Inconvenient Relations (18 page)

Frustrations

“D
arn these incurable romantics! When will they ever learn?” Shaan scoffed upon observing couples pair up and move to the dance floor but failed to erase the spontaneous flicker of envy from his eyes when he spotted Sunshine and Mr. C swaying shoulder to shoulder.

“No, I take my words back. Those two are for sure lucky in love.”

A frown marred his brow. Damn, this beer is as light as water.
He called for another refill before swiveling back on his barstool. “I’ll be darned!”

He had caught sight of a strangely familiar, tall, rather daunting figure behind the old couple.

“Dad?”
He blinked. “No it can’t be. The alcohol is playing tricks on me.” He stumbled closer to get a better look.

The shock of graying hair is unmistakable. It’s bizarre, freakish. The last person I wanted to see!

But when he saw the man smile, the ambiguity faded. Those kind eyes creased at the corners as he bent attentively to his partner, who happened to be an elderly lady with a beautiful and pleasant face.

This man couldn’t be his father.

Shaan turned back to the bar and examined his mug topped with the amber liquid, and tried to recall the last time he had glimpsed his father’s smile. He had, oh yes, many times; but it rarely made it to his eyes.

Their family had gotten so used to living without expecting any gesture of affection that seeing somebody else this way was exceedingly irksome and cloyingly artificial. Everything appeared made up—fake. He had taught himself to scrutinize with suspicion every kind word and gesture believing all people possessed an ulterior motive and how he loathed it! How he hated being on the constant lookout.

And it’s all on account of my father! He has made me uncaring and selfish, unable to appreciate anybody’s, even my own wife’s feelings.

Do I take after him? Is that why Ruhi continues to shirk away despite me trying to reassure her the best way I can?

He viewed his reflection in the glass. The image looked fuzzy and broken. Perhaps it’s the truth.
No matter how hard I try to deny it, the facts shall remain. You reap what you sow—like father, like son.

His head drooped, weighed down by an indelible legacy.

But, Shaan, you are not feeble, nor are you a pessimist. You can’t accept defeat that readily!

No! I can’t let it happen. I can’t let him destroy my life. I have my own identity and no one can take that away from me!

“Ruhi?” He stood up and looked around anxiously.
Where did you go my sweet sensitive wife?

He spotted Sunshine and staggered over to where she was saying her good-byes just outside the entrance.

“Have you seen my Ruhi anywhere? I seem to have lost her.”

She turned to him with a look of frank surprise on her face. “What…she’s not with you? After that oh so sensual number, I was sure you both must have been making out somewhere.”

He scrutinized his feet. “I got her upset and she left.”

“Sonny!” Sunshine exclaimed exasperated. “Honestly, I don’t know what to make of you both! You are perhaps the only couple I’ve seen who, in spite of being so desperately in love, leave no stone unturned in pushing each other away!”

Shaan was sickened. “You knew.”

“Of course I did! These eyes may be old, but they are wise! I have known ever since I saw you together in my place. I could see the longing in your eyes…and yes, you are married, those rings are a dead giveaway!” She pointed to his hand. “Besides, Roohee isn’t a girl who would live with just any man.”

He collapsed on the sidewalk with a loud groan. “But, but she’s gone! I’ve managed to drive her away!”

“You poor fool. Where were all the men when the dear Lord was dispersing common sense?” She ruffled his hair fondly. “Love is temperamental but not temporary. Have faith. Call her; she’ll come running.”

***

Ruhi whose feelings were vacillating between hurt and anger, with the latter appearing to be gaining the upper hand, was in the process of rapidly putting distance between herself and the origin of all her anguish when she got the call.

She glowered at the phone for several moments before answering. “What do you want from me now?”

She was taken aback to hear a wretched sob. “Roohee! Dear child! Where on God’s earth are you?”

“I… I’m not sure,” she said, taking stock of her surroundings for the first time. It was a relatively deserted tree-lined city street with infrequent lighting. “Why are you talking on Shaan’s phone? Is he all right?”

“Oh, munchkin, never mind how I got it! But if you don’t come back right now this husband of yours is threatening to drink himself to death!”

“Oh no! He’s out of his mind. I’ll be there in a jiffy!” She spun around and raced back without a moment’s hesitation.

When she reached, she saw Shaan leaning against a pillar looking sick and pale but nowhere near the end.

“You came back?” He tried a wan smile but the effort left him groaning.

Serves him right!
she thought viciously but quickly retracted.
He looks so miserable.

“I’m sorry, but deception was the only option here!” Sunshine admitted with a sheepish grin.

Ruhi let him lean on her as they walked toward Mr. C’s car. They got to share the backseat.

“I need to guide Mr. C back home. He has trouble with reverse directions,” Sunshine explained after directing a suggestive wink at Shaan.

“I’m sorry about all what I said. I didn’t mean any of it,” he verbalized, trying to catch Ruhi’s eye, but she was pretending not to hear.

After some indecision, he ventured to place a palm gently on top of hers, but she snatched it away, concealing it in the folds of her skirt. Squeezing herself into a corner, she glued her face to the window and stared blindly at the passing neon signs and billboards. But he persisted, sliding over and made a grab for her hand, which she couldn’t pry loose despite much effort.

“If you don’t wish to talk to me, let me at least hold your hand.”

She let him.

***

He leaned heavily against her while she struggled with the keys to their apartment. “Ruhi, I’m so bloody embarrassed. I never wanted you to see me this way! Won’t you even talk to me?” he asked, holding on to the wall, trying to stand erect.

She avoided his eyes. “We can talk tomorrow. It’s late. You need to sleep it off.”

“No, I don’t. I need to talk, we…need to talk. I have some things to explain.” He collapsed on the sofa and yanked her down beside him.

Then he said, gripping on firmly to her fingers, “I feel like doing it now, might as well because I don’t know when, if ever, I will get the courage again.”

“Courage?” Ruhi’s curiosity was aroused.

“Yes.” He exhaled. “Courage to talk about a past that I’m not too proud of. I have kept it suppressed inside for too long.”

“Shaan, you don’t have to.” Ruhi could sense he was not very keen on the task.

“No, I have to; you need to know. You, who have agreed to stay with me, need to know why I am the way I am. At least I think so.”

“You’d have wondered why I don’t talk to my family or even about them. It’s because I don’t want to. The reason I came to the States was to escape my father’s influence. I wanted to forget my past. When almost everyone who comes here pines after their home, I celebrated my independence. I hated him so much. I still do, though perhaps distance has allayed the intensity ever so slightly.”

Ruhi murmured, massaging his shoulder, “Hate is too strong a word, nobody hates their parents.”

He leaned back trying to steady his dizzy head. “You’d too if you knew him like I do.”

Then he erupted, “He is mean as they come! He treated my mother like a servant, ridiculed her in front of us all, outsiders, too. What is worse, he carried on with another woman! I didn’t know about it until one night on
Karwa Chauth
. Mother had waited all day for him without food and water, but he returned home only at midnight, and when she questioned him, he dared tell her that he was at his other house! I was shocked, yet when I asked her why she tolerated all this, do you know what she said? She told me it was her lot! It was her kismet!”

He tried to laugh but ended up moaning, holding his head. “That’s when I lost all respect for her. I still love her because she’s my mother, but I don’t honor her.”

Ruhi, too appalled for speech, reached for her husband’s back and attempted to stroke away some of the pain.

“After living here for some time, the loneliness got to me, and I succeeded in making the worse mistake of my life. I’m still regretting it. The folly is such I feel ashamed to even think about it. I poisoned my life, and you are paying the price. Isn’t that true?” His eye, replete with anguish, locked with hers.

“No, I’m not. Come on, you have said enough. I understand.”

She prepared to get up.

“No, it isn’t enough.” His hands clamped onto her shoulders. “You think I’m a bastard, don’t you? To have curbed your freedom and make you stay against your will!”

“No! I just think you’re a normal human being who has made some bad choices in his life,” she said with conviction. “I’m staying because I want to.”
Because I love you more than anything else in the world.

“I need to repent, Ruhi.” He buried his face in her shoulder. “I need to be punished. Punish me, I’m your sinner!”

“Oh, Shaan! Please stop torturing yourself! You’ve chastised yourself enough as is!”

Finally she was able to disengage herself, but then saw his face turn ashen. “Are you all right?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” He got up and lurched toward the bathroom.

She hastened behind and supported his head as he upchucked in the toilet while holding her own breath and eyes tightly closed to fight the wave of nausea that threatened to overwhelm her. She’d always possessed a weak stomach.

He watched silently as she helped him undress and gently mopped his face and chest with a damp towel. His intense inspection brought a warm flush to her cheeks and sparked an urge to take flight.

“I hope you are feeling better. I’ll leave you to sleep now.”

But the very next instant she found herself flat on her back on the bed beside him, imprisoned by a solid arm.

“Don’t leave me.”

“But…”

“Please stay for a little while. It’d make me feel better. Please?” he said, looking beseechingly at her.

She pursed her lips and nodded. Her mind assenting, but she wasn’t so sure about her heart. The proximity of his naked torso was wreaking havoc with her sensibilities. Her fingers itched to caress his bare back while her body hungered to eliminate the remaining distance between them.

As he cuddled into her side, she reached to turn off the light hoping the cover of darkness would help attenuate their raging emotions. Instead, it only worked to accentuate it several-fold that she began to feel lightheaded.

After what seemed to be the longest fifteen minutes of her life, when she heard his breathing become even and regular, and when she felt she couldn’t hold hers any longer, she cautiously attempted to slide out of the bed.

“Your husband is not asleep yet.” He pulled her back, blocking all routes of escape, entwining his legs securely around hers.

“Then you were…”

“Pretending to be asleep. I learned the trick from you.”

“Let me go!” She renewed her efforts at freedom.

He appeared perfectly alert and in his senses, no longer drunk or deserving of her kindness.

“No, now that I have you in my bed, I want to make the most of it. Who knows when I’ll get this opportunity again?” he said, lowering his weight on her.

“Shaan, please!”

“Shh… Don’t interrupt me now.” His breathing turned ragged as his fingers gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Kissing those lips may be taboo, but that doesn’t include the rest of you.” he mumbled, nibbling at her ears, her throat, and her nude shoulders.

She let out a soft moan.

“Like it, don’t you? Give in to me.”

“No,” she gasped, fighting against her most primal instincts. “Shaan, stop. Look!” She tapped his shoulder and pointed to the ceiling.

“What?” He reared his head and glanced up. “Oh that.” He chuckled. “Are you trying to distract me?”

“No… I’m just curious. Enlighten me please.”

“All right.” He sighed. “That is my sky, the most elaborate replica of the solar system I could find. Something I look at every night because it helps me sleep, unlike you. That’s our earth,” he said, pointing to the distinct blue planet, “where we make a mess of our lives.”

“And that one?”

“That’s Mercury, a dead planet, named after the Roman messenger God because it travels the fastest around the sun. The one which you see next is named after you, my dear,” he said, gazing tenderly at her. “My Venus, my desire and my destiny. Beautiful yet a deadly poison for which I’m in no hurry to find an antidote.” He bent down to kiss the edge of her mouth, and her fingers dug into his shoulder in reflex.

He doesn’t give up!