In Too Deep (12 page)

“Jake! Sam probably heard me scream.”

“No, worries, he’s heard—”

I smacked him in the chest, “TMI. Jake. TMI!”

He smiled and fluffed his other pillow for me. I laid down facing him in the same position he was in. We just looked at each other smiling and still giggling from my near death experience.

“So, where’s Jessica? I figured she’d be here tonight, with break starting tomorrow.”

“Nope. She is doing that semester exchange program. She’s headed south to Louisiana for most of Spring Semester. She leaves really early tomorrow so we already said our goodbyes.”

“Ew. In
this
bed?”

“Relax, you’re safe.” He pushed my shoulder back and laughed.

“So, Jake. I need your help.”

“How ‘bout you tell me what made you get stoned with Noah, first?”

“Weak moment?” I winced a bit, hoping he would fall for it.

“It was more than that. Talk to me.” He scooted closer and tucked my hair behind my ear. I rolled over onto my back and crossed my arms over my stomach.

“Jake. I hate that I am even going to say this out loud, but…he makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. I mean, part of why he was so taken by me in the beginning was because of how innocent I was. He liked that I was so naïve and didn’t know about a lot of things. And now, it seems like he isn’t happy unless I sacrifice that for him.”

“Hm. That’s messed up.”

“Do you think less of me for smoking pot, Jake?”

“Gracie, our mistakes don’t define us, they help us make the choices that will one day be woven into who we become.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“You’re deep at two a.m.”

“Gracie, you can’t let him steal who you are. You need to make choices based on who you are…right here.” He poked his finger into my chest. “Don’t make decisions because Noah is standing behind them convincing you they are the right choices
for
you.”

“See, it makes so much sense when
you
say it. If I am thinking of someone else in the same situation, I would give them that exact advice, although not as scholarly as you just did.” I giggled and poked him in the bare chest that was peeking out above his comforter.

“So, take your own advice, Gracie.”

“It’s not that easy. It’s like he’s got strings tied to my emotions and my common sense. I can’t seem to think for myself when he wants me to do something I’ve never done before.”

“Does he make you feel guilty if you don’t want to?”

“Sometimes, but mostly he just makes me feel stupid. Like I’m too immature to make a sound decision. So, he makes it for me.”

“Gracie! Only
you
should be controlling the things you are doing with your mind…and…your body. Gracie, please don’t let him take things from you that you aren’t ready to give. Promise me.”

“It’s not like that, Jake. It’s not like he knows he’s making me feel that way. I just do. I guess maybe I am just reading into his expressions and assuming what he’s thinking. Maybe I am just too insecure around him to think straight sometimes.”

“I wouldn’t doubt that he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’ve seen him in action.”

I had never been conscious of the things we spoke about in Jake’s bed. It was like pieces came together when Jake and I spoke. My thoughts flowed freely and they made sense. I never felt like I had to be anyone but me when I talked to Jake. He was so comfortable. I rolled over on my side again so I could see him as he spoke.

“You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel that way, Gracie. Look, Noah is my friend but I have seen what he can do. He’s crushed more than a few girls on this campus. I know we’ve all seen him make a big change, but you still have to be careful.”

“I know, Jake. He wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. I know he loves me. I think he just wants me to be a little more adventurous. I think he gets sick of the goody-two-shoes-Gracie.”

“The Gracie I know,” he laid his hand on my cheek and kissed me on the tip of my nose, “is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. Her smile lights up a room and everyone feels her joy because, take it or leave it, she comes with no pretenses. You get all of her. The second you meet her, you’ve got her heart. And her security in her convictions is what makes her shine.”

Tears flowed in a stream across my face and onto the pillow under my head. Jake gently placed his hand on the side of my face and wiped the tears away with his thumb.

“Oh, Jake.” I sobbed out his name and crumbled in his bed. I didn’t know how he could still see me as the girl he just described. I wasn’t sure I even remembered her.

“Come here, Gracie. Let me hold you.” He lifted the covers so I could climb under. He enveloped me in all that was Jake—his strength, his honesty and an indescribable level of friendship I never knew existed. I didn’t know what was to come with Noah, but I knew Jake would never walk away from me. I didn’t know how to do life without him.

I slept soundly in Jake’s arms all night and woke up to a sweet kiss on the forehead, still wrapped up in him. There was something almost magical about the emotions and revelations I had when I talked to Jake. Sometimes it was as simple as deciding whether or not to change my major, and sometimes it was as complex as navigating a relationship that was dissolving beneath me. The platonic love he showed me was stunning.

Nineteen

Christmas Break

After a week of grueling finals, Noah and I were ready to run away together. I was excited to spend the long drive planning out exactly what we would do for the month we would be home. I felt a slight pang of guilt that I spent the night with Jake but was still floating from the connection we had. And the crying I did while he held me proved to be quite cathartic. I jumped out of his bed determined to never sacrifice who I was for a relationship, even the one that currently felt like it was hanging in the balance.

“Okay, so we can do the zoo, shopping and a long hike the first week, then—”

“Hang on.” Noah reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and took out his phone.

After “This is Noah,” I listened to all of his responses, which were mostly
yes
and
no, sure
and
thank you,
but I couldn’t figure out who he was talking to. So, when he hung up I was eager to hear who interrupted our Christmas break planning session.

“Gracie, I got it. I got the internship!”

“That’s great, Noah. What internship?” My stomach rolled and my hands started to shake. He decided on an internship without telling me about it, first. I was hurt.

“The one in Jackson. I’ll be working with an internal auditor at one of the big pharmaceutical companies there.” I panicked at the thought of him being that far away from me.

“That’s great, Noah. When is it?” I was happy for him but was unsure what this opportunity meant for us. Based on where we were in our relationship, I knew it couldn’t survive long distance.

“Monday. It starts this Monday!” He pounded on the steering wheel and bobbed his head all around. He was visibly excited for this internship that was cutting into our month home together. But I needed to stop being selfish. An internship was a big deal. We’d be out of school and getting jobs in less than two years.

“That’s great news. So, you have to move there?” I braced myself for the answer so I didn’t fall apart when he said
yes
. He let out a roaring laugh which made me wish I had braced myself so I didn’t feel stupid. I sunk into my seat like a little girl who just got laughed at by the class.

“Gracie, no. Jackson is only an hour away from McKenzie, and the internship is just for Christmas break. I’ll commute. But we will have to cut down our plans to just a few things we can do on the weekends before we go back to school.”

“Oh, I thought I wasn’t going to see you for all of break.”

“Gracie, you’re going to have to realize that being juniors means we will soon start applying for jobs. There’s a good chance we’ll be separated at some point. I don’t want that, but we have to be realistic.”

I didn’t want to think about that. Noah and I were just starting to understand the issues in our relationship and why he kept pushing me away. I needed to focus on that, then we could consider how we would survive a long-distance relationship.

“First things first.” I needed a change in venue.

“Yeah?”

“I have to pee.” I pleaded with my head tilted and my bottom lip pushed out.

“Of course you do.” Noah laughed.

We pulled off at a rest stop, and while I went to the restrooms, Noah stocked up on snacks for the rest of our ride.

“So, what are you and Noah planning for over break?” My mom was giddy with excitement that I was home for a whole month. Her voice was squeaky, and she didn’t stop bouncing from task to task for at least the first two hours after I walked in the door. Noah and I decided we would give my family time to dote on me and just go out the next night. His family didn’t dote.

“Well, we are going to the movies tomorrow night and maybe shopping on Sunday, but Monday he starts an internship at a pharmaceutical company in Jackson.”

“Wow. That’s an hour away. So, whatever will you do with your time all those long days while he is working?” She was being sarcastic in the way she said it.

“Hang with you, Mom.” I couldn’t help but smile. As much as I wished I had Noah all day every day for the next month, I was thrilled to have some girl time with my mom.

“And me!” My little sister popped out of nowhere.

“Hey! And, yes, you, too, Hannah.” My sister was a junior in high school, and although we weren’t close as little kids, I’d always hoped when she got older we would bond in a new way. Maybe Christmas break would be a good time to focus on that. She ran over and for a second I thought she was going to throw her arms around me. But she stopped short and gave me a one-armed half hug. She and I were so different. I craved physical touch, and she wasn’t a big fan. I realized then that I should practice loving Noah the way I loved Hannah—on his terms.

My dad came home for dinner and swallowed me in a big “Daddy” hug. I melted. It was said when you grew up you would find a mate that resembled the kind of dad you had. I only hoped I could be that lucky. The way my dad loved my mom was a beautiful example of how it should be. Sure, they fought and got pissed at each other, but there was no betrayal or trust issues, and certainly no drugs. Noah and I had a long way to go to resemble my parents, but I thought we could do it.

I lay in bed that night staring at the numerous posters on my ceiling. It was a montage of everything I loved—Pearl Jam, little babies dressed like punk rockers, Red Hot Chili Peppers and a small poster of Alternate Tragedy, a band Stacy, Becki and I stalked in Knoxville. But in the center of it all was the one image I couldn’t take my eyes off of. It was the infamous VJ Day photograph, the black and white photograph of a sailor bending a nurse backwards over his arm and going in for her lips. The photo was taken by Alfred Eisenstaedt in Times Square in 1945, and well over sixty years later, it was still a symbol of the ultimate romantic encounter. I wondered how much longer Noah could stand me being the one trying to hold us together. I was a hopeless romantic. But without the romance, we were hopeless.

Twenty

First Week of Christmas Break

“I’m starving, want to go get something to eat?” I had a blast taking Hannah shopping. We dressed each other up in goofball outfits and took dozens of pictures. We would laugh in the dressing room until we almost peed ourselves or were asked to leave by management. I thoroughly enjoyed this trip home because our relationship seemed to evolve quickly from big sister/little sister to just sisters.

We headed to the food court and settled down into a comfortable booth near the fountain we used to throw pennies in when we shopped with my mom.

“So, what’s new? I feel like we haven’t really connected since summer.”

“Maybe if you would have been home for more than ten minutes over Thanksgiving we could have.” She was obviously being sarcastic, but something in her tone made me think something
was
new and there was something she needed to talk about.

“You need to talk.” It was a statement, not a question. Sometimes Hannah was hard to read, but sometimes she couldn’t hide her emotions from me. This was one of those times.

“Gracie, there’s this boy…” She put her burger down and hung her head between the palms of her hands. “I love him so much and we…well, we
were
getting pretty serious.”

“Does this boy have a name?”

“Let’s just talk, okay? Please don’t be mom right now.” There were tears already welling up in her eyes. She didn’t need prodding, she needed her sister.

“It’s me, Hannah. Please tell me what’s going on.”

Hannah proceeded to tell me about this boy she was head over heels with. She explained in detail all the romantic things he did when they first started dating. He sounded too good to be true. And what she told me next made me hate myself for not having the time for her over Thanksgiving.

“So, wait. He said what?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“He said if I didn’t do certain things with him, he would dump me.”

“Certain things as in sex.” I knew exactly what she was talking about.

“Well…”

“Hannah, I won’t tell mom.”

“Yeah. He said he’d love me more if I did.”

“That’s a big step, Hannah. And if anything happens that causes you two to break up, it will tear your heart out of your chest.” My mind somersaulted back to the confusing emotions I had the summer before Noah left for Knoxville, right after we started dating.

“He loves me, Gracie. He really does. He just wants to take our relationship to the next level.” The air quotes she made with her fingers clued me in that the words she spoke were
his
words.

“Love doesn’t push, Hannah.”

“What does that mean?” She shoved a couple more fries in her mouth waiting for an answer, but where this conversation was going was taking me to someplace deep in my soul that acted as a mirror and my own relationship stared back at me. It was surreal. Tears waited just under the surface, threatening to spill out.

“Love is patient—”

“Sunday School? Seriously…Mom! I know that verse, it’s hanging next to Mom and Dad’s wedding picture over the fireplace. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy and does not boast…blah, blah, blah.”

“Look, I know it sounds sappy and too good to be true. But I think there is merit to its advice.” We grew up going to church and saying our prayers. We went to vacation bible school every summer as kids, but since I left for college, I guess I left that part of who I was behind. Or maybe I walked away from it the night I lost a part of myself I could never get back from Noah.

“So, what are you saying, Oh Wise One?” She was trying to lighten the mood. I could tell she didn’t want this to be a cry fest and neither did I. The mall was not the place to have this conversation.

“If he truly loves you, he will be willing to wait. Don’t let him push you to do anything you’re not ready for. It’s a big commitment. A gift you won’t get back. Make sure you save it for the
right one,
not just the
one right now
.”

She filled her cheeks with her milkshake and nodded, “Thanks, sis. Guess you know what you’re talking about.” She lifted one eyebrow when she finished her sentence.

“I do, Hannah. You just have to trust me on this one.”

“Got it. Now, can you please eat so we can go try on those geeky prom dresses?”

“Absolutely!”

We dumped our trays and headed to The Prom Shop. It was one of those seasonal spaces at the mall. As soon as the Halloween costumes moved out, prom gowns moved in. As if anyone was thinking about prom while they did their Christmas shopping.

I sat on a bench inside the dressing room while Hannah tried on the fifteenth gaudy gown. The store had wifi so I looked up the “Love is patient” verse on my phone. It had been a long time since I actually looked at the frame over the fireplace.

The words written so long ago somewhere in the desert, spoke volumes to me as I read them sitting on a bench at the mall.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I worried about the advice I’d just given to Hannah. I didn’t believe there was a love like that. I didn’t know anyone who could love like that, no one was that selfless.

“You ready?” Hannah came out carrying a pile of dresses she never intended to buy.

“Yep. We just have to get Mom something. My feet are killing me, let’s get this done.”

My phone buzzed and I flipped over to my texts.

How are you, beautiful? Ready for Christmas?

My heart stuttered when I looked at the sender…Jake.

Jake was that selfless. Maybe there was hope for Hannah finding someone like that. I wondered what Jessica did to deserve him. I was sure the rest of us just weren’t that lucky.

“Noah?” Hannah elbowed me in the side as we headed to mom’s favorite store.

“Huh?

“You guys must be doing okay because that goofy grin is ridiculous.” She pointed to whatever she thought she saw on my face.

“Yeah. It was Noah.” I lied but I didn’t know why.

Me:
Shopping with Hannah. Miss you.

Jake:
Miss you, too.

Me:
Merry Christmas, Jake

Jake:
Right back atcha Gracie