Instead of You (22 page)

   “Okay,” I said, only because I had no idea how else to respond.

   “And until Chelsea is back on her feet and a little more stable, I think it’s best if you don’t go over there.”

   “What?” I asked with more force than I intended.  “What do you mean?”

   “Baby, I just don’t want Chelsea to say things to you that she shouldn’t.  I just know one day she’ll feel terrible for the pressure she’s putting on you about all this.  And I want to spare both of you the pain of going through all that.  And honestly, sometimes I think seeing you sets her back.”

   “Really?” I hadn’t thought of that, but looking back on all our interactions over the last month or so, I could totally see what my mom was talking about.  “I don’t want to hurt her.”

   “Oh, we know, honey.  We know.  Daddy and I just want you to be healthy and happy, and right now, the Wallace house isn’t a good place for you to be.”

   “But what about Hayes?”

   “You know Hayes is welcome at our house any time.”

   “But he needs me.  I’m the only friend he has here.”

   My mother held my gaze, staring intently into my eyes, and I never wavered. 

   “Okay, a compromise.  Hayes can come here to visit you if he needs to, and you may go to his house
only
if your father or I go with you.”

   I thought about all the potential time lost with Hayes if I couldn’t go over alone, but then I saw the concern and love written all over my mom’s face and I knew I had no reason to argue.

   “Okay.”

   She smiled at me, patted my hand, and then went to the refrigerator, starting to prepare dinner, and it was like the last ten minutes never happened.

   Later that evening, alone in my room, I called Hayes.  There was so much to talk about, so much to tell him.

   “Hey, babe,” he answered, the phone only ringing a few times.

   “Hey.”

   “You okay?”  It was impossible to hide anything from him it seemed.

   “My mom was waiting for me when I got home, and she says she doesn’t think I should be at your house until your mom is a little better off than she is now.”  He was silent for a moment, too long of a moment, but when he finally spoke, it surprised me.

   “I agree.  The things she said to you were out of line.  You already know how I feel about it.”

   “So, how are we supposed to see each other if I can’t come to your house and we can’t be seen in public together?”

   “I can always come over there?”  He sounded unsure of his answer.

   “Hayes, you know I love you, but hanging out with you and my parents isn’t really the experience I was looking for.  This is exactly what I was talking about—this isn’t how relationships are supposed to be.”

   “That’s the first time you’ve told me you loved me in a flippant kind of way.”  His words were lit up with a smile I couldn’t see, but knew was there regardless.  The memory of his smile made my heart flutter a little.  “It makes me really happy.” 

   And I was a McKenzie puddle.

   “You want to go on a date?”  He sounded serious, which just made me groan.

   “You know we can’t go on a date.”

   “We can in Bellingham.”

   “Hayes, this isn’t funny.”

   “I’m not joking.”  Suddenly he was excited, as if the idea was blooming in his mind and he couldn’t contain his enthusiasm.  “Seriously, have Holly or Becca cover for you, tell your parents you’re spending the night with them, and come to Bellingham
with me.  We can leave tonight and come back tomorrow.”

   “What about your mom?”

   “My mom’s been doing okay all week.  Still sleeping late, but getting up in the afternoons.  She even made dinner last night.  She’ll be fine for one night.”

   “I don’t know.”

   “Listen, I’ll make up some excuse, and ask your mom to check on her.  It’s no big deal, really, she’s doing better.”

   His plan sounded a little crazy, a little too sneaky, too dishonest, but my mind grabbed hold of the idea of one whole night with Hayes, and suddenly the need to be with him outweighed the risk.

   “Okay,” I whispered.

   “Okay?  You’ll go?”

   “I’ll go.”

   An hour later we were driving down the interstate in Hayes’s Mustang and I couldn’t help but feel as though I were a criminal running from the law.  I was sure someone was going to catch on to us, see us, or simply put two and two together.  Becca had been easy enough to convince to cover for me, although I’d had to promise to tell her why I needed an alibi on Monday.  I agreed, knowing I’d have a whole weekend to figure out what to tell her.  Part of me wanted to tell her the truth, wanted just
somebody
to know what was going on between Hayes and me.  It didn’t feel real otherwise.

   He’d told me we were going to meet up with a few of his friends and that terrified me.  Especially since he said we were meeting up with them at a bar.  He’d assured me that they never checked IDs, but I was still a nervous wreck thinking about sneaking around with my boyfriend who I was certainly not supposed to be dating, but also sneaking into a bar when I was completely, 100 percent underage.  But I’d also learned from that conversation that I would apparently follow Hayes anywhere and somewhere deep inside of me, I was perfectly okay with that.  I knew, on some base level, that he’d take care of me, that I would be safe with him.

   He turned his head, looking at me quickly, then turned his eyes back to the road.  His hand, which had been firmly planted on my bare thigh the instant we got on the freeway, gave me a gentle squeeze.  “You look like you’re zoning out on me.”  He squeezed my thigh again and I figured he knew every time he did that, little bolts of electricity shot through me, causing my lungs to stop functioning and my brain to go muddy.

   “No, I’m not.  I’m just thinking.”

   “About what?”

   “About how secure you make me feel.”  His head turned and his gaze caught mine for just a few moments before turning away again.  “It’s not something I ever really considered before, or ever thought I wanted from someone, until you gave it to me.”  I shrugged, looking away, my cheeks heating with the embarrassment of letting my words run away with me.  “I don’t know, it’s silly I guess.”

   “It’s not, babe.  I’m glad I make you feel that way.  I’d never let anything happen to you.”

   My hand reached for his far cheek as I leaned over the console, and kissed him just below his jawbone.  Then, because I could feel the way his heart started thumping and the way his Adam’s apple bobbed, I moved my mouth lower.

   “Kenz,” he squeaked as I slowly moved my mouth over his neck, noticing how great he smelled there.  “Babe, seriously, I just vowed to keep you safe, so you can’t do this to me while I’m driving a car.”

   He had a point, so I pulled away.  The rest of the drive was spent with some part of him touching me, and I couldn’t complain.

   We headed straight to the bar and my nerves were bouncing through my body. I wasn’t sure if I was going to barf or not from the adrenaline.  Surely the bouncer at this bar would take one look at me and either realize I was way too young to drink, or see that I was shaking and hyperventilating and become suspicious.

   But there was no bouncer.  In fact, there was no one at the door at all.  Hayes just opened it and led me inside, his hand wrapped around mine.  We walked through a little area that looked like it might have been a coat room, but was now simply covered with papers stapled to every open space.  People looking for roommates, furniture for sale, textbooks for sale—a paper stapled to the wall for almost anything you could think of.  He pushed through a second door and I was accosted by a wave of loud music.  The bass was so loud it thumped my chest, sending vibrations through me.

   Hayes didn’t stop, he made his way through the bar like he’d been there a thousand times, his hand still firmly gripping mine, and we headed toward the back corner.  We had to weave through people because the place was packed.  It made sense though, once I thought about it—it was a Friday night in a college town.  He pulled me all the way across the dance floor, squeezing between people who were in every state imaginable between respectfully dancing and having sex with clothes on.  He brought me all the way to the back of the bar to a table with four people already sitting around it, smiling, laughing, and drinking.

   A blonde girl who didn’t look a day older than me gave Hayes a wide smile when she saw him.

   “Hayes!  Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you decided to come down.”  She hopped off her stool and I was surprised by how tiny she was.  Her short blonde hair made her look like a tiny pixie.  She moved to hug Hayes and he wrapped his free arm around her, not letting my hand go.  The other girl at the table followed suit, a brunette who was much taller and much curvier, and hugged him.  Both girls returned to their seats and I noticed their eyes roaming over me.  The two guys at the table stood and they all exchanged handshakes followed by back slaps.

   “Guys, this is McKenzie, my girlfriend.”

   Surprise shot through me at his introduction, but I tried to hide it.  The last thing I needed was Hayes’s friends watching me freak out.  I
was
his girlfriend, but I hadn’t expected him to come out and tell his friends about us so openly.

   “Kenz, this is Alice, Kristen, Bryan, and David.”

   I waved with my free hand and then shouted, “Hi,” in order to be heard over the music.

   “David is my roommate,” he said pointing to the guy in the middle who had his arm wrapped around the brunette.  “He’s with Kristen,” he said pointing to her.  “Bryan majored in history with David and me, and Alice was the barista at the coffee shop we used to always invade.”

   “Nice to meet you all,” I said loudly, still trying to combat the music.

   “Sit!” Alice yelled.  Hayes let go of my hand and pulled up two chairs that had been abandoned at nearby tables.  The table was high and so was the chair.  Hayes held out his hand and helped me up and once I was settled he kissed my temple before climbing up onto his chair.  When I turned back to the table all four of his friends were looking at us like we’d grown third arms.

   “So,” Kristen said, her eyes darting between us.  “How’ve you been?”  She asked the question expectantly, but not unkindly.

   “Good.  You know, just taking everything day by day.”  He reached out to me, threading his fingers between mine.

   “How’s the teaching going?  I know you were worried about having to start over.”  Alice stirred her pink, fancy-looking drink as she asked the question, her eyes centered on Hayes, seeming to be genuinely interested in his answer.

   He shrugged.  “It was a little rough at first, trying to work a new concept into my thesis, a new topic essentially, but luckily my anatomy theory can be molded to fit any shape.  I just took everything I was using here and applied it to the host teacher’s curriculum topic.”  He laughed and then ran his hand through his hair.  “You guys don’t want to hear about this stuff.”

   “You’re right,” David said without hesitation.  “We want to know why you’ve shown up with a girlfriend none of us have ever heard of.”

   “Yes,” Kristen let out on a loud exhale, while Bryan took a long drink from his beer, looking as though he didn’t want to get pulled into the conversation, but was eager to know the answer.  Hayes laughed again, a true, sincere laugh, as though his friend’s question didn’t strike him as rather abrupt like it had me.  Hayes obviously thought David’s question was funny.

   “I’ve known McKenzie my whole life, but it’s just never worked out before now.”  He looked over at me as he said the words and I was a little dumbstruck by how much love I saw reflected in his eyes, by how much affection the words held.  And like he was reading my mind he leaned over to me, wrapped his free hand around the back of my neck, and pulled me into him for a kiss.  It wasn’t a chaste kiss by any means, but it wasn’t obnoxiously inappropriate either.  It was slow and soft and completely out in the open.  Any person in that bar could have seen him kiss me, and the weight that lifted off me in that moment was heavier than I remembered it being as I carried it around the last month of my life.

   He pulled away, smiled at me, and then tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear before turning back to his friends.

   “Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that was ridiculously cute and also it’s about freaking time, Wallace.”  This came from Alice, who was all smiles.  Looking at me she continued, “I was afraid he was going to be a bachelor forever.  He never really seemed interested in anyone since freshman year.”

   I thought about the girl, Allison, he said he’d been with.  I didn’t really know how to respond, so I just smiled.

   “Do you want a drink?” Hayes asked, whispering in my ear, making a shiver float down my spine. 

   “Water?” I wasn’t brave enough to drink alcohol.  Not that night. Not when it was our first together out in the open.  I wanted to be in the moment, even if I was terrified down to my bones to be around his friends, in his environment.  I wanted desperately to fit in, to feel as though I could slip right into his life and be a part of it.  But I didn’t want to drink.

   “Sure, I’ll be right back.”  He looked around the table.  “Anyone else need a refill?”  Both David and Bryan held up their beer bottles, but both girls shook their heads.  I watched as Hayes headed toward the bar, then turned back to the group, plastering a smile on my face.

   “So, how do you know Hayes?”  This came from Bryan, the first words I’d heard from him that night, and they were friendly.

   “His mom and my mom have been friends forever.  Hayes grew up just down the street from me.”

   “Oh,” Kristen said sadly, “so you knew Cory then?  And their dad?”

   I nodded.  “Cory was my best friend.”  I didn’t add any more information.  For once, these people didn’t know all the intricate lines drawn between Hayes and me.  So I didn’t share.

   “We’re so sorry,” Alice said solemnly.

   “Thank you.”  I gave them a small smile, but then tried to redirect the conversation.  “So, you guys had classes with Hayes?”