Instead of You (18 page)

   She started at the base, squeezed, then moved to the tip, her hand becoming slick once she moved over the top. 

   “Jesus, McKenzie,” I whispered, unable to even move my lips from hers before I uttered the words.

   “Am I doing it wrong?”

   “What?” I pulled back, looking her in the eye.  “No, it’s better than I ever thought it could be.”

   Her hand started pumping up and down again, and I tried to focus on her, but I was losing control.  “Hayes, please, touch me too.”

   Without a second thought my hand slid down the softness of her stomach, pressed under the lace of her underwear, and I found her wet and warm.  “Christ, you’re perfect,” I managed, even though I could hardly put the words together.

   Minutes seemed like hours as we moved our hands over one another.  It might have lasted days, I had no idea.  She was moving her hand up and down my shaft so perfectly, and I was glorying in the feel of her, so tight and ready for me.  I slipped one finger inside and smiled softy when I felt all her muscles contract, even the ones in her jaw.  We had so much time ahead of us to figure it out, to make sure we were always in tune, but this first time—that first touch—it was so much more than I could have asked for.

   We were all hands and mouths and bodies rubbing against each other.  Eventually I lost the ability to care whether anyone could hear us because I was so lost in her.  We were panted breaths, and bitten shoulders, and
Yes
es and
Oh Gods
. 

   I focused the pads of my fingers on her clit, rubbing gentle yet quick circles, and I matched her pace.  My fingers followed the crescendo of her hand against me, and finally, we both found release together. 

   It was not lost on me how incredible or rare it was to come with someone simultaneously.  It had never happened to me before, and I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around how connected I already felt to McKenzie.

   “Wow,” she whispered after a few moments, both of us lying still, catching our breath.  “That was… perfect.”  She said the words and before I could even agree, she backpedaled.  “I mean, it was for me.  I know it probably wasn’t great for you.  I’m sorry.”

   “What are you talking about?” I said the words as I pulled her face to look me in the eye.  “You’ve got to stop doing that.  What we just did?  It was incredible.”  I pressed a soft kiss against her lips, trying to reassure her.  “Stop doubting yourself.”

   I lost her eyes for just a moment as she looked away, but she brought them back and said, “I just feel really inexperienced with you.”

   “Inexperienced?”

   She let out a small huff.  “Can we not talk about it?  I’m sorry I brought it up.”  Her hand came to cradle my face.  “I’m just overwhelmed is all.”  I watched her eyes, trying to figure out how to respond, when her face lit up suddenly.  “Oh, don’t move.”  She pulled out of my arms and reached into the corner of the tent that held all our clothes and pulled her purse from the bottom of the pile.  She reached inside and pulled out a travel-sized container of Kleenex.  I watched as she gingerly cleaned me up, then threw the tissue toward the foot of the tent.

   I watched as she searched for her tank top, then pulled it on.  I groaned inwardly, sad I was losing the beauty of her bared to me.  But as she was doing that, I remade the bed of her tent, zipping the two bags together, making it one bag and big enough for both of us.  She climbed back in, her sweatpants back on, but not the full garb she’d had on earlier, and I pulled my t-shirt back on.

   When we finally settled, she didn’t hesitate to curl into my side and rest her head on my chest again.

   “Can I ask you a question?” she whispered.

   “Of course.”

   “How many people have you slept with?”

   “Five,” I answered immediately.

   I heard a long pause, silence, then “Oh.”

   “Oh?”

   I felt her shrug.  “It’s just a lot.”

   “Is it?”

   “It’s more than me.”

   “I’m four years older than you.”

   Another silent pause.  “Yeah.”

   “Babe, I don’t want you to worry about how many people I’ve been with, or how you compare to any of them.  You don’t.  Or, they don’t, actually.  None of them compare to you.  They can’t.  They started in your shadow and none of them ever managed to get out of it.  The other girls, they were just, like, road bumps.”

   “Okay,” she whispered, but she did not sound convinced.

   “Listen, it goes both ways.  If I spend our whole relationship worrying about how I compare—to Cory of all people—it wouldn’t be fair to
us
.  I don’t want to think about you with other guys.  It’s not good.”

   Another silent pause, longer this time.  I thought maybe she’d fallen asleep, but then, “There’s no one to compare you to.  I’ve never been with anyone else.”

   “You mean, besides Cory?”

   “No,” she said softly.  “I mean, I’ve never
been
with anyone.”

   One day I’ll be glad the tent was pitch-black in that moment so McKenzie couldn’t see my face twist up in confusion, or my jaw drop at her words.  But the darkness couldn’t hide the words I said, unfortunately.  “You never had sex with Cory?”

   “Can we just take him out of the equation?  Can we just talk about my lack of experience in a general way?” she asked with exasperation.

   “Sure,” I said, even though I would never be able to pretend Cory wasn’t the guy she’d been with before me.  Ever.  “So, you’ve never had sex?  With anyone?”

   “No.”

   “How is that possible?”  I heard the words come out of my mouth and then realized they probably weren’t the best choice.  “What I mean is… um… I guess I’m just surprised.  You were with your last boyfriend for a long time.  And you’re eighteen.  I guess I just assumed….”  I rubbed my hand up and down her arm, trying to smooth over any aggravation I might have caused with my words.  “I’m sorry.  I’m saying all the wrong things.”

   “Is that okay with you?  I mean, I’m not very knowledgeable in the bedroom department.”

   I pressed my lips into her temple, kissing her gently.  “You know your way around a tent pretty well.”

   She laughed, which was exactly what I was going for, but then she also slapped my arm, which I also took since she was still laughing.  Her laughter died off slowly and I made a point to take all the humor out of my voice before I asked, “So, can I ask what you
have
done?”

   “Well,” she started, her voice a little shy and shaky, “everything I did to you tonight, I’ve done before.  But that’s as far as I’ve gone.  But….”  Her voice trailed off and I could feel her muscles tensing.

   “You don’t have to tell me right now, Kenz.  But you should tell me eventually.  This is important, you know, if we’re going to be together.”

   “The last person I was with, um, he’d seen me without my top, but he’d only ever touched me over my clothes between my legs.”  She said the words fast, as if she was trying to get them out before she lost her nerve.  Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

   “I wish you had told me sooner.”

   “Why?”

   “I think I might have handled the last hour of my life a little differently.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “If I’d known no one had ever touched you, I might have been a little gentler.  I would have taken a little more time.  I’m sorry.”

   “No, don’t be.  Everything was perfect.”

   I agreed, but I still felt terrible for it.  “I just need you to promise me if I ever hurt you, you’ll tell me.  If anything is ever uncomfortable, I need you to say something.”

   “Have you ever taken someone’s virginity?” she asked, her voice even quieter and soft.

   “Freshman year of college.  Her name was Allison.  We dated for almost a year.”

   We were both quiet for a while, then finally she asked, “Will you stay the night with me?”

   “I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

Chapter Sixteen

McKenzie

   I woke to the sound of a zipper going down.  You’d have thought thunder and lightning had stuck outside my tent for how fast I sat up, realizing that someone was trying to come in my tent, the tent that currently held a sleeping Hayes.  I threw the sleeping bag over his face and crawled to the opening, still panicking, when Becca’s face appeared in the hole she’d created.

   “Hey,” she whispered.  I could tell by the amount of light it was still early.  “I have to go to the bathroom.”  She stared at me expectantly.

   “And that involves me how?”

   “I’m not about to walk out in the trees to pee by myself.  Where’s your sisterly solidarity?  There could be creatures out there.”

   “Fine,” I conceded.  “Just give me a minute to get dressed.”

   “Hurry, please,” she said, making me laugh as she did a little dance.  I zipped the door closed again and turned around to see Hayes peek out from under the sleeping bag.  I held my finger up to my mouth, making sure he didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want Becca to hear him.

   He gave me a stupidly cute smile and crooked a finger at me.  His eyes were sparkling and his hair was absolutely all over the place, and his gorgeous lips were tipped up, smiling for me.  I crawled toward him, and when I got close enough, he reached out and wrapped his hand around my neck, pulling me the rest of the distance until our lips met.  He kissed me as his hands slid around my waist, dangerously close to my ass, until I pulled away. 

   I used my thumb to point to the door of the tent and he nodded.  Then he gave me one last kiss before he buried himself in the sleeping bag again.  I made sure all his belongings were out of sight, pulled on my sweatshirt and shoes, then unzipped the tent just enough for my body to slip out.  Then I made sure to zip it up all the way before I walked with Becca to find a place for her to pee.

   We walked in silence until she felt she was far enough from the tents and found a large bush, copping a squat.  She’d come prepared with a roll of toilet paper.  That fact made me giggle.  I was not, however, too proud to ask to use it.  On the way back to the tents, she led me closer to the water and started talking about her evening with Jacob.

   “I stayed in his tent all night.”  She said the words with a wince, as if she were afraid I would judge her for it.

   “I figured, seeing as how you didn’t spend the night in my tent.”  I gave her a smile, trying to show her that I wasn’t going to tease her or judge her for spending the evening with a guy.  “Did you have a good time?”

   She let out a dreamy sigh, and I think I saw little love birds flying around her head.  “He’s so sweet, Kenz.  He held my hand and it felt like I was fourteen again, holding a boy’s hand for the first time.  He kissed me but didn’t pressure me to do anything else.  We were just talking in the tent, not even, like, making out or anything, and he just held me until I fell asleep.”  She let out another lovesick sigh.  “Best night ever.”

   I couldn’t disagree.  But I also couldn’t tell her why my night was so exciting.  “So, do you think you guys are going to start dating, like, exclusively?”  I watched a blush come over her face in a wave, starting at her neck and moving up to her cheeks.

   “He asked me to be his girlfriend last night.”

   “Oh, God, you’re in trouble,” I said through a laugh.  “You guys are gonna be the cutest and most barf-inducing couple ever.”

   “I know!” she whisper-squealed, jumping up and down and quietly clapping her hands.  After she calmed down a bit, she turned to me, both her hands wrapping around my forearm.  “Nate was such an asshole last night, but you have to admit, watching Jacob, Ryan, and Todd get all alpha male on him was pretty hot.”

   “Hot?  I don’t know.  It was nice of them….”

   “Come on, Kenzie, Ryan’s been crushing on you for years.  You can’t tell me that him kicking Nate out of his party for you wasn’t flattering in the least.”

  
Oh, no. 
The last thing I needed were rumors started about me and a guy.  I wanted to fly low, under everyone’s radar.  Eventually, if things worked out with Hayes and me, my friends would find out.  But now was not the time.

   “He threw Nate out of the party because he was being a poor excuse for a human being, not because he was trying to flatter me.”

   “I don’t know,” she sang.

   “Even if you’re right, even if he’s had a crush on me for years, I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

   “I know.  You’re right.  I’m sorry.  Cory’s only been gone six weeks.  Of course you’re not ready yet.”  She sounded honestly contrite.

   Even though it felt terrible, I had to let her believe that was the reason I didn’t want to pursue anything with Ryan.  “Thanks for understanding,” I said as I shot her the guiltiest smile.

   We made plans to pack up camp in an hour or so and try to beat the rush of all the other kids, who would inevitably be hungover and grumpy, up the hill.  Becca said she’d get Holly, hoping she and Todd were asleep, not wanting to “get an earful.”  Not that they were big exhibitionists, but it was early in the morning and they were alone in a tent.  I understood her hesitance.  Pancakes were on our agenda.

   When I made it back to my tent I was almost giddy with the excitement of seeing Hayes again, getting the chance to kiss him again before he left, but I was sadly disappointed to find he was already gone.  In the back of my mind I knew it was smart of him to leave early, lessening the chance of being seen by anyone, but after such an intense night, of feeling so connected to him, I was able to admit it hurt he hadn’t said good-bye.

   He was gone.  His shoes were gone.  His clothes.  I felt his absence in a scary way, as if an actual part of me were missing.  I crawled back into my now-too-big sleeping bag and let out a heavy sigh, silently chiding myself for being so silly.  But when I inhaled, I smiled.

  
Hayes
.

   I could smell him on my pillow.

   Two hours later, Becca, Jacob, Holly, Todd, and I all sat in a booth at our favorite breakfast spot.  Ryan had driven us and our gear up the hill and looked a little dismayed that he couldn’t come with us.  Holly invited him no less than ten times.  She obviously couldn’t see me shooting her an angry look that said, “Shut up!”  He’d declined every invitation, telling us he needed to stay behind and help everyone get up from the campsite.  I waved and gave him a quick, “Good-bye,” before getting in the car.