In This Life (16 page)

“You didn’t try to find me,” I said, staring at him indignantly. “You’re a liar.”

My mood had changed drastically. I was embarrassed about the thoughts that ran through my mind earlier that day. There I was, pushing Dante away for an idea in my head that had probably never been there. I sat up straight and began gathering the empty wrappers around me, stuffing them in their original bag with the empty paper cups. This was me, always cleaning up after everyone. Always making sure to leave things the way they should be.

“I want to know,” I huffed. “I want to know why you left me that morning.”

“I mean, does that make sense to you? To change my entire life’s direction based upon a ten-day fling? If I stayed—if I had stayed, I would’ve been on the plane back to the states with you. And I couldn’t let my family down.” This guy just kept pulling all the punches. The questions in my head had quickly evaporated. We were in an endless loop of whys and hows and neither of us knew where this was heading.

I lifted myself up, paper bag in hand. “You’re right, it doesn’t make sense. So I’m going to leave now. Goodbye, Jude. Don’t ever show up at my hospital again.”

He covered his face with his hands before nodding his head and keeping his eyes on the ground. It was as if he had anticipated my reaction. He swallowed sharply before letting out a deep breath and closing his eyes. I chastised myself for wanting to touch his hair one last time. Or his shoulders. Or his lips. But instead I urged my feet to walk in the opposite direction, as far away as possible from this catastrophic predicament, this calamity, this destruction.

I FOUND ANOTHER
batch of missed calls from Dante on my phone, but I didn’t call him back until I was home and settled into bed for the night. I didn’t cry, couldn’t cry. Somehow, the years that passed had tempered my expectations and disappointments, stored them somewhere deep inside. I couldn’t seem to find my bearings. Like a flash of lightning or a burst of stars, these tears had manifested themselves in spurts over a steady period of time, and then they were gone. For years I had played the scene of our reunion over and over in my head. And it sure hadn’t involved something as unimaginable, as unattainable, as ridiculous as this.

I propped my phone up against the headboard and quickly dialed Dante’s number, posing in front of the camera as I waited for him on the other line.

“Look at you, Spark,” Dante mused, smiling from ear to ear. You look like an angel sitting among the clouds.”

I wanted him to ask me. I knew he was dying inside. I was too. I wanted to tell him that it would all be okay, but I couldn’t. Finally, he broke loose.

“Did you see Jude?”

“I did.”

“And?”

“Nothing much really. We just caught up a little bit and he confirmed that he’s going to be ordained in May of next year.” I scratched the tip of my nose nervously.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course,” I said. I made it a point to change the subject. “So, when do you come back to New York?”

“Spark.” He rubbed his hands together and leaned forward so that our faces touched on camera.

“You didn’t answer me, Tey. When are you coming back?”

“Spark,” he said again, this time with a mischievous grin on his face, “it’s been two weeks. I’m horny. Show me.”

I rolled my eyes. This was such bad timing on his part. “What? No, not tonight. I’m so tired.”

“But you promised!” he whined. “Come on, come on, come on,” he dared.

I was visibly irritated, flicking my eyes from side to side in coordination with my head. “Seriously? Please! I’m so tired. Let’s talk tomorrow, okay? I’m going to bed now.”

“Fine,” he said, sulking.

“Okay, bye.” I hung up the phone feeling horrible. I knew the way that I reacted only served to show him how affected I was by Jude’s sudden appearance in our lives. I slid off the bed and stood in front of my bathroom mirror. My hair rested limply against my shoulders, and my eyes looked murky and dark. I leaned against the sink and closed my eyes.
What if? What if this was the choice that would lead to my fate? What if I never got this chance ever again?

And suddenly, the clouds disappeared. I saw the sudden burst of beautiful sunshine, the waters of Thailand, the sun, the sea.

It wasn’t over. As clear as that one day in the spring, when all I saw was the endless sky stretched out against the blue horizon in his eyes, it wasn’t over. I could never stand up against his God. My God, our God. I didn’t intend to try to change his mind.

But I would take six months of him. No reservations, no regrets. If I learned anything about losing my mother, it was that time waits for no one. It will shake you off, walk away and leave you in its dust.

I had to call Dante back to tell him how sorry I was for hurting him. I paced around the room, redialed his phone number, and patiently waited for him to answer it. The merry sound of Christmas carols leaked in through the paper thin walls of my apartment; someone was singing along and someone else was laughing hysterically.

“Hello?” he answered testily, the way someone would address a pestering telemarketer.

“Hi. I’m sorry. I can never lie to you. Yes, I’m feeling sucky tonight.” I tried to sound as repentant as I could. There were two rosaries on the night table. One made out of wood and another made out of pressed roses. I snatched the prettier one in my fingers and began to twist it around.

“Yeah, okay,” he responded in a dry tone.

“You’re mad. I get it.”
Twist, twist, twist.

He exhaled loudly. “Look, Anna. I lived in this guy’s shadow for the first few years after you lost your mom. I thought you were over him. Apparently you’re not.”

“Who said that? How do you know that? I—” I started out. No, no. It was time to cut to the chase. “I’m not. And I have to do something about it.” I pulled open the drawer, retrieved a golden pouch and slipped the rosary in its case.

“What is it about him, Spark? I’m so fucking angry right now!”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, find the fuck out and get it out of your system. I love you so much, why can’t that be enough for you?”

“But it is! It is enough for me. It’s just that I have some unfinished business with Jude that I have to put to rest. I need to do this. I need to find out why he’s still here when he shouldn’t be. It should be me and you, and yet he lingers, he persists. My feelings seem to feed him, keep him alive in my head. Please, Tey. Let me figure this all out. Give me some time.”

“Are we breaking up, Spark?”

“We have to. Separate. I’m done with living two lives. He was always here. In between us, he was always here.”

“This is all just bullshit. I can’t do this anymore. We’ll talk when I get back. In the meantime, good luck with whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish.”

“Dante, please—”

The line went dead. It didn’t go silent, it didn’t go blank. It separated him from me for good, it killed us, devastated him, set me free. Our line, our connection, our love, gone. Just like that.

IT HAD BEEN
three days since Dante and I last spoke. There were no call backs, no desperate messages nor admissions of newly discovered doubt or regret. I didn’t expect much from him in that sense. In a way, it was a welcome respite from the inevitable decision that I’d made. We were always so good at indulging in the day to day. That’s what we were doing. Existing until we would be forced to face the truth. And for his part, Jude had stopped coming to the hospital. Maybe things would work out on their own.

Instead of slowing down for the holidays, the emergency room was bursting with activity. Amidst the Christmas trees and bright lights and gaudy decorations, there were tears of joy and sorrow, some lives saved and some lost. Doctors and nurses tried to keep the upbeat mood by wearing awful reindeer ties and Santa embellished scrubs. I was finally off for two days, intent on catching up on some Christmas shopping before being on call for the rest of the year. My shopping list was short, made up of the only people whom I could really call my family. A PlayStation One for Mikey, bought with my saved up lunch money, a special gift for Dante, some books for my dad, a scarf and hat for Maggie, and something I still hadn’t figured out for Donny. For the first time in my life, I didn’t get to send out any Christmas cards. The demands of work and home had just spiraled out of control. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that my life would turn out this way. The reversal of fortune, the task of bringing up a young man full of promise, the loss of my parents and of our home. Through it all, Dante had been by my side. And here I was, casting him aside for someone who had no right to my heart.

That day at the mall, I thought about Jude. I wondered where he was and how he would be spending his Christmas. I imagined what he would look like, all decked out in priestly garb to celebrate the church’s most important event.
Is it worth it?
I wanted to ask him.
Is the love of a congregation enough to forsake the love of a woman? Does it keep you warm at night? Does it hold you and support you and steer you through the darkest hours? Does it fill the loneliness in your heart? Does it satisfy your need, fill your soul?

I could have loved you,
I wanted to tell him.
I could have given up my entire life for you, followed you anywhere in the world.

If only you had chosen me.

THE BRISK WINTRY
chill of a snowy night in the city followed me through the front door of my apartment. I arrived home to find Mikey parked in front of the TV, one hand on the game controller and the other around a can of Mountain Dew. The Christmas lights on the tree flickered on just as the timer went off. The place was a far cry from the extravagant living conditions of our former home or of the home that Dante had shared with us, but we had what we needed—a couch, a dining table, a bed, and two nightstands—and it was pointless to fret about furnishing a place that was occupied for only a few days a week. Mikey was only home from school for the holidays, and I was still completing my rotation at the hospital.

“Hi,” I greeted him as I unbuttoned my coat, hanging it on the wooden peg in the closet. My gaze settled momentarily on a pair of Chanel ballet flats placed neatly by the corner of the shoe rack. It was the only pair of my mother’s shoes that I’d kept, a bit too small, saved as a reminder of our former life and the love that she had for all things fine and beautiful. “What’d you do all day?”

“Nothing much. Just relaxing,” he answered, his eyes glued to the screen. “Do you think we can order some dinner?”

“I can make you some mac and cheese,” I answered as I walked towards the kitchen counter. “I won’t have much cash to spend until payday on Thursday. Sorry.”

“Mac and cheese sounds good. Thank you, Annie,” he said respectfully.

I headed into the bedroom to change into my pajamas. Minutes later, I laid out some wrapping paper and a pair of scissors on the table before placing a kettle of water on the stove to make myself a cup of tea. I sat on the couch next to him and watched as he packed up his console and turned the TV off.