Instead of You (21 page)

   “How are you?” I asked, trying to open some sort of communication between us.  It wasn’t the real question I wanted to ask her.  I wanted to know why she was pulling away, what I could do to keep her close, if she really loved me the way she’d said she did just a week ago, but I know those questions would only make her shield go up even farther, put more of a wall between us.

   I watched her face as she battled to answer the question.  Her eyes were welling and I let a string of curse words run rampant in my mind.  I was so fucking tired of watching her cry.  She quickly wiped a tear away and said, “I’ve been better.”

   “Yeah,” I said on a breath.  “Me too.”

   “Why did you ask me to come here, Hayes?  You know if someone sees me in here, you could get in a lot of trouble.”

   “I just wanted to talk to you.  You’ve been avoiding me.  At least here we can talk in private.”

   She didn’t say anything in reply.  Just wiped away another tear.

   “Why are you crying?” I asked softly.

   “This
hurts
, Hayes.”  Her words were accusatory, like I was trying to hurt her on purpose.

   “Tell me what I can do to make it hurt less?”  I took a step toward her, feeling so much relief when she didn’t move farther away.

   She just shook her head, looking at me, begging me with her eyes to make the pain go away. 
Fuck it
.  I walked to her, took her hand, and pulled her to the one corner of the room hidden from the window.  She came willingly, let me lead her.  I grabbed the rolling chair from my desk, sat in the corner, then pulled her onto my lap, her legs straddling mine.  I pulled her into me, letting her face rest against my chest, and wrapped my arms around her, trying to comfort her.

   Minutes passed, just her sitting on my lap, crying.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I just held her.  Eventually, she spoke.

   “I’m so confused, Hayes.  The whole time I was with Cory I knew what we had wasn’t right.  I knew he wasn’t it for me, but I hoped, because I loved him, I was wrong.”  She lifted her head to look me in the eye, her face wet from tears.  “But now, with you, it’s
right
, I know it is.  You’re it.  There will never be anyone else who makes the world as colorful as you, who makes me smile as much as you, who loves me like you do.  But it’s all still so wrong.  So, tell me how I’m supposed to ignore the part of my brain that screams at me every day, that reminds me of who we’re hurting and who we’re lying to, and just
be
.”

   My hands cradled her face, eyes darting between hers, trying to find the right words, the words that would keep her with me.

   “I know this, us, isn’t ideal.  Trust me, I want to shout to the world and tell everyone how much I love you, how long I’ve waited for you to even look at me with the tiniest spark of interest.”  My thumbs rub just under her eyes, catching the tears that just keep falling.  “And I know the odds are stacked against us, Kenz.  I do.  But none of that outweighs my need to be with you.  None of the consequences are worth living without the hope of us.  Does that make sense?”

   She stared at me, eyes vacant, and all I could see was worry and hurt. 
Fuck.
 

   “Okay, let’s try something different.  You tell me what you’re worried about, and I’ll explain why it doesn’t fucking matter.”

   Underneath the sadness I swear I saw just the hint of a smile, and it was just as though someone had lit a fucking fuse inside me, hope sizzling through my limbs.  She was still in there, my McKenzie, and I could still keep her.  I just had to show her there was nothing that could come between us.

   “What if your mom finds out?”  I knew this was her biggest concern, and frankly, it was mine too.  My mother wasn’t exactly stable.

   “Listen, I’ll agree that if my mom were to find out about us, oh, tomorrow, it would probably be a shock to her, and might upset her, but eventually she will come around.  She’s dealing with a lot right now.  You can’t make yourself unhappy to save my mother.  She needs to deal with her own emotions.”

   “What if us being together causes tension between our mothers?  What if my mom takes my side, and your mom is mad at me, and they stop being friends?”

   “What if an asteroid hits the earth tomorrow?”  I blink at her, trying to make her understand that we can’t deal with what-ifs.    Then,
then
, she smiled and slapped my shoulder, laughing while still crying a little.

   “What about my friends?  Cory’s friends?  They’ll hate me.”

   “If they’re really your friends, they won’t,” I say, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.  My hand splayed on her cheek and she leaned into it, her tears finally stopping.  “Do you really love me?”  She nodded, eyes locked on mine.  “Then trust me to take care of you.”  She didn’t respond, but she kept her eyes on mine, so I took a chance.  I leaned in, waited for her to tell me no, and when she didn’t, I kissed her.

   It had been almost a week since I’d had my mouth on her, and it was too damn long.  I kissed her softly, trying to soothe her, take some of the worry away.  It was an innocent kiss, even though she was straddling me.  I pulled away just far enough to say, “I’ve missed you.  Please don’t avoid me when you’re upset.”

   She pressed her forehead against mine, her fingers playing with a button on my shirt.  “What are we going to do when you’re done here?  After I graduate?”

   I threaded my fingers through the hair at her nape, silently asking for her eyes, which she gave me.  “What do you mean?”

   “You’re going to be a teacher, and I’m going to go to college.  How will that work?”

   “Are you planning on going to college in the United States?”

   “Yeah,” she said with a laugh, and I could tell she wanted to slap my arm again.

   “Well, that’s fortunate, because my license will transfer to almost any other state.”

   “Hayes.”  She said my name like she was tired of my shit, and I smiled, thinking I could listen to her saying my name that way forever.

   “Wherever you go to college, I’ll apply for jobs there.  That’s my plan.  I don’t expect us to live together.  You still get to be a college student, but I’d like to be close.”

   “I’d like that too,” she whispered and I finally saw the McKenzie smile I loved.  The shy one, where one side of her mouth tipped up just slightly higher than the other.  “But all the colleges I applied to are here, in Florida.”

   “Even more perfect.  Less paperwork.”  I leaned in and kissed her again.  I had just used my teeth to trap her bottom lip, my hands on her hips pulling her into me, when I heard the door handle jiggle.  She must have heard it too because she jumped from my lap, wiping her mouth with her palm, eyes wide, definitely starting to panic.

   I stood up and put my hands on her shoulders.  “Kenz,” I whispered, getting her attention.  “Let me handle this.”

   She nodded, eyes still wide and scared.

   I wiped my own mouth and headed toward the door.

   When I stepped close enough to see through the window, my heart rate sped up.  Mrs. Anderson was waiting on the other side.  I smiled at her, trying to look carefree, then unlocked the door, and opened it wide, hoping she’d think I had nothing to hide.  She stepped inside and I watched as her eyes swept the room, landing on McKenzie.

   “Mr. Wallace, I came to check in with you to make sure Mr. White’s classes were going according to plan.  May I ask why you have a student in your room, alone, with the door locked?”

   “Miss Harris is having a rough day and she stopped by to talk.  She was upset, so I locked the door, hoping to spare her the embarrassment of other students walking in on her.”

   Mrs. Anderson’s eyes were like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between McKenzie and me.  When they finally landed and stayed on Kenz, I held my breath.

   “Is everything all right, Miss Harris?  Did you seek out Mr. Wallace to talk with him?”

   “He’s the only person who understands what I’m going through,” she said on a raspy whisper, and I could tell by the look on her face that using Cory as an excuse, to use his death as a cover story, made her ill.

   Mrs. Anderson considered her words for a moment, and then I watched with relief as her expression softened and I knew she’d bought our story.  “If you need to talk with someone, McKenzie, our counselors are trained to deal with loss and grief.  I am sympathetic to your unique situation,” she said to both McKenzie and me, “but we still need to maintain student and teacher boundaries.”

   “It won’t happen again,” I said immediately.

   “I’m sorry,” McKenzie whispered, and I wanted so badly to reach out to her, because I knew she was beating herself up.  We’d taken two steps forward and then faltered with four steps back.  I watched as McKenzie grabbed her messenger bag off the floor and hurried out of the room.  I ran my hand through my hair again, letting out a sigh, then met Mrs. Anderson’s eyes again.

   “It is your responsibility as the teacher to impose the boundaries, Mr. Wallace.  I know you have a history with Miss Harris, but you can’t let the lines between you blur.”

   “It’s a unique situation and I agree, I didn’t handle it well.  It will not happen again.”  I maintained eye contact, giving her no reason to think I was deceiving her.  After a very long moment, she finally nodded.

   “Are things otherwise going all right?  Mr. White’s classes going as planned?”

   “Everything is under control.”  I gave her a tight smile.

   “Very well.”  She turned on her heel and left the room.  I let out a large sigh, combing both hands through my hair, walked back to my chair, and collapsed.

   It was then I noticed a button on my shirt was undone.

Chapter Nineteen

McKenzie

   I walked into what I thought would be an empty house.  Mom and Dad were usually still at work when I got home from school.  Mom surprised me by standing at the kitchen counter, coffee mug in hand, seemingly waiting for me.

   “What are you doing home?  Is everything all right?” I asked as I dropped my bag on my usual chair at the table.

   She gave a one-shoulder shrug.  “I thought it would be good for us to talk.  Things have been pretty crazy and after what happened at Chelsea’s house last week, I just wanted to check in.”

   “Oh.”  This caught me completely off guard.  “Um, okay.”

   “Sit down, baby,” she said, motioning to the table.  I moved my bag off my seat, hung it on the back of the chair, and sat down.  “I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.  I want to know how you feel about everything.”

   “Everything?  Meaning what?”  I could feel my eyebrows pinching in the middle of my face.

   “Well, about losing Cory, and what that means in regard to your future.”

   “I feel like I miss Cory.”  It was definitely a statement, but it came out more like a question.  “I mean, I miss Cory,” I said with more assertion.  “I miss him and it’s really sad that he’s gone and won’t get to do all the stuff my friends and I will get to.”

   “Like what?”

   “I don’t know, Mom.  College, jobs, marriage,
life
.  Stuff.  He’s gone, ya know?  But he’s still here, kind of?  So, we’re all just sort of leaving him behind, and that’s sad.”

   Her hand reached out for mine, gently stroking the top of it.  “It’s totally normal to be sad for a while when you lose your boyfriend.”  She paused, looking at me with mom eyes, like she knew something and wanted confirmation.  “Or even just a best friend,” she finished, her voice soft and knowing.

   “What do you mean?” I whispered.

   “No matter what Chelsea says about you and Cory, I want you to know that you were the light of that boy’s life.  You made his life beautiful, and you were an angel to him.  And you’ve done your time.  You do not need to mourn him forever, Kenz.  And moving on, getting on with your life and doing all the things Cory will never get to do is your
right
.  You can’t sacrifice parts of your life for someone who’s passed, sweetie.  Do you understand?”

   “I think so.  I just don’t understand why we’re talking about it.  Did I do something wrong?”

   “No, baby.  No.  I just see you going through the motions.  I know you’re still adjusting to life without him, but I don’t want Chelsea’s words to take root.  She’s in a very different space than you. She lost so much more than you did.  It’s not fair for her to want you to suffer like she is.  She’s entitled to mourn in whatever way she chooses, and so are you.”

   “You mean, like, dating other boys, or going to dances, and stuff?”

   “I mean
living
.  You don’t have to run out and date the first boy who asks, but if you feel like you want to, then, yeah.  Go on a date.”

   I looked down at my hands, noticing all my cuticles were practically gone thanks to my nervous habit of picking at them.  “Why did you say Cory was just my best friend?”

   “Listen, ever since Cory died, your father and I have been keeping a watchful eye.”  Her words made my heart speed up and worry crashed through me, panic settling in.  “And it’s okay if I’m totally off base here, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but your dad and I just noticed that you’ve been mourning the Cory you’ve known for the last eighteen years, but not the Cory who you might have spent the rest of your life with.”

   Again, my eyebrows drew together.  “What does that mean?”  My voice was a whisper again.

   “It means that we see you missing the boy you grew up with, the one who teased you, protected you, played with you, but we haven’t seen you mourn the future you lost with him.  The marriage, the children, the life.”  She must have noticed the realization come over my face, the proof that I was taking in her words and putting them together, and that I knew she’d figured out my true feelings for Cory.  “McKenzie,” she said soothingly, “it’s
okay
.  You don’t have to say anything, do anything, or act a certain way.  The truth is, whatever you had with Cory, it doesn’t matter anymore.  But I don’t want you to be trapped in this vision you have of what your grief is supposed to look like.  There’s no timetable for moving forward.  No manual.  No instructions.  As long as you’re still the smart, sweet, bright, and caring girl we raised, your father and I will stand behind you.  We just want to make sure you
live
, mostly because Cory can’t.  And he’d want you to.”