In Too Deep (13 page)

Twenty-One

I called Noah as I climbed into bed. We’d just spent the second weekend of break at his house watching our favorite movies and eating his mom out of house and home. His internship and the two-hour-round-trip commute were wearing him out. Christmas was next week, and that meant our month together was half over.

“Hey.” His voice was low and sharp when he answered.

“What’s wrong?” God, I hated when the conversations started off this way.

“I’m just tired, Gracie,” he snapped.

“I’ll let you go.”

“Don’t go all drama-queen on me. I’m not pissed at you, I’m just beat. This internship is killing me.” He yawned and I heard his covers brush over his phone.

“I wish I was there with you.”

“Well, you’d get to watch me sleep. That’s all I have enough energy to do.”

That was not the response I hoped for. I wanted him to say that having me in his arms would make his day and that he wished he could fall asleep with me against his chest.

“I’ll let you go. You should sleep.”

“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Noah. I love—”

And that was the end of that.

My olfactory system woke up before I did on Christmas morning. The smell of eggs and bacon, toast and coffee tormented me until I swung my legs over the side of my bed and forced myself upright. Noah was the first person I thought of. I couldn’t wait to give him the vintage concert t-shirt I found. Right after Christmas, Noah and his family always headed to New England to see his mom’s family and to ski at some resort in Vermont. He got special permission from the company he was interning with to do a research paper in place of the last week of his internship. He’d be gone for New Years so Christmas day was the only day I would see him before we headed back to UT. I grabbed my phone and started to text him but decided to wait for him to text me first.

“Wow, Mom. You went all out!” I couldn’t believe the spread that was before me. In addition to the smell of eggs and bacon that lured me to the kitchen before my eyes were open, there were, muffins, fruit salad, bagels and flavored cream cheese and three different kinds of fruit juices.

“I love when our house is full again.”

“Well, by the looks of it, you have invited half of McKenzie to share it with us.”

She laughed. She knew she always made way too much food, but it was her way of loving us. Food was the answer for everything. Sad? Cry into a carton of some ice cream. Happy? Celebrate with some chocolate cake. A rough week called for Mexican food. And apparently Christmas morning was a celebration of breakfast foods. All of them.

The four of us ate, opened presents and laughed for most of the day. It was different being an almost-adult on Christmas morning. There were no toys for my dad to put together, and we weren’t in a mad rush to unwrap everything all at once. Our family festivities lasted hours. It was slow and very sweet.

When everyone headed to the kitchen for seconds, I walked back to my room to get my phone. I laughed out loud when I saw there were four messages.

Stacy: 
Merry Christmas!

Sam: 
Ho! Ho! Ho!

Becki: 
Wait til you see what I got!

Jake: 
Hope Santa was good to you

I texted them all back and then gave in and texted Noah.

Me:
Merry Christmas. I love you.

He texted right back.

Noah: 
ILY2

Me: 
When will I see you?

Noah: 
My parents are going to a party at the neighbor’s tonight. Want to come hang here? We’ll be alone for a couple hours.

Me:
Sounds perfect

Noah:
Cool. Call you later

Me:
<3

I helped my mom clean up after the left-overs-for-lunch buffet while my dad and Hannah took naps. I was sure they were both in food comas.

She asked all kinds of questions about school and Jake and Sam. She asked about Noah and could probably tell I didn’t want to delve into that topic too deep.

“You two okay?”

“Yeah. He’s just stressing because of this internship.”

“I notice something different in you lately. You seem…I don’t know what the word is.”

She put the hand towel over her shoulder and turned around toward me to finish, “Gracie, you have always been the bright and bubbly spot in our lives. Your spirit sings when you enter a room, and lately it’s like someone has turned your volume down. It just worries me.”

I grabbed the towel off her shoulder and walked behind her to dry the stack of dishes on the counter. I needed to break eye contact because I was on the verge of breaking down. She described  the same girl Jake did just before we left on break. As I heard it leave her lips I tried to picture the girl she saw. I couldn’t.

“Gracie, just don’t let him steal away your joy. Please. No boy is worth that.” She stood behind me, put her hands on my shoulders, kissed me on the cheek and left me at the sink. I got the feeling she knew I was choking back tears. I buried my face in the cool, damp hand towel and cried until there were no more tears.

Twenty-Two

When I got to Noah’s, his parents had already left for their party. I thought about all the things we said we were going to do over break, but it all just got away from us. But the times we did have together were sweet.

“I can’t wait for you to see what I got you,” I squealed as I plopped down on the couch.

“Can I give you mine first?” He seems boyishly excited.

“No. Mine first.”

I handed him the gift bag and bounced up and down while I waited for him to open it, “Open it, open it!”

“All right. You’re so cute right now.” He took my chin in his hand and pulled it to him. He kissed me deeply and then sighed. A big smile spread across his face when I started bouncing again.

He opened it slowly, I assumed just to drive me crazy. When he saw what it was, he beamed.

“You like it?”

His eyes lifted to mine and he pulled me in for a deep hug. He held on longer than usual which took me by surprise.

“Where in the world did you find a real Melvins concert shirt?

“I have my sources.” I felt like Sam bragging about his connections. I waited for my comment to click with Noah but it didn’t. It made me sad that there was a distance between Noah and the two guys he used to do everything with.

I tried really hard to get Noah something meaningful that couldn’t be translated into
sappy
. The Melvins certainly weren’t sappy. They were one of the original grunge bands but were a little more hardcore than I typically enjoyed. But Noah loved them.

“My turn,” he reached down beside the couch and handed me a box. We shared a smile and a sweet kiss before he got a little giddy, too. “Open it.”

What was inside took my breath away. It was a ring. But not “the” ring. It was a delicate silver band with five letters etched deeply into the surface. G-R-A-C-E

“My name.”

“Sort of.”

I looked at him a bit confused.

“Gracie, I suck at being the guy I promised you I would be, but you have shown me so much grace and given me second, third, fourth…more than enough chances to get it right. Beautiful grace is what you give me. There are five letters on the inside, too.

“Trust.”

“I want you to be able to trust me. There are no secrets between us. Everything is out in the open. I know I have screwed up, but I don’t want you to worry one more day that I could ever love anyone more than I love you right this minute.”

“This is the best gift anyone has ever given me, Noah. It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

The rest of our evening was spent in each other’s arms. We didn’t make love that night, but what we did share seemed so much deeper. Noah being able to promise me that he had no more secrets was huge. It meant a lot to me. My heart felt renewed. This could be the new start we needed.

“Noah.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry all I got you was a t-shirt.” I giggled shyly and looked up at his face.

“I love my t-shirt, Gracie. And I love you.” He squeezed me tight, and I thought I felt something different between us. Or was it just hope?

Twenty-Three

January, Spring Semester, Junior Year

It was dark as I walked home from meeting with my advisor after deciding I needed to lighten my load. Eighteen credits were way more than I was ready for. I thought about Noah and the ring he gave me. It made me smile. Two weeks in and things were still wonderful between us. I was convinced we had been through the worst of our relationship. I hated walking home in the dark so it was good my mind was busy on something other than the possible rapist that could jump out from behind every bush, which was usually what I thought about. I must have the strongest heart ever. It had been through a lot over the course of my relationship with Noah, and my irrational anxiety didn’t give it any time to rest.

I was almost at the edge of campus when I saw the silhouette of a man sitting on the park bench that bordered the edge of campus and the sidewalk of College Avenue. My heart started pounding. I was headed toward the lighted street, so turning around and running away from the bench would doom me into darkness. I stood up straight, held my breath, feigned fearlessness, and kept walking.

Go ahead, jump out and get me, asshole, you can’t hurt me any more than I’ve been hurt. So, come at me.

When I got within three feet of the bench, I glanced over so I would know which way to run when the mad rapist lunged for me.

It was Noah.

He sat there with a smile on his face and a big basket of some sort next to him.

“Come and sit with me, beautiful.”

“Good Lord, Noah, you scared the crap out of me. What are you doing?”

He smiled and tucked some of my hair behind my ears as I sat down. I could still hear blood pumping in my ears with each beat of my heart. I concentrated on calming my heart rate while I waited for him to answer.

“I was waiting for you.”

“How did you know where I was?”

“I ran into Stacy earlier and told her I wanted to surprise you. She got all pissy and told me you wouldn’t be home because you had a meeting with your advisor. I guess she’s still pissed about last semester.” He rolled his eyes. “I know you only walk this pathway when it’s dark. It wasn’t rocket science.”

I couldn’t stop looking at his face. It was so gentle at that moment. He was smiling and his voice was calm and soft. I soaked up every detail and could almost feel my heart grow a little bit.

“What is that smell? Is there food in there?”

He nodded. “Mexican from Southern Solstice.”

I was starving and he had food from our favorite Mexican restaurant at the other end of town. This was all premeditated. He had to plan this...this wasn’t just serendipity. He was courting me, winning back my heart. It had been so long since I had such a peaceful feeling with him on this campus. I was almost dizzy with delight.

“Look, I know how shady much of what I did last semester looked. I cheated then I was distant. I pissed you off and stayed at the party with Lily that night. I smoked weed. I fucked up.” I just stared at him. My brain was reeling and my heart was stuck on pause.

“Can you forgive me?”

“Noah…I…” I didn’t even know what to say. I wasn’t sure if I ever forgave him for any of the shit he pulled. I pretended I did. He had never actually asked and I wasn’t sure I could be convincing with a “yes.” I was willing to put it out of my mind, but I wasn’t at the “forgive and forget” point yet.

“Listen, I fuck up a lot. I know I do. But I love you, Gracie. I know I don’t say it enough and I don’t show you enough. But this—the picnic, the ring—this is me making an effort. I want to make you happy, and I know I’ve been failing miserably lately.”

I sat and took in everything he said, fully expecting a camera crew to pop out of the bushes because the whole surprise picnic thing had to be a prank. It was too good to be true.

I just had to figure out how to hold on to the place we were at that moment, that mood he was in right then and there. I would have done anything to ensure he wouldn’t turn away from me again. I didn’t know what to say. I was frozen. Petrified to be the one to wreck that perfect moment. But my journey toward healing had to start with forgiveness. And this was my starting point.

“Of course I forgive you, Noah. As long as we agree that I had every right to see all those things for what they were. Deceitful and wrong.”

The words poured out of my mouth before I could stop them. I couldn’t believe what I had said. I had never stood up to Noah that way. I had never made him admit what he did was shitty. A shock of panic ran from my toes to the top of my head. I wasn’t sure which Noah would answer that question. But before I could process the situation enough to turn my question into something less accusatory, he answered me.

“You had every right to be pissed and every right to break up with me.” He pressed his full lips to mine. “Now, you need to start eating these tacos or we will be here all night.”

Picturing us sitting on that bench and talking for the whole night was the most beautiful scenario I could imagine. I threw out one ballsy question, and it didn’t piss him off. I so badly wished I could predict his reactions. They were never the same twice. I was always walking on eggshells. But right now, I was sitting and Noah was making an effort. I kicked the eggshells under the bench, smiled, and grabbed for a taco. Noah reached for my hand and pulled it to his mouth. He gently kissed across my knuckles. I watched him press one last kiss onto the back of my hand. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, as if he was trying to pull me so far into him that I would never run the other way.

“Look at them. Why can’t you be romantic like that?” Her voice startled me. I pulled my hand from Noah’s lips and turned to see a couple walking down the path past us. The girl smacked her boyfriend on his chest. He looked over at us and rolled his eyes.

“Thanks, dude. You make the rest of us look like idiots.”

Noah smiled and nodded. I smiled at the girl. If she had any idea what we had been through since fall semester, she may not have swatted at her boyfriend.

When our picnic was over, Noah walked me back to my apartment building. We couldn’t stay together on Thursday nights now because we both had eight o’clock classes on Friday, and we learned last semester that it was harder to get up after a night of sex and/or fighting. I actually didn’t want to stay together that night because it could very well ruin the previous two-hour park bench date. I hated that I felt our relationship was as unpredictable as a roll of the dice. But I had nothing to compare it to but Joel. I just assumed some relationships were rocky and some ran smoothly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Noah pulled me into him with the belt loops on my jeans. It was a little cool that night, and I wasn’t sure if the shiver that ran through me was from the cool breeze or if it was from sheer excitement.

“I’ll call you after class and maybe we can plan something?” I wasn’t intending it to be a question, but that’s the way it came out—like I needed his permission to call him. Noah didn’t always treat me the way the girl who smacked her boyfriend assumed. I let things go that I should have addressed because I was scared of losing him. I was trying so hard to heed Jake’s advice about not sacrificing who I was to keep the peace between Noah and me. But I had a hard time shaking that self-conscious little girl who was so afraid to look stupid. I may just have to pick and choose what to call him on as I worked up to being sure of myself. Stupid? Maybe. But I had to start somewhere.

“Sure. Sounds good.” He leaned in and tilted his head so our foreheads touched. He stared into my eyes, but didn’t say a word. If there was any time I wanted to read someone’s mind, it was at that moment. I smiled up at him and tried to harness the power I needed to see into his heart. And with that, the skies opened and it started to pour rain.

“Shit! I have to get this basket back without it getting ruined. It’s a Sigma Chi antique. See you tomorrow.”