In the Wake of Wanting (52 page)

He shrugs his shoulders as he gets up off the couch and walks toward the island. “It’s nothing serious. We’re just having a good time. He’s a bartender at a club near campus. He’s thirty-four.”

“
Thirty
-four?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you meet him?”

“I went to a concert there. He saw me from across the room and took a break to come dance with me… I gave him my number, he called me when he got off… the rest is history.”

“Did you, uh… hook up that night?”

“I don’t fuck and tell, Trey…” Before I can argue with him, he continues. “…but yeah. And don’t judge me. You slept with Coney the night of your first date.” I set his food in front of him and hand him some silverware, then move as far across the kitchen as I can before continuing the conversation.

“I’ve known her since the first day of classes, Max. It might be a tiny bit different. But I’m not judging you. You’re a smart guy. Nobody expects celibacy while you and Callen figure things out.”

Before he takes his first bite, he glares at me, the fork half-an-inch from his mouth. “I don’t know why you insist that we’re going to get back together,” he says to me.

“Because you guys fought too hard to be together in the first place, Mascot. And he isn’t giving up.” I leave that little tidbit hanging to see if he takes the bait.

“He never calls me anymore.”

“You told him not to. He’s respecting your wishes.”

“Well, then, what the hell’s he going to do?”

“Something big. Something very uncharacteristic of Callen.”

“When?”

“When you least expect it. But when you’re ready for it.”

“I’m never gonna be ready,” he says stubbornly.

“Okay,” I concede as if I don’t care.

“How would he know if I was ready, anyway?”

“I’ll know,” I tell him smugly.

“I’m cutting you off.” It’s an empty threat.

“Your brother will know, and he talks to Callen weekly.”

“Fuck, I’ll cut him off, too.” I chuckle at that. There’s
no one
Max is closer to than Will.

“We’re not going to force you into anything. We’re only going to do what’s best for you,” I promise him.

“He cheated on me,” he argues.

“And he hasn’t been out with anyone–in any capacity–since that day, Max. Not even a date. It’s been more than a year and a half. This is Callen, we’re talking about. Callen ‘Manwhore’ McNare. The guy who would sleep with Brinlee in high school–a girl he wasn’t even attracted to because he’s gay and wasn’t ready to come out yet–just to get laid. I don’t know. To me, that says something.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that he cheated on me.”

“Nope,” I contend. “You are absolutely right.”

“Could you forgive?” he asks. “Let’s say Coney met some guy next week and fucked him in the showers. Could you forgive her?”

I open one of my notebooks, finding it necessary to divert my attention elsewhere. “I don’t know this Coney about whom you speak.”

“
Coley
. That woman in your bed who quoted poetry to you while you nailed her–” I blush, knowing that he heard that.

“
Created
poetry,” I correct him quietly.

“That’s even more disgusting. Anyway. Could you forgive her if she fucked some other guy?”

I swallow hard. “I mean, we’ve only been dating for a few days.”

“You’ve liked her for a lot longer. You dumped your girlfriend of four and a half years for her. You love her.”

“I know, but… we don’t have history yet. You guys had a lot of history.”

“You’re just making up excuses. Is she the girl of your dreams?”

I nod my head. “Yeah.”

“Then answer the question.”

I pick up my notebook and take it into the living room, getting comfortable in the recliner and staring at the wall across the room. Never in my life have I believed that a relationship I was in could survive infidelity of any kind. I’ve always known I would not be the one to cheat, and in my limited experience, it was always Zaina that I had envisioned in the scenario. I knew I would never forgive her if she cheated on me.

But I feel differently for Coley. I feel more for her; stronger, deeper. Does that mean I’d have a better chance of forgiving her if she were to betray me in such a way, or does it mean I would be hurt that much more, and even less inclined to take her back?

I can’t even imagine her doing anything like that to me, but I know the Trey and Coley bubble is pretty impermeable right now. It’s new and exciting; sweet and tantalizing. It’s pretty sturdy, and I don’t feel that changing any time soon. But later, will it weaken? Could she waver? Could her passion for life–for me–be directed elsewhere? I just… can’t.

But are there
really
relationships that are made to survive unfaithfulness like that? The answer has always been no for me. Maybe it’s not so black and white. Maybe the answer is more complicated than that. Like some relationships can’t survive the death of a child, or even a job loss or a move across the country. It could be the strength of the bond two people have. If it’s really strong enough, maybe it could actually survive an outside affair. It’s something I’d rather not consider for myself, but that
is
the question Max has posed.

“Like,” I begin, “I don’t think there’s anything that could break up my parents. Not that I think either of them would be unfaithful, but if that ever happened, I honestly think they could survive it.” And I do. If I believe that of my parents and strive to have that with my own wife one day, then… maybe the answer could be yes.

“We aren’t talking about the match made in heaven. I’m talking about you and Coley. Could you forgive her?”

The reality is that it’s not something I can wrap my head around today. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about her doing that. I shake my head. “No, but–”

“Then stop trying to get me to forgive him, okay? Be friends with him all you want, but please tell him to move on. I have. How would you like it if I decided to hound you for the next year and a half to take back Zaina because I firmly believed I knew better than you did?”

“I’d be pissed and annoyed,” I answer meekly. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Max. I never really looked at it that way.”

“It’s okay,” he says. “I wish it had never happened. I wish I could forgive him. I just can’t move past it,” he admits.

“I don’t know what it takes to move past something like that,” I say aloud. “Maybe more years together. More life experience? A bond forged together by children? Who knows? And while I hope I never have to consider such monumental forgiveness, I do hope to have that connection with someone–with Coley–someday. The years. The experiences… even the kids. I want it all with her.”

He stares at me from across the room. “You’re really sure about her, aren’t you?”

“Unwavering in my confidence, Max. I’ve never felt such a part of another person before. Where her needs may as well be my own. She’s like an extension of myself, but better in so many ways. She’s delicate and beautiful, feisty and expressive, sexual and sensitive. Spontaneous and exciting. I love being around her, and I like myself even more when I’m with her.”

When I look up at Max, he’s smiling from ear to ear. “I don’t want to admit that I think there’s a spark between you two that I never once saw with you and Zany. I want to be an advocate for her, I do… but five minutes with you and Coney, and I knew there’d be no use in even trying. Not because she had no chance–even though that’s true–but because I want you to be happy, Trey… I want you to have what Jon and Livvy have. What Will and Shea have. Fuck, what your mom and dad have… And with some relationships, when the love is strong, it leaks out and surrounds the people who come near them. That’s what happened to me tonight. I had every intention of confronting you about Zany… but any negative feelings I had before I walked in here were gone after a few minutes with the two of you.”

“Well, to be fair, Coley has no enemies.”

“And neither do you.”

“Well, it’s obvious that’s not true after what happened yesterday.” I sigh.

“Asher Knoxland doesn’t count as a human being, Trey,” Max says assuredly. “Jon told me what he did to Jenny.”

“He’s ruined so many lives.”

“But he won’t ruin any more. And fuck him. He was your only enemy for his own selfish reasons–not for anything you did to him.”

“I apparently started dating the girl he wanted.”

“Fuck that. He didn’t own her, and she wanted you. Look, you’re the best guy I know. And if Coley’s got the same character and values you have, then nothing but great things can come out of this relationship.”

“You called her Coley,” I tell him.

“I can be serious every now and then. And seriously… I like her. For her and for you.”

“Thanks, Max.”

“Didn’t you get up to eat?” he asks, only after taking the last bite of food.

“I suddenly wasn’t hungry. Do you want to help me with something? Now that you’re awake?”

“What?”

“I have to move. I can’t stay in this place knowing what happened here. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what I saw. Will you help me start looking for places online? I want to narrow it down so I can just go to a few places tomorrow and get everything sorted out.”

“You’re going to go out in public? Tomorrow?”

“My skin is crawling. I don’t know if I was in shock earlier, but all of a sudden, being inside this apartment is about the
last
place I want to be. A woman was brutally raped right there. Coley and I were victimized, right in this living room. I don’t like it here anymore.”

“Sure, I’ll help,” he says. I hand him my iPad and give him some parameters for my search. “Do you think you might get rid of this couch? Because it’s super comfy.”

“No, Max. You’re not taking my couch.”

“Fucker.”

chapter twenty-three

“It’s really fun having your dad on security detail,” I tell Coley with a hint of sarcasm as we sit in the backseat of his unassuming sedan.

“Without him, you wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, Jackson,” my father says from the front passenger seat. “He’s the only reason you were able to sneak away from your apartment today, and his adept driving skills are the only reason we’ve escaped the paparazzi the few times they’ve spotted us. So I’d be thanking him, if I were you.”

“I do appreciate it, Martin. I’m just frustrated with the situation. I hope you understand.”

“I do,” he tells me, meeting my eyes through the rearview mirror.

I squeeze Coley’s hand in mine. “Thanks for coming with me today.”

“I don’t want to stay alone with Asher still out there–especially at your place. I think moving is a good idea. You didn’t like the last apartment?”

“I loved the building. I just didn’t like the location.”

“I agree,” her dad says. “It didn’t feel safe.”

“Three-twenty-one West 110
^th
. Is this the place?” Dad asks me.

I look out the window up at the tall building, feeling nervous already. “This is the one.” I’ve been emailing the building manager all morning. By some stroke of luck, they have a penthouse available. It’s on the 22
^nd
floor with amazing views and a nearly six-million-dollar price tag. With all the other places, I was looking to rent. But this place is for sale, and if it lives up to the pictures and the hype Max and I read about the building last night online, then I want to buy it.

Or rather, I want Dad to finally make that investment for me. I don’t have that kind of money yet. It’s why I asked him to come along, not that he realizes that yet.

“Really close to where you are now.”

“It’s nice being close to school… and I like the area. I’m used to everything here.”

“I like it.” Martin seems pleased with the corner locale right across from Morningside Park. I love it, too. It’s what I love about my current place, but this building is even closer to Central Park, too–only a block away.

“You’ve still got a Starbucks,” Coley says as her dad parallel parks in a designated spot.

“Let’s go see what they have,” Dad says. Coley and I pull up our hoods. Just as we’ve done all day, she and her father exit the car first. If there’s going to be any commotion, it’ll come when people see me or my father, and we all decided we wanted Coley to be as far away from it as possible. “Do you know what we’re looking at?”

“Three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath.”

“Square footage?”

“Well… over twenty-one-hundred square feet,” I tell him quickly.

“What? That’s huge.” I get out of the car when I see an opportunity where few people are on the sidewalk. Dad meets me inside a few seconds later. We’re all relieved that we’ve made it to this appointment with no crowd.