Instead of You (19 page)

   I’d been wearing a ridiculous smile for the last half hour.  As soon as we’d made it up the hill and off the compound, back into civilization and cell service, my phone pinged with a text.

  
**I took the opportunity to sneak out of camp while you were with Becca.  Last night was amazing.  Call me when you get home.**

   It had taken me ten minutes to finally come up with a reply.

  
**I missed you when I came back.  I’ll call you later.**

  I didn’t want to seem needy or clingy, but I couldn’t contain the overwhelming feelings within me, all the emotions the night before had brought up.  The decision to tell him I’d missed him was something I debated with myself over, but finally I decided to take the leap.  I
had
missed him.  I’d been disappointed to find him gone.  I thought, if anything, maybe he needed the reassurance just as much as me.

   “So, what do you guys want to do today?” Holly asked, just before she took a dainty bite of pancake.

   “We could hit the mall?”  This came from Jacob.  He wasn’t exactly a stranger, but he was a new addition to our group—a welcome addition—but new nonetheless.  I admired the way he didn’t seem intimidated by us and all of our long-standing friendships.  He just kind of fit right in. 

   For the tiniest moment it occurred to me that there’d been a spot to fill.  The one Cory had left open.  But I pushed the thought aside, telling myself that Jacob would be there regardless.  He was by no means trying to fill a role.

   “I need to shower and change first,” Becca said, making a disgusted expression as she reached up and palmed her bun.  All three of us girls were sporting the messy bun.  Not out of choice, but out of necessity.  We truly looked like we’d all spent the night sleeping on the ground.

   “I think you look amazing,” Jacob said without one ounce of insincerity.  The two of them locked gazes. Becca blushed, I rolled my eyes, and Holly and Todd continued to steal food from each other’s plates.

   “Well, you guys have fun.  I still have so much work to catch up on, I’ve got to go home.”

   “What?  No.  Kenz, come with us.  You can do homework tomorrow,” Becca begged, her voice whiney but sincere.

   I hadn’t been to the mall with my friends in weeks, and part of me thought it would be fun, but then I thought about being the fifth wheel, especially to Becca and Jacob’s budding romance, and I knew it would just be awkward and uncomfortable.  “No, really, I shouldn’t have even gone to the party last night.”  I bit off a piece of my bacon, and watched my friends make plans for their afternoon.

   The girls dropped me off at my house, and I used the side door to sneak into the garage, putting my camping gear away, a smile slipping across my face as I placed the sleeping bags back on their shelf, remembering Hayes’s fingers playing with the strands of my hair as we laid in them.  When I went back around to the front of the house and opened the door, I found my mom and dad sitting in the living room.  My dad was watching TV, reclined and relaxed, and my mom had her Kindle, reading while she lay on the couch.

   When I came in they both turned to look at me and I took the obligatory moment to gauge their faces to see if they had realized I wasn’t where I said I’d be last night.  My mom smiled so I let out a small breath of relief, knowing they hadn’t caught on.

   “Hey, sweetie.  Have fun with the girls last night?”

   “I always do.”  I returned her smile, but then headed toward my room.  I stopped at the mouth of the hall when she kept talking.

   “What are your plans for the rest of the day?”

   “Just homework,” I said with a shrug, feeling the weight of everything I still had to do pressing down on my shoulders.  “I’m still pretty far behind.  I shouldn’t have even gone out last night.”

   “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, McKenzie.”  This came from my father, who kicked the foot of his recliner down and spun around so he could face me.  “Your teachers all gave you ample time to make up your work.  There’s no need to cause yourself stress to finish it all in one week.  Take it easy.”

   My father’s concern warmed me.  I found it impossible to not be a daddy’s girl, especially since I was an only child.  His fatherly love and devotion was concentrated on me, and I loved it.  Bloomed under it.

   “Okay, Daddy.  I’ll try.”  He winked at me, spun back around.  I looked to my mom.  “Are you going to check on Mrs. Wallace today?”  I knew my mom had been the one to stay with her until late last night because Hayes was supposed to be in Bellingham until today.

   “I was going to head over there later.  Hayes called me this morning and said he’d come home early, so I haven’t been there yet today.”

   “I can go over there if you want, if you need a break.”  I had both selfish reasons for offering to go, but also because my mom truly deserved some time away.  She’d never say it, but caring for Mrs. Wallace was emotionally draining for her.  I knew it chewed her up inside to see her best friend in such a fragile state, barely holding on to her sanity.

   “How about we go together?”  Her face was filled with affection, as if my offering to go for her was a gift.

   “Sounds good.”  I turned and continued down the hall to my room.  I took a shower, both glad and sad to rinse the night away.  Even though my instincts told me my nights with Hayes had just begun, I couldn’t help but slip the memory into the little folder of my mind labeled Best Night Ever.

   Sitting down at my desk, my homework in front of me, piles formed based on which assignments were most important or due first, was just a little overwhelming.  I knew if I took it one piece at a time it would be easy, but the stacks intimidated me.  I picked up my phone and called Hayes.

   “Hey,” he answered, the sound of his voice, just one word, making some of my stress float away.  “You get home okay?”

   “Yeah, the girls dropped me off a little while ago.”  I stood from my desk and walked to my bed, lying down and looking out the window.  “Did your mom do all right while you were gone?”

   “I think so.  Actually, she got out of bed a little while ago and ate breakfast.”  His voice sounded optimistic and happy.

   “That’s amazing.”

   “She ate, then took a shower, and now she’s in the living room.  She’s just sitting there watching TV, but she’s not in bed, so I say it’s a win.”  The hope in his voice broke my heart.  I wanted that for him, for his mother to get better.  Not only for Mrs. Wallace’s sake, but equally for Hayes’s. 

   “It’s a good day, then.”

   “The best,” he replied, voice lower and raspy, making the hairs on my arms stand up.  “It killed me to leave you this morning.”

   “Well, it killed me to come back to the tent and see you were gone.  But I understand why you left.  It was smart, actually.  We’re lucky no one saw you.”

   “Yeah.”

   “I’m going to come over later with my mom.”

   “And the day just gets better and better.”

   “Do you think it’s going to get harder to be around our parents?  To pretend like nothing is happening between us?”

   “Probably,” he said, the honesty vibrating in his voice.  “Does that bother you?”

   I shrugged and then realized he couldn’t see me.  “I don’t know.  It just sucks that something that makes me so happy has the potential to hurt so many people.”

   “Just promise me something, Kenz.”

   “What?”

   “Promise me the moment you aren’t happy anymore, you’ll tell me.”

   His voice told me he was thinking about all the time I spent with Cory.  All the years I convinced myself the feelings would come eventually.  I didn’t have the words to explain to him how being unhappy with him seemed like an impossibility. 

   “You’re not him, Hayes.  And I’m not the same person I was when I was with him, either.  I’ll tell you how I know the difference.”

   “How?”

   “My feelings for you were never a question.  I never once had to think about how I felt.  I’ve known all along it was you, I was just too afraid to believe it.”  I waited, listening to his soft breaths through the phone, wanting to hear any kind of response.

   “You shouldn’t say things like that to me over the phone,” he murmured, so quietly I almost couldn’t hear him.

   “Why?” I whispered.

   “Because I can’t kiss you through the phone.”

   His words had the same effect as a kiss: my head became light, my mouth turned up in a shy smile, and my pulse raced.  “Oh,” was my breathy response.

   “I’ll find a way to kiss you later.”

  
Oh, God.

   My body reacted immediately to his words, my core clenching, breath hitching.  I didn’t know if he meant he’d find an opportunity to kiss me, or he’d kiss me in a way I’d only imagined someone kissing me—his mouth on unfamiliar parts of my body.

   “All right.”  I wasn’t sure he heard me; my voice was just a whoosh of air, my lungs simply giving up on functioning correctly.

   “I’ll see you when you get here.”

   “Okay.”

   He hung up and if I weren’t already lying down, I would have collapsed onto my bed.  I didn’t know if I was going to be able to keep up with Hayes; he obviously had an advantage in the sexual prowess department.  Something told me even if he left me in the dust, I’d regret not taking the ride.

Chapter Seventeen

McKenzie

   It was dinnertime and Mom and I were headed to see Mrs. Wallace and Hayes.  My dad stayed behind, telling us he had things to work on at home.  Mom kissed his cheek, her hand reverently on his face, and told him she loved him before we left the house. 

   Mark had been my dad’s best friend.  Introduced to each other through my mom and Mrs. Wallace, they’d become fast friends.  Twenty years of friendship had been built between them, and I knew my dad was taking Mark’s loss hard.  Not in an unhealthy way, but still in a gut-wrenching way.  I knew going to Mark’s house made him uncomfortable—he did it, but he sometimes tried to stay away.  That evening seemed to be one of those times.

   My mother carried two pizza boxes down the street while I kept pace beside her.  She’d decided she was too lazy to cook, so it became a pizza night.

   “I hope Chelsea doesn’t mind the pizza.”

   “Mom, you know she won’t.” 

   “Part of me kind of wishes she would.  I’d love to see the feisty side of Chelsea, love to see her get worked up over something. 
Anything
. “

   “She’ll come around.”  I tried to sound confident in my words, but the truth was, I had no idea.  I could hope, just as much as anyone, that eventually she’d be all right, but I knew there was no guarantee. 

   Just like it’d been for over twenty years, my mom pushed open the door to the Wallace household without knocking.  We stepped in, but I stopped suddenly when I collided with my mother’s back.  I was not even a foot inside the house and my mother was stalled.  I followed her gaze and my eyes landed on Mrs. Wallace, sitting on the couch, showered, and looking tired but completely lucid.

   She looked more alive than she had in weeks.

   “Chels,” my mom breathed.  I placed both my hands on my mother’s arms, near her shoulders, my heart nearly breaking at the sound of my mother’s unbelieving words, as if she were seeing a ghost.

   “Hey, Luce.”  She smiled and my mother’s shoulders started to shake, moving with a mixture of laughter and tears.  Even I was surprised by the transformation.  Mrs. Wallace looked almost normal.  She still had dark circles under her eyes, and she’d lost a lot of weight, but the distant, faraway look in her eyes was practically gone. 

   Mrs. Wallace stood from the couch, pushing up on the cushion with force to lift herself, weak from weeks of not using her muscles, but she made it.  Then she slowly walked toward us.  I put gentle pressure on my mother’s back, urging her into the house.  She shuffled forward and I was able to enter and close the door behind me.

   I’d been so wrapped up in Mrs. Wallace, I hadn’t noticed Hayes in the kitchen, but my eyes swung to him as he walked to my mother, taking the pizza boxes from her just in time for Mrs. Wallace to wrap my mother in a hug.

   “It’s good to see you,” Mrs. Wallace whispered, still hugging my mother tightly.

   “You, too.”

   Both of them had silent tears streaking their faces, and I wiped away one of my own.  A light touch caressed my arm and I looked over to see Hayes with his hand wrapped around my elbow, steering me toward the kitchen.  I followed him and we started setting the table and getting dinner ready, giving our mothers a moment alone.

   A minute later they broke apart, both laughing lightly, wiping beneath their eyes, Mrs. Wallace’s smile tinted with sadness still.  I wondered if I’d ever see her again without the shroud of grief.  Probably not. 

   “Shall we eat?”  Hayes’s question caught their attention and I watched his mother’s gaze soften when her eyes fell on him.

   “It’s just pizza,” my mom said, defending the meal we’d brought. 

   “It’s perfect,” Mrs. Wallace said with a smile.

   We all sat at the table, Hayes taking the seat next to mine, making me hide a smile.  Our mothers held light conversation, never venturing into any heavy topics, and I was content to sit and listen.  I knew the conversation was good for Mrs. Wallace, that she was taking a big step in moving forward, but it was also good for my mom; she’d missed her best friend.

   When a foot hooked around my ankle beneath the table, I tried not to react, but couldn’t help it when my eyes stole away to Hayes.  He wasn’t looking at me, but I saw his smile anyhow.  He brought my foot toward him, captured it really, and then held it hostage between his own.  Every few moments I felt his toes move up my calf, making it impossible for me to eat without looking like I was trying to keep a secret.

   “McKenzie’s been a big help around here, Luce.  I really appreciate her.”  My name from Mrs. Wallace’s mouth caught my attention.  “I shouldn’t have leaned on her as much as I did, but in some ways, she’s all I have left of Cory.”