Incomplete (5 page)

“Lily,” I breathe, grabbing her arms. “Is something wrong?” The material of her jacket is red, soft, and my hands slide down it to loosely grasp her small wrists.

“I—“ Her brows furrow as she visibly struggles for words.

“What is it?” My grip tightens on her wrists. “Is it Aidan? Did something happen?”

Lily shakes her hair, the smell of strawberries hitting my senses. “No. Nothing like that. I just…”

“Spit it out, Lily, right now.
Before my heart explodes. You aren’t telling me anything and when you don’t tell me anything, you know I draw conclusions—usually the wrong conclusions—and ultimately freak out, so please,
please
, just spit it out,” I plead.

Her lips curve. “Or you’ll freak out?”

I nod, swallowing around a dry throat.

“How?”

“
What?
”

“How will you freak out? Will you stomp your feet, shout, throw things, or all of the above?”

Okay. I exhale deeply. She’s teasing me. Everything’s okay. Still, that doesn’t explain her presence. “Why are you
here
?” I repeat.

Her eyes slide past me and I follow her gaze. It’s on Ana. “Am I not supposed to be?”

“Well, gee, let me think. Are you twenty-one, or even eighteen? No? Then,
no
, you shouldn’t be here.”

Lily’s eyes flash gray when they meet mine. “I was bored. I missed you, for some reason. We haven’t—we haven’t talked much lately. I wanted to see you. I don’t know
why
. Stupid me.”

“How did you get here?” I ask suspiciously.

“I walked. With my legs. Why?”

The buzzing in my head turns into clanging. “You
walked
? It’s almost midnight on a Friday night! Are you
crazy
?” I throw my hands in the air. “Do your parents even know you left? You could have been mugged or—“ I swallow around bile in my throat at the thought of what the “or” could have been. “You can’t do stuff like that. It’s not safe,” I finish lamely.

Lily doesn’t speak for a long time, but when she does, it’s in a low, quaking voice. “You are
not
my parent. Since when do you talk to me like this? Is this what we are now? You’re almost done with school; you’re an adult, so you can talk to me like I’m a
child
, since I am less than a
year
younger than you?”

I wince, running a hand through my messy hair. “No.
Of course not. I’m just—I worry about you. If anything ever happened to you…” I trail off, going cold at the thought of a world without Lily.

“Fennimore is a safe town. I know things can happen even in a safe town, but it’s very rare that they do,” she clips out. “I have mace, and
yes
, my parents know where I am. I also have a cell phone, which I am now going to use to let them know I’m on my way
back
home.”

“Grayson!”

I glance at the bar to see Ana giving me a “what the hell” look. She’s swamped and the people waiting for drinks are getting restless and belligerent. I sigh, rubbing my forehead, and with my eyes closed, give a quick nod in her direction.

“Run along, Grayson. Wouldn’t want to make her wait,” Lily mocks quietly, turning to go.

I blink, not sure how to take that comment. If I didn’t know Lily, I would think she was jealous. But no, I know her.

“Lily, wait.” She doesn’t. “
Lily.
” She stops with her hand on the door; ready to push it open, her back to me. I don’t feel right letting her go, and definitely not like this. “Stay here. Don’t go. I can give you a ride home when I’m done. Or I can give you a ride now.”

“I don’t want to
bother
you,” Lily sneers over her shoulder.

I sigh. “Come on, Lily, cut me some slack.”

“I’m fine, Grayson. You’re busy. I’ll be fine. I’m going now.” Her voice is small and my heart hurts in response.

“Text me when you get home.
Promise.”

“Yeah,” she says with a sigh.

“Wait up for me. I want to talk to you. Please?”

Lily doesn’t answer. She walks out the door without a backward glance. Normally she would answer. Normally she would look back at me, and normally, she would wait up for me. A distinct sense of dread te
lls me tonight it won’t be so and a little part of me dies. I turn blind eyes toward the bar and run on autopilot for the remainder of the night.

***

I shiver as I step from my car and into the chilly night, shutting the door and jiggling my car keys. I zip the black hooded jacket up as I stride past my house and into the backyard. The cold air is crystalizing the contacts I would have taken out before my shift if I was smart. Obviously I’m not because I now have two contact lenses dried to my eyeballs.

I slide the phone from my back pocket and text Lily.

Up?

Now I am

I smile. Lily sleeps like the dead, so there’s no way she wasn’t already up.

Give me five minutes to shower and take out the contacts frozen to my eyeballs and I’ll be over

You never learn

Haven’t YOU learned that by now?

As I unlock the front door, the dark inside is absolute and eerie. I glance to the couch as I make my way past, not understanding why I even check. He’s there every night. I turn away, shifting my jaw back and forth, and take the stairs two at a time.

In the blue-walled bathroom I quickly remove the brittle contacts, my eyes burning. My reflection stares back at me in the mirror above the sink. It is haggard. I turn away and shower, throwing on gray sweatpants, a black tee shirt, and a blue hooded sweatshirt. I brush my teeth and put my black rectangular glasses on. Lily calls them my sexy specs. No idea why. I look like a geek with them on.

After I check on my brother, who is sleeping soundly, I leave the house. It’s odd how tired I was while working, but now, when I’m done and on my way to see Lily, my energy is renewed. I am determined that this will be a happy encounter. I so badly want us to be okay. I will not think of Garrett Adams. I will not mention him. I will not think of what happens after I graduate. I will not think of the possibility of Lily no longer being available to me one day. I’m not going to think at all; I’m going to
feel
and that is it.

The front door silently opens from the inside. I move through the darkened doorway without pausing and pull Lily into my embrace. Her arms immediately wrap around my back; her head rests against my pounding heart. I close my eye
s and take a shuddering breath—I am finally where I should be. I rest my cheek against the crown of her head. My body is pressed to hers without inhibition; without awkwardness, and I can breathe again.

She pulls back, tugging at my hand, and I follow her through the quiet living room and up the stairs to the left. We’ve been doing this for so long we don’t even worry abou
t getting caught anymore. I think Lily’s parents know we’re not doing anything they wouldn’t like, so they don’t say anything.

Lily turns on the lamp by the bed
and faces me. It’s a typical girly room; lots of clashing colors, hearts, flowers, and shiny, sparkly
stuff
. Anyone who doesn’t know Lily well enough would never picture this princess world as her bedroom. She shows her true personality in the things not easily noticed or seen, like her shoes, and her room. You have to pay attention to really understand Lily.

Her hair is loose, falling over her shoulders in thick ebony waves. My throat tightens just look
ing at her. Her eyes are large and luminous as they study me. She’s wearing a purple top and teal pajama pants, her slim body emphasized in the form-fitting garments. I touch the soft skin of her cheek and she closes her eyes as she turns her face into my palm.

I want so badly to kiss her, but I can’t, so I blurt out the first thing that pops into my head. “Remember when I was fat?”
Lame.

Her eyes open. “You were never fat.”

I give her a look. “Come on. The whole town knows I was.”

“I don’t think the whole town really cares enough to pay attention to how fat a kid is or isn’t. And you
weren’t
,” she adds, trying to lift only one eyebrow, but both lift instead.

“Okay.
When I was chubby then. When are you going to stop trying to be cool like me?  You know your eyebrows are never going to be able to do what only awesome ones like mine can. You might as well stop trying.”

“You’re such a dork.”
She smiles; walking to the CD player on the bookcase overflowing with romance novels and hitting the play button. ‘All This and Heaven Too’ by Florence and the Machine softly flows from the speakers.

A lot of girls, and even guys, began to like me when I started sports and muscle replaced the softness I used to carry around. When it was apparent I was good at sports, my status as popular escalated as well. So I never know if they like me for me or for how I look or how good I am at sports.

But with Lily, I know she’s real because she was my friend when I was overweight and awkward and had no coordination for sports. I don’t associate much with the other kids at school—because of that, and also because I don’t have the time. My life is already geared toward post-high school even though I’m still
in
high school.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I’m sorry about a lot of
earliers lately,” I add, letting her pull me to the center of the lilac-painted room.

Lily shakes her head, placing one hand on my waist and the other takes hold of my hand. She looks up at me, not speaking as we begin to dance. Or shuffle.

The few inches of space between us are too much. I tug her closer, dropping her hand to slide both of my hands up her firm back. Her arms wrap around my neck and her fingers thread through my hair, causing me to shiver. This is the most I allow myself—to just hold her. I want to do so much more; I want us to be so much more. Yet we’re already so much more than most couples and we are not
even
a couple.

“Where are we going?” This question could be taken two very different ways; figuratively and literally.

“When?” she whispers.

“On your family trip I’m going on even though I’m not part of your family.”

Lily jerks back, slamming a fist to my chest.

“What the hell?” I rub the sore spot, glaring at her.

Crossing her arms, Lily snaps, “You
are
my family. Jerk.”

“Technically I’m not.
Brat.”

“Technically you are. Moron.”

We stare each other down until I break the seal, laughing. “Fine. Where are we going? And when? I need to know so I can get off from work.”

“Three weeks after graduation. We’re camping at some state park up north. We’ll be gone ten days. Aidan can come too.”

She lies down on the bed and stares up at the glittery swirls she made me help her paint a few years ago. You can tell which ones I painted—mine are sloppier and larger than Lily’s. In some unspoken agreement, Lily and I habitually mark things as ours, like my room, and this room; I guess to merge ourselves in a way we otherwise cannot. Most evident of this is the corkboard collage of Dove chocolate wrappers we’ve collected through the years. Each of us adds one wrapper a month to it, kind of like written encouragement for the other one. My eyes go to where it hangs on a wall across the room.

“Did you add another wrapper?”

“Yep.”

“What did it say?”

“
’Be fearless’
.”

I glance at her. She’s watching me, her eyes dark. “How many chocolates did you eat to get to that saying?”

Her lips curve up and my stomach flip-flops in response. “The things I do for you.”

Rolling my eyes, I li
e down next to her on the bed. Both of us look up, our fingers just touching. There are so many things I want to say to her, so many truths I have not confessed, so many things I cannot say. I can feel the pressure of the secrets on my chest; I can feel them struggling to get out in the pounding of my pulse. It would ruin us if I told her. It would take what we have and twist it into something we cannot recover from.

“Aidan’s going to summer camp at Wyalusing State Park in June, so he won’t be around.”

“That’s right. I forgot. Is he excited?”

“I think so. You know Aidan. He doesn’t get too excited about anything.”

“Somber little guy needs to take a happy pill.”

“You and your pill pushing.”

We both know why Aidan is the way he is, but Lily won’t mention it, and I love her even more for that. I close my eyes and listen to her breathe while farther away, ‘I Would Be Sad’ by The Avett Brothers plays on the burned CD. I take a deep breath, my fingers wrapping around hers and squeezing them.