In the Mix (26 page)

“That may involve probing.” He shakes his head, “I prefer to probe and not be probed.”

“You give good probe, Kyle.” I deadpan. He gives me that smirk where he bites his smile back at the same time. “I love when you do this smirk right here.” I touch his mouth. “It makes me want to slap you in the face with my pussy.”

“I can’t think of anything better to be slapped in the face with,” he chuckles. “Do you have anymore?” He shakes my hips, tightening his grip on them.

“A ton more, but . . . I don’t want to reveal all of my cards at once. Besides, wouldn’t it be nicer to hear over time instead of all at once?”

“Good.” He leans up and hugs me to him.

“Good?” I jerk my head back, unsure of what he’s referencing.

“Yes. Good. Over time means you’ve made your decision already.” He smiles up at me.

“What are you talking about?”

“Our discussion, last night? About you, deciding what you want while I’m in Spain?”

“Oh,” I sigh.

“Oh?” He pushes back on my hips. “What does that mean?”

“It means, oh. I wasn’t sure what you were talking about, you reminded me. I said ‘oh.’ I believe that is a normal response.” I answer. I’m sure he’s not satisfied with this answer but, oh well. I don’t want another argument with him.

“Well, just a reminder about that patience you think needs scientific study—it’s running out.” He lifts an eyebrow at me.

“C’mon, let’s go back to bed and get a few more hours of sleep.” I get up and wait for him to do the same, but he’s not budging.

“No, Ceese. We came in here to talk about what happened. Sit back down.” He grabs my hand and tugs.

“Yeah, I’ll pass, but thanks, though.” I try to pull my hand away.

“Why?”

“You’re kidding, right?” I snap lightly.

“No. I’m not kidding.”

“Kyle, I just revealed to you how you make me feel. That was very hard for me. Two seconds later, you make me regret saying anything at all. I would rather go upstairs with you and let you fuck me in the ass because that would be more comfortable than sharing something so personal and painful with you.” I manage to finally free my hand from him and make my way to the stairs.

It’s six in the morning. There’s no one I would dare call at this time. I’m pretty much stuck here, as far as rides go. I can’t even call anyone to vent. I grab my phone and check my timeline on Facebook—
somebody has to be having a shittier morning than me.
Oh shit! Julie’s on.

Me:
Hey, Asswhore! What are you doing up this early?

Julie:
Trying to put an awesome fucking book down with no success!

Me:
Ooh! Can I borrow it? I want to make sure I know all the tricks to awesome fucking!

Julie:
It’s all about the good steady pace and most importantly, a great climax.

Me:
Is there a lot to swallow?

Julie:
It’s been described as “copious amounts.” There’s a lot for the heroine to take in.

Me:
I know the feeling.

Julie:
Kidding aside, I think you would like this book. It’s called Whispers by Hailey Trent.

Julie:
Wait—what?! Are you letting Kyle plunge into your secret abyss?!!!

Me:
Is it really a secret?

Julie:
Well, with the way you always walk around, scratching your balls . . .

Me:
Those are lady balls and they need scratchin’ too (they’re bigger than mens’).

Julie:
Well????

Me:
Yes. Kyle and I are together. I actually could use your ear. Later, though. Kyle just walked in. Ok. Love you, bye!

Julie:
You know why I don’t mind cliffhangers in books? Because having a best friend like you gives me plenty of practice at “getting over it.” Bye! Love you, too! Full snatch report later, please!!

“Is this where I come to get anal?” Kyle quips.

“I wouldn’t have pegged you to be that type of guy, Kyle—kinky bastard. Well,” I pat the bed, “bend over here and I’ll get the lube and my vibrator for you.” I wink. He smirks then sits next to me and grabs my hand. Drawing little circles on the back, he opens his mouth several times as if in an attempt to speak, but closes it again.

We seem to be at an impasse here. It doesn’t need to be this way. I don’t
want
it to stay this way. I feel like I’m at one of those crucial moments in your life where you could easily make the wrong decision and spend the rest of your life wondering what would’ve happened if you could go just back and choose correctly. Here’s the thing; the me from three months ago would’ve made the wrong choice, not giving a fuck because it scared her. The me, today, is still scared
as
shitless but I’m tired of it and I do give a fuck. Something has clearly changed in me. I’m not sure
exactly
when it happened. It may never have happened, had he not come along. But here it is and . . . here I go . . .

“When I was in college, I met and fell in love with Andrew Spofford. We were inseparable. He was
it
for me. We’d stay on the phone for hours, talking about our future: when we would marry, how many kids we’d have, where we’d live. I believed in him. I believed in us. I gave him all of me; not a second thought. As you can imagine, from our conversation earlier, I found myself pregnant.” I turn my head, lifting my eyes to meet his. He gives me a nod of encouragement and squeezes my hand. I take in a deep breath.

“At first, I fucking freaked out like most girls do that end up in this predicament. But then, I thought about how much we had gone over our plans. Sure, it was a lot earlier than we had talked about, but we would manage. It was meant to be; otherwise it wouldn’t have happened, right?” I widen my eyes for emphasis. Kyle gives me a curt smile. “So, instead of dread, I allowed myself to feel happy about the little monster growing in me. I mean monster is sweetest of ways. I imagined him being like cookie monster or something, with snacks all over his face.” I chuckle a little but it doesn’t help the knot that’s forming again. “I fell in love, for the second time in my life. I couldn’t wait to tell Drew, but I wanted to do it in person. He and I were so busy with exams and stuff, I just couldn’t find the right time.” I stop to take another deep breath. I’m actually surprised how easy this is flying out of my mouth. “Finally, I had decided to surprise him. It was a Thursday night. I had made plans with a few of my friends but decided to cancel, knowing that he was staying in. I thought it would be great to not only surprise him but tell him about the baby. Neither one of us had classes the next day that would force us to cut our talk short.” I stop, fighting the bile that is making its way up from my stomach.

“He didn’t want the baby?” Kyle speaks up.

“He never ended up knowing about the baby.”

“What do you mean? Did something happen to him?” He starts rubbing my back. I know he’s wracking his brain while trying to soothe me, but I can’t even stop the sobs that have come so hard.

Finally, I pull it together to give him the answer. “No. Nothing happened to him. I never told him because I was too distracted by being mortified and having my heart broken all at once.”

“You found him cheating on you?” he asks and I can hear the anger in his voice.

“No. He never cheated on me. I wish he had. God, I wish he had. What he did was far worse than anything.”

“Did he rape you?”

“No.”

“What the hell did he do, Ceese?!”

“Look, Kyle, I really can’t. I’m not ready to discuss that part. Please. I just want to tell you about the baby.” I turn to him, grabbing his hands—pleading.

“Ok, Ceese. I’m just trying to figure everything out. I want to help you try to find a way past all of this.” He rests his forehead against mine.

“I know. I need you to be patient, though. You’re the only person I’ve ever told this to. Nobody knows, Kyle. Do you understand how big this is for me? I’m not even a hundred percent sure that I’m doing the right thing, here.”

“You are! I promise you are, Ceese.” He grasps my hands in his palms and I bring my eyes up to his. “I will never do anything to make you regret telling me, I promise.” He thumbs my tears away and lays several soft kisses on my lips. He pulls back, “Now, tell me, what happened?”

I reach over and grab tissues off the nightstand to blow my nose. I ball up the used tissues in my hands and mindlessly start playing with them. “Don’t do that,” he stops me, “It’s unsanitary.” He grabs them and throws them in the wastebasket.

Me? I can’t help but laugh at him. “Honestly, Kyle, I don’t think that was the most unsanitary thing I’ve done in the past twenty-four hours.”

“That’s different.” He smiles then proceeds to squirt antibacterial shit in my hands.

“I’m sorry but you’ve lost your title as Mr. Spock. I am now calling you Monk.”

“I don’t even know what that means except it’s probably another TV show. You need to do something better with your time, beautiful.”

“Should I do
you,
instead?”

“You should—at all times! Now . . . you are slowly working yourself away from telling me what happened, don’t think I haven’t noticed.” He darts an eyebrow up.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “So, basically, what he did to me mortified me so bad, I felt destroyed. I could never face him again. I could never face anyone there. I left. I left him, school, my dreams—everything.” I pull my hair tie out and shake my hair out with my hand: nervous energy.

“Then what?”

“I scheduled an appointment to terminate the pregnancy. I did that Friday morning. I didn’t give myself much of a chance to think. All I knew was that I couldn’t face him ever again. I know my parents would’ve helped me but I couldn’t even face them at the time. I couldn’t face my baby. I . . . I . . . never.” I stop and try to collect myself. “I wanted no part of him. What I failed to see, at the time, was that I was giving up a part of me. I’ve had to live with that decision every day of my life since. Do you have any idea as to what kind of a personal hell that has been? Every time Charley had another baby, my other sisters, it was like a slap in the face. The worst, though . . .” I trail off, feeling my emotions hitting me full force again. “Watching my best friend, struggle to have a baby for
nine
years. Kyle, the guilt is unbearable. I can’t even talk to her about it. I can’t listen. I make a joke and look for a reason to get off the phone, or I try to change the subject in person.” I lay my head into my hands and let myself cry.

“I bet she would understand if you tell her what happened. Ava seems like a wonderful person, I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to feel this way one moment.” He rubs my back again then suddenly stops. “I don’t understand something, though.”

“What?” I lift my head back up.

“This has haunted you all of these years? You feel as if you made a big mistake, right?”

“Yes. Kyle, you have to understand, I believe that women, given the right situation, should have the right to choose. But it’s not something I could ever see myself doing. I wasn’t thinking.” I grab another tissue.

“Can I ask you why, then, you decided to take that pill this morning. If this has all been haunting you, if this is not you—why did you take it?” he raises his voice.

“I lied,” I say quickly.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Well, I didn’t
lie,
I did take it. Then . . . I made myself throw it up. I thought I could do it. I couldn’t. I’m in a different place in my life. I’m not as selfish as I let on. Kyle . . . say something, please.” I reach up and touch his face. He pulls back.

Crack.

That was my heart.

“If you lied, why leave the box for me to find easily?” he asks apprehensively.

“If you recall correctly, you snatched it out of my hand.” I shift so that I’m facing him better. “Also, I wasn’t sure if you were being intentional in your actions. You know, you’re joking about marriage, waving the reasons behind buying such a big house in my face, at the same time, asking me if I like the house that you bought for your future wife. How could I not think that you have an ulterior motive? So . . . me leaving that box in there was my way of saying I wasn’t going to be trapped.”

“Christ, Ceese! I wasn’t trying to trap you!” He shoots off the bed and begins to pace. I lean back on my hands and watch him wear out the floor. He comes to a halt. “Ok. I can see how it definitely looked that way, but it’s really not the case.” He gets down on his knees in front of me and grasps my hips. I open my legs for him to come a little closer. “I don’t have a real good excuse, only that when I’m with you, I’m not thinking straight. Normal things that would usually cross my mind—responsible things—just don’t. I’m
always
careful. Maybe that’s because I’ve
never
been with someone I’ve felt this way about. I don’t know,” he adds quickly. “I don’t have the answer. It was irresponsible and I’m sorry.”

“Hey, we’re both at fault here.” I put my arms around his neck. “I could’ve just as easily reminded you. Guess I was in the same fog as you.” I smile.

“Ok. So from now, until you get on something, we will stop behaving like teenagers, deal?” He kisses my nose.

“Deal,” I agree. “Are we good, Kyle?” I ask for merit.

“You know, I think we are. It’s good that we talked about it right away, Ceese. Are you feeling ok, having discussed all of that?”

“I really am. Thank you.” I kiss him. “I think maybe we should get some sleep now. I’m exhausted,” I say looking over at the clock. It’s going on seven in the morning.

“Sounds good. Get up so I can pull the covers back.” He stands up and pulls me with him. I move out of the way and proceed to take my clothes off while he situates the bed. He turns around, holding his hand out to the bed for me. His jaw drops. “You know I’m going to fucking molest you now, right?” he asks as I climb in.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I shoot him a playful wink. I watch as he strips down and climbs in, curling up behind me. His hands waste no time, having their way with me. Mmm . . .