In the Rearview (3 page)

Life's so busy

No time to slow down

Always rushing

Never stopping to look around

And appreciate life how it is

And we rush

Without stopping

We miss opportunities

And there's nothing worse

Than looking back

And regretting something

You did or didn't do

 

Meagan stared down at her desk. Her focus moved beyond the assignment in front of her without actually seeing what she was looking toward. There were lines, spaces of white, and blobs of writing, but nothing seemed important enough to consider closely. Truthfully she didn't care.

She didn't feel the need to focus.

Her gaze slowly moved up to the front of the classroom, and again she fixated on a point past what was before her. She didn't concentrate on the teacher. There was a face, a moving mouth, but she didn't connect it with the sounds struggling slowly, like sticky sludge past her ears. She didn't hear the instructions being uttered; each word fell on deaf ears as she mindlessly doodled.

Twisting her hair around her finger, she thought about how nice it would be to be at home, in bed, with the curtains closed instead of in this loud and hyper school. It seemed her classmates had recently started caring too much about what was going on around them. There was too much drama, too much noise, too much concern jumping all around her. It was all so taxing.

It was such a bother.

Meagan, in contrast, was usually in a world of her own. Her head felt fuzzy most of the time, and unless she used a lot of ene
rgy, most conversations sounded muffled, like there was cotton in her ears. She didn't feel the need to engage anymore. Her desire to try
so hard
just to do what had once come easily had dwindled to nothing. At first she'd tried, but not now. Not anymore. It had become too difficult to care.

And that was her biggest problem. Meagan didn't care much about any of these changes. She was fine walking through school without any effort. Her feet felt a little heavier as each day passed, and her head felt a little more under pressure of a crushing fog that numbed her, but she pushed through it all. She didn't mind neglecting what used to bring her excitement. In fact, it was just easier not to give a crap.

Everything was distinctly lackluster these days.

****

She was startled by a loud cough and her focus snapped back up. Several of her classmates were looking toward her, and so was her teacher. Others were looking down with embarrassment for her.

“Meagan?”

Yep, she had definitely missed something. “I'm sorry, I didn't hear the question.”

These were the only times Meagan cared about her inattention. Her cheeks warmed, and her blood pressure spiked. Flustered, she glanced to her fingers, fidgeting and twisting around each other in her lap.

“Please pay better attention.” There was no anger in her voice, but Meagan did detect a note of disappointment.

“Okay.” She didn't add anything else.

There was nothing to add anyway. She didn't apologize because, honestly, she wasn't sorry she hadn't been listening. Embarrassment in getting caught was the only reason to be sorry. And she hadn't been doing anything worth using as an excuse. So she kept her lips buttoned and tried to make it through the rest of class.

****

She shuffled to her locker with a limited burst of enthusiasm, but it was only due to the understanding that the school day was over and she could go home to sit alone.

“Hi!”

Meagan's excitement immediately deflated as if a pin had pricked a hole into its thin and delicate structure.

“Do you want to hang out this weekend?”

Sarah, her longtime friend, bounced on her toes next to Meagan's locker with a genuine smile that reached her eyes, adding a sparkle. Meagan didn't know the last time her own smile had touched her eyes. Had it ever? She couldn't remember anymore.

She didn't want to make plans with anyone, even Sarah. Every time she did, she would cancel them last minute. Just the thought of going out in public, even to do something as simple as shopping, exhausted Meagan before she had the chance to leave the house. Her stomach got queasy and her eyes felt puffy when she was supposed to be with others but needed to be alone. These reactions were happening more and more, which was why she was spending so much time in just her own company. And though no one had said anything yet, Meagan suspected a few of her close friends had begun to notice her continued absence.

Or maybe they hadn't. Maybe they didn't care.

It was possible no one ever cared.

“Umm… yeah, I probably can.” Meagan agreed to it, with a noted lack of interest, so she would not have to face the criticism or disappointment on Sarah's face if she declined. But Meagan would most likely cancel later, over instant message or on the phone, when she wasn't looking directly at Sarah. It was always easier to be a disappointment when you didn't have to see the look of it.

“Great! We haven't hung out in… I don't even know how long. Forever!”

Sarah's cheerful tone began to grate against Meagan's nerves. She felt the sudden urge to get away before she said or did something she would regret. The abrupt anger startled her. Sarah had done nothing wrong. Meagan probably just needed to go home and nap.

“Okay, well, call me. I gotta go.” Meagan spun around and headed to the bus that would take her to her comfortable world alone at home. There she could relax, and no one would care or notice her inability to care.

Thick and sticky

Pulls me down

Deep

Heavy with baggage

Bogged down

And foggy

Cannot come up for air

Cannot get away

Paralyzed with pain

Stuck inside

Trying to get out

You don't have to tell me

But when you don't it hurts

And every time you lie to me

You kill something inside

I want to love you

But when you don't trust me

I can't be in your life

And although I want to

You have to begin to tell me

More of what you feel

I've always been close

Never chosen first

Never always right

Average is what I am

Someone is always better

And few are ever worse

I'm always close

But never close enough

 

Dear Diary,

I'm not exactly sure
when
I became depressed, but I'm sure now that I am. Though I understand the progression was slow and building, it feels anything but. It seems as if I've been thrown down, hard to the ground quickly by a bully, big and heavy, and now I'm being held there against my will.

There is no end in sight.

Little things seem to bother me a lot more than they used to, even more than the pencil incident. Everything takes on a huge flare for the dramatic. Wait, let me correct that. The upsetting takes on a flare for the dramatic. Bad is worse. But happy things are never very exciting, instead they've leveled out. A lot feels different.

I take everything more personally too; some people say I can't take a joke anymore. Plus every little problem that arises is harder to face than it used to be. I think that's because I hold on to more of the negative, so everything just builds up and up, without ever letting go or resetting. It all piles on top of the rest.

Apparently, depression does that to you. Depression turns you into a drama queen who cries all the time. My eyes are puffy from crying
.

If I think about it harder, if I strain more than I want to, I can think of a few things that led up to this drowning feeling. I can piece together a few issues that began to fill my lungs with despair. But it still feels sudden even with excuses.

Life got harder with the transition from elementary to middle school. I lost some friends I never expected to lose. Somehow we had just grown apart, and in the wake of their absence, I could feel the pressure of a huge void.

All of a sudden these people I had come to depend on for support sneered at me and walked by without a word in the halls. They made fun of me behind my back and started nasty rumors about me. I wasn't cool enough to be their friend any longer, and they clearly showed me why.

That hurt.

It stung more than I imagined it could. Though I never imagined they'd leave me either. Apparently I was too stupid not to realize who they were. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on people who were only going to betray my trust and friendship. But I can't undo what's already done.

I have made new friends since, but it still hurts to see the old ones around and know they've abandoned me.

Besides the friends I've lost, I'm embarrassed to say I also seem to have terrible luck with guys. Everyone I've liked recently hasn't felt the same for me. I have written notes, passed them along, and received lasting records of written rejections back. I can't seem to throw them away either. Too often I look at their handwriting, telling me they just don't like me.

.

Do you like me? Do you want to be my boyfriend?

[ ] Yes or [ ] No?

[ ] Yes or [X] No… Sorry

.

Their scribbled apologies are of no comfort either, so I should be able to get rid of them, but I can't.

Every time this happens I find myself staring in the mirror when I get home. I wonder if I'm ugly. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me and what I should be changing. Why does no one choose me?

I get picked on at school by some girls I used to call my friends, and I am invisible to the boys I can't help but see. I find no solace or comfort at school, and I often wish to be home every second that I'm there. But when I get home, I tend to be equally disappointed.

I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore, not even myself.

My sisters pick fights with me. Or maybe I pick fights with them. I can't even tell anymore. But either way, we are fighting way more than we used to. Getting through an entire day without fighting with anyone has become impossible.

I've been disappointing my parents a lot too. There's always something I need to fix in their eyes. I talk back too much. I don't help out around the house. No one is ever completely satisfied with me.

And now that I feel like I can't do anything right, at school or at home, every little hiccup feels like a mountain I must climb alone. It feels like staring at Everest from the bottom without support or even equipment to assist me to the top. Every time I say or do something wrong, I have the urge to crawl into a dark hole and be alone for such a long time.

I bet I'd be happier as a recluse.

Every problem seems magnified when looking through depression-tinted lenses. Everything is darker, scarier, and way more trouble than it should be worth. Sometimes I do c
atch myself wondering if any of this is worth it, and even if it
is,
what can I do to make my days more bearable? How can I get a handle on what I've lost?

Like I've said before, this suffocating feeling has crept into everything and feels to be more trouble than it used to. I'm just not sure that it's worth it to have to feel this way. No one should have to feel this way.

To make matters worse, I made a mountain out of a small problem at school again recently, and unfortunately my reaction made everything horrible. The friends I have left often tell me I worry too much, and some even call me sensitive. Well, if they had any doubt before, today I proved them right.

It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much a year ago, but today I stopped breathing. I fro
ze. Time felt like it had stopped, and I had never been so embarrassed
in my life
.

I started to cry in the middle of class. It wasn't an attractive silent cry either. It was tears pouring down my face and hiccups escaping between sobs. All I had done was say something stupid to my classmate, but she'd teased me, and all of a sudden the room was spinning. I tried to recover, but I faltered and started breaking down in front of everyone.

I stood up to escape, and I ran toward the hall. But instead of leaving and ending the situation, I tripped on my way out of the door, spilling my books everywhere, which only made it worse.

I made an idiot out of myself, and I still can't let it go two days later. I keep thinking about what I'd done wrong, what I should have done differently, and how miserable I have made myself. It all goes round and round my head until I'm dizzy with disappointment and anxiety. I wish I could take it back, but since I can't, I wish I could at least make myself feel better.

I wish I had some magic tool to take away my pain.