Insane City
Authors: Dave Barry
Also by Dave Barry
FICTION
Lunatics
(with Alan Zweibel)
The Bridge to Never Land
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Sword of Mercy
(with Ridley Pearson)
Science Fair
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Secret of Rundoon
(with Ridley Pearson)
Cave of the Dark Wind
(with Ridley Pearson)
The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog
Escape from the Carnivale
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Shadow Thieves
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Starcatchers
(with Ridley Pearson)
Tricky Business
Big Trouble
NONFICTION
I’ll Mature When I’m Dead
Dave Barry’s History of the Millennium (So Far)
Dave Barry’s Money Secrets
Boogers Are My Beat
Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down
Dave Barry Turns 50
Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs
Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys
Dave Barry Is
NOT
Making This Up
Dave Barry Does Japan
Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need
Dave Barry Talks Back
Dave Barry Turns 40
Dave Barry Slept Here
Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits
Dave Barry’s Homes and Other Black Holes
Dave Barry’s Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
Dave Barry’s Bad Habits
Claw Your Way to the Top
Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex
The Taming of the Screw
G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS
Publishers Since 1838
Published by the Penguin Group
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Copy right © 2013 by Dave Barry
All rights reserved. No part of this book m ay be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without perm ission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copy righted m aterials in violation of the author’s rights.
Purchase only authorized editions.
Published sim ultaneously in Canada
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Barry , Dave.
Insane city / Dave Barry .
p. cm .
ISBN 978-1-101-60919-4
I. Title.
PS3552.A74146I57 2013 2012028009
813'.54—dc23
This is a work of fiction. Nam es, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s im agination or are used fictitiously , and any resem blance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, com panies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
For Michelle, who’s perfect
Contents
1
Two days before his wedding, Seth was in a cab with his best man, Marty, who was advising
him on the responsibilities of the groom.
“Your job,” Marty said, “is to get hammered.”
“I’ve seen the movies,” said Seth. “It never ends well.”
“It’s a
tradition
,” said Marty. “The groom, about to give up his old lifestyle forever, spends one last
night partying with his buddies, laughing with them, crying with them . . .”
“Throwing up on them,” said Seth.
“Not on the best man,” advised Marty. “That’s the function of the lower-ranking groomsmen.”
The cab was approaching the American Airlines terminal at Reagan Airport.
“One thing,” said Seth. “No stripper.”
“Seriously?”
“If a stripper shows up, I will run. I will run like the wind.”
“Strippers are traditional,” said Marty.
“Strippers are
hookers
. Remember the one we got for Kevin?”
Marty made a face. “OK, I’ll admit hygiene was not her . . .”
“She was
disgusting
, Marty. She personally controlled two-thirds of the world supply of stank. I’d
rather get a lap dance from Charles Barkley.”
“You want us to get Charles? Because I hear he’s pretty responsive to fan requests.”
“
No stripper
, that’s what I want.”
They were pulling up to the curb.
“I got this,” said Marty, paying the cabbie, which was unlike him. “You go inside.”
“I gotta get my suitcase.”
“I’ll get it. You’re the
groom
, man. Let people cater to you.”
Seth frowned. It was also unlike Marty to cater. Marty was, by nature, a cateree. Feeling a twinge of
suspicion, Seth put a hand on Marty’s shoulder, leaned in eye to eye. “Marty,” he said, “swear to me on
your mother that there will be no stripper.”
“Absolutely. I swear on my mother, may she rest in peace.”
“Your mother’s still alive.”
“Unfortunately, yes. Now go find the rest of the Groom Posse.”
The rest of the Groom Posse consisted of Kevin (he of the stanky stripper) and Big Steve. The four
of them—Seth, Marty, Kevin and Big Steve—had been close friends since they met as roommates at the
University of Delaware, where they had distinguished themselves by amassing the largest vertical stack of
used pizza delivery boxes in the school’s history, and quite possibly in the annals of higher education.
After graduating they had pursued different career paths, but they remained close friends, connected by the
bond of college, as well as the bond of being unsuccessful at everything they had tried since.