Infinite Risk (22 page)

“You okay?”

He jumped, evidently not hearing my approach. When he realized it was me, his expression darkened into a scowl. “That's all you have to say? You realize everyone thought I did something to you that night.”

“Huh?”

“Think about it. You stayed behind and then, suddenly, you vanish in thin air. I told everyone you left with your boyfriend, but nobody believed me. Maybe now I can be absolved of that crime at least.”

“Sorry, I had no idea. It's really unfair they're blaming you for everything.”

“Tell me something I don't know.” Jake slammed his locker and stomped away, done with the conversation.

Across the hall, I noticed Kian chatting with Tanya. She flipped her shiny hair and laughed at something he said. His responding smile was shy but adorable.
Damn. He's not even looking for me.

That's fine. Totally fine. I'm not jealous. I have no right to be.

Before I could decide what to do, if anything, Devon waylaid me. “You're alive. People have been taking bets, dude. You wouldn't believe the stories circulating about you and Jake. On Tuesday, Tanya broke up with him over it.”

“Kian mentioned that, but he didn't say it was because of me.”

“This school sure got exciting. I blame you.”

“That's fair,” I said, heading for the attendance office.

“Where you going? Isn't your first class the other way?”

In answer, I left my fake note with the assistant and comprehension dawned. “Oh. Were you really sick?”

“I had some family problems.” It was probably best to keep it simple. Otherwise, I might lose track of my lies.

“Sorry to hear that. Anything I can do?”

“Not really. Come on, we don't have much time before the last bell.”

Sure enough, we barely slid into our seats before it rang. The teacher gave me a dark look. Apparently, I didn't qualify as a good student anymore. Somehow that didn't rank high on my list of things to worry about. There had to be something I could do for Jake. If I saved Kian's future at the expense of someone else's happiness, I couldn't leave with a clear conscience.

Why is time travel so complicated?

Unfortunately, instead of an answer, I got a pop quiz.

 

LIKE COMING HOME

The next week was blessedly uneventful, though I remained on high alert.

On Thursday afternoon, Kian messaged me during class, an absolute first. The teacher was droning on, so I surreptitiously checked my texts.
You have to do me a favor.

Nine didn't care if she got in trouble, so I sent back,
What?

Tanya asked if I wanna hang out tomorrow but there's no way. I'll choke. Will U bring Colin and double as my wingman?

Wow.
That was something I never thought I'd hear from the first boy I ever loved. But the pain only twinged, no searing anguish; I must be getting used to my role in his life. Yet I couldn't assume the Harbinger would go along with this. I didn't even have a way to get in touch with him, and how could I request such an absurd favor when I already owed him?

I'll ask,
I sent back.
He might already have plans. It's short notice.

Kian replied with a sad face and added,
Yeah, she just mentioned it today. Sorry.

No worries.

Once the initial shock disbursed, I realized what this meant.
Things have already changed. They can't happen as they did before.
Last time, Kian asked Tanya out, and she rejected him with such cruelty that it resulted in extremis. In this timeline, I boosted Kian's confidence, then broke up Jake and Tanya unintentionally, so events were already off script.
I just have to keep nudging.
Belatedly, I remembered what Kian told me:

In my optimum future, I end up with Tanya. She pushes me through law school, and I eventually go into politics.

A sick feeling swirled low in my stomach.
Is that what I have to do to make things right?
When I jumped, I never imagined that I'd have to play matchmaker. I'd thought stopping his suicide would be enough.
Okay, slow down. This probably isn't a date. Tanya just broke up with Jake, so when she said “hang out” she meant exactly that.
Just then, the teacher moved away from the front, roving the aisles to check our work, so I hastily slid my phone into my hoodie pocket and whizzed through the math problems on the assigned page. By the time she got to me, I had nine out of ten finished.

She paused, scrutinizing my work, and then she gave me a startled once-over. “You have a real knack, Chelsea. Why aren't you in one of the accelerated classes?”

“They were full,” I mumbled.

“Do you want me to get you on the waiting list? I can already tell that the work in here isn't challenging enough for you.”

“It's fine. I'm what you'd call an underachiever.”

The guy next to me snickered while her brows came together in a disapproving frown. “Only hard work can secure you a bright future.”

“It'll take more than that,” I mumbled.

“Let me make you an appointment with the school counselor. Between your attitude and the number of absences already accrued…” She lowered her voice to advise me she'd noticed my emotional struggles and wanted to be there for me.

If I was a normal student, I'd just be mortified, but this could be deeply inconvenient. Arguing over a counseling session would just present me with more attention than I could handle, so I ended up in a stuffed armchair while a bearded guy in wire-frame glasses studied me over a can of chewed pencils. His oral fixation probably needed some analysis, but it was my turn on the couch.

“Are you having some trouble at home, Chelsea?”

Oh lord.

“My mom passed away recently. It's why we left Pomona.” I felt shitty saying that, but since it was the truth, after a fashion, it was the best I could do.

“I'm sorry for your loss. It's just you and your father now?”

“I guess. But he works a lot, probably as a distraction from the loss, you know?” I offered that snippet of vulnerability, hoping he'd take the bait.

“Everyone has their own way to process grief,” he acknowledged. “But I imagine that leaves you feeling pretty lonely.”

I nodded. All of this was true, and it applied to my old life. The discomfort of talking about it with a complete stranger didn't matter, as long as it won me some wiggle room at this school. Teachers shared information, so Dr. Miller would spread the word about my bereavement. The slack should last until end of the semester.

“Sometimes grief can turn into depression. When we feel like that, it's hard to get out of bed. Everything feels like too much effort.”

“I know what you mean.” Clearly, he thought that was why I'd missed school.

“I'll talk to Mrs. Palmer. She had good intentions, but it might be too soon to increase your workload. She doesn't like seeing wasted potential, but you still have two years to build your academic record. It's important to do what you can, even when it's tough.”

“I get it,” I said, lowering my eyes. “But I need some time.”

“Of course.” He casually nudged the tissue box closer like I might break down.

“Thanks for listening.” Maybe that was too much?

He smiled, probably thinking he'd made a difference today. Fine; I wouldn't disillusion him. Miller could go home and drink some Shiraz while basking in a job well done. “I'm here when you need an ear. Have you considered a creative outlet, poetry or a thought journal? It doesn't have to be formal or structured. Sadness is okay; you shouldn't try to stifle it. The important thing is not to let your feelings strangle you.”

“That's a good idea,” I said.

“Anytime. I'll write you a pass for your last class.”

I arrived ten minutes late and slipped into my seat mid-lecture.
God, school is such a pain in the ass.
Once the final bell rang, I bolted from my chair like an Olympic runner. It would've been convenient if the Harbinger was waiting for me, but today I found Jake lingering in front of the school. When he spied me, he pushed away from the building.

“I'm wondering if you can answer some questions for me.”

This couldn't be good. “About what?”

“The night of the party, obviously. I keep playing it back, and you're the only one who wasn't completely freaked out, like you knew exactly what was going on.”

“You're accusing me of what exactly, not panicking?”

“If you dosed everyone and let me take the blame for it, I'll find out.” His expression had been friendly and kind before, even occasionally flirtatious. It wasn't anymore.

“Leave her alone,” Kian said.

I hadn't heard him come up behind me, but the timid, skittish boy I'd met initially had vanished. In his place stood a confident young man, not preternaturally beautiful as he had been, but better, because he was wholly himself. Since I didn't want this to escalate, I waved him off.

“It's fine; we're just talking. I'll see you later.”

Kian didn't like it, but he left. Tanya beckoned him from across the parking lot, and they headed out together. Jake followed them with his eyes, and then the anger drained out of him. His hands curled into fists, not to lash out, but as if he needed something to hold on to.

“I wish there was something I could do,” I said.

He sighed and shook his head. “After I blamed you for everything? I knew you were cool the first day we met. I just … I can't figure out how everything fell apart so fast.”

Wedderburn,
I thought, but didn't say it out loud.

Jake didn't seem to need my input to continue the conversation, though. “I used to think I was
too
lucky, you know? Life's been easy for me so far.”

“Maybe you're supposed to learn from this.”

“I guess. But I could've lived without knowing how fast supposed friends can turn on you. Even Tanya … She said she loved me, but when people started talking shit, she listened.”

“In my experience, athletes get forgiven a lot. So even if it doesn't blow over on its own, when you start playing varsity basketball next year, everyone will come around.”

“I don't want to be forgiven; I didn't
do
anything,” he snapped.

“Then I don't know what to tell you. Life isn't fair.”

“Not a news flash, not helping.”

Despite residual guilt, I had no more patience for his personal problems. Jake didn't seem to get it; sometimes shit went horribly wrong through no fault of your own, and you had to cope with the fallout. He was still tall, white, cis male, handsome, and athletically gifted. This shouldn't be more than a small bump in his road. A little adversity built character, right? I jogged to the bus stop, wondering how the hell to ask the Harbinger on a double date, and it wasn't even solely a question of how to frame the request. I pondered it on the way home but didn't come to any solutions. He always showed up at his pleasure, not according to my convenience, though I had to admit; lately, I came perilously close to counting on him. Which made no sense, considering how well I understood his nature.

I sighed as I hopped off the bus.

“The Japanese say that sound is happiness escaping,” the Harbinger said.

In Colin guise, he drew looks from people passing by. More than a few smiled or made eye contact, and he encouraged them with bedroom eyes. From the spark of his aura even in human form, he seemed much stronger than he had when he left my room. Remembering how he drove Nicole mad with unrequited longing, I didn't want to think about what he'd done to siphon that energy. But a small part of me eased at realizing he hadn't disappeared, even if it meant strangers might be hurting. My inclination to look away didn't make me unique; entire empires had been built on that premise.

“You've been tugging at me for a while now. I collect you require my attention?” But he was smiling, so it seemed he didn't mind.

“So here's the thing…” I explained the situation in a rush.

“This is too delicious. But … it will be excruciating for you to watch, will it not?” His delicate tone didn't change the meaning of the question.

“Uncomfortable is the word I'd pick. No, it won't be awesome seeing Kian bask in Tanya's glow, but…” I shrugged.

“I suppose I should cooperate, having volunteered my services as your love interest.”

“True, I didn't ask you to tell everyone that.”

“And why I'll do it without you incurring another debt. I suspect it will be diverting. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an engagement.” He stepped into the shadows and disappeared.

With who?
I knew so little about his habits and his existence, if he had friends in the immortal realm or if everything was checks and balances. It actually agitated me to discover this.
Okay, I'm losing my mind. The Harbinger is not my business.
Getting attached to him would be like falling for a tropical storm. All at once, I remembered … and then I couldn't believe I had forgotten, even for a moment.

Aaron.

The Harbinger who came for me, who rescued me, was also the same one who kept someone as a pet. Disappointment crashed down on me, a baffling mixture of pain and chagrin, both at myself and him. Rubbing my chest, I set out unsteadily for the Baltimore. As I passed the bodega, José caught my gaze through the shop window. To my surprise, he darted from behind the counter and out into the cold without a coat.

“You okay?” he asked.

I shrugged. “What answer would satisfy you?”

“Luisa was worried when you went missing,” he muttered.

But in his dark eyes, I saw an echo of his wife's concern. The awareness that normal people could find something to like in me acted as a balm on my aching heart. So I softened and managed a smile. He returned it and gestured toward the store.