Innocent Lies (13 page)

The few patronages that were there
had their eyes glued on us. I rested my forehead against Ethan’s
chest. His arms around me were warm and sheltering. The booze, the
anger directed to Larry, and the passion I felt from Ethan went to
my head. He cinched his hands around my hips and pressed himself
against me. The thought of him holding another woman like that sent
my heart racing.

His expression changed to an
almost worshipping state. “You’re all that matters.”

I closed my eyes as he pulled my
hands up and around his neck. His hands trailed back down my arms,
over my waist, and slowly returned to my hips. He nuzzled his nose
into my neck, his tongue run over the sweat beading on my skin when
the first round of nausea hit.

I raced to the bathroom and barely
made it when every drop of the liquor exploded from my mouth. I was
unsure how long I hugged the toilet. My stomach had emptied and the
dry heaves had taken over. I felt hands gather my hair back into a
ponytail.

“Lucky, I didn’t get sick till I
left with him.”

I twisted to see a stunning
brunette. For the life of me, I had never seen eyes sparkle like
hers.

“I’m Amanda by the way. It shocked
me to see Ethan here. He hasn’t darkened the doors since he
practically attacked that girl on the dance floor. She was a ginger
too.”

“You know
Ethan?”

“Yes, sweetheart, I’ve known,”
Amanda said and emphasized the word known by curling her fingers in
the air. “Ethan, more than a few times. Great times too. But you
can’t handle him. You’re too innocent. He’ll shatter
you.”

“It’s not like that.” I
protested.

“I heard those words too, my
love.”

I froze at the words
my love. When he said those words to me it was pure happiness. I
thought they were special. I was special. The world fell away
around me. Larry was right. I was nothing more than a notch on
Ethan’s belt.
Oh I forgot, he
didn’t want me for that. I was damaged goods to him.
I didn’t even take the time to wash
my face or fix my hair. I wanted out of there and away from him. It
was obvious I could never go out in public with him without being
reminded who he really was.

“There you are. I
was about to come in after you.” Ethan had me incarcerated against
the wall.

“Let me go. I’m sure you can find
another girl to take home. One you are actually willing to
screw.”

He stepped back and winced. His
eyes blazed. “I’m tired of this shit.” He threw the mug he was
holding. It splintered into a million shards of glass. “I’m not
perfect and you’re going to quit running every time something
doesn’t go right. You’re mine, damn it.”

“How many whores
have you told that to?” I screamed.

“None, I’ve only ever told you and
you’re no whore.” He jerked my elbow and pulled me down the
hallway.

“Then why won’t you make love to
me? Am I that nasty to you?”

He paused and stiffened. “You
think I didn’t sleep with you because of your past?” He wouldn’t
look at me.

“Why else? You
have no problem with everybody else.” A tear slithered down my
face.

“You’re wrong. I have never wanted
anybody like I want you. I’m a walking hard-on around you. I just
can’t until I know I won’t hurt you.”

I clawed at his shoulder trying to
get him to turn around. “I’m asking you to make love to me, not
beat me.”

“To some of us, that is one and the
same.” He jerked my hand and took off walking, fast.

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

At his house, I made
a beeline to the bathroom ready to wash the alcohol out of my hair
and the thought of what had happened out of my mind. I sunk down in
the tub not believing what had transpired that night. I had never
drunk a drop of alcohol in my life, much less gotten sloppy drunk.
I had lived it up, almost had sex for the first time since the
rape, and came face-to-face with Ethan’s past. He treated women
like crap.
Well, except for
me. I was his china doll. The one he didn’t want to touch.

Realizing soaking in the tub was
not going to change a thing, I got out and started to dry off. I
noticed that at some point during my bath Ethan had replaced my
PJ’s with one of his tee-shirts and a pair of his boxers. Laying on
top of them was a ripped piece of paper.

Privy, I understand if you don’t
want to be anywhere around me tonight. I still want part of me to
be around you. I love having you near me. E

Damn bastard, how
could he have been so irritating at times and steal my heart so
completely at others? The shirt swallowed me whole, and hid the
boxers entirely. It was my favorite sleepwear ever. I sniffed the
collar of the shirt, it smelt of Ethan. I grabbed a brushed and was
combing out my hair when I turned the corner to his bedroom. He was
laid out on his bed with nothing on but a tee-shirt and his boxer
briefs. He had his arm draped over his face. He turned to face me.
His eyes, groggy from the shots of
Jack Daniels,
held an
intensity I’ve never seen before. It was a look he wore too well
and made me smile. I had a sudden urge to grab his face and
permanently place my lips to his. Knowing it was an alcohol and
hormone induce rage, I fought it off. I already felt like I was
losing him.

“You’re fucking
gorgeous.” He proclaimed with a breathtaking smile. I threw the
brush I was holding at him.

“Fucking might not
be the appropriate word tonight, Ethan.” My smile faded just
thinking about our most recent fight.

“I didn’t mean
anything by it. Shit, I feel like I can’t do anything right with
you.”

I crawled in to bed beside him,
rested my chin on his shoulder, and stretched my arm across his
chest, snuggling as close to him as I could get. He tensed and
froze in place. He held his hands up, as if he didn’t know how to
react.

“Hold me,” I whispered.

He relaxed against me and placed
one hand on my shoulder and ran his other hand through my wet hair.
He kissed my forehead and then switched off the light. We both had
already said too much as it was. But Ethan had one more thing to
say.

“I love you, Privy.”

Monday, November 17,
2014

I woke some time in the night with
another round of nausea. Ethan must had awoken out of his drunken
stupor too, because he had stripped down to only a pair of boxers.
He was perfect. I couldn’t keep from exploring his body and ran my
hands over his flawless chest and six-pack. He truly was covered in
tattoos. Over his right pectoral muscle was the saying ‘Some things
were better lost than found.’ Above his nipple, but under the
saying was a tattoo of a life-like heart. It was being crushed by a
lady’s hand. Her nails dug inside the flesh so deeply that blood
seeped from it. I gasped opened-mouth at the dark and disturbing
image and wondered if it was a metaphor to his own damaged heart. I
shook my head and moved my finger over his left shoulder. Where a
tattoo of the Star of David was present. He rolled on his side and
I was smacked with my nightmares. Over his left shoulder blade was
the same tattoo that all three of the men who attacked me had
somewhere on their bodies. It was a circle with Japanese writing
jumbled around the eye of providence. It couldn’t have been a
coincidence. That was a very unusual tattoo.

I panicked and had to get out of
there. That went way past girls or leaving. He couldn’t protect me
from my past. He was part of it. I pushed backed the covers,
careful not to wake him. Relieved when I felt my shoes and silently
slipped them on. Grabbing my purse and jeans off the dresser, I
tiptoed across the room and yanked on the locked door handle. I
fumbled around trying to unlock it when I heard the sheets ruffle
and the sudden creak of the bed. I froze except for the trembles
that wrecked my body. I felt the heat from him as he walked up
behind me. He pressed his palms flat to the doorframe on either
side of my shoulders. His body, the body earlier that night I
wanted to ravage, was suddenly my prison. I couldn’t think. I was
the definition of conflicting emotions. I was terrified of the man
wrapped around me. The tattoo on his shoulder stood for everything
I had spent the last few years running from. But on the other hand
there was not a person in this world whose arms I would had rather
been in. His muscle twitched as his skin rubbed against my arm. I
had never felt his strength and force as much as I did at that
moment. It was almost tangible. I could taste the testosterone in
the air. My body strained toward his.

“Going somewhere?” A low rumble
vibrated in his chest, his lips moved along the contour of my ear.
My eyes closed as my body surged with fear. The man at my back was
not the Ethan I knew. He was those men. The three men who haunted
my nightmares. “You’re shaking.” He stroked his nose down the
hollow of my neck. “Are you scared?”

He planted a hard, wet kiss on the
back of my shoulder. I couldn’t answer him. My lips wouldn’t admit
that I would had rather died than lose us as my heart screamed
there was no us. He was no more than a hired hit man who chose to
cruelly destroy my heart. He massaged his fingers into my stomach
and urged me back against him. I felt the thumping of my
heart.

“I’m your safe zone, Privy, and you
feel it too.”

I laid my head back on his chest.
I did feel it. I had never felt more relaxed or wanted than I did
when I was with him.

“Turn around. Talk to me. I’ll tell
you everything.”

I turned in his grasp and leaned
against the door. The hand that was on my stomach now flexed in my
hair. He pulled my head back and cupped my face in his other hand.
His breath hitch, I shuddered. “Kiss me?” He pleaded.

I swiftly shook my head, shocked
that he would even ask for a kiss at that moment. I had visual
proof that he was part of my past and he thought I might have
kissed him. “No,” I forcefully whispered. It was hard to make out
the expression on his face. But the tears streaming down let me
know he at least cared. He leaned forward and placed his cheek next
to mine.

“I need to kiss
you. I need you damn it.” He breathed in my ears. It was hard to
make out each individual word but the desperation behind the
statement was strong. I was mad at him, but mostly myself. Those
lips had told me more lies than I could begin to fathom. I didn’t
even truly know who he was. And what did I want? To taste them. My
body still responded to his touch and I was sure it always
would.

“Please, Privy, I need your kiss
more than I need air in my lungs at the moment.” He started to
caress the side of my face with his thumb. His eyes never left
mine. “Please.”

He seductively darted his tongue
from his mouth. I involuntarily licked my lip in response. He
groaned and sealed my mouth with his own. His tongue dipped passed
my teeth, stroking over them with an extra gentleness, but also an
urgency. My resolve was gone because I was half afraid that would
be the last time I had him like that. I distantly registered my
purse hitting the floor; him pulling me. I vaguely recalled moving
until I felt the bed against my back. Ethan lowered his body over
me. I heard a moan as his lips released mine. I stared into his
eyes, unable to look away. My heart was broken at the same time I
had never felt so much love for one person. It hurt. Everywhere. To
think what I believed he felt for me was based on lies and might
not have even been real, stung worse than anything else I had
experienced in my short life.

“I can’t do it, Privy. No matter
what you are thinking right now. I. Can’t. Hurt. You.”

“The tat?” I whispered
hoarsely.

“Yeah, it’s just like
theirs.”

He twisted on his side, and buried
his head onto my shoulder. Neither one of us moved except to
gradually inch closer together. He hooked his leg around me, and
held me like I was his anchor to life. I sighed knowing without
him, my life would not be worth living too.

I finally asked the question, even
though I already knew the answer. “Those guys, you know
them?”

“Yeah, beautiful.
I do. The little short one?”

I managed to nod, thankful I was
still able to block out emotions and just feel numb.

“He’s been my best friend since the
third grade. The bald one he’s my cousin.”