Incomplete (6 page)

Her grip tightens before loosening and the bed shifts. I feel her gazing at me, the heat of her eyes on me scorching. I open my eyes and turn my head. She’s got her chin propped up on the palm of her hand, lying on her side, watching me with an unreadable expression on her face. Her hair falls over the side of her shoulder in a curtain of silk.

“Sing to me.”

I roll my eyes. “No.”

“Please?”

Never able to say no when she says that word, I sing along to The
Avett Brothers, my eyes on hers. A smile, soft and sweet and a little sad, hovers over her lips as she watches me. Lily reaches out and traces my upper lip as I sing, making it tingle. Some of the lyrics fit, and some of them I fear may someday fit as well. My voice trails off, the urge to kiss her undeniable. I lean forward.

“Grayson?”
Her voice is soft, her eyes troubled.

I pause, reality crashing into me. What the hell was I just thinking? Was I really going to kiss my best friend? I move away, staring at her, wondering
what is going through her mind.

“I’m scared,” she whispers, one lone crystal of sorrow forming under her eye.

“Scared of what?” I ask with a thundering heartbeat, worried she knew I was about to kiss her and that’s what she’s talking about. Does the thought of my lips on hers repulse her?

“Us.”

“Us?” I repeat, swallowing with difficulty.

Lily nods, her eyes on the fingers of her hand bunching up the cotton candy comforter within them. “About what’s going to happen after this
summer. I don’t want to be selfish, but…the thought of not seeing you hurts. A lot. Like, I can’t even breathe when I think about it. I want you to stay, but I know you have to go. I understand, I do. I would go if I were you.” She blinks and a single tear trails down her cheek.

I exhale loudly, relieved and
not
relieved that she isn’t talking about what I almost did. I want to tell her I’m not going. It’s on the tip of my tongue to say to hell with college and instead find a job in Fennimore and go to the tech school here. I could still see Lily and I could still see Aidan. Maybe that’s what I need to do. I wouldn’t lose her and I could be around for my brother.

“I’ll miss you beyond belief,” she whispers, another tear following the first.

Without thinking, I lean forward and brush the tear away with my lips. It’s warm and salty. Lily’s eyes widen and her lips part and I can’t stay away a second longer. If I don’t kiss her right now, I will break. The past year has been destroying me, and I can’t do it another second. I didn’t even realize it all until it is now rushing up to suffocate me.

My heart thunders and I fight to swallow as my lips lightly form to hers. My eyelids slide shut, a roar forms in m
y ears, and I deepen the kiss. Feeling Lily respond as her honey lips clutch mine, my stomach swoops. I move forward and Lily falls to her back on the bed and I’m on top of her, holding my body off hers with arms that shake.

I’ve kissed oth
er girls before, but none of those times made me feel as I do now. It is as if I can’t breathe. My heart is going to explode and I can’t get enough; I want her so bad and a kiss isn’t enough; I need her; I can’t live without her; she is everything—on and on the thoughts stream through my head, merging together into a senseless litany that makes perfect sense. The craziest thing, the thing that stuns me, is that
she is kissing me back
. I know with clarity that no other girl is going to make me feel half of what I feel with Lily. She centers me, balances me, makes me better, makes me
want
to be better.

I am e
ighteen years old and already I am done for. There is no perfect match for me to find; I’ve already found her.

When she entangles her fingers through my hair and presses up against me, I moan. I run my fingers up her shirt, caressing her hot skin, feeling her quiver beneath my touch. I don’t want to stop. I have to stop. It’s so right and yet so wrong. Right for me, wrong for Lily. Her hands delve under my sweatshirt, roaming up and down my back and around to my chest. I let out a ragged breath at the euphoria her touch brings me.

Her tongue glides over my bottom lip and it surprises me so much I jerk away, breathing hard, wanting her, and wondering how she learned to kiss like that. I straighten my glasses and run a hand through my hair, staring at her flushed skin and half-lidded eyes. I jump from the bed before I decide to finish what I started.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say with my back to her, my voice harsh. I take deep breaths, willing my body to relax. Not an easy feat.

“Why?” She sounds slightly dazed.

“Because.”

“Because
why
, Grayson? I don’t understand what’s happening between us. One minute we’re fine, the next we’re not. And then…that was amazing, but now you’re telling me you regret it.”

I whirl around, piercing her in place with my eyes. “You think I regret that?”

Lily swallows, looking down. “Don’t you?”

I clench my fists. “Fuck no!” I almost shout. “That’s the problem. If I didn’t stop when I did, I
wouldn’t have wanted
to stop.”

Wonder fills her face, her lower lip trembling, and I cannot look at her a second longer. She looks so beautiful.
So
happy
. Like
I
made her happy. She can’t look at me like that. Whatever Lily is thinking or feeling; she needs to
stop
. I’m not good enough for her. I will not allow her to think there’s a chance we can be anything other than friends.
Good idea then, kissing her and everything.
I wince.

“Why did you kiss me?”

I clench my jaw and angle my head away from her gaze. “I don’t know.”

“Why do you hate Garrett?”

I flinch at his name, anger sweeping through me. “We’ve never gotten along.”

Lily crawls to the edge of the bed and stands up. “I know that. I want to know
why
.”

“I don’t know,” I say again.

“
Why did you kiss me?
” she repeats sharply, standing before me.

I have to end this before it begins. I have to hurt her to help her. I think of the flash of something in her eyes earlier at the bar and I know exactly what to say. I take a deep breath, lift my eyes to hers, and lie.

“Because you’re a good enough replacement for Ana.”

The slap is swift and stinging. I stare at my best friend and watch her shatter. I tell myself I am saving her from me, but it isn’t a good feeling. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel sick and horrible. I want to take the words back. I want to pull her into my arms and tell her I love her and that I didn’t mean it. I want to tell her she is everything and I am nothing unless she’s with me.

She stares at me for a long time, looking at me like she doesn’t know me and it kills me—seeing that look on her face and having it directed at me. Lily is visibly shaking, her features twisted with pain. I hurt from hurting her.

“Get out,”
she finally says, quietly and slowly.

I turn and leave without a word, closing my eyes against the burning in them, and force myself away fr
om the only place I want to be.

I get up at seven with
less than four hours of sleep. My eyes struggle to stay open as I dress in black running shorts, a white tee shirt, and running shoes. I don’t bother with my contacts or glasses, figuring I don’t need to see every detail of the scenery around me when I run. I just have to see where I’m going.

The early hours of the day—the look in Lily’s eyes at my words—are haunting me. I have to run or I’ll drive myself crazy thinking about what she’s thinking and feeling, wondering if she’s hurting. Of
course
she’s hurting. I can’t believe I screwed up so bad. I should have kept that kiss non-existent, along with the words I uttered afterward. Only that kiss was amazing and I can’t regret it, not if I’m being honest with myself.

My mom is still sleeping. She usually doesn’t get up until mid-morning. My
dad just sits on the couch while Aidan watches cartoons and shovels cereal into his mouth. My dad looks half-asleep, his eyes unfocused, and his hair sticking up in places. The blanket and pillow are put away, leaving no evidence my father slept on the couch. They look so much alike—my brother and father. Even their hair is messed up the same way.

“Hey.”

My dad’s eyes slowly lift to mine. “Hey. Going for a run?”

I nod. I run almost every morning. Lily usually runs with me, but I know
she won’t be this morning. A sharp pain stabs my chest at the realization and I struggle to breathe through it.

“Want to play some basketball later with me and Aidan?”

“Yeah. After my run?”

My dad nods and turns his attention back to the television. I wink at Aidan and he grins back, mouth full of cereal. I ruffle his hair as I pass by. It’s strange—this four-person family that somehow functions better with only three.

I go outside, shivering in the cold air, and sit down on the chilly cement sidewalk in front of the white two-story house with green trim I call home. I straighten my legs and stretch my hands toward them, loosening up the muscles.

Black and purple shoes and pale legs appear in front of me and I look up, emotion punching me in the gut at the sight of Lily scowling down at me. She’s wearing white running shorts and a white jacket, her legs toned. Her arms are crossed and her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail, loose strands of hair framing her face.

“Hi,” I choke out, blinking my eyes against the stinging in them. I want to say it’s from the sun, but it isn’t.

“I’m sorry for…” Lily gestures to my face, grimacing.

“I deserved it.”

“You didn’t. No matter what you said, you didn’t deserve that.” Her expression is twisted with regret.

“It’s okay, Lily, really,” I tell her softly. “But don’t do it again,” I add, trying to lighten the tension between us.

“I know you lied,” she says in a low voice.

I slowly stand. “I—“

She
puts out a hand to silence me. “I know you lied, so don’t even try to deny it. You would never say something like that to me normally. I don’t know why you said it, but I know you didn’t mean it. Things are…strange between us right now and have been for a while, but I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. So I’m going to forgive you for what you said. And then we’re not going to talk about it again, unless you want to explain why you said what you did.”

I swallow; my eyes downcast as I nod. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

I tug her to me, tightly wrapping my arms around her and squeezing. “Okay.”

Lily hugs me back. “Okay.”

I draw away, a grin on my lips. “Okay.”

She rolls her eyes. “That’s enough with the okays.”

“Okay.” I laugh when she makes a swipe at me, beginning to jog.

Lily’s legs are much shorter than mine, so I try to keep pace with her. I’m almost a whole foot taller than her 5’2” frame. I grew out of my short and chubby faze around the age of twelve. I don’t think Lily’s grown at all since she was that age. I grin at the thought, nudging her arm with mine as we run.

“So your graduation party—
“ she begins.

“Not having one,” I say, cutting her off.

“Grayson. You have to have a graduation party. You’re
graduating
. It’s a tradition for seniors. You’ll be, like, the first senior in the history of forever not to have one.”

“The history of forever?
Is there a book on that?”

Not many people are up this early on a Saturday morning. The sound of our shoes hitting the pavement is loud in the quiet. I focus on my breaths, keeping them even and deep. My legs and chest begin to burn. The first mile is always the hardest and always the easiest time to give up, but I’ve found the key is to keep going—it gets easier and the fact that I’m running almost becomes an afterthought the farther I go.

“I can’t believe your parents are okay with this.”

“They’re not.
Doesn’t matter. I don’t want one.”

“
Wh
y?”

“It’s an unnecessary expense. I don’t need one. I don’t really want one.”

“But—“

“Lily.
No
.” We’ve been over this for months—me saying I don’t want one and Lily trying to convince me to have one. Graduation isn’t a celebration to me; it’s just one more step closer to my real life. It’s a necessary achievement to get where I want to be—away from here. And the thought of my mom being drunk in front of an innumerable amount of people—
fuck
no. I don’t need that embarrassment.

“If it’s about your mom—“

I turn my head to glare at her.

She
sighs and changes the subject. “Mia is begging me to go tonight.”

The conversation just went from bad to worse.

I grit my teeth, but try to keep my voice even as I say, “I thought you were going anyway.”

“After he hit you in the head with a basketball?
That would be like me saying it was okay or something that he pulled a jerk move like that. Of
course
I don’t want to go.
No.
”

Her protectiveness makes me want to grin idiotically, but I settle for a quick smile. “So don’t go.”
Please don’t go.

Lily sighs again. “
I’m torn. I feel bad knowing Mia won’t go unless
I
go. Is it completely out of the question to think maybe you would go too?”

I give her a sidelong glower, not speaking.

“I thought so.”

“Can’t Mia find someone else to go with her?”

“Bethany is out of town with her parents for the weekend.”

We cross the street, heading toward the high school. It’s a mile there. We run three when we get there and then the mile back.

“Bethany and you are the only ones that can go with her?”

“Bethany and I are pretty much Mia’s only friends.” She says it matter-of
factly and without malice.

“There’s a reason for that.”

“I know. Mia has a big mouth, but she also has a big heart.”

“So you’re saying the one makes the other tolerable?” I shoot her a dubious look as we jog up a small hill. The cold air feels good against my heated skin.

“Or maybe they just balance each other out, you know, even things up.”

“Like pizza and a salad?”

She smiles as she glances at me. My heart speeds up and it has nothing to do with physical activity. I remember the feel of those lips on mine in striking detail. “Yes. Or chocolate and fruit.”

“Beer and water.”

“Broccoli and French fries.”

“You want to get some breakfast after this?” I ask, suddenly hungry.

Lily laughs. “Yes, but only if we have French toast and oranges.”

“Or bacon and asparagus.”

She recoils just as we crest the hill and the road evens out. “Asparagus? Ew.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing.” The brown building dubbed Fennimore High School is within view.

“And I’m okay with that.”

***

We’re on our way back to our homes, sweaty and drained. I’ve been dwelling on whether or not Lily is going to Garrett’s party. I could go. He wouldn’t want me there and I wouldn’t want to be there, but I could go. It would be for all the wrong reasons; to keep an eye on Lily, to make sure Garrett doesn’t hit on her, to be positive she’s safe—that one is the singularly
right
reason, but I can’t do it. I tell myself if she brings up me going again, I will. Otherwise, I won’t. I’ll pace the length of my room the whole time she’s gone and pick up my cell phone a million times to call or text her, I’ll imagine all kinds of maddening scenarios, but I won’t go.

When we’re to her house, I bend over and place my hands on my knees as I try to catch my breath. I straighten, feeling Lily’s eyes on me. There are damp tendrils of hair waving near her temples and her skin is flushed. She’s never looked better. She has also never looked more conflicted.

“We’ve been friends for ten years, Grayson.”

“Yes.”

Lily swallows and looks at her house. “You’ve never kissed me before.”

I stiffen, instantly cold. I don’t say anything, waiting for her next words. I don’t know
if I want her to say any more, but I’m guessing I probably don’t.

She looks at me, her brows furrowed. “I’m really confused.”

I am
unbelievably
confused.

“Say something.”

I swipe a hand through my wet hair, sighing. I show Lily my back as I try to find the best way to voice my thoughts. Do I lie or do I tell her the truth? If I lie, it might be helping her in the long run, but I might also regret it the rest of my life. If I tell the truth, I won’t have to hide my feelings anymore, but again, I might also regret it for the rest of my life.

I look at her. “Do you want the truth?”

“Of
course
I want the truth.”

“The truth is…” I wince. “The truth is…”
Fuck.
I am a coward. I know that now.
That
is a truth. I can’t tell her, I just can’t. Not yet, and probably not ever.

“I was curious. About what it would feel like to kiss
you. You’re a girl and I’m a guy. You know how it is for guys. That’s all.” I shrug. If Lily believes this, I will be astoundingly surprised. She can read me like no one else can.

“That’s all, huh?” She tilts her head, her lips pursed as she studies me.

“Yep.” I avoid her eyes, and then realizing that is the
worst
thing to do when lying, I meet her gaze, though it is torture to lie to her while looking into her eyes. Not that any other way is preferable. I hate lying to her. It puts a bitter taste in my mouth and causes my heart to pound in misery.

“And what did you decide from that kiss? Was it all you’d hoped it would be? Was it terrible? Do you want to kiss me again?” Lily’s face and tone are mildly curious, but her chest is rising and lowering much too quickly and she’s watching me much too steadily to make me think her nonchalance is anything but feigned.

Aside from the seconds divided by guilt that I let it happen and the urge to punch Garrett’s face in, I have been unable to think about anything else since it happened—kissing her again. It has pretty much been the only thought in my head since it happened.

I shrug. “It was okay.” It was amazing, mind blowing, the best kiss I’ve ever experienced.

“It was okay? It was
okay
?” Her voice has gotten louder with every word, nearly screeching on the last ‘okay’.

I cringe and remain silent, watching her eyes and face change multiple shades of color within the span of thirty seconds. I feel like an ass. I
am
an ass.

She takes a deep breath, speaking evenly when she says, “Since it was just
okay
, I see no reason to repeat it with you. Ever. And clearly I need more practice.” Lily nods her head. “Yes. I think I need to find someone else to practice with to improve my
okay
kissing skills. In fact, I think I’ll go to that party tonight, without you, and I will find a boy to kiss. Maybe even
Garrett
.”

The look of surprise on her face isn’t anything
compared to the surprise I feel once I realize I’ve unknowingly closed the distance between us and am looming over her. I don’t care. She is
not
kissing any other boy and she sure as hell isn’t going to be kissing Garrett Adams.

“
No
.” One word, but it says a million things.

“No, I won’t be going to the party without you? Or no, I won’t be kissing Garrett Adams?” Her eyes flash as she puts her face inches from mine as she says, “Or
no
, I won’t be kissing
any
other boy?”