Incomplete (13 page)

***

“That movie sucked,” Ben announces as we leave the Blaine Theatre in Boscobel, one town over and down the hill from Fennimore.

I toss my half-eaten tub of buttered popcorn into the wastebasket outside the old movie theater. “It was three dollars. It’s allowed to suck.”

“
Dude.
You just wasted popcorn.”

“So get it out of the garbage if you want it that bad.”

Ben flips me off, pausing to stare down at the tub of popcorn in remorse.

“Really?”
I shake my head, walking toward his car.

The air is moist, warm; the sky dark and overcast. Streetlamps add a fuzzy glow to the night, bugs swarming around them. I take a ragged breath, whatever I was about to say dissolving at the sight of Lily with Garrett. I can’t move
, my body impaled with anguish. I inhale and it feels like my throat is being squeezed.

“What is wrong with—
“ Ben trails off. “Oh. I see now.”

They are crossing
the street to get to the movie theater. Lily is walking a little ahead of him, looking determined, or maybe annoyed. I prefer to think annoyed. Any small discrepancy between them I consider a gift to me. Her hair is loose and sways around her shoulders as she walks. The shirt she is wearing is tight, colored apple red, and off her shoulders, her skin glowing under the artificial light of a lamppost. Dark jeans and white sandals with a humongous pink flower in the center of them complete the ensemble. She looks amazing.

Garrett glances up and his steady gait fumbles as our eyes meet. I fist my hands as I stare back at him. It isn’t anger I feel coursing through my veins—it is more like devastation. And it hurts so much I can’t speak or look away, or even get my feet to move. She isn’t
mine anymore. She never was mine, not really. That knowledge shreds me. I could have had Lily and I chose not to.

“Come on. Let’s go,” Ben urges, grabbing at my arm, but I shrug him off.

Lily notices me then, her steps faltering. Her brows lower as she takes in my expression. Garrett, dressed like he’s going to a wedding instead of a movie in his tan slacks and pale blue buttoned-down shirt, touches her arm, drawing her eyes from me to him. I can’t do this anymore. Everything has been taken from me, unfortunately of my own volition, even her coveted looks. My chest is tightening and I am struggling to breathe. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I blink my burning eyes just as Garrett pulls her toward him and I have to turn away before their lips touch. Or I’ll break, I know I will.

Helpless—I feel so helpless. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this sucking void of black nothingness before, not even when things are at their worst at home.

“Are you okay?” Ben murmurs, hurrying to catch up to my long strides.

“Yeah.”
My voice is flat.

“The car’s back there, man.”

“I’m walking home.”

“Grayson—“

I spin around, my tear-filled eyes colliding with Ben’s. I don’t even care if he thinks I’m a wimp. The energy that would require is beyond me. “I’m…walking…home.”

His hands are up, palms toward me. Ben slowly nods, his hands falling to his sides.
“All right. Call me if you need me.”

As I walk
, I’m besieged with images—images of Garrett’s hands on Lily’s arms, her back, cupping her face. I see her eyelids slide shut as a low moan falls from her lips. And her heart…her heart is thudding for Garrett, because of Garrett, from his touch. I press my hands to my head to try to block the visuals from my mind. Instead they continue to build up, ravaging my brain and heart with all the consequences of my actions.

By the time I reach the house
I am unseeing, and stumbling. These past few weeks have turned me into a mess and I can’t even function anymore. It’s all too much. The thought of her with someone else, the thought of someone else touching her, kissing her, it is unbearable. Reprehensible.
Wrong.
A choked sound leaves me as I picture Garrett leaning toward Lily and I clutch my aching chest, barely making it through the front door and up to my room before hot tears spill from my eyes.

I push the cart through the aisles of Peck’s Grocery, randomly tossing
stuff into it. Sugary cereal—check. Pop Tarts—check. Chips—check. My dad should know better than to give me a hundred-dollar bill and tell me to get whatever. To even it out, I toss in some lettuce and apples—which of course makes me think of Lily—that whole balancing thing. When I look up, at first I think I somehow imagined her into the store, but no, that’s her.

Instant heat and perspiration erupt, along with a sick feeling. I am literally unable to move from the force of emotions that bombard me as I gaze at her. I
just want her, that’s all. This pain I feel, being separated from her, it’s not worth it.

The top she is wearing is deep purple and much too tight, showing off an inch of creamy flesh between the shirt and low-slung jeans. Her clothes show off a
figure I didn’t realize she had. I am in no way getting used to this new, shockingly different Lily, but even I have to appreciate the body being displayed, regardless that my first instinct is to throw a blanket over her and rush her away from any eyes other than mine.

When she disappears down an aisle, I don’t think; I act, shoving the cart after her. I feel like some demented stalker, following her like I am. I have no idea why I’m doing it; I wouldn’t even know what to say to her if she saw me.
Doesn’t matter. Onward I go. I swerve my cart to the left so I don’t run into a woman lingering by the ice cream, ignoring her glare as I hurry after Lily.

I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I am miserable,
and I look like shit. I just want her back. I don’t care about being righteous or noble anymore. All I care about is being able to be with her. It is all I want, and I can’t let her leave the store without knowing it. I am
desperate
.

I run down the aisle next to the one I know she is in, blocking her just as she reaches the end of the aisle. The cart slams into a row of food, knocking canned good
s to the floor. She jumps, her eyes widening at the sight of me, then narrowing. I’m gasping for breath and probably look a little crazy. I
feel
a little crazy.

“What are you doing?” she demands, dropping a box of granola bars into the cart.

“Nothing,” I say between breaths, leaning partially over the cart with my legs thrown out to the side so she can’t get past. I don’t know what I’m doing. I only know I can’t let her leave without saying something to her. Being away from her has been agonizing. I’m done with it, done with feeling this way. And if she doesn’t want me anymore, if she has moved on with Garrett—a thought I really don’t want to accept—then at least I can say I tried. If I don’t try, I’m not noble, I’m just an ass. I don’t want to be an ass anymore.

She nods.
“Right. You do realize there is another way to get out?” Lily nods her head to the other end of the aisle.

I groan. “Just—Lily,” I start.

“So you’re suddenly talking to me?” Her face scrunches up.

“I—“

“You tell me to leave you alone—“ Lily takes a step toward me.

“I didn’t—“

“You tell me I disgust you—“ She is almost to me now.

“Say that. I—“

“You want absolutely nothing to do with me for weeks, but now you’re blocking the exit? What are you—“

“Just need to talk to you. It’s not—“

“Crazy?”

“What you think. Or maybe it is…” I trail off, the silence between us profound, awkward.

Lily shoves me hard. My legs get tangled up in the cart and I land on my ass on the cold linoleum.

“I guess I deserved that.”

She glares down at me, her hands fisted. “We could die tomorrow. Tonight, even. You could die. I could die.”

I stare up at her, flinching at her words. “Don’t say shit like that.”

“Don’t talk about things that are real? I will if I want to! I just want to know one thing. What would you feel like, knowing we could have had a chance to be together, knowing you refused to take that chance, and then I was just gone? And you would never have the chance again. How would you feel?”

“That isn’t fair, Lily.”

“I don’t care! I
don’t…care
. You need to think about it. Life is short. Don’t waste it being stupid.”

“Lily—
“ I begin, feeling helpless. I don’t know what to say or do. I’ve felt so empty without her, but also like I was saving her somehow by doing this. From me. From my problems. But what she just said—I never thought about that before. Maybe I should have been.

“You didn’t fight for me,” Lily whispers brokenly, the pain in her eyes unbearable to view. Yet I stare up into her eyes, because I deserve to see it. I deserve to feel the misery I do knowing I put that pain there.

I tell her softly, “I’m fighting for you now.”

“I told you I wanted to be with you.” She is trembling.

I slowly stand, hands out. “I know.”

“You hurt me.
A lot.”

Closing my eyes, I nod. “I know. And I’m so sorry.”

“And yet—and yet in spite of the huge, massive, astronomical jerk you’ve recently been, I know you want to be with me too.”

I open my mouth, close it.
“How?” I finally ask.

“When you kissed me…I could feel it in the way your lips touched mine,” she whispers, bringing her fingers to rest on her lips.

I swallow thickly, not able to deny it. Kissing Lily made sense to me when nothing else did.

“And you’ve been acting so insane since I’ve been…”

“Also acting insane?”

“Yeah.”
Lily dashes a hand across her eyes, her lips thinning. “I just…I wanted to be noticed by you, you know? Seen in a new way. And…I felt so…invisible, like I didn’t matter to you, no matter what. You made me beg. And you
still
pushed me away. Do you know how that made me feel? Let me tell you in case it isn’t obvious. Like
shit
. I felt like utter shit. I still do.
You’re
making me feel this way.”

“That isn’t my intention. I never wanted that.” Her words are lacerations against my heart, my soul, and I can’t bear them, but I have to hear them.

An elderly couple walks by, eyeing us with interest. I look away from them.

Lily’s eyes are on the retreating pair.
“Intentions. They never really mean anything when the outcome of them majorly sucks.”

My mind is blank. I have no response for her. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore or why I’m fighting to stay away. It’s all messed up and nothing makes sense. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I hate that I’m hurting her. And I want her. I want her so bad.

Then I think of Garrett, I think of the way Lily’s been dressing and acting lately, the way she’s
completely
forgotten I even exist. It doesn’t matter that I told her to; in some twisted part of my brain, I didn’t want her to give up on me, no matter what I said or how I acted. I guess I’m selfish, along with all my other faults. But still—
Garrett?

Anger has words spewing from my mouth. “What about you and the way you’ve been acting? Like you don’t even
care
that we’re not speaking.”

Her eyes blaze, an inferno of blue gray fire erupting from the depths of them. “You’re really going to go there? After everything you’ve done—
everything you’ve said; you’re going to act like this is
my
fault? Like
I
did this?
You
did this, Grayson, you and your stupid sense of morality that is absolute…
bullshit
.”

“I can’t help it. I’m defective at morality,” is all I come up with.

Lily studies a box of oatmeal. “Is it because of how I look?”

“
What?
” I shout, causing a little girl to look up at me with wide eyes. Her mom grabs her wrist and hurriedly pulls her away from us.

“It’s okay. I know I’m not pretty.” She shrugs, still staring at that damn box of oatmeal.

Incredulity has me frozen. I stare at her. “You’re kidding.”

Lily glares at me. “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

Anger shoots through my veins, heating my skin. How can she be so
blind
? “No. You look like you’re being stupid. Really stupid.” I yank that stinking box of oatmeal from the shelf and slam it into her cart. There—now she doesn’t need to keep looking at it anymore.

Lily cocks her head. “Does stupidity really have a
look
, Grayson?”

“Yeah.
I’m looking at it.” I shake my head. “You know what? You’re right. You’re not pretty.”

She flinches. “Thanks. You’re a smooth one, Grayson. Anyone ever tell you that?” Lily grabs the box of oatmeal and shoves it back on the shelf.

I step closer to her. “Not pretty. Beautiful.”

She takes a deep breath, backing into the bread behind her. I think she squashed one. Note to self: Leave future important conversations
out
of the grocery store.

Lily turns her head away as she says, “There is nothing beautiful about me. Most boys don’t even look at me twice. My nose is too big
, and my lips are too small, and the
one
boy I want to notice me, never has. I’m not pretty. I’m not beautiful. I’m not even noticeable.”

We’re both so stupid, we really are. In this moment, Lily actually more than me,
which is surprising.

I slowly turn her to face me. “He notices you, Lily. He
only
notices you. And I happen to love your nose and your lips.”

“Then why do you stay away?” she whispers. “Why do you act like I don’t exist?
Why do you act like I’m just…someone who used to be a friend?”

My lungs expand with a deep breath. “I’m trying…to do you a favor.”

“Your favors suck, just so you know.”

I snort. “
Life
sucks.”

“Yeah, but you
really
go beyond what’s necessary.”

I grab her hands and lock her eyes with mine. “I’m doing it for you. I want you to be happy.”

“I
am
happy, when I’m with you, and
only
when I’m
with you. I’m sad and miserable when I’m not, Grayson. Is this what you wanted? Are you working some kind of reverse psychology or something? Because if you are, you really need to stop. You’re terrible at it.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Lily tugs her hands from my grasp. “Well, here’s some advice: don’t. Don’t do the right thing. You’re not any good at it. Don’t ignore me. Don’t stay away. I feel like I’m drowning when I’m not with you. Be with me, if you want to, but only if you want to.”

I close my eyes, dizzy with emotion. “I want to. It’s all I want.”

“Then why aren’t you?” she asks softly.

I think of all my good intentions that blew up in my face and made me miserable, made Lily miserable.
Don’t think anymore, Grayson. Just
be. I will. From now on, I’m doing what makes me happy, whether it’s right or not. I open my eyes. Lily is staring at me, her eyes intent on me, waiting. How can it be wrong? It can’t be—never with her.

I give in. I give in and it is the most freeing thing I have ever done.

“I can’t do it anymore, can’t pretend anymore,” I tell her, reaching for her and knocking a box of cereal to the floor. I roughly smooth her hair back, and stare into her pretty eyes framed by teardrops. “I miss you, Lily. I’m in agony here. It has felt…like a dull knife stabbing into my heart, over and over and
over
again, being away from you. And I’m sorry, so,
so
sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. It wasn’t right. What I said…what I did…I didn’t mean any of it. I never should have done it. I was wrong, a complete
ass
. Please forgive me, Lily. Say you forgive me,” I plead, tears stinging my eyes. My throat is tight as I wait, knowing if Lily can’t or won’t forgive me I might as well not exist. 

“I forgive you,” she whispers. “Right now, I also hate you a little bit and I don’t know if you deserve my forgiveness.” I hang my head. “But I forgive you.”  

Relief slams into me and I have to look away to gain some control back or I will turn into a blubbering mess in a totally unguy kind of way. I want to hold her so badly, but don’t feel I have the right, not after how I’ve been treating her. I cup her face between my palms, gazing at the one thing I
know
I cannot live without—the one person I never wanted to hurt and then hurt the most. “Just let me—just let me hold you. Okay? Is that okay? That’s all I want.” The tightness in my throat and the pressure in my chest make it hard to breathe. My hands tremble, causing the fingers to unconsciously clench around her soft jaw.