Independent Jenny (11 page)

Chapter Twenty-Three

We continued to walk for most of the afternoon, Hayley and Guy off in their little bubble, Will and I much slower as I continued taking photos. We fell into easy conversation, talking about everything from our history together to the wildlife around us, and somehow skipping over anything to do with our current love lives. Every time he looked at me a little bolt zapped through my chest.

Back at Guy’s house, Will, Hayley and I sat at the dining table peeling vegetables while he prepared us a luscious-smelling chicken stew with dumplings.

“I didn’t realise you could cook!” Hayley said as the smells started drifting around the kitchen.

“It’s kind of necessary living out here,” Guy explained. “There’s no takeaway or anything like that. Anyway, after a long hard day it’s nice to come home and have a good meal.”

“I totally agree,” she said, swooning. I’d decided throughout the day that they definitely had nothing in common. I know opposites can attract but this was ridiculous. He lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere. His life was a world apart from Hayley’s, with her fashion label shopping, her restaurant visits, and so on. She’d rather sit at home watching
Strictly Come Dancing
any day than go for a long walk or get muddy in a field full of sheep.

Yet in all our years of friendship, I’d only ever seen her like this around him. It was true that, even if on paper Kieran was the best man for her, anyone could see that she was madly in love with Guy, and I was torn between being angry and being happy for her, despite the whole predicament she was in.

“So you girls have four more days here, right? What’re your plans?” Will asked.

“More walking for me,” I said, glancing at Hayley.

“Can’t you come out with us again tomorrow?” she asked, looking at Guy.

“I’ve got to get back to work tomorrow, too much to do around here,” he told her. He looked disappointed which just encouraged her even more.

“Well, we could help?”

“No offence but I didn’t come for a working holiday,” I protested. How dare she offer for me to spend my time working on the farm when I’d come to get away from it all?

“Well, you and I could go off walking. I was planning to do that, anyway. Fern will be happy if Wentworth joins us.” Will offered.

“That sounds nice, thank you. They do seem to be in love.” I gestured to them, spooning on the floor, fast asleep. It was getting dark and hard to tell where Fern ended and Wentworth began.

Dinner was delicious and the company was nice, too. And, against my better judgement, the plan for the following day was set. Guy drove us home, and while I was having a wee, Hayley told me through the bathroom door that she was worn out and going to bed. By the time I peered in her doorway ready to tell her off about all the lies and ask her where this was going, she was asleep. I decided to let her rest and save my lecture for the morning.

I couldn’t sleep that night. All I could think about was Ross, and I didn’t know why but he just popped into my head and I couldn’t get him out again. I thought about the romantic first date we’d had, I thought about his proposal, and I thought about our wedding day. I’d been so sure then that he was the one for me, and that this was it forever. How could I have been so wrong? And how could those feelings, which I believed at the time we shared mutually, have gone just like that?

I suddenly yearned to return home and just lie in his arms and forget all this nonsense. Wouldn’t it be easier if I could just erase the cheating from my mind, forget Aiden, forget Will, forget it all? Life had been so simple just a month ago. I’d been totally ignorant of the state of my marriage. I didn’t feel rejected and disappointed and frustrated … I’d just felt normal, and settled and thought everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. Ignorance really was bliss.

But now, I didn’t want fine. I wanted great. I wanted the spark I felt with Will, and the passion I had in that moment with Aiden, to last. Wouldn’t being with either of them, putting all the potential politics to one side, end up just like it was with Ross? Great at first, but resulting in boring, mundane, settling because it was expected?

And if that was the case, why break everything up with Ross? Why not just go back to that right now. Surely that’d be easier than breaking up our home, all the hurt and logistics and telling everyone … surely we could just fall back into our routine and all these hormones and crushes could be put into the past, locked away forever.

Still, I closed my eyes and pictured Will smiling at me up on The Quairaing and then imagined he was here in this bed with me, holding me and talking about our dogs, about Skye, about my photos.

The next morning I woke up at 9am feeling quite rested and yet nowhere nearer to knowing how I felt about anything, or what I wanted when I got home. It was Wednesday already, half way through the week. I got up and, still in my pyjamas, went through to the living room. To my utter surprise, Will was sitting on the sofa reading a book with Fern cuddled up on one side of him and Wentworth on the other.

“Good morning!” he said, smiling happily.

“Oh, hello! What’re you doing here?”

“Guy dropped me off and collected Hayley about an hour ago. I thought I’d let you sleep.”

So she’d escaped without my lecture this morning too, that cunning minx. She knew it was all wrong and she didn’t want to hear it from me. Well, fine. Let her ruin her life on her own. So much for our girly holiday.

I got ready quickly and Will and I headed out in my car to yet another beautiful part of Skye and begun walking, the dogs running along happily in front, their romance blossoming. I took some comfort in the fact that although I may end up alone after all of this, I’d still have Wentworth.

“So, can I tell you something?” I said after a few moments silence between small talk.

“Sure.”

“I’m married and two weeks ago my husband told me he cheated on me. So I kind of ran away here to sort my head out and work out what I’m going to do.”

He stopped walking, turned to look at me and his mouth fell open. “Married?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say before?”

“I guess I didn’t want to talk about it.”

He nodded and we carried on.

“How long have you been married?”

“Five years. We’ve been together for eight.”

“And he cheated on you?”

“Several times.”

“Wow. That sucks, I’m sorry Jenny. So are you going to forgive him?”

“I don’t think so. Sometimes I’m hurt and angry, other times I think I could forgive him. What would you do?”

“This is going to sound crazy…”

“Okay…”

“But I think I’d be relieved if Mandy cheated on me.”

“Mandy’s your wife?”

He nodded.

“Relieved? How so?”

“We’ve been growing apart for a long time. This week is supposed to be a week apart to see how we both feel, see if we miss each other.”

My heart was beating faster.

“And do you? Miss her, I mean?” I asked too quickly.

“Not really. I sometimes wonder why we were ever together. We fight, a lot.”

“I guess people change, grow apart.”

“Guess so.”

“Did you ever think life, marriage would be this hard? Back when we were seventeen, I just figured I’d find someone, marry them, live happily ever after.”

“Me too. I thought I’d marry you, actually.”

He looked at me and I looked right back. I realised I was holding my breath and exhaled.

“Really?”

He laughed. “Yeah, young love and all that. I was naive, didn’t know much about life, or love, back then.”

“Who does at that age, I guess.”

“Although Mandy and I both know it’s pretty much over, there’s no logical reason to break up. Neither of us have met someone else. So I guess we’ve just been trying to patch it up, figure it out, somehow, but it’s not getting any better. Despite all that, I can’t quite imagine being without her, you know? It’s just easy to stay together in some ways. But she suggested this break, and … well, this week has been the first time I’ve ever contemplated being with someone else.”

Oh, did he mean me? Surely he did? We looked at each other for a moment in silence. He blushed and I almost did a little celebratory ‘Yay!’ with dance accompaniment, but then I remembered the men waiting for my answer back home, not to mention the distance between where we lived; that I didn’t know him that well, that he had a wife, and that my head was as confused as ever.

“It sounds like a tricky situation,” I said finally, after he eventually looked away and down towards the river we were walking by. Both dogs were running in and out of the water, splashing each other and having fun. How simple their relationship was compared to their owners’.

“So how did you find out about your husband cheating?”

“He told me about this one-night stand. Then a few days later I made him confess that it’s happened more than once. Ross says it was just sex, that didn’t mean anything, he’ll get some therapy, we can work it out, and so on. He says I can forgive him if I try.”

“And can you?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“I’m sorry. There’s never any excuse for cheating once, let alone over and over.”

I nodded and we walked on.

“His brother, Aiden, told me he loves me, so that was another bombshell.”

I don’t know why I told him this but he turned suddenly to look at me again.

“Whoa, that’s a bit much. Seems a bit unfair to lay that on you when you’re going through everything with his brother.”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“Do you love him? Aiden I mean?”

There was a large rock nearby so I gestured that we sat for a moment. I looked at Will and saw the expectation in his eyes. He was taking more than a friendly interest, or was I just imagining that?

“I don’t know. I’m attracted to him. I like the way he makes me feel.”

“He makes you feel special when you’ve just been humiliated. That’s natural.”

“That’s what my friends said. How am I supposed to know if I actually like him that way, or if it’s just that I like feeling wanted?”

“It’s a tough one. I still think he could’ve waited until you’d figured it out one way or the other with his brother first.”

“So what would you do?”

“I’d tell them both goodbye. Figure out what’s best for you, get some Jenny time.”

“The idea of being single is kind of terrifying,” I admitted. “I haven’t really ever been alone as an adult.”

“You met Ross quite young then?”

I nodded. “First year of uni.”

“Well, then enjoy being free for a while and figure out what you want. That’s my advice anyhow, but if you love your husband, then who am I to say you can’t work it out?”

“That’s the thing. I’m not sure if I love him or not. When I think about our marriage, I sometimes wonder how I could have gone on for so long like we were. It wasn’t really a loving relationship anymore. Sometimes I think he’s done us both a massive favour.”

“That’s what I meant about the relief with Mandy. It’d give me an excuse to call it off.”

“You don’t need an excuse.”

He shrugged. “I feel like I do.”

“Don’t be a coward, Will.”

He looked at me, surprised at my frankness. “If you don’t love her anymore, end it. Life’s too short. Just my opinion, sorry.”

He sighed.

“No. You’re right. I just feel sad about it. I might not love her but we still have the history.”

“I know that feeling.”

We were sitting close and I turned to look at him. He blushed and I reached for his hand and squeezed it.

“What a pair we make, eh?”

He looked at me and I recognised the look from way back on the swing in Hayley’s parent’s garden. I had to make a quick decision; did I let him kiss me or not? I wanted him to, desperately, but the husband and wife we both had, albeit hundreds of miles away, were buzzing in my head, putting up a wall between us. I felt one of the dogs nudging my leg and we both looked away and moved slightly apart. Fern was looking up at us.

“Ah, she’s so cute,” I said, patting her head.

“I’m glad we met again,” he said, “I could use a friend right now and I think you could too.”

Friends.
Hearing you loud and clear, Will.

“Me too.” I smiled.

“So what now?” Will said, looking down at Fern.

“Now we walk,” I told him. We got up and walked some more, talking about the purple heather at our feet, about the views we could see, about our dogs and our jobs … I took photos while he batted away the midges who seemed to descend the minute we stopped walking.

For those few hours, it felt like the rest of the world had disappeared. A happy kind of daze I hadn’t felt for a long time washed over me, and I had fun. Simple, light-hearted fun.

Chapter Twenty-Four

After our walk, Will and I went back to the cottage and I pulled the ingredients I’d bought from home out on the counter and started to make chilli con carne. Will offered to help and chopped the chillies, garlic and onions while I prepared the meat.

Will scooped the contents together. “Into the pan?”

“Yes please. Thank you for helping.”

“No problem at all. I like chopping vegetables for some reason. I find it kind of relaxing.”

I smiled at him and stirred the ingredients in the pan. The cottage had limited cooking utensils and a pot that looked like the food would stick immediately, so I kept stirring while Will opened some kidney beans and tinned tomatoes, threw them in, then prepared the rice.

“So I guess this week hasn’t exactly panned out how you thought it would? Girly holiday gone wrong, huh?”

“I guess so. I knew Hayley didn’t want to go walking all day, but I thought she’d tag along for my sake, then we’d have hearty dinners, drink wine, have a giggle.”

“Did she come here solely to look for Guy?”

“Honestly? Yes. It’s not her sort of holiday at all, and I was surprised when she suggested it.”

“She must have thought about him a lot over the years.”

“I guess so, she never mentioned him until recently.”

“Did you ever think of me?”

“Yes, of course. Did you think of me?”

“All the time.”

He kept saying these lovely words; words that inflated my ego; words that made my chest flutter. How often did he think of me? I wanted to know but I didn’t want to ask. I thought of him when I saw two teenagers snogging or heard a song we used to listen to, or someone said something about their ‘first time’. But if I was honest, I didn’t think of him often. I’d moved on pretty quickly and hadn’t really considered him much. Until now, of course.

When dinner was ready, we sat down together at the little pine table with a glass of red wine each.

“This is delicious,” Will said, tucking into his.

“Thanks. It was a joint effort.”

“Nah, it’s more you – I just did what you told me. You were always good in the kitchen. I remember you making us pasta a few times. And fish finger sandwiches. You were always so bubbly and fun.”

“And you were so shy back then, such a quiet thing up until that day in Hayley’s garden.”

“Always fancied you, you see. First time I met you, I thought you were so pretty, you were all I could think about.”

Aw, why hadn’t I realised that at the time? My happy hormones danced around in my chest.

“That’s sweet. Thank you. I bet you say that to all your ex-high-school-girlfriends.”

“You were the only one and you know it.”

“I had no idea you fancied me though. Until that moment on the swing.”

“That was by far the coolest and smoothest move I’ve ever made. Only took me, what, two, three years to do it?”

I laughed. “I remember thinking you were a better kisser than the other boys I’d kissed thus far.”

“A compliment indeed, better kisser than Lee Reynolds, I’m chuffed with that.”

I laughed. “He was a terrible kisser and I only kissed him once, during a game of truth or dare.”

“I know, and I was jealous as hell.”

I blushed. I hadn’t really known that he’d liked me for a while before that night we got together. Ah, that night … what a night.

“Do you remember that night well? On the swing, and the first time we…?” I asked.

“How could I forget?”

“Well, it was over pretty quick, in all fairness,” I teased.

“Yeah well, it lasted longer the next time.”

I blushed, remembering the times we spent in his old bedroom, practising and experimenting. I wondered what it’d be like now and quickly got up to pour us more wine.

“So I was number one, what number is Mandy?”

“What do you mean?”

“How many have you slept with?”

“That’s a bit personal.” He gave a mock-shocked face.

“You’ve seen me naked. We can be honest about everything surely?”

He laughed and I wondered if he was now picturing me naked. I was pretty sure the current version wouldn’t look quite as good as the seventeen-year-old version. More saggy bits. Bigger bits in general.

Was it the alcohol induced fuzz, or was he even more attractive by twilight? I turned on a lamp and cleared away the plates. He came over to the sink to help me do the dishes.

“Well, there was you. Then a few girls at university, but no serious girlfriends, just a few short-term things that lasted a month or so.”

“Really? I imagined you having a serious girlfriend.”

“Truth? I was still hung up about you.”

“Seriously?” I couldn’t believe it. I’d had no idea how much he felt for me.

“Yeah, well, no girl matched up for quite some time.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. Glad I left an impression,” I said, feeling the heat on my cheeks. “Okay, so … how many is that?”

“By the time I met Mandy, which was the first year I was working as a vet, I’d slept with five women.”

“Well, that’s a fair number. Not a slut, but not too dull.”

He laughed. “Thanks, I’m glad you approve.”

“For me, it’s just been you two.”

“Wow,” he said, “I can’t believe our teen romps are 50% of your sexual experience.”

I giggled and whipped him with a tea towel. We sat on the sofa and drank more wine, chatting in the way that only old friends with a fun history can.