In Too Deep (11 page)

“Go, Gracie. Sleep.”

I turned and walked toward the stairs. Jake was my best friend, he had never turned me away. I walked down the stairwell and realized I may have just sacrificed the only thing holding me together.

Sixteen

December, Fall Semester, Junior Year

Turning me away that day was the best thing Jake could have done for me. Sure it felt like a slap in the face at that moment but that’s exactly what I needed. I had a long talk with Noah that night and told him I wasn’t caving on this. Drugs of any kind were never going to be okay with me. I told him I had no interest being around him if he was going to smoke pot.

Instead of having Noah take me home and bring me back for Thanksgiving break, which was just a couple days after the pot pow-wow in his room, Stacy and I rode home together. Technically, I guess, we didn’t break up the night he chose Lily over me, and things seemed strained after I basically gave him the “it’s pot or me” ultimatum. So, I purposely made tons of plans with Stacy. Noah and I texted, but we didn’t see each other at all over break.

It was actually nice reconnecting with Stacy over the weekend. After my fill of turkey and stuffing, I went to her house for dessert and stayed over. We got up in the wee hours of the morning to head out for Black Friday shopping. Thanksgiving break was just a long weekend so there was barely any time to miss Noah.

Noah called the night before we left to head back to school and begged me to ride with him. Stacy and I had been having so much fun, and it felt amazing to laugh as much as we were. I was really looking forward to our long ride back to school. He pouted when I said no, and I almost changed my mind and bailed on Stacy, but then I remembered the disappointment on Jake’s face and I decided to continue making my own decision regardless of what Noah wanted.

The ride proved worth it to ditch Noah. Stacy and I dumped our stuff in the apartment and ran right upstairs to share our leftovers with Sam and Jake. We barged right in hoping to surprise them, but that backfired as soon as the door swung open. Instead of finding Sam and Jake hanging out, we found Jake and Jessica in quite the naked tangle. They were on the couch and there was a pile of clothing next to it on the floor. Jessica quickly grabbed something from the pile to shield her naked torso and Jake jumped up, quickly pulling on and buttoning the jeans that were at his feet. He and I entertained a tacit glance until I turned when Stacy pulled me back out into the hallway.

We laughed it off the whole way down the stairwell, but my laugh wasn’t real. The unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach was unnerving.

“Hey. You okay?” Stacy ushered me into our apartment while she held the door with her foot. We walked into the kitchen and put the desserts in the fridge. I didn’t know how to answer her so I just shrugged and changed the subject.

“You want to see a movie tonight?”

“It’s no big deal walking in on them, you know. Greg’s roommate has walked in on us more than once. This is college, it happens.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” What she didn’t realize is that I wasn’t embarrassed that we walked in on them. The nagging sting in my chest was a result of seeing Jake with her…
with
her. They weren’t big on PDA so, except for the times she was
Oh God
-ing from the bedroom, their love life was pretty private. I had never seen them make out or do much more than a little kissing here and there. But seeing them like that did something to me that I couldn’t translate.

I plugged my cell phone into its dock in our room while we unpacked. I finished refolding some of the clothes I threw in my bag last minute and then grabbed a take-out menu from the kitchen and turned on Netflix to see what Stacy and I could get into for the evening.

“Hey, someone is blowing up your phone.” Stacy had been in our room meticulously unpacking for at least twenty minutes while I clicked through channels and tried to decide what I was hungry for.

“Throw it to me?”

“She peeked out from around the open door and tossed my phone across the living room.

There was a whole string of texts from Noah. Some must’ve come in after my phone died in the car.

You back yet?

Wanna come up for pizza later?

Are you ignoring me?

Gracie.

Please call me when you get back.

Are you getting any of these texts?

Gracie. I miss you
.

The last one had only come in two minutes prior to Stacy throwing my phone at me. My head was swimming. That was the most Noah had ever texted me in one day, let alone in one afternoon. My thumbs hovered over my keyboard while I tried to execute the perfect response to his pitiful plea for attention.

“Gracie! Help!” Stacy’s cry was half laugh and half desperation. I ran to her instead of texting Noah back. She stood in our closet balancing a stack of sweaters over her head that she wasn’t tall enough to push all the way back on the shelf.

“You know, if you just held them like that, they wouldn’t get the ‘fluff’ smashed out of them from the weight of that insane pile.” I smiled and watched her panic.

“Gracie!”

“I got you. Here.” I stood behind her and reached the top of the stack and pushed. My phone vibrated noisily over and over on the coffee table as other texts came in from Noah. I couldn’t wait to see them so I ran to the living room. Stacy squealed again, and I heard the soft thump of twenty-some sweaters hitting the floor. I heard her mumbling, but knew I didn’t want to know what she’d just called me for choosing Noah over her.

I plopped down on the couch and unlocked my screen.

Helloooooo?

What does a guy have to do to get your attention these days?

Why aren’t you answering your texts?

I giggled and gave in.

Me:
Sorry. Phone was dead.

Noah:
There you are. You are one hard girl to get ahold of

Me:
Good things come to those who wait

Noah:
OK. I waited. Now come up here.

Noah:
Please.

Me:
K. Miss you too. Be there in 10

Before I had my phone in my back pocket it buzzed again.

Jake:
Gracie. I am so sorry for earlier.

Me:
No, I’m sorry. We should’ve knocked.

Jake:
Ha. Yeah

Me: 
Next time

Jake:
Have a good break?

Me:
Too much food. Fun w Stacy.

Jake:
Wanna come up and talk?

I knew what he was referring to. I’d never forget the look on his face the day I showed up high. I hated that I disappointed him.

Me:
Can’t. Headed to Noah’s.

Jake:
Soon? I miss you.

Me:
Soon. Miss you too

I ditched Stacy and Jake to go spend time with Noah.

Seventeen

I walked to Noah’s anticipating a sweet welcome considering he was so intense about getting ahold of me.

“Hey Gracie,” Brad waved as he headed to the kitchen with a stack of dishes curled up in his other arm and balanced against his chest.

I waved and headed to Noah’s room. I hoped I wasn’t going to walk into something reminiscent of a Bob Marley poster like last time. I didn’t want another confrontation. I wanted him to take my stance on pot seriously. And I really missed him.

Before I had a chance to knock, he threw the door open and lunged into me. He wrapped his arms around me, pushed me across the hall and up against the wall.

“Noah, what in the world…”

“Gracie, it’s been too long since I’ve seen you. That makes me crazy.”

“It does?” I wasn’t sure what this heart-felt reunion was all about.

“Yes.” He ushered me into his room and closed the door behind us. “Here.” He walked over and sat on the couch and patted the cushion next to him.

“Hmm, no funky smell. You just smoking in someone else’s room?” I laughed when I said it but part of me knew he was always one step ahead of me and that could have been his plan. I wanted him to know I was on to him if that’s how he planned to get away with it.

“No, after you walked out and said you didn’t want to be around me if I was smoking, I spent the whole next week smoking.”

“Nice.” I rolled my eyes and sat with that cushion he patted between us.

“No, hear me out. I smoked so much pot that week I think I baked my brain. But getting high was only replacing what I was missing. You.”

“So, you can replace me with drugs. That’s real romantic, Noah.” I rolled my eyes.

“Gracie, listen. What I am trying to say is I thought I could but I can’t. I really like the feeling of being stoned, but I like the feeling of you better.” He moved to the cushion between us and put his hand on my knee. “If you are in my life, I don’t need drugs. Don’t walk away from me. I’m giving it up to show you how much I love you. I don’t need it. I need you.”

I was speechless. Noah hadn’t been this sensitive in quite some time. When he was trying to get me to break up with Joel he was, but I hadn’t seen this side of Noah for a long time.

“I really don’t like it, Noah.”

“I’m done. I didn’t know I could miss you as much as I did.”

“Do you love me, Noah?”

“Of course I do, Gracie.”

“Then tell me.”

“I love you, Gracie Jordan.”

I took his face in my hands and slowly pulled him to me. I brushed my lips across his then gave him a peck on each cheek. His eyes were closed like he was savoring every second. It made me smile. I pulled him in for a hug, and he nearly crawled inside me. He was pulling us together in a way that spoke volumes. I just wasn’t sure I could translate what he was saying.

“It scares me, Gracie.” He didn’t move when he spoke, just continued hugging me close.

“What scares you?”

“The emotions I feel for you. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. I get scared and I do something stupid to push you away then no sooner do you walk out and I’m dying to touch you.”

I pushed back and put my hands on his shoulders. “Why is loving me so scary? Doesn’t that just confirm that you want to be with me?”

“I guess it does, but I don’t always think I am ready for that. It’s like subconsciously I’m hurting you so you can move on and find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I don’t know if I can always give you that kind of love.”

His words held a weight that
I
wasn’t ready for. I felt like the room tilted. I closed my eyes not wanting to display any emotion that would cause him to change the way he was opening up to me. Before I could speak, tears slipped out from between my eyelids. I tilted my head forward and onto his shoulder hoping he didn’t see them trailing down my cheeks. I couldn’t take this kind of yo-yo love for much longer. It would crush me. Something had to change, and at that moment, I knew I was ready to fight. Stories like ours—bad boy meets good girl—don’t usually end up in the happily-ever-after category, but I’d be damned if I would let that stereotypical statistic doom us to Hell. I just needed to help him through his uncertainty. I needed to
love
him through it. I simply could not envision my life on campus without Noah. When I thought about it, my body would respond with panic. Instantly my palms would sweat and my teeth would start to chatter. That was one reason, but the biggest reason hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t walk away. Our relationship defined me. I didn’t know who I was without him.

“I’m not ready to give up on us.” I lifted my head as I spoke and Noah wiped my tears.

“Let’s get through these next couple weeks and then it’s Christmas break. We have a month at home together without any of the pressures we have here.”

“Okay. Please don’t give up on me.” A sob slipped from my mouth.

“If I ever gave up on someone, Gracie, it would be me, not you.”

Eighteen

The night before we all headed our separate ways for Christmas break, I was lying in bed trying to sleep, wondering if Noah was pulling one over on me with the whole pot thing. I hated struggling with trusting him, but ever since he cheated I picked apart every little thing he said so I wasn’t ever blindsided again.

Living my life like that was wearing me down. Stacy didn’t get it. I knew Becki respected me enough to not give me her opinion. “Figure it out on your own and you’ll be stronger for it,” was her mantra. The only person I knew I could trust to give it to me straight was one floor up and probably sound asleep.

Me:
Jake

Jake:
Gracie

Me:
You up?

Jake:
No, I often text while I’m sleeping

Me:
Smart ass

Jake:
You ok?

Me:
I need to talk but if you’re in bed, it can wait

Jake:
I’m unlocking the door now

Me:
Be right up

Jake:
Lock the door behind you and be quiet, Sam’s got a girl here

Me:
Ew

Jake: :)

I quietly got out of the bunk so Stacy didn’t wake up, grabbed my keys and looked in the mirror to wipe away any stray make-up left from the day. I was always too tired to wash my face before I slept, but I was graced with my mother’s complexion, and luckily there were no ill effects from my lax in hygiene. I put a hair tie around my wrist and looked down at what I had on—black cami and red shiny soccer shorts. I was one classy girl.

The hallway and stairwell were eerily quiet. I looked at my phone and realized it was two in the morning. I had no idea I had been lying awake that long. I never would have texted Jake had I known it was the wee hours of the morning.

I slipped into their apartment, bolted the door and assumed I’d find Jake on the couch studying but the living room was dark. I walked down the hall, tried not to hear whatever was going on in Sam’s room and carefully pushed open Jake’s door. He was lying on his side, covers tucked under his one arm and his other arm tucked under his head. He was a beautiful sight. Yes, we were just friends, but there was no denying how flawless he was. And those eyes. I shook my head and quietly walked over to his bed. I worried about what Jessica and Noah would think, but it’s not like I was planning on getting under the covers with him.

Before I knew what was going on, Jake grabbed me at the knees and threw me over his body and onto the empty side of his bed. I squealed at the surprise and then giggled so hard I got the hiccups. He always tried to outdo himself in ways to make me scream. I was an easy target. My imagination ran on overdrive, and he could always pick up on when I was zoning out, which is exactly what I was doing when I was standing next to his bed just then.