Instead of You (9 page)

   His cheekbones were broad; his jaw wider than I could remember.  Perhaps it looked bigger with the stubble covering it.  All the dark stubble only made his light pink lips stand out, which explained why my eyes were drawn right to them.  Sometime in the last two years, Hayes had gone from being the boy I remembered growing up with to a man I couldn’t take my eyes off of.

   When our gazes finally met, his eyes looked sad.  The difference between his sad eyes and everyone else’s was that his eyes weren’t sad for me.  They looked sad all on their own.  And that made my hand itch to reach up to his face, to try to comfort him, do anything to make him look less broken.

   “Miss Harris, I’m glad you’re here a few minutes early,” Mr. White said, pulling my attention from Hayes.  “We should have a short discussion.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “Mr. Wallace is going to be taking this class over.  He’ll be your teacher for the remainder of the school year.”  My heart, which had previously been racing, stopped suddenly.  Halted.  “This has all come together very quickly, and although we know this isn’t the optimal situation, it’s the only solution we found suitable.”

   “You’re my teacher?” I asked Hayes, my voice shaky and weak.  It was then I noticed the red tie around his neck.  It wasn’t tied terribly tight, loose enough that I could still see down the collar of his shirt. I spied his pulse pounding through the skin of his neck.

   “Mrs. Anderson and Mr. White were kind enough to find room for me here.  I need to finish my degree, but I can’t go back to school just yet.”

   No, he really couldn’t.  Mrs. Wallace was a mess.  I immediately felt terrible that I hadn’t asked Hayes about school since he’d been home.  I just assumed he was taking some time off, opting to stay in town to care for his mother.  The decision to continue his schooling must have been a difficult one and I hated myself for not thinking about all the hurdles he’d been jumping.

   The truth was, I’d been avoiding him.  My mind was jumbled.  I was constantly dealing with the sadness of losing Cory and the shame of feeling like I’d been given some sort of sick and twisted second chance.  I hated myself most of the time.  And I seriously hated myself whenever I remembered the way it felt to wake up in Hayes’s bed, and to feel his arms wrap around me.

   Not to mention, for two years I’d been thinking about his lips pressed against mine.

   So, I’d been avoiding him.  And myself.  And everything that didn’t help me erase the thoughts that were drowning me.

   “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he said quickly when I didn’t reply.  “It all happened so fast and I just found out yesterday.”

   I’m a shitty person.

   “Hayes, don’t apologize, please.  I’m just surprised.”

   Mr. White cleared his throat.  “I know there will have to be adjustments, and we’re all kind of winging this, but it’s still important to establish that Mr. Wallace is a teacher when he’s in this building, Miss Harris.  So, let’s just be careful and make sure you’re addressing him as
Mr. Wallace
.”

   “Oh,” I said quickly. “Yes, of course. I’m sorry, Mr. White.  Mr. Wallace.”  I met his eyes when I said his name and I watched that muscle in his jaw tick again.

   After a moment thick with so much tension it felt like a rubber band, stretched so thin it would snap at any moment, stinging and snapping against my skin, I turned and went back to my desk.

   As I walked through the room, I was sure everyone could hear my heartbeat pounding, loud like a bass drum, thumping wildly.

   “Okay, class,” Mr. White said a few seconds after the bell rang.  “Quiet down.”  He waited a few moments for everyone to settle in their desks and for the whispers to die down.  Hayes was four years ahead of Cory and me, so the last time we were all in the same school was when I was in first grade.  That was not to say that people in my grade didn’t know who he was; especially the female demographic.  Hayes was practically high school legend.  Him and his Mustang.  Anyone who had a slightly older brother or sister had a pretty good idea of who Hayes was, and who his little brother was, too.  “Class, I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Wallace.  Some of you may already be aware of the fact that Mr. Wallace, here, is the brother of our recently deceased student and friend, Cory.  And although this is a very sensitive situation, I wanted to head any rumors off.”  His eyes did a sweep of the room, landing quickly but effectively on every student in the class.  “He will be your acting teacher for the rest of the term.  He is completing the last requirement for his teaching degree, and due to unforeseen circumstances, it must be completed here, in our classroom.”

   At his words, a few whispers flitted through the room.  Mr. White cleared his throat again, silencing the class once more.

   “I will be here to supervise, but all questions, concerns, and communications about the course should go to Mr. Wallace first.”

   With that, Mr. White stepped aside and swung an arm out to Hayes. 

   “Thank you, Mr. White,” Hayes said first, giving Mr. White a tiny, unenthused smile.  “I’m really glad to be here,” he said, turning to the class.  “As Mr. White mentioned, I am Cory’s older brother.”  A somber silence fell over the room, but Hayes went on.  “I recognize a few of you, but I’m glad I’ll get the chance to get to know you all a little better.  I’ve been at Central Florida University for the last four years.  I’ve got my bachelor’s degree in history, and as Mr. White mentioned, I’m working on the last piece of my master’s degree and teaching license.  At the end of this semester, I’ll be a licensed high school history teacher.  So, you’ll all be learning along with me.”  He gave a nervous laugh, and the class responded with their own laughter.  I couldn’t help the tiny smile that pulled at my lips.  Then, suddenly, a new emotion crept through me—pride.  Hayes had gone off and seemingly conquered the world. 

   “So, it looks as though we are going to spend the first part of the semester covering the Second World War,” Hayes said, and I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of excitement in his eyes as he said the words, even though a groan erupted from the students.

   I spent the next hour watching Hayes in a whole new light.  He wasn’t the quiet, sullen guy I’d always been around.  He was sure of himself, he was smart, and he was eager to teach all of us.  It was refreshing and new, and totally distracting from everything that had plagued me all day long.  The only thing that wasn’t different was the pull I felt to him.  If anything, watching him as a capable man only made him that much more attractive.  So, it was no hardship to sit in that room for an hour, my eyes glued to his every movement, every gesture, and every single part of him.

   The worst part was, however, that even though my eyes were glued to him, his eyes never once returned to me.

   When the final bell of the day rang out, I practically ran for the door.  I didn’t stop to wait for Holly or Becca, I did nothing except make my way to the bus that would take me home, find an empty seat, curl into the window again, and try to figure out how I was going to finish the year having to look at Hayes every single day.

   When I made it home, an empty house greeted me and I was relieved.  I needed a little time to decompress, to fool myself into thinking I could handle having Hayes as my history teacher for the rest of the year.

   The selfish part of me, which I had realized was a much larger part of me than I had known, was hoping Hayes would leave town soon.  That he’d disappear into the same oblivion he had four years ago and all the confusing feelings would disappear, allowing me to mourn my boyfriend without the distraction of
him
.   I kept telling myself that as soon as Hayes left, all the confusing feelings would disappear and I’d be able to see the truth again, I’d be able to remember how much I liked being with Cory and how content I’d been with him.

   But then that nasty and sneaky part of my brain would surface and compel me to believe that even after Hayes left, I’d never stop wondering why I had those needy feelings in the first place.  Something told me that even if Cory were alive and Hayes had returned, I’d still want him, and that even if I could convince myself to never act on those feelings, I’d never be able to force myself to love Cory like he loved me.

   I went straight to my bedroom, closed the door, shut the curtains, and slipped under the covers of my bed, and surprisingly managed to fall asleep almost instantly.

   When I woke, the first thing I noticed was it was much darker.  The sun had obviously set.  The second thing I noticed was the sound of my phone ringing in my backpack.  I got to my phone just in time to see I’d missed a call from my mom.  Her phone call meant she wasn’t home, so I listened to the quiet house to see if I could hear my dad, but there was nothing.  A ping from my phone told me I had a text.

  
**Hey sweetie, I need a favor.  I thought I would be home by now, but I’m still stuck at work.  There’s a casserole in the fridge for Chelsea.  Can you take it over, put it in her oven for 20 minutes at 350, then just sit with her until I can get home?  How was your first day back at school?**

  
I replied immediately, even though my stomach plummeted at the thought of being at the Wallace household.

   **Sure, no problem.  School sucked.  Everyone whispered about me as I walked past them and looked at me like… well… like my boyfriend had died.**

   **I’m sorry.  I wish you didn’t have to go through any of this.**

   **I’ll make it.  You’ll come over when you’re off?**

   **Yeah. Shouldn’t be too long now.**

   **Okay, see you there.**

   When I arrived at the Wallace house I knocked gently.  I’d quit knocking on their door when I was eleven years old and Cory’s mom had told me that if I knocked on their door again, she’d tan my hide.  She was kidding, of course, but I got the message.  From that day forward I walked right into their house.  Suddenly, though, it felt wrong to just go in.  Not only had my link to that household been taken from me, Mrs. Wallace was in a delicate position, and walking into her house felt a lot like barging into her sadness.

   When no one answered my soft knocking, I gently turned the doorknob, not surprised to find it unlocked.  I inched the door open and quietly called out, “Mrs. Wallace?  Are you awake?”  I figured she wouldn’t be, and even if she were awake, I doubted she would answer me.  I knew she’d just lie in her bed, staring out the window, just as she’d been doing since the day Cory and Mr. Wallace had been killed. 

   I moved right into the kitchen and turned the oven on, then started peeling the foil off the casserole. 

   There were quite a few people who had come together to help Mrs. Wallace out in the last three weeks.  There was a calendar hanging on the wall and every day had a name on it of a person who had committed to providing dinner for Hayes and his mother.  My mom’s name was listed two or three times a week, and she still didn’t think it was enough.  My mom had been over every day, trying to do anything she could to help her best friend.  I was proud of her for it, but I knew it took a toll on my mother as well.  Not just physically, burning the candle at both ends, but also emotionally.  She wanted so badly to help her best friend, but the longer Mrs. Wallace stayed in her bedroom, the more worried my mother became.

   The casserole was halfway done when the front door opened and Hayes walked through.

   “McKenzie,” he said as he closed the door. 

   “It’s my mom’s night to provide dinner and she was running late.  I just came over to heat up the casserole.”

   He came toward the kitchen, stopping at the table and placing his brown leather bag atop it.  It was a grown-up bag, not something a college student would normally use, I thought.  It was a step up from a backpack and a step down from a briefcase.  It looked somewhat expensive.  I knew the leather would feel buttery and soft if I ran my hand over it.

   “You don’t need an excuse to be here,” he said softly, his eyes asking me for something, I just couldn’t figure out what.  “I was just surprised to see you.”  He ran his hand straight through his hair which was, once again, down and loose, framing his face and hiding so much. 

   “You put your hair back today.”  The words toppled from my mouth.  “At school, I mean.” 

   “Oh, uh, yeah.  I thought it looked more professional.” He ran his hand through it again, unconsciously, then continued.  “I’m thinking of cutting it.”

   “Don’t,” I blurted, immediately mortified as a blush heated my face.  “I mean, I don’t think you have to.  You’ve already got the job, ya know?  Why cut it now?”

   “I guess you’re right,” he replied quietly, with almost a sad tone to his voice.  “Listen, about the job, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand.  I wanted to, but I didn’t want to upset you or cause you any more stress, and then there you were….” His voice trailed away and I was left with just his eyes peering at me from the other side of the table.  While everyone else that day had looked at me with pity, Hayes had something else in his eyes.

   “It’s okay, you don’t owe me an explanation.”

   “I know I don’t owe you an explanation, but I feel like you deserve one, that I want to give you one.”  His voice was pleading, his eyes were asking me for something I couldn’t quite pinpoint, and my own body was betraying me by shortening my breaths and weakening my knees.

   All of that, however, was interrupted by the sound of the shower turning on at the back of the house.

   “Will you help me with something?” Hayes asked, his voice suddenly a little rushed.

   “Anything.”  Again, my mouth went and said something before my brain could process it, and once I heard the word, heard the honesty with which I said it, I knew I couldn’t deny it any longer.  Hayes was more than just Cory’s older brother.  Was more than just my temporary history teacher.  He’d been more than
just Hayes
for quite a while, but I’d hoped and prayed with time his importance would fade, that I could go back to regular life and be happy with the hand I was dealt.  But just then, in that moment, something changed, and I wanted something I knew I could never have.