Instead of You (15 page)

   My hands moved up, over his shoulder, and
oh, God,
biceps.  Without warning, he pulled his mouth from mine, just far enough to utter breathy, clipped words.

   “I can’t stand seeing you every day and not being able to touch you.”  The words barely made it from his mouth before it was assaulting mine again.  I understood exactly what he was saying, was feeling exactly the same way he was feeling, but I didn’t want to pull my mouth from his to tell him so.  I just wanted to feel him.  To soak in the connection and chemistry that I shared only with him, to bask in the way my body ignited around him, for him.

   His hands came down from the wall, which pressed his torso and hips even closer to me.  I felt gentle fingertips roam down the side of my body, but then his firm grasp was on my rear, gripping me, pulling my leg up and holding it behind the knee around his hip.

   When his mouth moved from my lips to my neck, I sucked in a dragging breath.

   “Hayes, we can’t do this here,” I whispered, even though I really wanted to do whatever came after that.  His tongue was tracing lazy circles on my collarbone, then gently biting; it was maddening.  “Oh, God, that feels good.”  My fingers went to his nape, but his hair was tied back so I didn’t get the silky strands I was looking for.  He grunted at my touch, moving his lips back to my mouth.  The kiss slowed and he lowered my leg, eventually just wrapping his arms around my waist.

   When he finally pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine as we caught our breath.

   “You’re not going to that party with Nathan Patterson, are you?”

   “What?”  My voice was high-pitched and incredulous.  Suddenly, everything became clear.  “No.  I would never.”  I couldn’t see him very well, but I knew he was looking in my eyes, trying to see something that wasn’t there, perhaps trying to figure out if I was telling the truth or not.  “Is that why you dragged me in here?  You’re trying to mark your territory?”

   “It kills me to watch every guy you pass check you out.  Then that Nathan prick just sat down next to you and invited you to a party, and I just had to stand there and fucking take it.”

   “Take what?  You don’t have to take anything, Hayes.”  I reached my hands up to cup his cheeks and make sure I had his attention.  “Nathan invited me to a party, but I’m not going with him.  He’s not going to be my date.”

   “But you’re going?”  His voice registered somewhere between hurt and angry.

   “I’m going with my
friends
.  To a party.”  I tried to calm him by gently rubbing my thumbs across his cheeks.  “I’m not going with Nathan.  I’m just going to try and do normal stuff, like I used to.”  I could feel him nodding, as if he were attempting to understand my position.

   “I’ve just spent so much time watching you with Cory, or imagining you two together because it was too painful to come home and see it with my own eyes.  But now, we’re still not together, not really.  I can’t stop that asshole from swooping in and trying for his shot with you.  And it kills me.”

   “Hey,” I said more forcefully.  “You’re acting like I’m up for grabs, like being with anyone else is even a consideration for me.  I’ve thought about you just as much as you have me in the last two years.  Imagining you up at college, with older girls, girls who have more experience, who are smarter, who can, I don’t know, drink an alcoholic beverage with you.”  I let out an exasperated sigh.  “What I’m trying to say, unsuccessfully, is that no one is going to swoop in and take me away.  The best parts of me, the parts that matter, are already with you.  Always.  No one is going to change that.”

   “I’m going back to Bellingham tomorrow.”

   His words might as well have been an arrow shot directly into my lungs for all the breath I lost, for all the air I couldn’t take in, and all the burning in my chest.

   “What do you mean?”

   “I have to go back every two weeks for a meeting.  Thursdays.  I was going to tell you, hoping you would come with me.”

   I instantly sagged with relief, my forehead falling against his chest.

   “What’s the matter?” he asked, clueless.

   “I thought you meant you were leaving, like, for good.”

   “No, just for the night.  I’ll be back Friday.”  He paused, his hands running slowly up and down my back.  “Come with me,” he whispered.

   I was tempted. Oh, how I was tempted.  But it didn’t feel right.  Tomorrow I needed to be at a high school party with my two best friends, and I needed Hayes to understand that, to let me have that part of my life back.

   “Becca really needs me to be there for her tomorrow.  And I really need to be there too.  I need to take these seemingly insignificant steps back toward normalcy.”

   There was silence between us, hanging from us, dripping like fat raindrops from green leaves.

   “I’m not going to lie to you, Kenz.  I’m afraid that every step you take back toward normalcy will only take you in the opposite direction of me.”

   I didn’t know how to respond to that, couldn’t really argue with him because I could understand how he felt that way.  I could see his point of view and see how doing normal high school senior things could make me think I no longer wanted what he and I shared, would only highlight the gap between us.  I wanted to ask him to have faith in me, to trust that I only wanted him, only us.

   But I didn’t have words powerful enough.  So I kissed him instead.

   When he pulled away minutes later, nothing felt resolved.  In fact, for the first time since he kissed me in the rain, everything felt fragile.  Like watching a plate fall to the floor, knowing it would crack into a million pieces when it finally hit.  We were in slow motion, hurtling toward our epic fracture.

   I just prayed something would break our fall.

Chapter Fourteen

McKenzie

   School on Thursday sucked.  I didn’t have any better words to describe it.  People were buzzing about the party, making plans, and for some reason, the fact that I was even going was big news.

   Big. 

   Stupid. 

   News.

   At least five different guys asked me if I had a date to the party and all seemed very disappointed when I told them I wasn’t taking a date, that I was going with my friends.  Halfway through the day I’d almost told Holly and Becca I wasn’t going to go.  Thoughts of sneaking away with Hayes ran through my mind, and I second-guessed myself to the point of madness. 

   But then Becca looked at me with big blue eyes and asked me to help her choose an outfit, and I knew I had to go.  I had to be her crutch for the evening.  Besides, if things went south with Jacob, I couldn’t just leave her there with Holly and Todd, then she’d be the third wheel
and
depressed.  No, I needed to go to be her backup.  So, I’d be the fifth wheel.  And I was mostly okay with that.

   Until I got to History and spent the entire period trying to reassure Hayes with my eyes that everything between us was fine.

   I did, however, fail to hold in a snicker when at the beginning of the period he announced a new seating chart.  I was completely surrounded by girls.

   Hayes wouldn’t be home before I left with Holly, and the idea that I wouldn’t get to tell him good-bye before he left for Bellingham bothered me.  I pictured him sitting at a fancy coffee shop, full of overeducated people, a particularly smart blonde across from him, gazing into his green eyes.  I didn’t want to think about what could happen.  And I knew I was driving myself crazy with the same insecurities that were making him crazy as well.  I would just have to trust him, and trust myself to believe enough in what I felt for him, to believe in
us
enough to know everything would turn out all right. 

   But for some reason, Hayes and I spending this one night in different cities felt more important than it should have.  It was foreboding.  It was a bigger divide than even I was comfortable with, but I thought it was important, for so many reasons.

   When Holly came to pick me up, I’d replaced all my homework in my bag with an extra change of clothes, and I’d managed to find our two-person tent in the garage, along with a sleeping bag.  I didn’t know if Becca would be sharing my tent or not, so I brought an extra bag just in case.  We loaded Holly’s car—lucky for us her parents had gotten her a small SUV when she turned seventeen—and we headed to Becca’s, where we spent more time than we should have getting her ready for her party date.

   “You look great,” I said for the millionth time, with forced enthusiasm.  The truth was, she looked amazing, but she always did.  The last ten outfits she’d put on had looked awesome, but she and Holly hadn’t been satisfied.  She was wearing black leggings with a short denim skirt, and a loose purple sweater that hung off one of her shoulders.  They’d originally tried the outfit without the leggings, but then I reminded them that we were, indeed, going to be outside all night, sitting on low logs, climbing in and out of tents.  So, they’d added the leggings even though it covered up what Becca thought was her best asset.

   Holly and I were in traditional campout wardrobe: Jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies.  I had no one to impress and Todd would take Holly in a paper sack, so she wasn’t worried about her outfit either.

   “Are you sure?” Becca asked, her voice nervous.

   “Becca, he’s going to think you look awesome.  And you don’t want to look out of place, you know, like you’re trying too hard.  You can’t exactly wear a clubbing dress to a campout,” I offered, trying to make her see reason.

   “She’s right,” Holly agreed.  “Plus, if you take too long getting ready, we’ll be more than fashionably late.”

   “Okay, okay,” Becca said, convincing herself she looked all right.  She was crazy.  Jacob would lose his mind when he saw her hair and the way the loose sweater draped over her frame, hinting at what lay beneath without being revealing or scandalous.  I thought her outfit was perfect.

   “Time to go,” I shouted.

   We grabbed all our belongings and headed downstairs and out the door.

   I sat on a log taking a wide sweep of my surroundings.  The Holstater compound was enormous, and essentially out in the middle of nowhere.  There was no cell service, no electricity, and no bathrooms.  If you were looking for a four-star resort, the Holstater compound was not your place.  But, for a bunch of teenagers, it was perfect.  Ryan had met us at his house, where there were no less than thirty cars parked in the field right next door, and pointed us toward the path leading down to the campsite.

   It was about a half-mile hike, all downhill, only accessible by the quads Ryan and his friend were operating, hauling down everyone’s belongings.  At the bottom of the trail was a large open area, almost like a sandy meadow, surrounded by trees on three sides, the fourth side being a river.  Swimming wasn’t really a thing, because, well, gators, but it was always nice to listen to the rushing of the water when you were trying to fall asleep in your tent.

   The warmth of the fire kept me content on the log, watching as my friends enjoyed themselves.  Becca and Jacob were on the other side of the fire, sitting close on a log, knees touching, their faces smiling and animated as they laughed with Holly and Todd.  Holly was sitting on Todd’s lap, and he was in heaven.  Holly carried Todd’s world in the palm of her hand, and he didn’t want it any other way.  I watched as he would absentmindedly run his hand down her back, wrap a hand around her waist, touching her without thinking about it.  It was sweet and I smiled knowing Holly had a true kind of love, something tangible, something fulfilling.

   I felt the log shake and dip, then heard the grunt of someone landing next to me.

   “Hey, McKenzie, glad you could make it.”

   Nathan’s words were delivered with a slimy tone, as if I were there for some reason besides to hang out with my friends.  I chose not to respond and instead, brought the red plastic cup in my hand to my mouth, taking a long, slow, drink.

   “Whatcha drinking?”  His words were slurred slightly, which made me want to roll my eyes.

   “The same thing everyone else with a red cup is drinking.”

   “You mean that jungle juice shit?”  He scoffed.  “I’ve got some good stuff in my tent if you’d rather drink something that doesn’t taste like lighter fluid.”

   “I’m fine.” 

   “Why the hell did you even come if you’re just going to sit around by yourself and be a bitch?”

   I finally turned my head and looked at him, noticing the bottle in his hand covered with a brown paper bag.  “I’m not sitting here by myself,” I said, motioning to the fifteen people sitting around the big bonfire.  “But I definitely didn’t come to the party to be hauled off to your date rape tent.”

   “You’ve always been a stuck-up bitch.  I thought, maybe, since your boyfriend got shot, you’d be looking to relax a little.”

   His words caught me completely off guard, shocked me like a bomb had gone off right in my face, I nearly fell backward from the force of his words.  Before I could recover, I heard Todd’s angry voice from right beside me.

   “Leave her alone, Nathan.”

   I was being pulled to my feet by Holly and Becca, while Jacob went to stand beside Todd.

   “Oh, you guys are going to come to her rescue?  Good luck, she’s a frigid tease.  Everyone knows Cory never got anything from you.  He was probably glad to be killed to get out of having to put up with your shit.”

   “What’s your problem, man?  You got nothing better to do than harass girls at a party?  Go back to your booze tent and get bent.”  Jacob’s voice was just as angry as Todd’s.  I was on the other side of the bonfire, watching as the orange flames licked the images of all three boys.  Then Ryan walked into the scene, taking sides with Todd and Jacob.

   “Man, I let you come because I didn’t want to deal with keeping you away, but you can’t be a dick.  Either shut up, or we’ll drive your ass back up the hill.”

   I watched as Nathan stared down the trio of guys.  Then, in a literal flash, he threw his bottle of liquor into the fire.  The loud explosion and burst of flames made Holly, Becca, and I scream, clinging to each other, and everyone else around the fire scattered.  Without even a moment’s hesitation, Ryan and the other two guys grabbed Nathan and dragged him back to where the quads were waiting.  We could hear Nathan yelling and swearing all the way up the hill.