In the Middle of Nowhere (16 page)

I know I shouldn’t have said what I said to
them, but who did they think they were telling me who I could or
couldn’t hang out with, whether it was with Tessa or anyone else?
Plus, who designated them to be the holders of the moral compass by
which everyone else around them was judged? I wasn’t perfect and
was sure neither of them was either. Taylor and Erica needed to lay
off Tessa, especially if she wasn’t bothering them.

Luckily, no one was sitting near me on the
ferry. I wanted to relax and reflect on the day that was almost as
crazy as the night at Rocky’s.

Reluctantly I had followed Tessa over to
Rocky and his entourage’s exclusive VIP area. I sat there quietly
while Tessa chatted it up with everyone. I didn’t feel comfortable
being at their table, but was glad that none of the guys were
paying any attention to me. There were some senior girls at the
other end of the table who seemed annoyed that Tessa and I, two
lowly sophomores, were infringing on their territory. They didn’t
need to worry. I hadn’t set my sights on any of the muscle heads. I
couldn’t speak for Tessa, though.

At one point, Rocky looked over Tessa and me
who were in the middle of a conversation.

“Tessa? What up?”

Tessa looked at Rocky and smiled. “Not much,
big guy. Rocky, you remember Willow, don’t you?”

Rocky threw his fabulous smile my way and
winked. “How could I forget?”

What!! My mouth hung open. I thought he had
no recollection of me from the other night. Why else would he have
completely ignored me in the hallway when I had seen him earlier
that morning? Maybe his memory of my inconvenient vomiting and me
came flooding back to him when I sat closer to him during lunch.
Either way, I was totally mortified and glad that there was only a
minute left in the period.

I didn’t say a word, just gave Rocky my most
confused, horrified-looking smile, as if I just caught a whiff of a
dozen rotten and decaying, hardboiled eggs.

I could not wait to get out of there and had
to stop myself from getting up and running away. Thankfully the
bell rang and I didn’t need an excuse anymore. Without saying
good-bye to Tessa, I got up and bolted outta there, as fast as
could, acting as if the whole lunchroom was on fire.

• • •

As soon as I got home, I went upstairs to
sign onto MyWeb to check out the photos Taylor and Erica insisted
existed of me at Rocky’s party. I was sure I had looked through all
of them, but apparently I hadn’t.

I followed the link, again, through Tessa’s
home page. I clicked on the pictures, one at a time, and saw the
same ones I had looked at the day before. I kept clicking and
realized that there were some new ones I hadn’t seen yet, but none
of me.

Just when I thought I was at the end of all
the new pictures, one popped up that made me gasp out loud. There I
was, whooping it up and partying, right in the middle of the
picture, pushing my boobs together, trying to give the illusion of
bigger cleavage. The side of Rocky’s face was in the foreground,
and to the bottom of the picture. He was sticking his tongue out
toward me to make it look like he was licking my left boob! I was
mortified, especially because I didn’t remember doing any of
it.

I was terrified to click on the next picture,
but thankful when I saw it was of Tessa smiling and posing with
Josh. The next one made me gasp even louder. I was sitting on a
barstool in Rocky’s authentic looking English pub, my head thrown
back, laughing hysterically as Rocky did a body shot, licking a dab
of salt from between my genuine, adequate cleavage. I almost fell
off my bed as I clicked back and forth between the two.

Luckily there were only two incriminating
photos, but to me, that meant that there were two too many. No
wonder Taylor and Erica insisted that I must have had a great time
at Rocky’s. From the pictures, it sure looked like I did. Too bad I
couldn’t recall any of it, but the more I thought about it, the
more I was actually grateful that I couldn’t.

• • •

The rest of the week passed without much
incident. I couldn’t stand drama of any sort, so I chose to keep to
myself. I tried my best to steer clear of Tessa, Taylor, Erica and
even “The God,” preferring the quiet and calmness that accompanied
the life of a hermit, which I had become.

All I did was go to school, go home, eat
dinner, do my homework, go to bed and repeat it all the very next
day. I wouldn’t answer any texts, from anybody. My life felt
similar to when I first moved to Pike’s and had no option but to
lead a boring existence. The fact that I now had a choice was
empowering, but I wanted to concentrate on my schoolwork and try to
reach a decision as to whether or not I was going to meet up with
Michael on Saturday.

I was so torn about it. Part of me wanted to
see him and spend time with him since I genuinely enjoyed talking
to him. All we seemed to do was laugh when we were on the phone
together. But the other part of me was scared because of Michael’s
elusiveness, of not being able to understand anything about
him.

I didn’t want to set myself up, as I had
before, by letting my guard down and opening up, only to have him
suddenly disappear from my life again. I guess deep down I was
scared, not of what I had to gain, but of what I had to lose. I
couldn’t bear the thought of loving someone and losing them. I had
already done it once in my life and that had been enough. I knew I
wouldn’t be able to survive it ever again.

I found myself unusually tired for a Thursday
night. My mom and Brian went out for an early dinner right after
school because they both needed to attend a meeting at the
education department in town.

My mom left money for James and me, so we
ordered a pizza. I headed back to my room right after I ate and
decided I would try and go to sleep early. With my homework done, I
put on my only pair of warm and fuzzy feety pajamas, the pair that
made me feel like a little girl again.

I climbed under the pile of covers, turned
off the light and got all snug in my bed. I tried to think happy
thoughts, not about Michael or our potential rendezvous. I had to
forget about him entirely and clear my head so I could get a
peaceful night’s sleep.

I must have fallen asleep rather quickly. I
remember feeling like I was being lifted off of my bed, while still
in a deep sleep, as though someone were carrying me. Slowly I
opened my eyes and found myself staring into my father’s adoring
face.

I was surprised and looked around us. My
father was carrying me up a steep flight of stairs, a set of stairs
that seemed to have no ending. There was nothing else around us,
except blue skies and white clouds. I looked back lovingly at my
father and he spoke to me without words, just thoughts. He told me
he loved me and always would, to not be afraid of love and that he
was always with me even if I didn’t know it.

I smiled at him and told him I loved him,
too. I touched the side of his soft cheek as we as ascended the
staircase and used my fingertips to trace the rest of his face so I
would never forget it.

He kept smiling at me and his blue eyes
twinkled like never before. I smiled back. I didn’t want him to
stop carrying me. I wanted to remain in his arms forever.

Finally we reached the top of the stairs and
came upon a pure white bed, surrounded with white, fluffy pillows
and a soft, white lace blanket.

He bent over to lay me on top of the
welcoming bed, but I quickly protested. “No,” I shouted. I wanted
to stay with him. He let me know that wasn’t possible, said that we
both still had more work to do, his in heaven, and mine on
Earth.

He lay me down as gently as he could, while I
kicked and screamed and cried. He leaned over and kissed my
forehead as I objected and writhed on top of the celestial bed. It
was no use. My father turned away and descended the steep stairs
and left me all alone as I held out my arms toward him. I continued
to cry out to him, to come back, to never leave me again as a
torrent of tears streamed down my face.

I suddenly bolted upright, looked around my
room and realized that I’d been dreaming. I touched my face and
found it wet with tears. It took me a moment to stop crying. I lay
back down and tried to make sense of it all. As I relived the
dream, I felt that it was both one of the best dreams I had ever
had, but also one of the worst. My dear father had come back into
my life so unexpectedly and left it, again, just as abruptly.

CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE

I dreaded going to school on Friday. I was
exhausted because I didn’t sleep well at all. I tossed and turned
the entire night as I tried to find my way back into my dream, onto
that peaceful, heavenly staircase with my father. I wanted to see
him again, to be with him, to feel his arms protectively wrapped
around me.

Instead my alarm buzzed and I slowly rose to
turn it off. I climbed back into bed and tried to decipher whether
it was only a dream, and nothing more, or if my dad was trying to
communicate with me through it.

It felt so real to me,
he
felt so
real. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep so I could be with
my dad again. It hit me hard right then how much I truly missed
him. I couldn’t help it. I started to cry. I grabbed my pillow and
hugged it tightly. Even though he had died only five years prior,
it felt like a lifetime ago, a lifetime since anyone called me
Willie.

I contemplated lying and telling my mom that
I didn’t feel well. My throat was kind of sore and my heart ached,
so I wouldn’t be lying completely. I quickly realized I had no
choice but to go to school. I had a huge geometry test that I had
spent a lot of time studying for. I didn’t want to forget
everything and have to study all over again for the make-up on
Monday.

I scrambled out of bed when I saw how late it
was and hurried so I wouldn’t have to hear it. I did anyway.

“Willow!” my mom screamed from the bottom of
the stairs. “Hurry up!”

I opened my door and yelled back.
“Coming!”

I threw on the closest pieces of clothing I
could grab, a stained sweatshirt and a dirty pair of jeans, which
were strewn on my bedroom floor. I barely brushed my teeth or hair
and didn’t attempt to put on any makeup. I never got ready so fast
in my entire life.

As I grabbed my hobo book bag, I caught a
glimpse of myself in my full-length mirror. At first I thought
there was a stranger in my room with me and then slowly realized
the sad truth that it was I, looking more like a homeless person
than an unhappy, over-achieving, sleep-deprived teen.

• • •

Tessa wasn’t in homeroom and I was glad
because I didn’t want to talk to her or anyone. I caught a few
people looking at me strangely, probably because I looked so scary.
I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be bothered anyway and figured my
new look could only contribute to the new hermit image I was trying
to convey.

I finished my math test and felt pretty good
about it. I got at least an A, I felt, or perhaps even better
because I knew the answer to the bonus questions, too.

As I waited while the rest of the class
finished up, Erica, who sat beside me, slipped me a tiny note. I
quickly grabbed it and opened it up. She wrote, “Just to let you
know, some of the senior girls are referring to you and Tessa not
as sophomores, but as soph-whore-mores.”

I was shocked and totally speechless. I
couldn’t have uttered a single word, even if I had wanted to,
because we were still in the middle of an exam.

I glanced at Erica and she shot me her smug,
self-righteous smile, as if I was getting exactly what I
deserved.

I crumpled up the little piece of paper and
threw it back at her. I didn’t care what other girls were saying
about me. I knew it wasn’t true. I had no desire to hook up with
any of the senior boys and had sat at their “coveted” lunch table
only once.

I knew most of the girls in the school didn’t
like Tessa and that she had a bad reputation in general. I
shouldn’t have been lumped in with her simply because I was friends
with her.

Tessa had her own mind, as did I, and was
completely her own person. Even so, I thought back to what my mom
used to say when referring to some of our oddball, close-knit
neighbors from our old neighborhood, “Birds of a feather, flock
together.”

But that didn’t mean that I was totally like
Tessa because we hung out together a few times. If anything, the
only thing that I felt that we had in common was that we both
seemed to long for female friendships. I shouldn’t be faulted for
wanting a best friend, or any friend at all, for that matter.

The bell rang and I tried to race out of
there so I could avoid any further interactions with the
condescending Erica. She was quicker than I thought and caught me
right beyond the doorway. She tugged on my sleeve and stood with
her hand on her hip.