Instead of You (24 page)

   “I’m not shaking because I don’t want to, I’m shaking because I do.  So badly.  I’m just nervous.”

   “What are you nervous about?”  His question was sincere and soft, his eyes still looking into mine.

   “I’m nervous that it will hurt.  I’m nervous I won’t do it right.  I’m nervous you won’t like it.”  The truths were spilling from me, and it felt good to speak them, as though some of the tension was released from my chest and I could breathe a little easier for saying them.  “I’m worried we’ll do it, and then everything will change between us.”

   He ran the back of his hand down my cheek, a small smile playing on his face.

   “Everything will change, but it will only be good.  It’s hard to explain, but once you’ve shared your body with someone, it makes everything better.”

   I tried not to let the jealousy take over knowing he’d shared his body with someone else.  I was both angry and happy he’d been with someone before me.  At least one of us knew what we were doing.

   “I can’t tell you if it will hurt or not.  But I can tell you if it does, it won’t last too long or be too uncomfortable.  But,” he continued, bringing his hand to cup the back of my neck and lowering his face to mine, our mouths just inches apart.  “There’s no wrong way to do it, and there’s not a chance in hell I won’t like it.”  He kissed me then, softly, one hand still gripping the back of my neck.  It was a slow, lingering kiss, and when he pulled away I wasn’t ready for it.  “This will be a first for me too,” he said, resting his forehead against mine.  He must have felt my eyebrows bunch together in confusion.  “I’ve never been with someone I was in love with.”

   His words melted me, absolutely dissolved the worries and fears that had been building up inside me.  When he kissed me next, I wasn’t the bumbling virgin.  I was the McKenzie who’d been in love with Hayes from afar for years, who was finally going to be able to give herself over to him in every way.  He kissed me and I pushed his pants down his legs, needing us both to be completely bare.  I got them as far as I could and then he finished the job, his mouth never leaving mine.

   When it was finally just us, no barriers between our bodies, I pulled away.  I let my eyes drift down between us, taking in the sight of him, worried about the logistics and how in the whole wide world
that
was supposed to fit inside of me.

   “Hey, look at me,” he said, using his fingers to pull my face back up to him.  “I promise it’ll be all right.”  He pressed one more kiss to my lips just as gentle fingers grazed my nipple.  I gasped, the feather-soft touch causing every nerve ending to come to attention.  His hand smoothed over the skin of my stomach and continued until it was between my legs. 

   He trailed one finger down, parting me, pressing gently in just as his mouth covered the same nipple he’d just teased.  With his tongue swirling around me and his finger circling, my eyes fluttered closed and tried to let myself just feel.  The way his tongue mirrored his finger, the way his small sounds vibrated against my breast, the way his hand gripped the hair at my nape. 

   Suddenly his teeth nipped me as he pressed two fingers deep.  My back arched, fingers reaching out, trying to find something to hold on to, while a moan ripped out of me.  One hand found the sheet at my side and the other threaded through his hair. 

   His fingers pumped in and out while his palm ground against my clit.  His speed built and the tension between my legs was overwhelming.  Hot and slick, I was unable to keep still and found my hips moving to his rhythm.  He let my breast fall from his mouth and dragged his lips up my chest and throat, breathing heavily against my damp skin.

   “Oh, God,” I moaned as his mouth landed on my neck, sucking and licking in time with the movements of his hand.  “Hayes,” I breathed.  Each movement between my legs was like an archer pulling the string back on his bow.  The tension built.  Inch by inch, stroke by stroke, until it was just his fingers that were holding me back from flying.

   I came.  I soared.  I flew.

   All while Hayes’s forehead pressed to mine and his arm pulled me closer to him.  I shuddered, I quaked, but I was never unaware of him or his skin touching mine.  He was so close, and I couldn’t wait to be closer.

   As I floated back down, tremors still making my hands and legs shake slightly, his mouth hit mine.  It was a deep kiss, but quick, and then he was gone.  I watched as he leaned over to his nightstand and pulled a condom out of the top drawer.  My heart, still trying to recover from my orgasm, tripped and then sped forward as my mind processed that this was all really going to happen.

   I watched with curiosity and fascination as he knelt between my spread legs, opened the foil wrapper, and rolled the condom down his shaft.  It was strange, but watching him handle himself with his strong hands was more erotic than I would have ever imagined.  I was still staring at his cock when his mouth met mine again.  I blushed, a little embarrassed at my level of fascination but then I remembered what we were doing, why he’d put a condom on to begin with, and a wave of anxiety rolled through me.

   His mouth was on mine, one of his hands on the mattress next to my head, his other palming my breast, all the while I could feel him hard, hot, and thick resting against me.  I broke the kiss, pulling my face away, simply trying to breathe.

   “Tell me you still want this,” he whispered, his mouth right next to my ear.

   It took a moment, but eventually I nodded, the nerves starting to take over.

   “Kenz,” he said as his hand cupped my cheek, his face appearing before mine.  “You need to say the words, baby.  I need to hear you tell me you want this.”

   His sincerity and gentleness crashed over me and I suddenly remembered why I loved him so much, and why being with him was exactly what I wanted. 

   “I want this,” I said on a breath.  “I want you.”

   He smiled, not the big happy smile, but the soft one that was all too sexy.  Then he kissed me.  While our lips touched, I felt him position right at my entrance.  My heart pounded and I pulled my lips from his, unable to concentrate on kissing him at that particularly life-altering moment.  He pushed in a little and I instinctively braced myself for the pain I knew was coming, making every muscle tense.

   “Kenzie, try to relax, baby.”

   “I’m trying,” I lied.

   He pushed in a little further and I took in a deep breath.  There wasn’t enough oxygen in the room to fill my lungs.

   “Are you all right?” he asked, concern written across his face.

   “I’m not trying to be rude, but I just want this part over with.”  Not only did I want the painful part behind me, I wanted to finally have that connection with him, that bond I’d never forged with anyone else.  “I’ll be okay,” I whispered.

   His eyes stayed on mine for a moment longer, but then he pushed in slowly.  I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him down, burying my face in his neck, not wanting him to look at me.

   “Breathe, baby,” he whispered, and when I took in a deep breath, he pushed the rest of the way in. 

   There was a stinging sensation at first, and Hayes didn’t move even a little, letting me adjust to everything.  After a few moments, the most painful part eased, leaving me with only a feeling of being uncomfortably stretched.  Finally, after a few deep breaths, I found my voice.

   “Hayes?”

   He lifted his head and his eyes found mine.  “Hey.”

   “Hey,” I said, unable to keep a small laugh from escaping.  Here we were, in a monumental moment, and he was making jokes.  But I knew it was for my benefit and so the laughter bubbled out of me.

   “Are you all right?” he asked, brushing a strand of hair off my face.

   “I’ll be fine, but I think I need you to move.”

   “Your wish,” he said before kissing me just under my jaw.  “Is my command.”  He followed the words by pressing his face into my neck and then slowly pulling out of me.  I gasped, unfamiliar with the sensation, but then he pushed back in, and a different sound broke free from me.  A guttural moan, one I hadn’t anticipated.  It was still slightly uncomfortable—I was very aware it was my first time—but there was pleasure too.

   Everything started soft and gentle.  He spoiled me with kisses, his hands running tenderly over my body, but slowly the intensity picked up.  He was holding back, trying to be gentle, and I both loved and hated it.  I wanted, more than anything, for him to enjoy being with me.  Before I could voice my concerns, or try to figure out a way to make him come apart just as I had, his voice pulled me out of my head.

   “It’s everything, Kenz.  Everything I’ve ever dreamed it would be.  You feel so fucking perfect.”  His words were punctuated by his thrusts and his lips kissing various parts of me between them.  My hands went to his waist and then smoothed around his back, pulling him closer.  My knees opened wider, pulled up higher, and he went deeper.  The pain was subsiding, although not gone altogether, but the other sensations were taking over.

   The most private part of me, a part that had been unnoticeably empty all along, was now so full of him that I wondered how I’d ever feel whole again.  It occurred to me I wouldn’t, that I’d forever be empty without him, in more ways than just physically.  I’d given him a part of myself that I never wanted back.

   We continued the dance and I followed his lead.  He made adjustments to my body—moving a leg there or lifting my ass—all the while seeming as though he could never get enough of me.  I did what I could, trying to find the things that made him breathless—raising my hips up to meet him, scratching my nails down his ribcage, reveling in watching him fall apart piece by piece.

   When he came, it was with one of my legs thrown over his shoulder and his mouth pressed to mine.  I’d seen him come before, but this time it wasn’t in a dark tent and neither of us were trying to keep our voices down.  The sounds he made, the words he used, were enough to make me want to try it all over again.  There was a certain level of satisfaction and pride, hearing him grunt out swear words and praise, knowing it was my body he was worshipping. 
Me
.

   He caught his breath and then he kissed me, deep and long.  As if we hadn’t just made love.  As if he missed me already.

Chapter Twenty

Hayes

   It took me a moment to remember where I was when I finally woke up.  The bed felt familiar, and I knew before I even opened my eyes it was McKenzie’s body I was wrapped around.  Then the whole night came back to me.  Snapshots filtered through my mind, every one making me smile into her hair.  Her laughing.  Her dancing with Alice and Kristen.  My hand resting on her thigh as we drove to my apartment.  Her eyes looking up at me from my bed.  Her hair falling around us while she lay on top of me.

   It was all so much more than I ever could have hoped for.  More than I deserved, I was sure.

   I took a deep breath, loving the way her hair smelled mixed with the scent of me on her.  I wanted her to smell like me all the time.  She stirred, her body moving against mine, and I watched the moment she realized what I had: that we were together.  She smiled and then rolled over to face me.

   “Hey,” she whispered, smiling that brilliant fucking smile I loved, the sunlight painting her shoulders.

   “Hey,” I replied before leaning forward and kissing her.  “How do you feel?”

   She shrugged, blushed, and then said, “Wonderful.”

   My heart leapt at her word, but I wanted a real answer.  “How do you really feel?” I asked, running my nose along the bridge of hers.

   “I haven’t moved much, so I’m not sure. For now, I’m okay.  Thank you.”  She pulled away slightly and I watched as her eyes drifted down to my chest.  “Last night was so perfect, Hayes.  No matter what happens, or where we go from here, I just want you to know that.  It was everything I hoped it would be.”

   I used my finger to tip her chin back up to me.  “Kenz, baby, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”  I grimaced at my own words, stroking my finger behind her ear to capture some of her hair. 
Enjoyed
was a terrible word to use to describe what we’d shared.  I hadn’t
enjoyed
being with McKenzie—I was whole, for the first time in my entire life.  I hadn’t even realized I’d been walking around with a part of myself missing, but I had.  Being with her was like beginning again.  Everything was new.  The feel of her skin against mine was like nothing I’d ever experienced.  The gratitude I felt for the gift she’d given me was overwhelming. 
Everything
was different.  “But this isn’t the end.  This is just the beginning.”  She smiled at my words then pressed in close again.

   We’d never bothered to put our clothes back on and there was something soothing about lying naked with McKenzie while the morning sun filtered in through the window.  I trailed my hand up and down her spine, and eventually I fell asleep again.

   When I woke McKenzie was missing from my bed, but I heard the shower running.  I rolled over, stretching, feeling the strain of a few muscles I hadn’t used in a while, groaning about the use of them the night before.  I wanted nothing more than to sneak into the shower with her, but the need to protect her overruled my wants.  I didn’t want to hurt her.

   Instead, I snuck into David’s room to use his bathroom, and then started a pot of coffee.  Coffee was just about all there was in the house.  David always spent a lot of time at Kristen’s, and since I’d been gone, the fridge was bare.

   When Kenzie emerged from the hall with only a towel draped around her, it was all I could do to continue sipping from my mug and not throw her over my shoulder and march back into my bedroom.  She walked straight toward me, stopping only when our chests were pressed together.  I put my mug down on the counter and placed my hands on either side of her neck while her arms wrapped around my waist.

   “Hey,” she said, a dreamy smile on her face.

   “Hey.”  I let my thumbs smooth a trail over her jaw.