In Too Deep (7 page)

Jake turned before he shut the door behind him. “We are right upstairs. You need
anything
, you come get one of us. Okay?” Sam nodded in agreement and they both gave me another quick peck on the cheek.

I smiled.

“Okay?”

“Yes. Yes. Okay. Now go study!” The last thing I needed on my plate was worrying about their grades as they tried to nurse me back to whole. They couldn’t fail out. I would never make it without them.

Stacy and I laid in our beds in the dark and talked until the wee hours of the morning. She played a great Devil’s advocate. Sometimes it pissed me off, but sometimes it helped me to see things from someone else’s point of view; a view that wasn’t skewed by my own weaknesses.

“So, what now?” she asked as though there was no question in my mind that I was done with Noah.

“I guess I wait and see if I can trust him again.”

“What?!” I heard her sheets rustle so I knew she sat up to yell that at me.

“He came by Saturday afternoon and really opened up to me. He’s devastated, Stacy. He still loves me and says he wants me to give him another chance. I have already started trying to let go. But if he wants to try to work it out, I can’t say no.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“Both.”

She sighed and flopped back down. Then silence. Nothing. I hated disappointing people. I just wanted people to be happy with me. Maybe that’s why this hurt so much. Noah was right, I felt it was something
I
was missing that made him stray. If he had been happy with me, he wouldn’t have gone elsewhere for sex. And I hadn’t heard from him since Saturday afternoon, maybe he
wasn’t
as devastated as he seemed. Maybe he
would
be okay without me.

“Gracie.” Stacy’s voice startled me.

“What?”

“I wasn’t going to tell you this because I am so effing pissed at him…”

“What?” My heart raced. Did I want to know what she was going to say? I didn’t know whether to hold my ears or jump up onto her bed to get a better listen.

“He called me today.”

The whole world fell away from me at that moment. My ears got hot, I started to quiver, and I sat up so fast I cracked my head on the bottom of her bunk.

“Ow. Shit. Well…well? What did he say? You better tell me every word he said and in the exact way he said them!” I wrestled with the sheets and blankets until I was standing, staring straight at her.

I could see her face in the strips of moonlight coming through our blinds. I was breathless. Every sweet, romantic thing he had ever said to me came rolling back into my mind. My heart puffed up with anticipation. He loved me. He really loved me. He called.

“He called to check on you. He wanted to make sure you were all right. And…”

“And?” Tears streamed down my hot cheeks, and my chest heaved. My body hummed. This was my Noah. This was the romantic side no one ever expected. That’s when I realized I still had hope.

“And he asked if I thought you would forgive him and take him back.”

I froze. Images of him smiling and us walking on campus laughing and holding hands flooded my brain. I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole of beautiful, happy memories of what we once were. I remembered the shock of our first kiss, the day in his room when he told me he loved me the first time, his tearful goodbye when he left for school, and the night I gave a piece of myself to him that no one else could ever have. And the reason why his cheating hurt so much. The night we made love for the first time, my soul married his. How do you undo that simply and without pain? You can’t. You just can’t. The pain was there as a means to hold us together. I was only a partial person without him. I knew I couldn’t live like that.

“And you said…”

“I told him you’d be a fucking idiot to take a piece of shit like him back. That’s what I told him. Then I slammed down the phone and ran up to Jake and Sam’s. That’s when we decided to order out. Don’t
tell
me you are even considering this! Please. You are so much smarter than that.”

All of my emotions intertwined, and I couldn’t stand still. I was still in so much pain from his betrayal, but at the same time, I was elated that he was proving he really wanted me back. He really did love me. I didn’t have to say a word, Stacy knew what I was thinking. She grumbled something about spending the semester feeling like she was living a repeat episode of some awful soap opera. But it wouldn’t be like that. Yes, he had to prove himself, and his trustworthiness had to be flawless for it to work. He needed to understand that he was the one responsible for rebuilding my trust and that wasn’t going to be an easy task. I was even more insecure about myself than I ever was before. There was the potential for him to translate “insecure” as “clingy,” but he was going to have to bite that bullet and help me through. It was all on him. He had a lot to prove. He had to prove to me that I could trust him. He had to prove he would never make that mistake again. He wouldn’t.

He couldn’t.

I fell asleep with a smile on my face, still listening to Pearl Jam, “Oceans.” My gentle lullaby that night was Eddie’s voice telling me it was okay to think about Noah’s touch and to hold on even when the currents shift because he will be there.

Ten

Like clockwork, over the next week and a half, Noah texted me three times every day. He had a copy of my schedule from when he was pledging so he basically knew my every move. I could count on a
Good Morning
text before I even left the apartment, some sort of
Hope your day is going well
text on my way home for lunch and a
Sweet Dreams
text in the evening, sometimes just as I laid my head on my pillow. I didn’t see him at all, and I never once texted him back the first week. He remained focused on me regardless. The second week I started texting him back.

It was Friday, exactly two weeks since the night of the formal and just a day short of two weeks since Noah had come to the apartment pleading his case. We hadn’t laid eyes on each other since. He wasn’t being pushy, he was giving me space. Stacy and I did absolutely nothing the weekend in between but watch movies and eat ice cream. Jake and Sam popped in a couple times but said they felt out of place in, what they dubbed, “the estrogen fest.”

I was on my way home from class wondering if Stacy made good on her promise to surprise me with awesome plans for the evening when my phone buzzed. I answered it right away and said, “You have amazing plans for us, don’t you?”

“Uh…I hope you think they’re amazing.”

Not for a second did I suspect the call to be from anyone other than Stacy. I certainly wasn’t expecting to hear Noah’s voice. I stopped dead in my tracks on the sidewalk and steadied myself against the fence woven between the Science buildings.

“Noah.”

“Hey.”

I silently tried to talk myself out of a full-blown panic attack. There was no way I could speak more than one word at a time.

“Gracie?”

“Yeah.”

“God, it’s so good to hear your voice. Baby, I miss you so much.”

I nodded. I knew full well he couldn’t see me, but I needed to focus on not hyperventilating.

“I need to see you. Can you come out to the party tonight? No pressure. I just want you to be near me.”

I looked around nervously for someone to hand the phone to so I could outrun the panic that was filling my chest. I hadn’t expected it to be this hard to accept Noah back into my heart, but it was like my heart was warning me to run as fast as I could.

“I’m expecting too much. I get it. I’ll let you go. Thank you for answering.” There was a long silence. I could hear him breathing. “Bye, Gracie.”

“Bye.”

I spent the next three hours trying to talk Stacy into going to the party with me. I knew I would never be able to walk in alone. I wasn’t sure how my body would react when I saw him. She finally agreed then called Jake to see if he would come, too.

Stacy begrudgingly helped me pick something out to wear that was understated and simple. A concert tee, olive drab cargo capris and my Doc Martens. The three of us walked to the Sigma Chi house just as the sun was going down.

“Would you look at this line? Gracie, we will never get in.”

“I’ll text Noah that we are here and we’ll see what happens.” Part of me wanted him to ignore the text so Stacy would insist we leave and I wouldn’t have to deal with whatever was coming my way on the other side of that door. I thought I’d be excited when I was finally this close to him. I wasn’t. I was scared to hurt again.

Hey. Stacy, Jake and I are in line. Outside.

Noah must have been standing at the door because he was at the back of the line in seconds.

“I’m so glad you came.” His whole face lit up and he was smiling from ear to ear. He shook Jake’s hand and hugged Stacy. I could tell he was relieved that I was there but he was guarded in how to greet me. He took my hand and nodded in the direction of the door. He was nervous. I was nervous. Stacy was still pissed off and poor Jake was along for the ride. We passed to the front of the long line and went right inside.

When I realized skipping the line was a privilege saved for the brothers’ guests, I gloated with an ear-to-ear grin. In my mind, I was beauty queen waving all the way.

Apparently, we also didn’t have to wait for beer. I had no doubt that was a staple that never stopped flowing at Sigma Chi, no matter the day. Stacy got over her anger at him after they walked away from me and chatted in an out-of-the-way spot. I was almost close enough to read their lips. But with the pounding music and the roaring conversation and laughter that filled the lobby, I couldn’t begin to
hear
anything they said. Although, Stacy’s “if you hurt her again I will kill you” was loud and clear on her mouth as she poked him in the chest and walked back over to me. Then things were mostly back to normal. Mostly.

I spent the first twenty minutes casually talking and laughing with Noah, Jake and Stacy while I tried to nurse the nagging ache in my gut that made me feel everything I did that night needed to be perfect.

Noah walked away from us a couple times to help with party-goers at the door. Each time I watched him like a hawk remembering what it felt like to lose track of him at Jake and Sam’s party.

Something about having both Jake and Stacy there eased my nerves a bit. Noah couldn’t do something stupid. They would surely kill him. There was no doubt he knew that.

When Stacy’s favorite song came on, she grabbed Jake and I and pushed us toward the dance floor.

“I really don’t feel like dancing,” I yelled over the music straining so hard I made myself cough.

“Come on, Gracie. It’ll feel good to let loose a little.” Jake smiled, his eyes pleading.

“I got her.” Noah called to them from behind me. “You guys go have some fun and I will stick with Gracie. Won’t let her out of my sight.” He draped his arm over my shoulder and I melted when his warm skin touched the back of my neck.

Stacy looked torn. She really loved parties for the chance to show off what a good dancer she was, but at the same time she waited for the okay from me. I nodded and smiled. She seemed hesitant, but made a sign with her hand for me to call her if I needed her. I nodded again. She locked arms with Jake and they were off.

“Can we go to my room for a little bit?” His voice was hopeful, and I wanted to be alone with him. I wanted to see what it felt like now.

It was nice to walk into a quiet room, away from the chaos. Noah flipped on some music and we cut through the discomfort with small talk. The stories he told of what went on inside that house were unbelievable.

We ran out of things to say and an awkward silence seeped in. He poured me a beer from the pitcher on the coffee table. He handed me my cup and leaned in to kiss me. My stomach lurched. I kissed back, but that sickness in my stomach was something I had been trying to swallow since I got there. I was mad at myself for kissing back. I was essentially giving in to something I didn’t want to do, but I ached for his lips on mine. It made me feel dirty because he wasn’t all mine anymore. I’d unwillingly shared him with Steph, Madison, and Ivy. A part of me wondered if I really knew this person I loved. I would never have given up my virginity if I had a doubt that he would revert back to his old self. He was going to have to work for this. Just as Stacy and Jake showed up at Noah’s door, his phone rang with an obnoxious ring tone. I went over to pour them some beer from our pitcher when I realized Noah was whispering. I glanced up at him and held my breath, hoping I could make out what he was saying. All I heard was “Okay, bye.” Pretty innocuous. But it was the look on his face that almost knocked the wind out of me.

“Who was that?”

“Uh, no one.”

“Seriously, who was it?” I giggled a nervous laugh out of sheer discomfort. This wasn’t funny. I gave him the “we are doing this different this time, no lies” look.

“Uh…it…it was Madison… It was a number I didn’t recognize. I didn’t know it was her.”

“What?!” I was a very gentle person. I supported PETA, wished I could be in the Peace Corp, and was a member of Greenpeace. But when he said her name, I was ready to change all that and beat the pulp out of her.

“Sorry.” He seemed sincere.

“So, what did she want?”

“Actually, she didn’t want to upset you, so she was calling to see if you were here tonight because she wouldn’t come if you were.”

“Oh, that’s mighty nice of her. So she knows I know…about her…and you.”

I turned and looked at Jake and Stacy who were sheepishly turning to leave Noah’s room to head toward the pounding music but stopped when they heard the conversation.

“Yeah, she really feels terrible.”

“It’s in the past, Noah. Maybe you should tell her I am over it and she should just come out.”

“Yeah, right.” He chuckled nervously. And Jake and Stacy looked stunned.

I didn’t budge. My fists clenched behind my back and my pulse rose.

“Really? Are you serious?”

“Sure. Better yet, let me call her.” He looked really nervous, but slowly handed me his phone. I clicked over to recent calls and hit the callback button next to the last incoming call.

“Hey Noah.” I could hear her smiling when she answered. Sickening.

“Hey, Madison, it’s Gracie, I’m calling you from Noah’s phone.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Hey, listen, I just wanted you to know that Noah and I are fine. I am not mad about what happened. We got through it and I don’t want you to think you have to avoid me or check with him before coming out to parties with your sisters.”

“Oh…oh…are you serious? That is so cool of you.”

“Yeah, well that’s how much I trust him. It’s all good. I would love to hang with you. Why don’t you just head over, the band’s about to start.”

“Oh, wow. Char get your jeans back on, we are going to Sigma Chi!” she yelled. “Hey, thanks...thanks for being so cool about this.”

“No thanks necessary. See you soon?”

“Yeah, see you soon.”

I hit end and turned with a nasty grin on my face. Stacy and Jake were still frozen at the door when my head exploded.

“I’m going to bust her fucking head in. I can’t wait until she gets here! She won’t know what hit her.” The words slithered from my lips like venom.

Stacy poured me another beer as I paced around the room. Noah gawked at me, stunned. He picked up his phone and turned his back to me.

“I will kill her.” My words came out all breathy because my heart and lungs were trying desperately to keep up with my adrenaline. I was convinced I could shred her.

“Oh, no, no, no. This isn’t good.
Noah
!” Stacy spun around toward Noah.

He held up his finger as I heard him say, “Tonight’s not going to be a good night to come. Just stay. Just please don’t come tonight.”

And with that, I pounded the freshly poured beer, and Stacy, Jake and I headed out to see the band. Head banging music was exactly what I needed at that moment. Noah soon found us and we let loose with the band. Danced our asses off.

Noah told us he had to head upstairs, but I missed where he said he was going when the speaker let out some nasty feedback that caused everyone to simultaneously hold their ears. Stacy and Jake said they were ready to leave and they begged me to come with them. But I wanted to stay. I needed to be close to Noah that night after finding out he may still be talking to Madison. I found him upstairs sitting at a big table playing poker with some of the brothers. No girls around him. Party going on downstairs without him. Not a bad sign. Maybe I didn’t have anything to worry about anymore.

I breathed in a sigh of relief and walked over to sit on his lap. He laid his left arm across my lap and rubbed my leg with his thumb. My whole body warmed at the feel of his familiar gentle touch. He pressed me into him and held me there for a couple of seconds and I had to catch my breath. My body was craving his. A couple brothers looked up and winked at me, a couple said, “hey,” and the ones I didn’t know just kept playing. I could do this. I could be this girl…for him. I would try harder to be who he needed me to be so this could work. My heart fluttered when his hand slowly made its way toward the space between my thighs. I knew what this meant. I reached down and squeezed his leg and turned to look at him. He smirked. “I fold.” He craved me, too. We excused ourselves to his room.