In the Mix (40 page)

I have played this conversation over and over again in my mind for the past fifteen years. And yet, I don’t know where to begin. You were the love of my life and I destroyed everything we had become and everything we had planned to be because I needed to be accepted by that son of a bitch I call Father. I can’t tell you how so very sorry I am for what happened.

One thing is for sure: you deserve answers. If this letter leaves you with nothing else, at least you will know why I did what I did. As you know, I was desperately trying to get accepted into Psi Gamma Alpha for the second year in a row. My father gave me hell for not making it the first time. He said I was an embarrassment. I was determined and it paid off. I made it to the secret challenge. It took them three weeks to get it from me. I kept postponing, saying I didn’t have it yet. Then, with the deadline looming and another horrific argument with my father, I caved.

I told myself, “She’ll hardly ever see these guys. Once we graduate, she’ll never see any of them again.” I wish I could go back and knock some sense into myself. I knew what they were doing was wrong. I knew I was wrong for not only allowing it but being a part of it, as well. What a fucking coward I was. And I thought I had the right to walk around calling myself a man. I wasn’t a man; I was a very stupid, lost boy, trying desperately—at any cost—to have his father “find” him.

You never knew the rage that I felt at that moment, when I was allowing them to watch, my father to win. I had gotten up to turn it off and end my pledge. But then I saw you and the horrified look on your face.

“Ceese, I’m lost. What the fuck happened?” I stop reading and glance up at her. She is silently crying. I grab some tissues off the table and hand them to her.

She lays her head in her palms then runs them down, vigorously wiping her tears away and rubbing her face. She takes in a deep, shaky breath. “As you know, I went over to his frat house to tell him about the baby. It was a surprise visit. Well, no one was more surprised than I was. When I heard a bunch of the guys cheering and carrying on in their big living room where they watched movies and sports, I headed down the hall and into the room. At first, I was slightly chuckling at the way they were carrying on. That is until I looked to see what they were watching that was causing all the commotion.” She tries to start the next sentence but she’s hyperventilating a little bit.

“Shh . . . shh. Take your time.” I go to hug her but she pushes away.

“I can’t . . . I don’t want to hug right now. I just need to get this out,” her voice finally steadies again.

“Okay.” I nod.

“When I looked at the screen, I realized it was me. Drew, unbeknownst to me, had videotaped the first time we made love; when he took my virginity.”

“What?!”

“Yup. And there they were, all of those sick bastards, cheering Drew on, congratulating him on how fucking hot I was. Yelling out all kinds of personal questions: was I really tight, was I a squirter, did I let him fuck me in the ass. I was horrified. That night I lost my virginity was so beautiful to me and within moments, it became the ugliest night of my life. Drew’s right. He did look as if he was about to turn it off, but then he saw me. The color drained from his face. I didn’t care, though. I ran over to the TV and ripped out the video. I think they were all just in shock because no one tried to stop me. I ran. I ran so fast and hard, I fell . . . like one of those dumb bitches in a horror movie.” She chuckles slightly at her last comment. That’s CiCi for ya, always trying to find the funny in the worst kind of situations. And, damn it, if that isn’t one of the reasons why I love her so much.

A lot of things are making sense to me now: no video sex, the alarm over somebody seeing us through our windows, and the infamous wall. I’m a little unsure about the whole visual fucker thing, but it does make sense when you think about it. It’s her way of controlling who sees her pleasure. That’s my take on it anyhow, but I’m no Maddie St. Claire.

“Sometimes I get so mad at myself for letting this one incident hold so much power over me for so many years, especially when you came along, Kyle. I should’ve gotten over it a while back.”

“CiCi, are you fucking kidding me, right now? Get over it?” I look at her as if she has five heads.

“Well, it’s not like I got raped.” She looks down.

“What he did was a violation to you. First, he taped you without you knowing. Second, he showed it to others! Why would that be something you would
just get over?
You only consented to sex. You did not consent to the others. How could you not be traumatized by what he did? Don’t ever under validate the magnitude of responsibility his actions have over the length of time you’ve grieved or the mistrust you’ve had in relationships since.” I palm her face.

“You sound a little like Maddie.” She gives me a weak smile.

“Good. Maddie’s a smart chick.”

“You’re a smart chick, too.” Her smile gets bigger. I groan with frustration and love before I plant a big kiss on her lips.

“Do you want me to continue with the letter?”

“Yes, please.”

I pick it back up and scan over to find where I left off. Ah!

I was frozen. No. I was a coward. After a few minutes, I finally pulled myself together enough to run after you. I stopped the moment I got to your dorm. Your light was on and I could see you moving around, shifting stuff; and I knew. I knew that I had lost you. It didn’t matter what brilliant line or two came out of my mouth; I had destroyed us.

I wasn’t surprised the next day when several people told me you were dropping out. My guilt, though, went through the roof. I not only destroyed our future, I possibly was single-handedly destroying yours. I could only pray that you would transfer to another school for spring. I know that you never became a Veterinarian like you had dreamed of. I am happy that you did at least become a groomer and opened your own business up. Yes, you can add creeper to the many names you have probably called me over the years. I couldn’t help it. I never stopped loving you. Of course, I wanted to make sure you were ok. But you weren’t, were you?

I know about the baby.

I stop and look up at her when she gasps. She has her mouth covered with her hand and she signals me with the other to keep reading.

One of our project buddies in the English class we took together came up to me, asking if you were okay. She said she saw you coming out of one of the parenting clinics in town, crying. I knew there would only be one reason for you to be there. I know you, Ceese. As much as you understand both sides of the argument over abortion, you always said you would never go through with something like that—it had to be a dire situation for you to do that. I did that. I put you in such a dark place, it made you do something you would’ve never done. I had realized at that moment—I succeeded. I was now just like my father. He too had put me in such a dark place, it made me do something I would’ve never done.

Before I continue, I need to tell you not only how deeply sorry I am (again), but that not a day goes by that I don’t think about our baby. I wonder if he would’ve had your beautiful green eyes. I wonder a lot of things about him. I only hope God is gracious enough to have allowed me to be with him as you are reading this. I call him Henry. That’s what we said we would name our first son, right?

It’s important for me to tell you what happened after you left. I often wondered if you thought that I carried on with my life as if nothing had happened. No. Never. You were always in my heart and on my mind. Since the day I learned about the baby, I made a conscious decision to do right by you in any way that I could. Every day I tried to right my wrong, even if it was the smallest of gestures.

I accepted placement in the fraternity. Not for the initial reasons, for very new ones. I planned to make my way to the top and by the time I was a senior, I wanted to make the secret challenge obsolete. I succeeded. The secret challenge died once the seniors before me and my brothers left. Going through the files, we found that not only had they been doing this for the past forty years (one way or another) but they had a record of the brothers who did the secret challenge and who their virgin was. I saw my father’s name on this list. His virgin was my mother. And that was the day he was dead to me. I no longer wanted to be his son and I definitely didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. It was clear they only led down a path to hell.

I went into the military instead of business. I was going to make a career out of protecting people. I needed to do something for not being man enough to protect you. I became a Navy Seal. Hard to believe, right? I loved it. Mostly, I loved that I could distance myself from people . . . from ever falling in love again. When I was on leave, I’d visit friends, but mostly, I spent my time checking up on you. Haha . . . that just reminded me of Forrest Gump. Remember when we’d talk like him all day to each other? God, we were such dorks. I loved and miss that most about us. Sorry. Anyways . . . I always had mixed emotions when I would get information about you. Happy that you weren’t married with five kids and sad about it all at the same time, guessing I was the cause. That breaks my heart, knowing that I hurt the one person I loved so much, like this. I never expected you to come back to me. My prayer for you has always been that you would find happiness. You deserve it, baby. You deserve a good man who will never hurt you like I did. You deserve a shitload of kids. God, you’d be an awesome mom. Ceese, there’s a light in you that shines so brightly, people can’t help but want to be in it, to feel it’s warmth. When you walk away, even just out of a room—people notice because you take the warmth of that light with you. And it’s something nobody could ever snuff out—it’s that powerful. I know that I don’t “know” you anymore but I’d bet everything I can in the world that that hasn’t changed about you. How could it?

Moving on here. After several years of being a Seal, I was injured. Let’s just say I was in traction and you would’ve laughed your ass off at me. That’s when I met her. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone else; Lord knows I didn’t deserve that kind of happiness. Susan wouldn’t let me have my pity party, though. A part of me thought that maybe I needed to move on for you to finally be able to move on. So, I let my guard down. I married Susan six years ago and she is one of the best people I know. We have two daughters. I’m glad we have daughters and not sons for two reasons. One, I had a shitty example of how a father should be with his son. Two, I have always felt in my heart of hearts, that our baby was a boy. I wanted him to have his own place in my heart. Does that make sense?

Everything in my life was going great. I wasn’t able to go back as an active Seal but I was able to train future Seals. Susan and I have been extremely happy and our girls have been healthy. I stopped checking up on you. Six months ago, I found out that I have stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Nothing has worked and I’m down to mere weeks with my family. Funny thing, Karma, huh? I must not have done enough right. That’s how I feel many days. Most days, I feel blessed. I have had the honor of being loved and loving someone greatly, twice in my life. I have these two beautiful, intelligent girls who call me Dad and think I’m made from some kind of wonderful. That’s the ONLY memory (emotionally) they will have of me, and I couldn’t ask for them to have a better one.

I hope, for your sake, that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. It’s not about me hoping to get to the big pearly gates. My fate is laid out no matter who comes up to bat for me. My hope is for you to find the happiness you so rightly deserve.

I’m sorry, CiCi. I’m sorry for everything and anything I took away from you that day. I’m sorry that I wasn’t man enough to keep you protected. I’m sorry if my actions had a long-term negative affect on your life.

I love you. I always have and I always will. Despite my poor actions when I was with you, I am a better man today and you are the sole reason for it.

I’ve enclosed a few pictures of us. My lawyer will be shipping you the rest of our things that I’ve kept. Susan knows about you. However, she thinks you are dead. I let her believe that so that she would never have a problem with me keeping our stuff. I understand if you want nothing to do with any of these things. I just didn’t want to take your option of deciding that away.

To this day, you are still the most amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life. I love you—always.

Love,

Drew

P.S. Whenever I hear “You Could Be Happy” by Snow Patrol, I think of you. I love you, Ceese.

I put the letter down and fix my eyes on CiCi. She has cried through the entire reading of this. “I call him Henry, too,” she says then unleashes a wail I have never heard come out of anybody before, let alone CiCi. I can’t help but let her grief wash over me as I listen to and watch her sob. I want to hold her but I’m not sure if that’s what she needs right now. I reach for her. “I need a minute, please.” She backs away, gets up, runs off.

I don’t know what to do.