Inflame (Explosive) (29 page)

Jace just grins back at him, and I can barely make out his words as they walk away. “A true gentleman never fucks and tells. Plus, that’s my wife you’re talking about, so shut the hell up before I ram a pool stick up your ass.”

Knox just laughs it off, and I shake my head at them. I can’t believe that it was only a short while ago that they were giving me crap, telling me I was going to be loved up like them. Even though I had feelings for Lucy at the time, I never thought I’d get the chance to act on it, and I tried to deny that love was ever in the cards for me. They told me that I was wrong, and well, hell, they were right.

Xavier moves over to the stool next to me and watches as I pick at the label on my beer. “Wanna talk about it?”

Letting out a deep breath, I turn to look at him. “Would you let me get away with it if I said no?” He looks at me pointedly without saying a word. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

“Come on, Kale. You were there for me in my darkest times, especially when Lily was a baby. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through those days if you weren’t there to have my back, to have Lily’s back. You’re a part of our family, and you always will be. The same goes for Lucy and your baby now, too, so let me be here for you. Let me have your back for once.”

Shaking my head, I give him a sorrowful look. “You know it wasn’t just one-sided back then, Z. I was going through my own personal hell at the time, and Lily was my saving grace. You think you couldn’t have done it without me? There’s no way in fucking hell I would’ve gotten through those first couple of years without the two of you. Hell, man, we were in boot camp for the same damn reason. That’s part of how we became so close.” I pause, needing a second to regroup before I start bawling like a fucking baby in the middle of the bar as all the memories rise to the surface. “And look at us now, at just how differently our lives have turned out. It’s so fucked up, man, but you have no idea how many times over the years I’ve looked at Lily and wondered what life would be like if she were mine. Not trying to sound like a fucking creep or anything. You’re the best dad that girl could have. It’s just… I love her like she’s my own, but as much as I love her, she’s a reminder of everything I lost. I don’t know. I used to find myself watching her and wondering, you know? What it would’ve been like? How different my life could’ve been?”

Xavier’s eyes watch me as I spill out every single word, and he signals the bartender. “A couple of whiskeys neat,” he orders then looks back at me. “Dude, if we’re going there, I need something stronger than beer, and I have a feeling you do, too.”

I nod in agreement, waiting until I have a fresh drink in front of me. Then I take a sip, enjoying the smooth burn that flows through my chest, making this whole heart-pouring session a little easier.

“It wasn’t until you made me her godfather that things started to finally look up. I threw myself into that role and tried to forget all the pain, all the things I was missing, all because you let me be a part of it with Lily. I’ll never forget that, man. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t had that to keep myself occupied. If I hadn’t had someone who was depending on me. I just don’t fucking know.”

“Hey, come on. You know I needed the help just as much. When Angela walked out on us, I was a fucking wreck. Here I was with a four-week-old and I didn’t have a single clue how to raise a baby, let alone a little girl. You stepped right up to the plate and were a fucking natural,” he reminds me. “We were a couple of kids back then, and you could’ve gone off with all the other guys partying on the weekends and living it up. Instead, you had my back, and ever since then, I’ve had yours. So tell me what the hell’s going on. You’ve been wanting to be with Lucy for as long as I remember, and now you are. Why are you sittin’ in this bar, downing shots looking like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest when you should be out celebrating?”

I know he’s right. I should be having a grand old time, happy as can be, and I am. It’s just that life’s messy and the things I thought were long buried have begun to resurface. I’m beginning to feel like I’m drowning with all the unresolved grief that’s threatening to pour out.

“We had the first ultrasound today. When I heard the baby’s heartbeat, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and placed it inside this small little blip on the screen. It was so fucking beautiful, man, and took everything in me not to break down right there. I think part of me never thought I’d hear that sound again, and when the thumps hit my ears, it was almost more than I could bear. It was so surreal, and part of me couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was awestruck.” I stop to take a quick drink as I remember the way the sound filled the room. “You remember what that was like. And then it went by way too quickly, and before I knew it, the sound vanished. And that’s when the fear started seeping in. I don’t even know to describe it. My chest got tight and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was just like the nightmares from all those years ago, except instead of Tara, it was Lucy, and for some reason, this time it hurt so much more. I felt desperate as the memories started to flood back in, and while I knew it wasn’t another goddamn dream, I was still terrified as hell. I need to hear that sound again with my own two ears. I need to know it’s not the last time I’m going to hear it. I know it’s fucking crazy, but part of me wants to lock Lucy up until June, just to make sure that she and the baby are safe.”

Stopping to take a long swig of my drink, I’m thankful that I’m able to talk to about this with Xavier. He’s the only person besides my mom and sisters who has any idea about it, and while it’s been forever since it’s been brought up, I need to get this off my chest, no matter how much more it burns than any amount of whiskey ever could.

“I can’t go through that again, Xavier. I don’t know if I could come out on the other side unscathed.”

He shakes his head and looks at me in disbelief, as if it’s the craziest thing anyone’s ever said. “The two situations aren’t even comparable. I don’t know why you’re getting yourself so worked up over it. Things with you and Lucy are good, right?” I nod, and before I can say anything, he continues. “You can sit around and worry about this for the next six to seven months, Kale, but it’s not going to do you or Lucy any good. If you care about her, then you need to trust that she feels the same and that she’s not going to repeat any of the mistakes from your past. That doesn’t mean everything’s going to be easy, but you can’t spend the pregnancy looking over your shoulder or continuously expecting the ball to drop. It’s going to be stressful enough as it is.

“It’s been ten years, man. I’m not saying you’ve got to forget about it or anything, but you need to find a way to deal with your grief or else you’re never going to be able to move on completely. Trust me, I learned the hard way, and I almost fell back into Angela’s trap. If it weren’t for the fact that I have Lily to look out for, I might have. I took a step back and realized that I had to let go of the past or I was never going to be able to move to the future. Sure, I’m not hopping around hoping to find a new mother for Lily any time soon, but I’m more open to it than I was a year ago. If you want this to work with Lucy, you’ve got to work through your shit.”

His words are piercing, and although I know he’s probably right, I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to just let it go when I’ve buried it so deep. Maybe if I’d properly grieved back then, I wouldn’t be dealing with this now, but at the time, there was no way I was in a place to even begin to understand how to start the healing process.

Maybe Xavier’s right. I have a second chance at a family, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s unfair to Lucy—and to Sprout—if I don’t go into this wholeheartedly, and I decide then and there that I owe them more than just part of me. As hard as it’s going to be, I do need to let it all out, to finally grieve once and for all.

“Thanks, man. I know you’re right. It’s just been so long, and I never expected to have it all come up again, you know? I guess I thought I’d locked it away, but I tell you, when I saw him on the screen, the reality of it hit me, and I guess I panicked. I’ll deal with it. We don’t have another appointment for eight weeks. I don’t want to feel like this again or have Lucy see me this way.”

Xavier finishes his drink and signals the bartender for the tab. When he turns back to me, his eyebrows are raised. “Let me guess. Lucy has no freaking clue about any of this, does she?”

I grimace, knowing that I’m about to get another lecture, and even though Xavier’s obviously ready to leave, I motion for one last shot to down quickly before he can load me into a cab and send me on my way. I know what I have to do tonight, and at the same time, I know there’s no way I’m going to get through it without a little liquid courage pumping through my veins. When I look at him, I try to pretend that I don’t see the disappointment on his face.

“Look, I’m going to tell her. I swear to it. But dammit, Z, a month ago she wasn’t even my girlfriend. When was I supposed to tell her my sob story? Before or after we were done fooling around? It wasn’t exactly pillow talk and our relationship wasn’t like that. She was just Lucy. My best friend. She didn’t need to know.”

Xavier starts laughing at me, and I try to ignore him as I take the shot once it’s set in front of me.

“What the hell’s so funny?”

“You, man. I swear to Christ, you have a funny definition of best friends. Do you have any idea how many times since last summer Lily’s asked me when Ms. Lucy and Uncle Kale are going to get married? You may have done a good job keeping it hidden from everyone else, but when you were around us, even my eight-year-old knew you two were made for each other. Not to mention, even if you were just ‘best friends,’” he says, and I scowl at his use of finger quotations, “isn’t that the kind of thing best friends share? Who better to talk to about that shit than your best friend? Someone who knows you better than anyone else and won’t judge you no matter what? Someone who’ll be your shoulder to cry, who you can lean on for support? Isn’t Lucy that person for you?”

“No, she’s not. She’s so much more than that, and that’s why I couldn’t tell her. I didn’t want her sympathy, and I didn’t want to bring a black cloud over what we had. If I’d opened up about all that, I’d have been in the permanent friend zone, and as far as she’s concerned, that’s a place I’ve wanted to avoid since the moment I realized I had true feelings for her. She wouldn’t have looked at me the same. I know it. Instead, I just stayed fun, playful, carefree, the-world-is-sunshine Kale Montgomery. She didn’t need to know about what happened before.”

Sighing, he stands up and gives me a knowing look. “I don’t think you’re giving Lucy, or yourself, enough credit. She can handle it, and knowing what I do of her, she’ll be with you every step of the way while you grieve—if, and only if, you’ll let her. It may not have seemed appropriate before, but Kale, this is something you can’t keep from her, and the longer you wait, the harder the fall’s going to be when it all comes out.” He grabs my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “That being said, I love you, man, and I’m here for you whenever you need me. Day or night, okay?”

As much as I love my sisters, I grew up asking the Lord for a brother to help combat all the estrogen around me, but Mom claimed she was done having kids and I was shit out of luck. Those prayers were finally answered the day I met Xavier Cruz, and I’ve been blessed with his friendship, his brotherhood ever since.

“I know. Thanks, man. It means a lot. And don’t worry. I’ll get my shit sorted. Once I do, I’ll talk with Lucy. I appreciate ya talking some sense into me. Hey, not to change the subject or anything, but Mom wanted me to let you know you guys are more than welcome to come down to Christmas this year. She loved having you all there last year and wanted to extend the invitation again. She’s always had a soft spot for you. Sometimes I think she’d rather have you be her son,” I joke, happy to lighten the mood.

Xavier’s been going home to Alabama with me whenever he could, and his mom and mine became fast friends all those years ago at our boot camp graduation. Both of our moms are single parents, and our families just kind of blended at the time. The twins have loved Lily since she was a baby, and they even made special trips up to visit her when Xavier’s been away. Although, Kalli’s also made sure to visit when he’s home, but I figure that’s just her trying to feed her childhood crush on him. As far as I know, he’s never given her the time of day, but my sister’s nothing if not persistent. Unfortunately for her, he was pining after Angela, Lily’s mom, for the longest time and wouldn’t ever look at another woman, and I think she finally got the hint. I wonder, though, now that Angela’s long gone, if he’d ever look at Kalli as anything other than a sister, but I shake the thought out of my head, knowing that those two would never be compatible.

“Sounds good. I’ll talk to Ma about it, but I’m sure she’ll say yes. Lily will be excited to see her Aunt Ginger. Okay, you ready to get outta here? Ma’s out and I told the babysitter I’d be back by eleven.”

Throwing enough bills on the bar to cover the check and the tip, I stand up, stumbling just a little as I realize that the booze is affecting a little more than I thought. Ignoring it, I nod and throw a passing wave to Jace and Knox before heading out. I’m ready to get home, but I’m not ready at all for what awaits me.