home seemed to take twice as long as the trip there. By the time she arrived, she was shaking and ready to just go hide with that gallon of ice cream she kept threatening herself with.

If he turned her down, she’d go get a carton of rocky road. Tonight. And she’d eat the whole thing.

Not really heartened by that particular prospect, she pulled in her driveway. His house was still dark. She’d noticed he wasn’t coming home as early as he had when she and the boys were there, and wondered if he was trying to avoid her, too.

Of course he was. After what she’d done to him? She didn’t blame him.

She let herself into the house, turned on a couple lights. She couldn’t possibly eat, she was so nervous. She tried to do some cleaning, but kept staring out the window at Matt’s house. This was so important. What if she screwed it up?

She gave up trying to do anything, and paced around her living room, rehearsing out loud what she wanted to say. Making sure she hit all the points, that she got it right. So she’d sound smooth, not incoherent and nervous.

Which she was. Terribly.

Finally he pulled into his driveway. She slipped her shoes on and was halfway out the door when another car pulled in behind him. She faltered on the steps, ready to go back into her house. But when Matt turned, she knew he saw her standing there. Even from across the street, his pain mirrored hers, and was nearly palpable. She lifted a hand, and he said something to the occupants of the car—Marley had gotten out—and strode over to Callie. She watched him come, his long stride, his erect bearing indicating his military history, and those intense ice-blue eyes fixed on her as if she were his prey.

Oh, my.
It made her joints go liquid.

She seemed to be frozen to the spot, but as he approached she managed to unstick herself enough to make it down the stairs. He stopped just out of her reach, but close enough she could catch his scent. And see the wariness in his gaze. She wanted to curl into him, tell him she was sorry.

“Everything okay?” he asked, and his voice made her nerves trip.

She could only stare at him, drink him in. God, how she loved him. He must have seen something in her face, because he moved a little closer.

“Callie?”

“No,” she blurted, all her carefully rehearsed words falling away. She couldn’t have remembered them if her life depended on it. She had to make him see, and quickly, before she lost him forever. “It’s not okay. I’m not okay.”

He caught her arms and the worry was intense on his face. “Where are the boys? Callie, what’s happened?”

She laid her hands lightly on his chest and felt the pounding of his heart under her palms. She was making a total mess of this. “The boys are fine. What happened is I came to my senses.” She dropped her hands and stepped back. If he didn’t want her, she was going to let him walk away. If she wasn’t touching him, she wouldn’t be tempted to hold on to him. To beg him to stay. Goodness, it seemed she had no pride.

He folded his arms across his chest and his arms brushed hers in the process. His expression was still carefully guarded. “About what?”

She peered up at him. It was now or never. She took a deep breath and plunged in. “You were right. About me, I mean. My—fears.” His expression softened just a touch, but he didn’t say anything. She swallowed and forged on. “I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. After Jason died, there was so much pain. So. Much. Pain. I couldn’t go through that again. But I kind of shut everything down. It worked for a time, while Eli was little, too. But now—” she took another breath “—now it’s not. You showed up and I realized I want—I deserve—more. My kids do, too. A chance to live my life. I want you in it. I’ve fallen in love with you,” she said, and laid it all on the line. “I didn’t mean to, but I did.” There. She’d said it all. It was up to him now.

He reached out and caught her arm. His gaze was intent on hers, but she couldn’t read it. “Say that again.”

She blinked. “Um, I didn’t mean to?”

He shook his head and moved closer. “No. The part before that.”

Before that?
Oh.
Hope bubbled up, just a bit. “I love you.” The words were a little soft, so she cleared her throat. “I love you,” she repeated, louder, firmly. Wanting him to believe it. Needing him to believe it, especially since she’d made things so difficult for all of them, including her poor kids.

Matt moved a little closer, still holding her gaze, and her breath caught. “Even with my risky job? Despite the possibility that I might get hurt? And you can’t control that?”

She swallowed hard but didn’t look away. She didn’t blame him for his skepticism. “Even with that, Matt.” She couldn’t help it. She reached up and touched his face, felt the rasp of his five o’clock shadow under her fingers. “I was scared. And you were right, I was—am—trying to control everything. And I can’t. I’m going to need some help with that. It won’t go away overnight. But I’m not scared of you, or what we could have. But I understand if you don’t feel it, too. I’d like you in the boys’ life either way, if we can manage it.” Her hope fizzled, fell right into a yawning pit in her stomach, when he didn’t say anything back. “Okay. Well.” She managed a little laugh. Had she misread why he’d wanted her to repeat those three little words? “I guess I’ll, um, go back inside now.” One carton of rocky road, coming up.