Instead of You (14 page)

   I’d never touched anyone the way I touched Kenzie.  I touched her with delicate pressure, with intention, to try and give her some measure of how much I cared about her.  There were no ulterior motives, no hopes that one touch would lead to many.  Most of the time I felt as though if I never touched her again, I could live off the memory of my hands on her, of her lips on mine.  That wouldn’t stop me from reaching out to her though, from daring to touch her in an untouchable place, where everything I’d worked so hard for could be stripped away from me.

   She didn’t stop, she didn’t say anything, and she didn’t tense at my touch—she took it, claimed it, and continued down the hall.  I knew in that moment, although it was probably already a foregone conclusion, that McKenzie Harris had taken a piece of me I’d never get back.

   That evening when I arrived home I found my mom asleep on the couch.  I was both glad she’d gotten out of bed, but a little worried that she was still sleeping.

   “Mom,” I said, gently shaking her shoulder.  “Mom,” I repeated softly.  Finally, after a few nudges, she started to rouse.

   “Hey, sweetie,” she said just after opening her eyes.

   “You’re out of bed,” I said as she sat up.

   “I woke up and you were gone, so I decided to try and watch some TV.  You know, to keep my mind occupied.”

   Well, it could have been worse.  She could have wandered into Cory’s room.  I’d found her there a few times over the last month, sitting on his bed and staring off into space, or clutching his pillow and sobbing.  She swore she could still smell him on it.  I took her word for it.

   “How are you feeling?”  A shadow fell over her face.

   “It’s hard to be awake.”  Her voice was almost as frail as her body.

   “I know, Mom,” I whispered.  “Can I make you something to eat?”

   She gave me a smile that was just a shattered shell of what it used to be.  “Sure, sweetie.  That sounds good.”  She stood at the same time I did, just ten times slower, and started heading back toward her room.  “I’m just going to take a shower first.”

   “Okay.”  I started gathering what I’d need to make her dinner, but when I heard the shower start and the unmistakable sounds of her under the water, I went in her room to change her sheets.

Chapter Thirteen

McKenzie

   The morning I woke up in Hayes’s arms was, well, perfect.  I’d never felt as cherished as I did with him, never wondered whether my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, or if my cheeks were just going to melt away from the heat.

   Being in his class got easier because after that morning I no longer worried about what we were doing or what we were to each other. I knew he wanted it just as much as I did, so it was easier to be around him.  The ache to touch him was still there, and my eyes still roamed over his body like they owned him, but it wasn’t the agony it had been at first.

   I don’t know if my friends noticed some difference in me and my demeanor, but they started treating me differently as well.  They no longer coddled me or handled me with gloves.  They joked around with me, teased me, hugged me without sadness, and that, too, was better.  I was in the midst of beginning to
remember
Cory, instead of constantly being reminded that he was gone.  Holly and Becca no longer avoided topics for fear of bringing him up and making me sad.  Instead, we talked about him, we laughed over our memories, and even if just a little bit, the guilt eased.

   I smiled when I opened my locker and saw his picture.  I laughed when Todd retold the story of the time Cory took his clothes and tossed them downriver once when we’d all gone skinny dipping.  Things were getting
better
, and I wanted to cling to that, to bring it with me all the time just to show everyone, to say “Look!  I miss him, but I didn’t end with him.  We have to keep moving, in part, because he can’t.”

   Along with all the joys of living again, there also came the fear of what would happen when it all came crashing down.  Someday, if Hayes and I continued, everyone would find out about us, and they would all have an opinion about it.  There were moments I couldn’t care less what other people thought, but then I’d think of our parents, of Mrs. Wallace specifically, and I’d feel nauseous.  I didn’t want to have to explain to her how I’d been in love with Hayes for two years, but still stayed with Cory because I loved him too, just not in the same way.

   Thinking about it gave me headaches.

   However, watching Hayes lightly tapping a pile of papers into a neat stack was more than enough to ease those fears.  The bell hadn’t rung yet and students were still trickling into the classroom.  The desk next to me, Cory’s old desk, had remained eerily empty.  We didn’t have assigned seats, people could sit wherever they wanted, but no one had taken the desk Cory had claimed as his own, right next to me.  So, when a body slid into it I startled, my gaze pulled from Hayes and landing on Nathan Patterson.

   “Hey, McKenzie,” he said with an easy smile.

   “Hi, Nate.”  I was a little confused.  Nathan had never spoken to me before and he definitely hadn’t ever sat next to me in class.

   “We don’t have school on Friday.  District in-service, or something like that.”

   “Yeah, three-day weekend,” I replied, still unsure as to why he was speaking to me.

   “Well, Thursday night everyone is going over to Ryan Holstater’s house.  You’ve been there before, right?”

   “Yeah.”  Ryan’s house was the same place Cory and I had gone camping.  Where the picture in my locker was taken.

   “Well, I’m officially inviting you.”  He said the words as if I should have been grateful to him for the invitation.

   “Oh,” I stammered, unused to boys I didn’t know inviting me to go places.

   “Yeah, it’s no big deal, just bring a tent, or, ya know, share one.”  He winked at me and I had to hold back a grimace.

   “Can Holly, Becca, and Todd come too?”

   He shrugged.  “The more the merrier.  Just make sure if you guys want to drink anything, you bring your own.  BYOB.”

   “Mr. Patterson, I need you to go back to your seat.  I’d like to start class.”  Hayes’s voice was authoritative and stern.  Nate just leaned back in his seat, getting comfortable.

   “I’m good here, Mr. Wallace.”

   The room fell silent as a hush spread through, everyone waiting to see how Hayes handled his first insubordinate student.  I watched as Hayes practically burned a hole through Nate with his gaze, the muscle in his jaw twitching.  A few seconds felt like forever, but finally Hayes responded.

   “Suit yourself, but the side conversations end now.”

   With that, the class began, and we all got our first taste of Mr. Wallace in a bad mood.  He was short-tempered, snappy, and not the easygoing, playful teacher we’d enjoyed for almost two weeks.

   When the bell rang the students practically jumped out of their seats, trying to get out of his classroom as soon as possible for fear he’d assign extra homework for stragglers.  I packed up my bag and could feel the heat of his eyes on my back, knew he was watching me, and when I was just about to walk out the door I caught his gaze. 

   He looked angry, but not at me.  He looked angry with himself.

   I hurried to my locker and just as I was about to close it Ryan Holstater leaned his shoulder against the locker next to mine.

   “Hey, McKenzie,” he said with a bright and friendly smile.

   “Ryan, hi.”  I closed my locker and gripped the shoulder strap of my messenger bag, trying to look as though I was ready to leave.

   “I just wanted to invite you to my house tomorrow night.  I’m having another campout and wanted to make sure you knew you were invited.  I know you usually came with Cory, because he was on the team, but….”

   His words faded away and so did my apprehension.  Ryan was obviously trying to show me I was still a part of the group, still accepted by Cory’s friends, even though he was gone.

   “Thanks, Ryan.  That’s really nice of you.  Nate just invited me last period too.”

   Ryan rolled his eyes.  “Don’t let Nate keep you away.  That guy, if he wasn’t on the swim team, I’d totally kick his ass.”

   I laughed, thankful that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t impressed by him.  “Do you think I could bring Holly, Becca, and Todd, too?  They came with Cory and me to the last one, we all had fun.”

   “Definitely,” he said, again with a friendly smile.

   “Okay,” I replied brightly.  “I’ll ask them if they want to go.  Thanks for the invite.”

   “No problem, it’d be great to have you there.”  His words sounded sincere and friendly, nothing like Nate’s invitation.

   I waved to him as I walked toward the doors leading outside, trying to hurry.

   “Kenzie!”  I heard Holly’s voice from behind me and turned to see her jogging down the hall, dodging between people, weaving her way through the crowded hallway.  “Hey,” she said, out of breath from the sprint.

   “Hey, is something wrong?”

   She shook her head and let out a breathy, “No.”  Then she took a deep breath and continued.  “I just wanted to catch you before you left.  What are you doing tomorrow night?”

   “I don’t know yet, why?”

   “Todd and I got invited to Ryan Holstater’s house.  I wanted to know if you wanted to go with us.”

   I laughed.  “Man, this must be one awesome party.  Ryan just invited me too.”  Nothing spread faster through our high school than news of parties.

   “Yeah, and Jacob Matthews just invited Becca.”  Her eyes were wide, a fantastic smile on her face, and eyes sparkling.

   “He did not,” I deadpanned, truly shocked.  Becca had been crushing on Jacob Matthews since the middle of last year but had only been brave enough to ask him to dance at our winter formal a few months before.  The fact that he’d invited her was huge news in our little circle of friends.

   “He did.  So we need a total intervention before the party tomorrow.  We have to go to Becca’s house and do her hair, her makeup, make sure she’s wearing the right outfit.  This is her shot, Kenz.”

   “This is huge.” I was still a little shocked.

   “I know!” Holly squealed.  “So, you’re in?  She’s gonna need all the backup she can get.”

   “I’m totally in.”

   “Okay,” she said, slowly walking backward away from me.  “Tomorrow after school we go to Becca’s.  I’ll pick you up at four thirty.”  She waved and I waved back.

   “See you tomorrow.”

   And just like that, normality smacked me right in the face.  Crushes, parties, wardrobe decisions.  It was all so familiar.  I took just a moment to feel it, to let the emotions wash over me, but then I ran down the hall hoping to still catch my bus.

   I made it to the parking lot just in time to see the last bus pull out of the parking lot.

   “Damn it,” I said to no one but myself.  I reached into my bag and pulled out my phone, thumbing a text to Hayes.

  
**I feel like a second grader telling you this, but I missed my bus.  Any chance you can give me a ride?**

   I wandered back inside, hoping maybe I’d run into Holly again.  I did a lap around the entire school and hadn’t seen anyone I could catch a ride from when my phone buzzed in my hand.

  
**You know where the equipment room is?  Down the arts hall, by the practice rooms?**

   **Yeah.**

   **Meet me in there in a half hour.  I have a few things to finish up and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to wait here with me.  Sorry.**

   **No problem.  See you there. And thanks.**

  
I sighed, but then decided to head to the library to get some work done while I waited.

   Thirty-five minutes later I was silently cursing myself for losing track of time while doing my homework, and I turned the corner heading down the hallway to the equipment room.

   I’d taken band my freshman year, my mother still clinging to her dream of my future career as a flute player, so I’d been inside the room which stored all the marching band outfits—tall black hats and all.  The hallway had multiple doors, all of which had tiny windows.  Some of them were covered with paper so you couldn’t see inside, and some of them were left uncovered.  Beside the equipment room there were a few practice rooms.  They were meant for band or choir students to use to rehearse, but I knew they got much more use as a place to hide while you skipped class, or a dark room to make out in during lunch.

   The window to the equipment room was uncovered and I could see it was dark inside.  I let out a relieved sigh, glad Hayes wasn’t waiting around for me.  I opened the door and stepped inside, my hand immediately reaching for the light switch, but another warm hand stopped me.

    I yelped in surprise, even as I was being pulled all the way into the room, then pressed against the wall right beside the door.

   “Shhhh,” Hayes whispered.  “I don’t want anyone to know we’re in here.”

   “You scared the crap out of me,” I panted while trying to slow my heart rate. 

   “I’m sorry.”  His words were sincere and coupled with a warm palm cradling the side of my face.  “I missed you, and I just wanted a quiet minute alone before I have to drop you off and pretend like you’re not mine.”

   His words both broke my heart and stole it away.  Before I could respond, his lips pressed softly against mine.  We’d not had much time together since the night on his couch the week before.  He’d been working a lot, trying to take care of his mom, and the few times I’d tried to go see him, my mom had come along.  So when he kissed me, I kissed him right back.

   Both of his hands moved to rest against the wall above my head, allowing his body to bow into mine, pressing me harder against the wall, the front of him firmly pressed into me.  My arm went slack, allowing my messenger bag to drop to the floor with a loud thump, but then my hands wound around his waist, moving up the center of his back, holding him to me.